TomKat's vows revealed!

15489__cruise_lOK, so it’s PopWatch confession time. Sometimes, on Friday afternoons, when it’s all down to searching YouTube for Jane’s Addiction videos and dreaming of mojitos, my colleague Annie Barrett and I like to play a game called "Celebrity Roleplay." And with the Most Blessed Wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes slated for this weekend, we decided to take a crack at enacting their ceremony. After Annie and I arm-wrestled for rights to wear Kate’s white Target gown (she won, naturally) we assumed our roles and exchanged vows. And they went a little something like this…

Tom: I vow to go for it!
Katie: You vow to go for it!
Tom: I respect women.
Katie: You respect women.
Tom: I love women.
Katie: You love women.
Tom: I promise to save you and Dakota Fanning from the blood-sucking aliens that have put the Northeastern United States in peril.
Katie: I miss Pacey.
Tom: Kate! (broad grin)
Katie: (in monotone) My name is Kate.
Tom: I vow to take you in my arms and kiss you passionately at public sporting events.
Katie: I vow to fake it, too.

addCredit(“Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise: SGPItalia/”)

Tom: I vow that you will have a silent birth.
Katie: (silence)
Tom: I vow to get a minimum of $20 million up front, with an option for 15 percent profits on the back end.
Katie: You love women.
Tom: Suri! (broad grin)
Katie: Yep. We’re both here.
Tom:You don’t even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking aboutchemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research paperson how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay? That’s what I’vedone. Then you go and you say where’s the medical test? WHERE’S THEBLOOD TEST THAT SAYS HOW MUCH RITALIN YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GET?
Katie: I vow to crush up some Ritalin and put it into the placenta you never got around to eating.
Tom:I’m living my life. And I feel fortunate, you know. I feel reallyfortunate. And I’m excited. I’m passionate about learning. I’mpassionate about life.
Katie: I miss my friends and family.
Tom: "Respect the c*ck!" (laughs) That’s from Magnolia. I got an Oscar nomination for that. (broad grin)
Katie: (sighs) I know. It was in my orientation binder.
Tom: Help me to help you, Kate.
Katie: Help.

Comments (44 total) Add your comment
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  • The Other Kyle

    You know, people and the media are always saying they’re sick of couples like TomKat.
    Yet they constantly talk about them.
    The best way to get them to go away is to STOP POSTING FRIVOLOUS STUFF ABOUT THEIR LIVES!

  • Danielle

    I don’t know, I found that pretty funny. And probably, scarily, accurate.

  • confidential

    I am glad someone… anyone out there acknowledges that this relationship is pure crap! Its a farse, I tell you!!!! Wait the scientaligist are at my door to take me away…. Just for speaking the truth!!!

  • MAP

    Slezak, you’ve made my day. Again.

  • MK

    I love you, Michael Slezak! Thanks for the laugh. Maybe you could “report” on the honeymoon for us next Friday.

  • Jeff Commings

    I want to know what else was in the “orientation binder.”

  • Nancy Walker

    Very funny! My oh my, Tom better watch that double chin.

  • jen

    Oh so funny! I love that the one time she goes off cue (with Pacey), he brings her back. Hysterical!

  • nathan

    I’m glad Tom’s happy, but I still agree more with the George Clooney lifestyle; Date all of the hot young Hollywood ingenues you can get your hands on, but DO NOT marry them, what’s the point of being famous?

  • Ms Daisy

    Poor Katie. Is it too late for an intervention?

  • Jen

    Katie: (sighs) I know. It was in my orientation binder.
    Ha!! Classic!

  • dan cullinane

    AAAAAAHHHHHH…not funny, so not funny…and it could have been…should have been, its such an easy target…it was hilarious when defamer did it, oh, TWO WEEKS AGO…you sack…every time i go to read something that has promise, it turns out that its just michael slezak tipping yet again into the abyss of suck…when will it stop?! AHHHHHHHH…

  • jenna von oy

    It looks like Dan has a serious unrequited crush on Sleazak.

  • dan cullinane

    jenna — that is the lamest…um…yawn…what…oh, yeah, you’re stupid

  • dommy

    I call tomorrow Xenu Day. Everyone should join in on the merciless mocking of Scientology.

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