Y’all have been posting away on Slezak’s Bachelor finale recap overnight, so I’ll try to keep this "After the Rose" post-mortem short and sweet. Like Jenni and DeAnna. (Ah.) Here are some talking points:
• Trista and Ryan’s baby, Max, should not have been wearing a T-shirt that had his name on it. It should have read, "My parents met on The Bachelor, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." At least then we would have had something to focus on other than the fact that Ryan still looks uncomfortable on camera. Good thing Trista does all the talking for him, eh?
• In an evening of confusion, the only thing I truly understood was Jenni sobbing at the video tribute to her late, ornery grandmother, who’d passed away since her hometown visit. That lifetime relationship is something worth mourning (maybe not on a tacky, televised tell-all, but still); not the six-week courtship you had with a man who was dating 24 other women. I felt like Jenni had perspective.
• Brad kept saying he shouldn’t have to apologize for not falling in love. And I agree with him. Why would we believe that his wife would be present in a group of 25 randomly selected women? What are the odds? Just because he didn’t find someone he liked enough to want to date when she wasn’t escorted to him in a limo doesn’t mean he just went on the show to promote his bars. That may be naive of me to believe, but I buy it. Even after reading our Q&A with Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss who said, "The original ending [of the finale], before the network made me change it, was after the girls were crying we fade down and come back up to a shot of Brad sitting on the couch, remote control in hand, clicking on the game, munching on a submarine sandwich. That’s what I wanted at the end. But the network said no."
• Should Brad apologize for leading these two women on—on a dating show? That’s the question. I think it all comes down to intent: Was he maliciously reckless with their hearts, or did he get caught up in a situation that just supersucked for these two women? (Okay, either way he NEEDS to apologize, but I’m going with the latter theory, which doesn’t make Brad evil.) I wish host Chris Harrison would have asked Brad to elaborate on why he desperately tried to make one of these relationships fit, to the point of having DeAnna’s father flown into town before the final rose ceremony, in case he wanted to ask for her hand. I don’t think he told DeAnna that the final rose ceremony would be a "good day" for her to set her up to be crushed. I think he was still trying to make it work in his mind, and wasn’t smart enough to know that you hold your cards until the end if you’re The Bachelor. I’m guessing he felt pressure from the show’s producers—intentional or not—to keep pursuing these ladies. I mean, he’s on a dating show that films for six weeks, why’s he gonna close himself off prematurely? Why wouldn’t he take a woman on as many dates as possible, hoping something clicks into true passion? What would’ve happened if he’d gone to producers and said, "I’m sorry, I already know that I’m just not into any of these women enough" two weeks into taping? (By the way, I’d love to see that happen, just once.) I think Brad’s problem is that he was trying to play The Nice Guy and had no clue that you can’t compliment a woman on a dating show and not have it mean something. Let me break it down for you. This will be good for all men to hear:
If you’re dating someone and you say, "Wow, you have everything I could ever want in a woman." Maybe you mean it as a general compliment, "You have beauty and brains, and that’s something I like," but she hears, "I want you. You’ve got it all."
Post-rejection, you say, "Any man would be lucky to have you in his life." Maybe you mean, "You’re a great catch, you’ll find someone." She hears a lie, because clearly any man would include you, a——.
You say, "I didn’t think it was fair to commit to one of you when I had strong feelings for both of you." Maybe you mean, "You’re obviously both attractive, pleasant women, but neither of you is special enough to hold my attention, and you really should if we’re going to be committed to each other. This is my nice way of saying that I’m not into you enough." She hears, "You’re torn because you have strong feelings for both of us, so if you’d just man up and choose one, I can make you happy."
You say, "I think about you everyday." Maybe you mean, "I think about how much I hurt you, and how much easier it would have been for everyone if I had just been into you." She hears, "You can’t get me off your mind. You wish you’d chosen me. There’s still a chance."
You say, "My heart was broken, too. I miss you more than you know." Maybe you mean, "I thought I was going to find a wife and I didn’t. And I know how this will make me look. I want you to know that I did like you as a person." She hears, "I really did care about you. Again, there’s still a chance."
Bottom line, Brad wasn’t into either Jenni or DeAnna enough to work them into his life, and he didn’t realize it until he was ring shopping. Should Brad have been honest with himself and the ladies sooner? Absolutely. But I think he was struggling with what he thought the experience would be, and what it actually was. DeAnna will never get the answers to her questions because she can’t understand that that’s what Brad is saying. That’s what changed.
Enough of my half-baked analysis of male-female communication. Post your own theories below.
