Make a New Year's Resolution…for a sad celeb!

Brit_lLet’s face it: If you’re reading this blog, you are already perfect. (Yes, I’m buttering you up, but you love butter, right?) Come Jan. 1, you will not subscribe to the late Aaliyah’s hypnotic hit, “We Need a Resolution.” In the spirit of the season, however, I’d like you to spread some of that perfection around. So here’s what I’m suggesting: Reach into the giant PopWatch beret, pull out the name of a poor, misguided star, and offer some advice for salvaging his or her sagging career/life. I’ll get the party started with the easiest of targets — Britney Spears. Sure, I could have her resolve to visit Victoria’s Secret and invest in 366 pairs of panties (my mom always taught me to have an extra one in your luggage — just in case), but I’m gonna do something crazy and try to focus on Brit’s music career. (Remember that?) Here goes…“For 2007, I, Britney Spears, resolve to do something musically unexpected and interesting. When I record my inevitable comeback disc, I’m going to pass on working with Timbaland, Scott Storch, the Neptunes, and Kara DioGuardi — or anybody else that everybody else works with. Instead, I’m going to pair up with an overlooked but talented singer-songwriter — like Pink did when she tracked down Linda Perry to produce Missundaztood — and cook up something fierce and unforgettable. In fact, right now I’m going to get my manager to track down Imani Coppola, Edie Brickell, and Jody Watley (I wonder if she’d let me cover that “Makeover” song on her MySpace page) to set up meetings — during normal business hours, of course. I’ve got two kids now, so I really need to be home most nights to spend a little time with them.”Whew! That was easy — and kinda fun! Try it for yourself, PopWatchers…there are singers, writers, actors, and directors just begging for your help — whether they know it or not.addCredit(“Britney Spears: John Sciulli/”)

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  • Joe

    I think Britney could do something cool if she puts her mind to it. I think she’d be really big in the dance circut cause as club hopper (gay clubs anyways) I can remember how it used to be when on of her songs would be blaring out of the speakers and how crazy people would get on the dance floor. I think a producer who would be good for her even though he’s already worked with some people is Stuart Price the guy behind Madonna’s Confessions on a Dance Floor Album. I think he and her could really do a awesome Disco/dance album and I think it would be if not a Commercial hit at least a club/play it just to get her Career back on track. As far as unknown song writers or underrated songwriter producers I would go with maybe some up and coming Dj I hope she don’t do the whole hip hop/rthymic pop thing its so over done and back fires a lot of times. (LOOK AT HER PARTY BUDDY PARIS HILTON) I’ll probably buy her new cd just cause i’ve been a fan since I seen her on TRL in January of 1999. I hope she comes back cause as we gay boys all know we love our pop divas and I’m feeling a Mariah-Like comeback is possibly in the works who knows…..

  • daisyj

    I, M. Night Shyamalan, hereby resolve to get the hell over myself and realize that being a film genuis does not mean that every idea I have is a good one. I further resolve to try working from a script written by someone else for a change, in order that I may be more willing to change things that aren’t working, before I turn into George Lucas without the media empire.

  • Jael

    In 2007, I, Fergie, will acknowledge that I am merely the plastic version of greater pop stars. In contrition, I will stick with the other Peas and no longer flood the radio with crimes against the English language and English landmarks. And I’m sorry to the Dutch too. Totally didn’t know about you guys. On the video front, I will stop humping everything I can.
    And just for kicks, I will try to dress like normal adult women instead of a perv’s naughty girl fantasy. I have seen the error that is loud patterns, tiny hats, random belts, cropped shirts and formal shorts. Now, if someone could just get me Stella McCartney’s number.

