1. Construct crude time machine.
2.Go back in time.
3. Pry beer bong from lips of past self, taking care not to touch past self and trigger cataclysmic time paradox or Pay It Forward sequel. (Safety tip: Always wear "time gloves.")
4. Go farther back in time.
5. Pry Pay It Forward script from eager, youthful fingers. Slap self smartly across own youthful, dimpled face.
But perhaps this is the wrong approach. What’s done is done. You had a little too much to drink, and went boldly where many, many child stars have gone before: off the road. You had a little herb on you (a strain the dealer probably oversold as "The Secondhand Lion"), and now, in one spin of Fortuna’s wheel, your image has gone from "I see dead people" to "I saw the Dead, people! In Minneapolis! At least, I think it was them. Might’ve been Phish. Might’ve been a flock of aging geese. What continent is this again?"
So let’s look at your future. First step is to stop the bleeding. Move your current troubles off the front page by involving yourself in a much larger, more prestigious scandal — maybe develop a bomb for Iran. No one will remember your little green bag.
Second, take a page from Dakota Fanning and do some really messed-up sounding movie, maybe one that pulls back the curtain on, say, the dark world of Babylon 5 fan-fic-writing. (No, I will not link you to any Babylon 5 fan fic.) Make sure you have at least one eminently YouTube-able scene. Is Paul Verhoeven busy? You could go dutch on the budget.
Third, marry Dakota Fanning. Not right away! You have enough legal problems. But when the time is right, pop the question. With your powers combined, no one can call Culkin on you.
What advice do you have for young Haley Joel, reader? S.S. PopWatch‘s Ship’s Doctor Jason Adams has this advice: "Go to college! Then you can walk around drunk and have pot in your car." (Ah, the ’90s!)
We’ll see you on the E Channel – True Hollywood Stories!
title: From “dead people” to Dead Career
Haley really doesn’t look bad. I was expecting something really aweful to have happened to him of the button nose. He is ACTtractive enough for movie acting, though he can’t do the fluff route that Anna Paquin has taken because he isn’t THAT ACTtractive.
Teenagers like to drink beer. He is in that phase of life. Cut him some slack.
Perhaps he should go into voice work. He did a pretty good job as Sora for both Kingdom Hearts games.
Clearly, his problems with drugs are worse than with alcohol. They found pot in the car, which happened to be a SATURN. Does that seem wierd to anyone else that a star would drive a Saturn? My guess is that he blew all them 6th Sense Royalties on weed! Embarrasing is that he lives in Cali where you can get a medical card for that.
Didn’t the kid from Home alone also get busted with pot? I remember the “Dude, you are getting a Dell” kid got busted with possession too, as did that one famous tennis star a few years ago. What is it with child protoges and pot anyway?
Well, now we know why he’s driving a ’95 Saturn…he’s spending all his money on DRUGS! and ALKYHOL!! Tsk tsk…he seemed like such a nice boy.
Shouldn’t you rewatch a movie before referencing it? SPOILER!
Osment’s character… if you’ve seen the film to critique it… doesn’t get to make a sequel. But I would pay money to see an M. Night Shyamalan “Sixth Sense” sequel– perhaps you meant that?
It’s too bad we don’t EW doesn’t realize that the last thing this 18 y/o needs is this kind of ribbing and teasing. I’m not even a huge Osment fan or anything but just struck how unfunny this is. Why have we become so mean spirited!
It’s really getting old how people make a big deal just because he’s a famous actor and he decided to have some fun and drink a lil’ too much. He’s older and he’s not the little boy who saw dead people anymore, so get over it.
When compared to Kelly Clarkson’s recent example of drinking while having a funtime, this is the bad example of drinking while having a funtime, in a car, with pot. Bad, very bad.
Haley Joel, we know, you’re not really getting the lead roles now that puberty has done its evil deeds, but you’re still cute (or handsome? attractive? no attractive is too much, let’s stick with handsome) and smart. This is no way to behave.
I think some drug counseling sessions, a sit down with Oprah (if she’ll have you) and maybe a college tour about the dangers of DWI should get you back in people’s good graces while raising your profile a bit. You could steal a part from Rory Culkin, who does he think he is. You would have totally rocked in “The Night Listener.”
No one gives a rat’s ass that he had a little too much to drink. Haven’t we all? What bothers me is that he got behind the wheel, putting himself and countless others in danger. The only thing missing was an anti-semitic diatribe!
You have left off the inevitable host duties on SNL. Also, If your story is sad and you can cry easily, you go on Oprah. If not, go on Leno, after the apologetic cover story of People.
Then, to jump start your career, sign on for Scorpions on a bus.
I love that people think that the pot is a bigger deal than the alcohol. Because, you know, we hear of so many fatal “high-driving” accidents, and there’s soooo much scientific evidence that pot is dangerous. If people would actually research marijuana, they might find themselves wondering why they’ve been listening to a government that will demonize whatever it can for good PR and why alcohol is a legal drug and marijuana isn’t.
Oh, and Scott, I love ya, you’re by far my favorite blogger here at EW, but get off Haley’s back!
Do a couple of high-profile indies during spring break. Peole will forgive you if you try to help young filmmakers create their “art.” And who knows, maybe you’ll hook up with the next Tarantino or Robert Rodriquez.
Hey Christopher, I think Scott meant that Osment “take care NOT to… trigger… a Pay It Forward sequel…” by going back in time. Paraphrased, obviously, but might make the intent easier to see.
Not really too concerned about the kid’s partying- hello, remember college?- but the driving while playing is dangerous and should be addressed (within his own life, not by the public).