We begin this weekend’s To-Do List with a big To-Don’t: Don’t do anything on this list if it means sitting indoors for too long. It’s Memorial Day. Get outside and play Frisbee. Barbecue. Hug your kids/dog/mannequin friend a little harder. Take your video iPod, of course. And your PSP. And your Treoberry CyberPalm PDA-majig. And your full-body "Entertainment Suit," which transmits media directly into your body via direct skin contact. But, by all means, get out there.
Nothing will make you want to enjoy nature more than a viewing of Al Gore’s excellent and (shocker!) lively global-warming documentary An Inconvenient Truth.
If you must suckle at the glass teat this holiday weekend, suckle something decent. I haven’t seen any of Sharpe, a summerlong Napoleonic epic starring Sean Bean. (BBC America, Sat. 9 p.m.) But it stars Sean friggin’ Bean. Of the two Mr. Beans, he is the one I’d follow into the breach.
Other than that? Don’t bother. The TV people aren’t expecting you to watch. I mean, they’ve got Tim Allen on Inside the Actors Studio!
If you’re not still observing that French boycott, you might want to pick up Philippe Dupuy and Charles Berberian’s Gallic comic Get a Life, hilariously ordinary tales of Mr. Jean, a laconic, bulbous-nosed Parisian.
If you hate America, sample the Dixie Chicks new… oh wait, that’s three-year-old copy. Here’s the new stuff: If you love America, try the Dixie Chicks new album, Taking the Long Way. They still ain’t sorry. And that’s the way we like ‘em. And if you’re still grinding that axe, I hear these new albums make excellent ballast for your swift boat.
Chris Williman would like to remind you that Johnny Cash did not have a "shaky" voice — Joaquin Phoenix did. Don’t believe the Willman? Ask Johnny Cash, via his Personal File.
I will warn you: The following is both stupid and contagious. And totally dork-tastic. This marks the first and quite possibly the last time I will feel the urge to join a British ukulele orchestra.
And before you come down off that, head on over to this sweet Vulcan crib (pictured). As always, watch the salsa — that’s real Romulan leather you’re sitting on.
Oh, and if you absolutely must do the X-Men movie thing — yeah, I probably will, too — then be sure to watch this first. And next week, we shall discuss. The word "travesty" may come up, in conjunction with the word "Ratner."