  • Martha

    Another easy target, but I can’t resist:
    I, Lindsay Lohan, resolve to get my life back on track in 2007. If I have a substance problem, I resolve to really deal with it and not just make enigmatic statements to the press. I resolve to use my impressive acting talent for good (more movies like Prairie Home Companion, Mean Girls, etc.) and not for evil (parading around in barely female parts-covering clothing at various nightclubs). And I resolve to cut ties with my toxic parents and start forming some decent friendships.
    Come on, girl, you can do it! Don’t flush it all down the ter-let!

  • aron

    In 2007, I, Gwen Stefani, will make sing a good song that isn’t based on a musical w/yodelling, wear less make up, stop bleaching my hair, stop trying to be so different, when what i really want to do is be even more like Madonna.
    In 2007, I, Jessica Simpson, will leave the entertainment business, beacause I can’t perform live, can’t make a decent album, can’t make a decent movie probably because I can’t act.
    In 2007, I, Mooriah Carey, will go on a diet, wear way more clothes, stop believing that I am Marilyn Monroe (because I am the last person who should think that), stop covering up that I have many, many lovers (Eminem, cough), will drop the lawsuit against Mary Carey (porn star), because I am not one to talk-pot and kettle?(no wonder she thinks ther will be confusion between them), and I will go back into oblivion after my next album flops, even when I add more songs to it and release it 12 times to milk it dry, so I can get another boob job. Okay, and I’m done!

  • CBS

    Hi, I’m CBS. Though I’ve unfortunately already committed to the celebs-as-cops reality show, I vow that we will never greenlight such a piece of trash again (you would think that “Tuesday Night Book Club” would have taught me a lesson). I also will do everything in my power to ensure that “Big Brother” dies. I thought airing it three times a week would be too much for viewers and be enough, but obviously other options must be pursued. I will, however, remain committed to classier fare like the Emmy-winning “Amazing Race.”

  • Anna

    woah, aron, Mariah is no misguided star. You wanna go? How bout Madonna– “I will stop making crappy, boring albums like “Confessions on a Dancefloor” and refrain from picking up kids on my next shopping tr–I mean, charity trip to africa.”

  • aron

    No Anna, She is just misguided! It is NOT appropriate to use the term “star” when referring to Mariah.

  • Slammy

    I, Saddam Hussein…(sound of trapdoor falling)

  • Victor Perez

    Happy New Qu- uh, i mean, Year,, Slezak!! You can butter me up anytime!! xox

  • Jen

    Jael … OMG! I can’t believe that you typed EXACTLY what I was thinking!! Fergie needs a whole new makeover … and by makeover, I mean to end her “solo career”. The Peas were clearly NOT holding her back … they were keeping her sane! I miss the good ol’ days when we didn’t see every square inch of her!

  • Me

    I think if Britney teamed up with William Orbit or Mirwais (sp?), the guys who helped Madonna make Ray of Light and Music, it would be incredible.

  • bma

    I, Madonna, resolve to make the funnest, most radio-friendly pop/dance/hip-hop album of all time. I was doing hip-hop/r&b flavored albums (Bedtime Story) back in the day, so you can’t say I’m jumping on any bandwagon.
    I will promote heavily my album and singles, and will make creative videos for all of them.
    Most importantly, I will have the number 1 album and single when I am inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2008!
    Oh, and I will not, ever, wear that damn purple leotard again.

  • Anna

    My point is that Mariah Carey (yes, a “star”) is in no need of any career help from you. That’s why she’s singing the songs and not on the message boards.

  • BJohnson

    Because I love him soo much….
    I, Mel Gibson, resolve to keep my mouth shut for 2007. There is no movie I need to make now that Apocolypto is done. There is no tv interview left to do, by now you either love me or hate me and move on. I do not need to comment on any other celeb and their mouth or their problems. Even though I gave away my daughter in 2006, I still have other kids left to raise and I think I need to take this time to reconnect and make up to my family for the embarrassment I’ve caused them. Finally, I will use some of the money I’ve made from my lucrative career, and hire a personal driver. I’ll even make sure he’s white so not to give the press anymore ammunition to put me in the news. See you in 2008!

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