Who says the network comedy is dead? As last night’s season premiere of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman proved, it’s alive and well and disguised as a reality dating show. And my top five wacky characters include:
5) The One Everyone Is Going to Hate: Stephanie, the "organ donor coordinator" from South Carolina, has already been dubbed as "heinous" by a fellow bachelorette, and I kind of agree. What kind of woman would allow herself to say, "I plan on getting rose after rose after rose until I get a ring on the finger," after no more than a two-minute introductory conversation? A woman who’s never stopped and thought, "What if I get to know the guy and I’m not that into him?," that’s who.
4) The Insane One With the Excited Eyes: Oh Linda, it’s a shame you won’t be back next week to challenge Andy to push-up competitions, discuss your "OCD" commitment to working out, and confess to the camera that "Andy is my mirror image in a male form." I hope your coworkers at the law firm back in Ohio are an understanding bunch.
3) The One Who Sang the National Anthem: Look, I love my country, and I have no problem with "The Star Spangled Banner." But seriously? Would you stand up in a crowded room and serenade a dude with this particular number on your very first date? I had to rewind Tina’s performance twice; the first time through, I just couldn’t look at the screen, and the second time, I was howling too hard. TINA WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? Then again, what do I know? The chick got a rose.
2) The Britney Spears Look-alike Who Had a Hiccup Fit and Fell Off a Barstool: To reach Blakeney, dial 1-800-HOT-MESS.
1) The Insane One With Multiple-Meltdown Disorder: Don’t makeLindsay angry… you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry. Oh, wait! Youactually would, because she’s hilarious when she’s angry. Choicestquote: "I have ears like a f***in’ hawk! Don’t lie to me!" And also:"I’ll look like a jackass all day and all night!" Plus, the scowlingwhen it became clear Andy had no intention of giving her a rose. Andthe storming out when, in fact, he did not. And let’s not forget,insulting the Bachelor’s personality, head, and teeth to the camera.Class act! Although if I had to hang out with one of these hags, it’dtotally be her.
I’d also like to give honorable mentions to The One Who Performeda Back Handspring in a Ballgown (Stephanie W.) — and will leap througha hoop of flames next week! — as well as the editors, for brilliantlyfollowing up Chris Harrison’s voiceover of "There’s much more to Andythan his work…" by cutting to a shot of the Bachelor removing hisshirt, and baring a torso containing 1% body fat (and an even lowerpercentage of body hair). Throw in random bachelorette quotes like"You’re gonna like me ’cause I like to get beat up" and "Want to usetequila instead of eggs?" (they were making a cake, they did use thetequila, and it ended up looking like a pile of dung), and this isdefinitely going to be a season to remember.
Did you watch The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman last night? And if so, how are you feeling about it (and yourself) right now?
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This show’s still on TV? Wait, is it still 2002?
I can’t believe that people are still watching this. The show lost me a long time ago, after Bachelorette 2.
Yeah, it must still be 2002.
Because we all still must endure reality television, we still haven’t caught Osama, Linkin Park is still around, and it feels like we still have another six years of W.
God, help us…
Don’t forget about the bachelorette who told her sob story about her boyfriend that DIED in her first conversation with Andy! Danielle, I think? To me, that was worse than the star-spangled banner moment.
I didn’t want to watch it, but I catch the last half an hour… and sadly oh sadly I must admit that it was sooooo bad it made it awesome! Why is trashy TV this addictive?
First off, OCD Work-Out Girl looked like Dr. Spock’s love child; if anybody had ears like a “hawk”, it was her. Also, Lindsey had lisp that would have rivaled Cindy Brady’s. I would have paid her money to say “she sells sea shells by the sea shore”
Ok Slezak,
So you have time to write about this show that should’ve been canceled five years ago, but you don’t have time to do your Ugly Betty TV Watch (though Tanner does a nice job) Boo!
Okay, I’ll admit it, I love this show!I didn’t watch last season, but after watching last night, I’m hooked again. How hilarious was the patriotic theme music in the background of the host talking with Andy? And how he kept saying, “Oh my gosh!” when the ladies walked up? So creepy. And so entertaining!
I loved how when he first met these women all he could do was openly judge them on their levels of hotness.
A reality show is not network comedy! Please pass this around the office. Please, please, please cover more SCRIPTED shows and less reality crap. Please.
Sleazak, please keep doing Bachelor recaps! This show is so awful and I absolutely LOVE it. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to tolerate Andy’s Mr. Howell slack jaw impersonation but Chris saying “Ladies, the final rose” makes it all worthwhile.
