Just because I don’t give a flying fig about who wins this year’s VMAs doesn’t mean I can’t get excited about the pretty posters David LaChapelle shot to promote the event, right? Take this image of Rihanna. It’s like something straight out of America’s Next Top Model, except the "Umbrella" singer isn’t surrounded by krumpers or being forced to hold ice cream in her bare hands. Hmmm, I wonder how the show’s judging panel might react. [Cue dream-sequence music!]
Tyra: Rihanna, here’s your best shot.
Twiggy: Llllove this!
Nigel: Very sexy girl. Very sexy.
Tyra: Fierce! And what’s great is, your expression is so intense, that’s all I’m able to focus on. It’s like the naked chorus girls with pink bars across their breasts don’t even exist.
Rihanna: Thank you.
Tyra: Although those cakes look good. You know Tyra isn’t trying to deny herself desserts in some ill-advised attempt to be a size 2, okay?
Guest judge/Friend of Tyra: You do remarkable things for women’s body image with this show.
Tyra: I know.
[Awkward silence from the panel.]
Tyra: Miss Jay, what do you think of Rihanna’s shot?
Miss Jay: As I like to say when I’m baking at home, "batter up!"
Twiggy: [Confused.] What does that mean?
Nigel: [Staring directly at Rihanna.] Unbelievably sexy.
Tyra: Congratulations, Rihanna, you’re still in the running. Towards becoming. America’s. Next. Top Model.
Rihanna: Thank you!
Tyra: Although it would help if next week you could work a little harder on your "journey." After all, a Top Model needs to work the runway inside and out.
The End.
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I think Tyra would throw something in there about covering her neck or smiling with her eyes better or getting rid of that Caribbean accent. I mean, how is she supposed to be a Cover Girl with an accent?
Awesome faux-ANTM dialogue, Slezak. I especially like Tyra’s self-congratulatory body image twaddle. However, and not to pick bones here, but how the heck is MTV even qualified to hand out VMAs when they don’t even play videos anymore??? When I want to watch Rihanna’s videos, I have to go to OnDemand…or YouTube.
Gretchen – absolutely! There has to be some “Girl, you gotta work on that accent, because while I love that you represent your culture, that’s not what Cover Girl is about.” Or some such drivel that usually means their accent doesn’t change and is either never mentioned again or somehow becomes THE deciding factor in the last panel.
Umm isnt that naked girl in the front, Johanna from ANTM?? I think she won cicle 3 or 24, something like that…
Slezak , I love you. And I can’t wait for the return of Jesus herself to ANTM!!
And we care about this topic, because…..?
I laughed out loud with the On the Running. Towards Becomming. America’s….
I love it when she says that, Tyra’s so stupid when she talks…And her tone goes up and down until she’s not even speaking just moving her lips…by the time she gets to “Model” you don’t ever hear anyting…
And yes…every single time is FIERCE!
I loved that post so much, especially the faux convo, I wanna ask, can I be your friend Slezak??
Barbie censored!
The model is too airbrushed and she looks like a dancing chicken!
Exactly Slezak. Still this looks like America’s Top Model goes Cheap ol’ Lady Marmelcheese.
Slezak, You have made my day once again. I would actually like to see that in a live skit. One can only hope.
David LaChapelle is a hack, Horst
Man Ray, Irving Penn are all rolling in their graves looking at this.
Thanks Andy !!
This picture would be a lot more believeable if the naked models ate the cakes. But then who am I kidding, they’d be throwing them up later.
ha ha All right! look up the refernce people am not giving it to you
To that’s a shame! I belive it’s who else but Quagmire he’s Quagmire, Quagmire you never know what he’s gonna do next he’s Quagmire, Quagmire Giggy giggy Giggy goo! Family Guy Refence nice picture I’ll tune in
I wanna know when this was shot, because then conspicuously, Rihanna’s wearing that flowing pink gown to cover up the cast on her foot, from and I quote “running into a chair the first day of her vacation!!” HAHAHAHA
okay…..is she the madame of a New Orleans or Las Vegas brothel?
Slezak, you are crazy! Gosh. Too funny. Esp. the dead on Nigel looking directly at the model (horny, isn’t he?) and Trya’s over use of, “…and what’s great is…”.
But that is a pretty poster. And I’m not even a fan of pink. Or Rihanna.
rihanna i do not like you find a next man
rihanna i love u u r amazing and u r soo pritty xx
tyra u cool im always wachin ya show Americas Next Top model i wanna go on there one day lol (im embaressed lol im only 12)
awww my lil neice deena lvs ya!!!! ya kinda gud still. giv up chris brown though lol i will take him 4 ya lol jxxx