"The truth is, if we were gay, we would tell you, because there’s nothing wrong with being gay."
–Oprah Winfrey, on her close friendship with Gayle King
I woke up this morning in a particularly not-gay mood, and decided today would be a good day to inform you all how not-gay I am.
Let me preface this by saying: I wish I were gay, because it’s just about the coolest way to be. Gay people are awesome. I have LOTS of gay friends, some of whom are really, REALLY gay; others are just a little gay, like, weekend-gay. I love them all — but not in a gay way. Because I am not gay. Although I support gayness and all related charites. This would be a good time to make a joke about how "I gay at the office," but that might make you think I’m gay. Which I’m not.
Why is it important for me to tell you how not-gay I am? Not for the sake of my privacy. No, no, I’m giving that up, in a way, by going on and on about my not-gayness. I’ve actually cracked the door on my personal life with this little revelation, revealing a world of hoochies, slatterns, and trollops, who are, even as I type these words, nibbling on my hard hetero earlobes.
(I even keep a girl in my desk drawer, just as a precaution. That’s how not-gay I am.)
Ahem.
Conclusion: It’s not to protect my privacy, which is best protected by silence, patience, and just-doing-my-job. By opening up to you about my not-gayness, I actually run the risk of two deadly criticisms: a) that "the lady doth protest too much" (rebuttal: I am not a "lady"); and b) that, despite my above protestations, I am homophobic (rebuttal: If I were homophobic, why would my towels match my shower curtain? Boo-yah!).
So why am I spending so much time, effort, and ink convincing you how not-gay I am? It must be that I distrust you, dear reader. As a public figure (and, let’s face it, straight sex symbol) in these unsteady and allegedly Rapturous times, I can’t afford even a whiff of suspicion, lest the hillbilly hoards turn on me. What’s more, by inoculating myself against these alle-gay-tions (a very straight coinage, I think you’ll agree), I am not only protecting myself, but all of my gay friends and, by extension, the entire gay community. The last thing my gay friends need is another gay controversy.
Can’t we all just get along? Without, you know, getting along too well (because I don’t swing that way, bucko, so back off)?
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Leave the woman alone!
I have absolutely no problem in believing that Gayle King and Oprah Winfrey are not lesbian lovers. It seems clear to me – and should be to anyone but cynics and miscreants – that they have been friends for a very long time.
In a world where fame and success brings its share of detractors and low-lives who would sell their mothers for the quick buck of a scoop – it can become very isolating – it is simply understandable that Ms. Winfrey holds on steadfastly to the true friendships in her life.
And while I am far from being her “biggest fan”, nor am I a subscriber of her magazine, or even a devotee of her “Ah-Ha Moments”, it’s hard to deny her many achievements, among which: creating a positive role model (for women and men of every color), and encouraging people to donate to the less fortunate (her Miracle Network). People, she got America reading again!
It’s undeniable (to me) that she has many virtues, not the least of which being authenticity. We are talking about someone that has remained true to herself and has encouraged her viewership to do the same.
While there is no onus on her to divulge her sexuality, I would find it hard to believe that she would have cultivated a Steadman masquerade/alibi for all these years. When “Live Your Best Life” is your leitmotiv, and when you have been open about everything from your weight fluctuations to the sexual abuse you’ve suffered in the past, something as benign as lesbianism – isn’t it, like, the number one fantasy of heterosexual men the world over – is not much of a secret, really.
In fact, in this era of Ellen (God Love Her), Melissa Etheridge, and countless other positive gay women role models, that if Ms. Winfrey were gay, she’d say it, she’d own it, and she’d educate. But she isn’t. And even if she were, heck, that’s nobody’s business but her own, so leave the woman alone. Maybe it’s just easier to try to drag people out of the closet (whether they are in it or not) than to face the skeletons lying in our own.
Truth be told, I really am gay. Thanks for all the support
Oprah
Oh Scott – now I really wish you were gay so that we could be together. You made my day with this!
OK Scott, that was the funniest thing I have ever read here. 2 snaps for you, my friend.
btw…I’m not gay either
That was hilarious, Scott! But not as hilarious as it would have been if you were gay, let’s face it. Just more proof that you’re not gay. Right?
Correction: That deserves two around the world and back snaps!!
Has anyone ever seen a show called “Girlfriends”? Although it’s not a very good example, black women (all women really) sometimes have close longterm friendships with (bum, bumm, BAM) other women.
And I’ve heard (although haven’t witnessed in the wild yet) that some men have longterm friendships with (wait for it) other men… AGAST!
While this entry was funny, I think we should talk more about how sex/sexuality obssessed culture is?
I’m sorry you aren’t gay. I’m happy that you are. Whatever. I’m concerned that your total denial and Oprah’s took five paragraghs. What I really concerned about is the girl in your desk drawer. Is she a blow-up or someone need to call the authorities?
Gay for just one day? Would you give it all away? Gay for pay? Gay for President? Does it matter?
Thanks for the laugh, Scott. I’d also like to point out the first three letters of Gayle King’s name. G-A-Y. Gay.