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I did watch last night, couldn’t help myself, and didn’t feel it was fair to Brad at all. If you not in love with someone, you’re not in love with someone. Period. All I could feel coming out of the TV was the intense pressure he must have felt. If you’re on a TV show and you’re supposed to deliver a proposal, certainly you must at least slightly obligated to see it through. I’m glad he was brave enough to state how he felt and I thought he was being refreshingly honest. In the long run he did what was best for both those women and unfortunately he was crucified for it. That’s right. I’m talking to you Chris Harrison. Shut it.
I think your “half baked analysis” was spot on! I respect that he tried his hardest to say such nice things, but his avoidance of real conflict was apparent. Imagine if he continued to date one of them and they had a disagreement on anything — his communication skills are severely lacking. My only real beef was that he told Deanna that he let Jenni go. Deanna was unable to gain any sort of closure, whereas Jenni just assumed he picked someone else and got on with her life. He never had to share that info with Deanna and if he were truly a gentleman, he wouldn’t have.
I agree with what this article is saying…hopefully Deanna will read it! I just thought it was a bit cruel to put Deanna thru the rejection again…and that seemed to due to Chris Harrison (the producers) asking alot of questions that had already been answered. This is an example of a reality show humiliating a contestant in a way…
I was fed up enough with the schmaltzy shots of the tv audience. I was also obsessively wondering if, before every show, Chris Harrison stands before a mirror, decked out in a shiny suit and appropriately muted flowered tie, muttering to himself, “Yes, I AM a man. Look at my biceps. Just because I am hosting a show called The Bachelor and handing out roses does not make me less of a hard-hitting, testosterone-laden journalist. Brian Williams, watch out. I’m the next Nightly News shoo-in. Take That, Walter Kronkite”? Because that’s the only reason I have for why he’s such a smug, arrogant bastard.
Did anyone else find it especially cruel the way Chris Harrison set Deanna up for a second heartbreak by pointedly asking her, “If he were to ask you tonight to continue seeing him, what would you say.” He was definitely insinuating that that’s what would happen, knowing full well that it wouldn’t. Total mindf***.
I’m so happy that this bachelor was honest with himself and refused to be bullied by the smarmy Chris Harrison or the manipulative producers into “proposing” to a girl that he didn’t have true feelings for. I would have loved for him to point out that The Bachelor doesn’t have the best track record for building a solid base for long-term relationships. Cheers to Brad for not getting sucked into the relationship fakery of The Bachelor.
I was fed up enough with the schmaltzy shots of the tv audience. I was also obsessively wondering if, before every show, Chris Harrison stands before a mirror, decked out in a shiny suit and appropriately muted flowered tie, muttering to himself, “Yes, I AM a man. Look at my biceps. Just because I am hosting a show called The Bachelor and handing out roses does not make me less of a hard-hitting, testosterone-laden journalist. Brian Williams, watch out. I’m the next Nightly News shoo-in. Take That, Walter Kronkite”? Because that’s the only reason I have for why he’s such a smug, arrogant bastard.
At first when I watched the finale of the Bachelor and he didn’t pick either woman (not proposing but at least try dating) I was shocked because Brad seemed so into Deanna. I found it pretty commendable that he had the decency to tell both woman he just wasn’t that into them. Although it did look like it; I agree that Brad was probably getting pressured from the producers and that he was genuinely trying to be a nice guy about the whole ‘rejection’ thing. I felt sorry for Deanna because she took it hard but to fall in love with someone in a locked time frame doesn’t work for everybody. I just wish Brad had been COMPLETELY honest last night so that Deanna would have ‘gotten’ it. It’s refreshing for someone to not fall in love on a reality show and say that out of these 25 women I didn’t find the one for me. Brad is by far the best Bachelor ever because he’s genuine. I vote Deanna as the next Bachelorette.
Good analysis. At least Trista’s baby talk was not as annoying when she was talking to an actual baby last night.
I liked what I saw of Deanna. She can do better than this stupid reality show. She seems like a beautiful and strong woman and she will find the right guy at the right time. My humble opinion is that she should stay away from being the next bachelorette.
The bachelor doesn’t HAVE to propose to the woman at the end of the show and not all of them do. I just can’t get over how these women think they’re in love with someone after only six weeks and he’s dating 25 other women.
All relationships have their own timetable, and six weeks isn’t necessarily long enough to know if you’re in love with someone — esp when you’re in a wierd, dating 25 other people situation. I feel bad for the girls, but give Brad props for being true to himself if that’s how he felt. However when his response to both that they deserved better should’ve been: “As much I as I liked/cared for you, I couldn’t and can’t see a future for this relationship; my instincts tell me there’s something that I want that’s off or missing for me, and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to continue. I’m so sorry.”
