1. Construct crude time machine.
2.Go back in time.
3. Pry beer bong from lips of past self, taking care not to touch past self and trigger cataclysmic time paradox or Pay It Forward sequel. (Safety tip: Always wear "time gloves.")
4. Go farther back in time.
5. Pry Pay It Forward script from eager, youthful fingers. Slap self smartly across own youthful, dimpled face.
But perhaps this is the wrong approach. What’s done is done. You had a little too much to drink, and went boldly where many, many child stars have gone before: off the road. You had a little herb on you (a strain the dealer probably oversold as "The Secondhand Lion"), and now, in one spin of Fortuna’s wheel, your image has gone from "I see dead people" to "I saw the Dead, people! In Minneapolis! At least, I think it was them. Might’ve been Phish. Might’ve been a flock of aging geese. What continent is this again?"
So let’s look at your future. First step is to stop the bleeding. Move your current troubles off the front page by involving yourself in a much larger, more prestigious scandal — maybe develop a bomb for Iran. No one will remember your little green bag.
Second, take a page from Dakota Fanning and do some really messed-up sounding movie, maybe one that pulls back the curtain on, say, the dark world of Babylon 5 fan-fic-writing. (No, I will not link you to any Babylon 5 fan fic.) Make sure you have at least one eminently YouTube-able scene. Is Paul Verhoeven busy? You could go dutch on the budget.
Third, marry Dakota Fanning. Not right away! You have enough legal problems. But when the time is right, pop the question. With your powers combined, no one can call Culkin on you.
What advice do you have for young Haley Joel, reader? S.S. PopWatch’s Ship’s Doctor Jason Adams has this advice: "Go to college! Then you can walk around drunk and have pot in your car." (Ah, the ’90s!)
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We’ll see you on the E Channel – True Hollywood Stories!
title: From “dead people” to Dead Career
Haley really doesn’t look bad. I was expecting something really aweful to have happened to him of the button nose. He is ACTtractive enough for movie acting, though he can’t do the fluff route that Anna Paquin has taken because he isn’t THAT ACTtractive.
Teenagers like to drink beer. He is in that phase of life. Cut him some slack.
Perhaps he should go into voice work. He did a pretty good job as Sora for both Kingdom Hearts games.
Clearly, his problems with drugs are worse than with alcohol. They found pot in the car, which happened to be a SATURN. Does that seem wierd to anyone else that a star would drive a Saturn? My guess is that he blew all them 6th Sense Royalties on weed! Embarrasing is that he lives in Cali where you can get a medical card for that.
Didn’t the kid from Home alone also get busted with pot? I remember the “Dude, you are getting a Dell” kid got busted with possession too, as did that one famous tennis star a few years ago. What is it with child protoges and pot anyway?
Well, now we know why he’s driving a ‘95 Saturn…he’s spending all his money on DRUGS! and ALKYHOL!! Tsk tsk…he seemed like such a nice boy.
Shouldn’t you rewatch a movie before referencing it? SPOILER!
Osment’s character… if you’ve seen the film to critique it… doesn’t get to make a sequel. But I would pay money to see an M. Night Shyamalan “Sixth Sense” sequel– perhaps you meant that?
It’s too bad we don’t EW doesn’t realize that the last thing this 18 y/o needs is this kind of ribbing and teasing. I’m not even a huge Osment fan or anything but just struck how unfunny this is. Why have we become so mean spirited!
It’s really getting old how people make a big deal just because he’s a famous actor and he decided to have some fun and drink a lil’ too much. He’s older and he’s not the little boy who saw dead people anymore, so get over it.
When compared to Kelly Clarkson’s recent example of drinking while having a funtime, this is the bad example of drinking while having a funtime, in a car, with pot. Bad, very bad.
Haley Joel, we know, you’re not really getting the lead roles now that puberty has done its evil deeds, but you’re still cute (or handsome? attractive? no attractive is too much, let’s stick with handsome) and smart. This is no way to behave.
I think some drug counseling sessions, a sit down with Oprah (if she’ll have you) and maybe a college tour about the dangers of DWI should get you back in people’s good graces while raising your profile a bit. You could steal a part from Rory Culkin, who does he think he is. You would have totally rocked in “The Night Listener.”
No one gives a rat’s ass that he had a little too much to drink. Haven’t we all? What bothers me is that he got behind the wheel, putting himself and countless others in danger. The only thing missing was an anti-semitic diatribe!
You have left off the inevitable host duties on SNL. Also, If your story is sad and you can cry easily, you go on Oprah. If not, go on Leno, after the apologetic cover story of People.
Then, to jump start your career, sign on for Scorpions on a bus.
I love that people think that the pot is a bigger deal than the alcohol. Because, you know, we hear of so many fatal “high-driving” accidents, and there’s soooo much scientific evidence that pot is dangerous. If people would actually research marijuana, they might find themselves wondering why they’ve been listening to a government that will demonize whatever it can for good PR and why alcohol is a legal drug and marijuana isn’t.
Oh, and Scott, I love ya, you’re by far my favorite blogger here at EW, but get off Haley’s back!
Do a couple of high-profile indies during spring break. Peole will forgive you if you try to help young filmmakers create their “art.” And who knows, maybe you’ll hook up with the next Tarantino or Robert Rodriquez.
