OK, so it’s PopWatch confession time. Sometimes, on Friday afternoons, when it’s all down to searching YouTube for Jane’s Addiction videos and dreaming of mojitos, my colleague Annie Barrett and I like to play a game called "Celebrity Roleplay." And with the Most Blessed Wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes slated for this weekend, we decided to take a crack at enacting their ceremony. After Annie and I arm-wrestled for rights to wear Kate’s white Target gown (she won, naturally) we assumed our roles and exchanged vows. And they went a little something like this…
Tom: I vow to go for it!
Katie: You vow to go for it!
Tom: I respect women.
Katie: You respect women.
Tom: I love women.
Katie: You love women.
Tom: I promise to save you and Dakota Fanning from the blood-sucking aliens that have put the Northeastern United States in peril.
Katie: I miss Pacey.
Tom: Kate! (broad grin)
Katie: (in monotone) My name is Kate.
Tom: I vow to take you in my arms and kiss you passionately at public sporting events.
Katie: I vow to fake it, too.
Tom: I vow that you will have a silent birth.
Katie: (silence)
Tom: I vow to get a minimum of $20 million up front, with an option for 15 percent profits on the back end.
Katie: You love women.
Tom: Suri! (broad grin)
Katie: Yep. We’re both here.
Tom:You don’t even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking aboutchemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research paperson how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay? That’s what I’vedone. Then you go and you say where’s the medical test? WHERE’S THEBLOOD TEST THAT SAYS HOW MUCH RITALIN YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GET?
Katie: I vow to crush up some Ritalin and put it into the placenta you never got around to eating.
Tom:I’m living my life. And I feel fortunate, you know. I feel reallyfortunate. And I’m excited. I’m passionate about learning. I’mpassionate about life.
Katie: I miss my friends and family.
Tom: "Respect the c*ck!" (laughs) That’s from Magnolia. I got an Oscar nomination for that. (broad grin)
Katie: (sighs) I know. It was in my orientation binder.
Tom: Help me to help you, Kate.
Katie: Help.
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You know, people and the media are always saying they’re sick of couples like TomKat.
Yet they constantly talk about them.
The best way to get them to go away is to STOP POSTING FRIVOLOUS STUFF ABOUT THEIR LIVES!
I don’t know, I found that pretty funny. And probably, scarily, accurate.
I am glad someone… anyone out there acknowledges that this relationship is pure crap! Its a farse, I tell you!!!! Wait the scientaligist are at my door to take me away…. Just for speaking the truth!!!
Slezak, you’ve made my day. Again.
I love you, Michael Slezak! Thanks for the laugh. Maybe you could “report” on the honeymoon for us next Friday.
I want to know what else was in the “orientation binder.”
Very funny! My oh my, Tom better watch that double chin.
Oh so funny! I love that the one time she goes off cue (with Pacey), he brings her back. Hysterical!
I’m glad Tom’s happy, but I still agree more with the George Clooney lifestyle; Date all of the hot young Hollywood ingenues you can get your hands on, but DO NOT marry them, what’s the point of being famous?
Poor Katie. Is it too late for an intervention?
Katie: (sighs) I know. It was in my orientation binder.
Ha!! Classic!
AAAAAAHHHHHH…not funny, so not funny…and it could have been…should have been, its such an easy target…it was hilarious when defamer did it, oh, TWO WEEKS AGO…you sack…every time i go to read something that has promise, it turns out that its just michael slezak tipping yet again into the abyss of suck…when will it stop?! AHHHHHHHH…
It looks like Dan has a serious unrequited crush on Sleazak.
jenna — that is the lamest…um…yawn…what…oh, yeah, you’re stupid
I call tomorrow Xenu Day. Everyone should join in on the merciless mocking of Scientology.
Nathan, I hope you have had an AIDS test. Remember Freddy Mercury of Queen, and one of the members of the group STYX whose name escapes me at the moment? Unfortunately, they thought just the way you do. And please don’t think condoms will save your life, because they rip!
Michael, loving the Mojitos pictures! I had a draft for 2 bucks a pop at the local Friday’s.
On Friday afternoons, I let my class of 1st graders go on the computers as well as do puzzles so I can clean up my stuff early and leave at the bell. I’m usually the one to reserve the seats for the rest of the teachers who actually work their students.
Good stuff. But, when you got to the part about Tom vowing to get 20 million up front and 15 percentage points on the back end, you didn’t go far enough.
Katie: I vow to get $20 million from you for this, and that will stop people from gossiping about getting back ends.
soooo very creepy.
someone help that girl, please. Oh hell, she’s already sold her soul to the psycho that is Tom Cruise, she’s on her own.
wonder if she’s allowed to speak to her baby yet??
I love you EW. Even you know KH is better off with Pacey aka Josh than that nutcase
My opinion revealed: WHO GIVES A F**K.
honeymoon – pleez pleez – I’m dying to know if it will include an airpunch and a “YES!”
Really, who cares?
Tom and Kate; are they still married? And “they” said it wouldn’t last….. Ha!….30 minuts and counting….
When will the press know that We just don’t care about the stupid words that are said by people who don’t konw how to make the words spicel and with meaning not just dribbl
You forgot the part where she pledges to put on her Nikes and drink the Kool-Aid at the appropriate time…..
That was very good. Annie Barrett is TOO funny.
who doesnt have a serious unrequited crush on slezak?
Michael Slezak, will you marry me (in Canada or Mass.)?
I didn’t read the article because I just can’t TC is my third favorite actor and I still can’t take another TomKat story. I’m sure it’s funny though. Poor Slezak having to write this.