Just when you think the “ladies” can’t get any worse than the previous season, there seems to be a fresh new crop of train wrecks out there to entertain us… Please keep writing a TV Watch for this show. It really IS a comedy. I doubt anyone watching takes it seriously…
So I have never watched this show before, but I let it stay on after the credits for dancing with the stars came to an end, and all I can say is this: Look, yes the guy is attractive, and smart, and down for his country and all that jazz, but I totally understand why he’s single and had to resort to this show to find himself “the woman of his dreams.” He has no personality. He’s wooden and just plain boring and/or awkward at times. Once the women all gathered together in the house I couldn’t take it anymore and walked away. Sorry ABC.
Love the write-up. This show was hilarious!!!
This franchise is just missing that certain something that would take it from being occasionally watchable to being one of the most entertaining shows on TV, and just perhaps the Best. “Reality.” Show. Ever. If I think for a moment I’m sure I can figure it out. Wait…I’ve got it! FLAVOR FLAV!!!!
Ashamed that Lindsey goes to KU and shares my name. All Lindseys from Kansas are not crazy!
I haven’t watched the Bachelor in years, but had to watch last night as this season has so much promise…for hilarity. I haven’t laughed at any “scripted” comedy this much in a long while. The write-up was equally delicious (1800hotmess–too funny). I hope Slezak continues to do the write up all season.
This guy is so hot. (Sigh). I think he is going to fall in love! Oh and Lindsey (or however perhaps you spell her name, as there are different ways to spell Lindsey) she was so stupid and looked like a silly moron on t.v. I had a good laugh there. Ha ha. See I’m still laughing.
Okay, I have a group of friends and we always get together to watch the Bachelor. There are snacks, there’s booze, and there is so much laughter. Last night was like rediscovering the joy in a stale relationship. We had so much fun. If every episode is this funny, I might actually be happy enough to go out and find a real man of my own.
As a native of Birmingham Al, I would like to apologize for Blakeney’s drunken behavior on the show last night. We try to raise nice, classy young ladies down here, but sometimes we just let one slip through the cracks.
So nice to see the “Runaway Bride” chick became a lawyer and is now trying to find her true love. You go, girl!
It’s kind of late, but it would have been hilarious to read recaps of I Love New York. That show puts The Bachelor to shame in comedy and entertainment.
PLEASE PLEASE add this show back to the TV Watch columns. This season looks like comedy gold.
I’ve never watched this show, but thought the recap looked pretty entertaining…….all I can say is, judging the girls strictly on their hotness level? Well DUH!! Of course you would, it’s a reality show!! What, like they are any Mensa members in that crew of freaks? The one season I found entertaining, where I actually DID watcha few episodes, was with Jerry O’Connell’s brother, now THAT was gold!! Instead of pretending to want some soul mate (which no guy on this show actually wants) he was just honest and came right out with it: “I want the hottest, most fun chick who can party the hardest. Period”. Now THAT’S an honest man!
Painfully accurate, Hutchy. Just painfully accurate. I’m not thinking we are getting best minds (or souls, for that matter) on these shows.
The ones that aren’t insane go on there trying to get noticed for future work. The ones that are insane really, truly wish to find their soulmate…but they are insane, so that’s not a recipe for happiness either.
I haven’t watched even one episode of any season, but I did read about the premise of the O’Connell season. He might be the only rational person to ever appear on “The Bachelor”. And, as Hutchy said, probably the most honest.
drink everytime the say “and officer and a gentleman” or the girls make a cheesy reference to needing a doctor…guranteed to get you wasted!!! Also, Linda looks EXACTLY like Zazu the dodo bird from the Lion King.
I can’t believe people still watch this show! It’s garbage!!!!!
This show is one of my guilty pleasures (besides What About Brian). Please keep doing the recaps – they’re hilarious!
I with the others who said they haven’t watched in a while, but totally cracked up at this new season. It is definitely a guilty pleasure!
I’m signing the petition to get it on TV Watch permanently! What a bunch of looneybirds- makes you feel that your life is pretty normal and okay when you can watch a bunch of overserved women fight for a guy on national television… He is pretty hot, though…can’t deny that! Keep the shenanigans coming! Can’t wait for next week-
I didn’t watch until last night and almost didn’t watch and boy am I glad I did! All I could think is that they must have fired their previous casting directors and hired the Flavor of Love/I Love New York directors, pure hilarity! I love that they girls are more ridiculous, the relationships never last anyway but at least we have something to laugh at for an hour a week
Hilarious write up Slezak btw, and Keri, AliG, and Slezak’s Stalker – I almost spit coffee on my computer laughing… good times…