Hey Christopher, I think Scott meant that Osment “take care NOT to… trigger… a Pay It Forward sequel…” by going back in time. Paraphrased, obviously, but might make the intent easier to see.
Not really too concerned about the kid’s partying- hello, remember college?- but the driving while playing is dangerous and should be addressed (within his own life, not by the public).
um…
he should come out as GAY- tell the world he was just confused and upset because of his hidden gay love and homo-erotic feelings. That’s why he drank himself into oblivion that night and was carrying around the marijuana- he was trying to end it. Because he was gay.
Not only will he get his fans back but also gain a huge gay fanbase. Everyone loves a tearjerker.
Anon-
I don’t think anyone’s really sweating the herb too much. The stats show that nearly half of grownups in the USA have done it at least once. My guess is at least a few people here probably understand that weed isn’t that big of a deal. But when a child star gets busted drinking n driving with some sticky icky indica/sativa blended sensimilla in the car, it doesn’t help maintain a clean image. And clearly weed remains stigmatized in the public eye, as demonstrated by the the loss of contracts for the “DUDE, You are Getting A Dell” guy after he got busted with marijuana.
YES, a lot of people get high and are able to lead normal lives. The guy who started Progressive Insurance is known to his friends as a “functional pothead”. But to be 18 and getting busted for DUI with herb in the pocket implies that this isn’t the first time our guy’s gotten behind the wheek of his pimpin’ Saturn after pulling a few monster hits from the bong. Smoking herb can be fun and cool, but getting stoned and driving is plum irresponsible. Mary Jane may get rid of cateracts and studies have shown she doesn’t give lung cancer like tobacco, but she does seem to make people’s reaction times a loooooot slooowwwwerrrrr.
SPOILER AGAIN!
Lauren, so he meant “don’t trigger a repeat of the ‘Pay It Forward’ situation” and just shouldn’t have used to word sequel? He was talking about a Sophmore curse, the situation itself and not literally the movie, and used the word ’sequel’ really clumsily? Because HJO couldn’t be in a sequel to PIF, as the character… oh, you know!
Firstly, he needs to do some major “Alleluia”s that he didn’t injure or kill someone else. Secondly, recover from his own injuries. Thirdly, rather than having a rep trot him and press releases out with apologies and puppy dog eyes of remorse, prove you’re sorry BY NEVER LETTING IT HAPPEN AGAIN. I could care less if he becomes a devout teetotaler, and given his age it’s unlikely–however, I hope this has taught him not to mess with his own or other’s mortality.
After a few months break, he should work himself into small parts in great movies for a while. Maybe some stage work.
Somehow, after this incident and being in two of my least favorite movies of all time (Pay it Forward & A.I), I still manage to like this kid and hope that he is quickly able to get his life back on track.
Speaking of tracks–can we please enact a law requiring a Celebrity lane on all major roads? It would be about 20 feet past the shoulder and maybe even have bumper guards like the gutters on a child’s bowling lane or a guiding track like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.
I’m callin’ for a Gump Jr. film, or a Jeff Foxworthy Show reunion. Either one will get him back in my good grace.
We’ll see you on the E Channel – True Hollywood Stories!
title: From “dead people” to Dead Career
Ed | Aug 18, 2006 1:00:24 PM
OUCH!!! hehe…
He is fortunate to be alive! And it is a good thing for him he did not kill someone. I would like to see a celebrity pay for their mistakes. Robert Blake, OJ Simpson, and others have gotten away with murder. His slight injuries are nothing compared to what it could have been.
For years, I’ve been bored by Osment’s acting, with his wide eyes and his too-earnest, choked-with-emotion delivery of lines. He should forget about trying to maintain his “star status” as an adult and focus on working behind the scenes.
Why so much hatred toward this kid? He is in that awkward age for a child actor and he did something really stupid (a couple of things, actually). Anybody who has teenagers, or who ever was a teenager, shouldn’t be shocked by a teenager acting stupid. Give the kid some education on drunk driving and drugs–penalize him as appropriate and leave him alone. This won’t end his career–but it remains to be seen whether he really has one anymore, now that he is not a cute little boy. I feel for him.
Too bad David Spade already made that movie about a child actor who’s life takes a wrong turn…
WHO CARES !! I SURE DON’T , IAM NOT A FAN BUT IF U WANT MY 6 CENTS , JUST LEARN FROM YOUR F-UP & KEEP MOVEING CAUSE THIS MAY NOT BE YOUR WORST F-UP IN LIFE, & JUST REMEMBER THERE ARE PEOPLE LIKE ME OUT HERE WHO [ DON'T CARE !]
If I were him I’d produce a TV Series Sequel to The Sixth Sense and pitch it to ABC.
Eventhough there have been shows where the main character can communicate with the dead, this is the character that made that thing famous recently.
Have him be in High School and solve different supernatural cases for students (Veronica Mars Style).
It would be a hit I’m sure.
Who cares? He’s like, 18 years old. We are all over it already.
All I can say is, he is gonna be HOT when the babyfat melts. Buff up, little Haley, and do something in ‘R’(Waiting). And if McConagay can get high, and Drew Barrymore can have a “career” there’s no reason we can’t expect more from this one.
Or not.
Who gives a ^%$*?
All he needs is a good ensemble piece!