Spot inspection: 'Martha'

93246__martha_lYes, Ms. Stewart, we are aware your kitchen’s spotless, but we still want to check the temperature of your daytime talk-show, Martha. Hey! Is that a cockroach over by the fridge? Just kiddin’!

Love her or hate her, you know you’re in for an interesting hour of TV when Martha Stewart crawls onto the stage on all fours, dressed as a black cat (with makeup courtesy from some dude who worked on the original production of Broadway’s Cats). And now for a tour of the set, including colorful food bowls for cats "alive and deceased," says Martha. Alrighty then!

Let’s bring out… Andy Dick… also dressed as a cat, except for his cat does a very bad Woody Allen impersonation. "I only have five lives left: three in therapy and the other two feral." Martha has no idea how to handle this, so she cuts to a woman in the audience dressed as Martha Stewart, sitting next to someone dressed as a fried egg. Andy says the curvaceous impersonator looks like Martha after she’s eaten a million fried eggs. The real Martha winces. The impersonator claps. The fried egg sits motionless.

"A magical spell has been cast upon the audience and transformed all ofthem into magical and bewitching delights," declares Martha. I’ll havewhat she’s having!

addCredit(“Martha Stewart: NBC”)

A couple dressed as Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen present a real black cat (one of 40 in the audience!) dressed in a Superman cape. "This is definitely one pussy Superman couldn’t handle," sneers Dick, who then proceeds to flirt with an audience member dressed as Captain Hook. Martha, refusing to lose focus, presents a $500 gift certificate from the Hershey’s store to a woman dressed as a lint roller.

Back from break, Andy chases a Martha staffer named Joey who’s dressed as a mouse, but whose wayward costume stuffing makes said mouse look sexually aroused. When Andy tries to feed something to Martha’s dog Francesca, Martha stops him, saying it’ll cause her pooch to "make little smells," so Andy pours black food coloring onto his own tongue. "It says, ‘Ingredients: Cancer!’" Andy screams, spitting the dye into Martha’s kitchen sink while she gamely finishes preparing her cat’s-paw-shaped cookies. "Would you give me a kiss with my black tongue?" he asks. "I wouldn’t give you a kiss without your black tongue!" Martha snaps back with a hearty chuckle. Y’know what? I think she’s lovin this! But then Andy says something about having "butt worms," and then it’s commercial time, and then he never comes back. All that’s left is Martha’s pets expert wearing terrifying tiger face-paint, and The Cheetah Girls, performing some terrifyingly bad song and dance routine. But they have a line of Hasbro toothbrushes that help "build the brand," says the tallest Cheetah. And I realize this is hands-down the most insane-entertaining show in daytime.

Comments (11 total) Add your comment
  • Paul U.

    I love to watch that show on my lunch break! It’s so random and surreal…I liked the last time Andy was on, when he kept making sexual comments about the firefighters working in the kitchen. And Martha is just getting more wacky in her old age!

  • julia

    i tried to watch this show today, but once Martha started going on (and on and on and on) about the cat dishes and the set design, I wanted to gouge my eyes out to stop the madness.. We get it – you have set decorators.. We can enjoy it on our own time.. Now I wish I stuck around for Andy Dick – sounds deliciously awkward..

  • junior

    Not only is Martha an uncomfortably good time but girlfriend just got picked up for a third season. Yeah! More thinly veiled insults and strained conversation await. (If only this show wasn’t produced by the Devil Burnett).

  • Ellipsian

    Oh man…I am *sobbing* over here! That was HIGH-larious, Slezak! I love when you remind me why I love you. Whew.

  • DMC

    Martha’s show is indeed surreal. I am with Julia–I was numb and slightly enraged while Martha went on and on about her silly set design–but that was one of the most boring moments I’ve ever seen on “Martha.” I was sure Andy Dick’s most recent ” insane appearance would be his last, but Martha showed that her sense of humor was more than meets the eye when she brought him back for today’s freak show. With Dick and Charro becoming semi-regular guests, this show has become an absolute camp masterpiece. Yes, the Cheetah Girls (and their bizarre eponymous toothbrush brand plugging) sucked, but they were there for the kids who must be at home watching with their mommies. I had to watch Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers growing up…I can’t wait to see how Martha-nourished children turn out. At least I know my nursing home will be organized and full of fun craft projects.

  • bootsycolumbia

    I always channel-flip when Martha starts because I can’t stand her smug, domestic-diva face, but man! I’ve been missing some wild stuff! Maybe I’ll give her a chance tomorrow.

  • newbie

    I love this show. The first Andy Dick appearance when they were making jack o’lanterns had me in tears & emailing it to everyone I could think of. Martha can be a very good sport & then so pricelessly snipe-y that you’ve got to give her props for truly just being her odd self. One minute it is how to make costumes that look like you are cannibalizing your newborn and the next it is watching her not so subtlely cope with a hyperactive kid during what was supposed to be a precious Auntie Martha segment. There are many moments where things are on the brink. The show is always useful or mesmerizing & on the days that it is both it is spectacular.

  • Kristin

    Martha has become my not so guilty pleasure. The other day she had someone from the show Weeds on. They made brownies, during which, Martha launched into the history of Alice B. Toklas. Then…”but we probably shouldn’t be talking about this, I’m on probation.” I almost fell off my chair.
    Don’t even get me started on the episode with Mo’nique. I kept that one on my tivo for a week.

  • bud

    Martha is the best! If you’re missing it put it on your Tivo and fast forward thru it everyday. You can tell when the best parts are happening. Martha makes my day.

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