But seriously, maybe I missed something, but why did Oprah even need to deny being gay? I’ve been working a lot this summer, but I still try and keep up on the wonders of pop culture. Was there some Oprah and Gayle are gay lovers controversy? Because I have to say, I’d always assumed they were just friends and the first I’d ever heard of Oprah and Gayle being gay was when Oprah said they weren’t. WTF?
Oh my god, I was just telling my cousin the other day of the Stedman Hide Away. I to my cousin that Oprah and Gayle were together and that Stedman was a device to fool the public. Man was I wrong, or am I?
Praise you Scott for making me laugh – I’m having a really crappy day and didn’t think it was possible.
Oprah should not dignify these ninnys with a response. Why can’t a woman have a best friend that is another woman? Stedman and Oprah have parted for whatever reasons are her own. I hope all of you have a best friend-or close to it. Leave Oprah alone!
First off – mad props for the entry. Laughed a bit too hard, might have peed a little, but that is neither here nor there. What I find sad, however, is that Oprah needs to take time out of doing what she does best (being a role model, donating gajillions to charities, making the world a better place, getting hot dogs and hot dog buns to be sold in the same amount) to deny the rumor. It shows that we live in a country where, despite what Oprah said, people have an illogical issue with homosexuality. Which than raises the question, if Oprah isnt gay, and you arent gay, than what pop culture icons do gays of any age, race or gender have to look up to as role models? Yes, Ellen is a remarkable woman with an amazing show, hit stand up and a heart of gold, but has anyone noticed how she had to rather un-gay herself a bit to make the comeback? So I call upon you, o humourous one, and Oprah – be gay. Even if just for a day. Give a group a positive leader. It will be fabulous I promise.
Scott, if you are SO not-Gay, why did you pick me up in that leather bar last month? And why haven’t you called?
Hey! I’m not gay either!
You know, I’m not gay either…so you can imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning next to this hot..ahem, I mean strange dude after a night of drinking.
Damn those drinks! They make you do some crazy $hit but at least I’m not gay!
I don’t see why people think it’s so bad that she said she’s not gay. She’s just being honest. Isn’t that what everyone loves about Oprah? I mean, if I were gay I wouldn’t want people thinking or assuming that I was straight. And if I were straight I wouldn’t want people thinking or assuming I was gay. Simply because I don’t want to be (or pretend to be) something I’m not.
I almost skipped reading this. I knew if Oprah was gay, she would have admitted it a long time ago. She knows you don’t decided to be gay. You just are. I love Oprah. She speaks the truth.
Scott…I’m so straight it’s not funny. Want to meet up for a drink? You, me, Oprah? It would be fabulous.
‘weekend-gay”…I LOVE IT!!
Also…I never understood why people have to make a big “I’m gay” statment. I didn’t sit my family down to announce that I like boys (I am a girl), so why should Oprah or Gayle or half the guys in my old high school have to make a pronouncement of their sexual preference? It is so silly!
Scott, if you were gay, that’s cool. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Nose-When everyone assumes you’re heterosexual, of course there’s no need to make a statement. Just like there’s no need for Richard Simmons or Sean Hayes to make a statement. For some, like Ellen DeGeneres and Oprah, whose sexuality is debated, a yes or no answer can put that speculation to rest. For many “regular” homosexuals, who feel oppressed by the hetero status quo, coming out and having pride parades, etc., is a way to assert their individuality and validate themselves. At any rate, as gay people become more accepted by society, the gay liberation movement will naturally wind down, and people won’t be as strident about announcing their sexuality.
Please leave me alone
I AM GAY, AND I HAVE NOT HURT ANYONE
OPRAH
Thank you, Brandon, for explaining why gay people have to make a big “I’m gay” statement. When people naturally assume everyone’s a heterosexual, it’s kind of tough to not be. Also, there’s this thing about wanting to be honest about who you are to yourself and the people you care about.
Anyway, enough lecturing, this piece was hilarious! Weekend-gay was definitely the funniest part, I laughed out loud. Thanks, Scott! I wish you were gay, but it’s totally ok if you’re not
YOU ARE GAYER THAN ME and I AM A HOMO. HOW CUTE.
Hey, check out Scott’s pic…this guy even looks gay. I can’t wait til I get a chance to use “weekend-gay” in a conversation.
http://www.ew.com/ew/allabout/0,9930,19351_11_0_,00.html#opinion
I’m a weekday Bisexual!!!
This woman preaches about being real, that is why we give a damn about her lying about her sexuality. She thinks it is some kind of secret, when it’s not. Lordy, don’t you remember her asking someone (forget who it was) about their bra. Now that bra is famous. I am a woman, and I have never commented to anyone how great their tits look in a bra. To be honest, I am not even remotely looking at their tits..HA! Even when Oprah is in public with Steadman, you can see that orange hair of Gayles in the background somewhere. They may not be lovers, but she obviously prefers female company. Lets face it, she has made living on surrounding herself with women