I was going to say something snotty about The Bachelor, but then I realized I’m completely obsessed with “A Shot at Love” on MTV and have no right to be indignant.
Oh, I wouldn’t put Deanna through it again. Bring on Hillary as the next Bachelorette — she would be a riot.
I do feel bad for both of these women because of what Brad was saying to them during the dating process. When someone is constantly touching you and telling you that you have everything he wants, you don’t expect to be dumped the next day. That was what surprised me — not that he didn’t propose but that he actually broke off both relationships given how he had been acting. (I’ve had one other thought — does anyone else remember when Jen was the Bachelorette and didn’t choose either guy and the studio audience boo’ed her?)
I stopped watching the Bachelor/Bachelorette after Jen blew off both guys after leading one of them on at the rose ceremony. It amazes me that Trista of all people turns out to have been the one person who actually made this premise work. (I’ll believe in Bryan and Mary when I see the marriage license.)
Couldn’t Brad have just done an “eeny meeny miney ho” to pick one of them?
I think by not picking one, he actually made this a “reality” show: so he picks Jenni or DeAnna and then during the reunion show (or 3 days later) they break up? Good for him, and I think the girls will be thankful, eventually.
I think Bonnie Raitt says it best “I can’t make you love me if you don’t. I can’t make your heart feel something it it won’t. Here in the dark, on national television, I will cry about your ear hair, and and write bad poetry. But you won’t.”
Mandi hit the nail on the head; it really perturbed me how last night’s special painted Brad to be the villian. Yea, maybe he should’ve said something, but no one really knows what that whole television experience is like except the people who lived through it. I respect Brad for having the galls to say “You know what, this is not TV. It’s my life. I’m not going to make a fairytale ending just for TV sake.” Or something like that. lol. It sucks for Jenni and DeAnna, but then, if dating was easy there would be no single people. Good job Brad. Thanks for not becoming another Bachelor-breakup statistic.
That was fabulous! BTW, I think Mandi nailed it with her analysis.
I think Deanna totally blew her second chance by giving Brad an ultimatum on national tv. If the guy didn’t feel pressure to propose to you he’s certainly not going to be pressured into dating you. She had every reason to be confused. You could see her getting more and more frustrated with his answers and the dude never offered up anything personal and never went outside of what he most likely rehearsed.
Bravo, Mandi! You said everything I was thinking, except far more articulately. The montage for Jenni’s grandmother was extremely touching — I would be lying if I said I didn’t tear up. And, I applaud Brad for following his heart, despite the pressure from producers. Chris Harrison was completely unfair to Brad, as was the studio audience.
I had quit watching the show this season because I thought that Brad was a bit of a lunkhead. But after reading this, I think I was wrong. He had the smarts to not fall into some reality show trap. Wouldn’t it have been worse for the girls if he had been pressured to pick one, even if it was just to try dating only to be dropped as soon as the show was over. Why don’t we ask the other supposed “winners” because isn’t that what happens to most of them? Didn’t he do them a favor? Go Brad- while it not have been the ending people would hope for- wasn’t it based a little more in “reality”?
Whenever I watch The Bachelor series, I always think, “wouldn’t it be nice if there were more women of substance on this show?” Perhaps more relationships would work if the people they picked to go on the show weren’t flaky. There’s a reason a lot of them are single. Either they have some hang-ups (which I think Brad and Bettina did) or they’re kids (20 or 21 years old!).
I think one thing people are having trouble with is that Brad appears to be a very old style “Man”. He’s not “in-touch” with his feelings – he does feel deeply, but he’s not good at expressing his emotions and he’s not going to show them to you. When he states how much he hurts, we expect tears. When the girls cry, we expect him to beg for forgiveness. Instead, we get stoicism, which in this day and age looks cold and callous. This not something we see everyday in this country from today’s feminized man.
Al, et al.
I agree that if he didn’t have strong feelings for either of them, he did the right thing in breaking it off. What I question is how he behaved on the dates leading up to the ring ceremony. He acted very into both of them — if he was questioning his feelings, he should have been a little more careful about his words and actions.
I got the feeling Brad has commitment phobia and thought the show would cure him. He was having panic attacks during the final rose. I don’t get why he wouldn’t date someone beyond the show to see if something comes of it but his mother said he was black and white about life. So I guess when there were no “butterflies” he cut and run.
I applaud Brad for being honest about not being in love with either girl. I suspect he realized that these girls are no different than the women he meets in his day to day life anyway so why bother.
I never watch the show, but had to see last night. I felt for Brad, because I don’t think they put any men in that audience! Every shot they had of the audience, it was an angry woman with that “oh no he didn’t!” look on her face. Of course, I lapped it up. I love me some reality tv drama.
Gag. When will the strike be over?