Dear Michael Jackson, How can we help?

16342__mj_lMy instant-message conversation with an impertinent young blogger not named Scott Brown — and his inevitable mocking of his blogfather’s love for all things Thriller:

ThaBlogfatha: So I just read that Michael Jackson is working on a new album

NotScottBrown: Ah, yes. The tragedy is now multinational. Where is he recording again?

ThaBlogfatha: He’s recording for a label owned by a Bahraini prince — presumably a label that didn’t exist before Mike said he needed some scratch to record an album.

NotScottBrown: What are you talking about? Son of King of Bahrain Records sounds like a totally legit outfit. I wonder if they offer a competitive dental plan.

ThaBlogfatha: I know, I know — despite all the weirdness, i’m still hoping there’s some miracle producer out there who can whip him into shape, get him back to his Thriller fighting weight. Am I naive to think that way?

NotScottBrown: Fighting weight? To tip the scales that much, you’d have to find parts of him that are long gone.

ThaBlogfatha: No plastic surgery jokes! We’ll be sued.

NotScottBrown: No, no, sir. I speak of the man’s soul, not his nose.

ThaBlogfatha: Well, he still has a soul…

NotScottBrown: Invincible argues otherwise.

addCredit(“Michael Jackson: Michael Adebari/LFI”)

ThaBlogfatha: I’m envisioning a moody concept album produced by, say, Brian Wilson.

NotScottBrown: Brian Wilson?! Chaperoning Michael Jackson? Who’s chaperoning Brian Wilson?

ThaBlogfatha: Brian Wilson is The Man.

NotScottBrown: Granted, Wilson staged a comeback. But he’slived a lot longer. Michael might have to go through the same thing,banish his various Dr. Landys, and break on through to the other side.Only then will we find out if any of his genius is intact.

ThaBlogfatha: And he needs to stop wearing those damn military uniforms!

NotScottBrown: Well, yes. Then there’s that.

ThaBlogfatha: Maybe Elvis Costello knows what to do — he’s made more albums in as many genres than anyone i can think of.

NotScottBrown: As long as he doesn’t reprogram Michael to yodel Costello-ishly…

ThaBlogfatha: Elvis doesn’t yodel!

NotScottBrown: Oh, what do you call that soulful yak-bleat he does?

ThaBlogfatha: Don’t mess with Elvis — "Alison" seemed very deep when i was 13

NotScottBrown: I have not a leg to stand on. When I was 13, Iwas listening to some toxic cocktail of Billy Joel and Werid AlYankovic. I have no taste.

ThaBlogfatha: Maybe Michael should stay away the touching of the sexy ladies in the music videos too — it’s just not his thing.

NotScottBrown: Well, I know malaise when I see it, and touching sexy ladies in music videos is definitely one of the symptoms.

ThaBlogfatha: Maybe he should do an album of dusty covers, like Rod Stewart!

NotScottBrown: Hmm, covers could work. The good news is this:Nothing is beneath him. He has hit rock bottom and jackhammered throughto find fresh new hells.

ThaBlogfatha: Yet somehow he still occupies the sublevel of hell just above PopWatch HQ

NotScottBrown: Is that him I hear knock-knock-knockin’ at our hatch door.

ThaBlogfatha: Ooo, what if he recorded a duet with the ghost of Mama Cass?

NotScottBrown: I don’t think he eats ham. But that’s a small obstacle.

ThaBlogfatha: Make your own kind of music, Michael! Actually, no, don’t. That’s what got us into this mess.

NotScottBrown: So, yes, let’s get him back on track, so we can get back to the important business of making TomKat puns.

ThaBlogfatha: (sigh)

[UPDATE: Je. sus. walks. after all! It seems that Kanye West may be the aforementioned miracle producer for which the blogfather prayed.]

Comments (21 total) Add your comment
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  • d.c.

    he will make as many hits as Poor Whitney..
    Completely lost his fans and anyone who would care to spend a dime to see him..

  • lylelyle

    Michael needs to kiss Quincy Jones’s ass or whatever it takes to get him to produce again…using a grab bag of the latest flavor producers is not going to work…only Mariah has seemed to catch lightning with that formula…no what I mean?

  • Aramis

    MO’C – too freakin’ hilarious!
    Unfortunately I think Michael is a lost cause. While there were a few notable…uh…somethings on “Invincible,” the album itself was lacklaster at best. And that was suppose to be “The Emancipation of Mikey” to resurrect a long dead career. Instead he only sprialed further into the – and I say this lightly – wacky and strange world that he apparently is the only citizen of as he is both royalty and protector (the royal demeanor about his militaryesque clothing choices…*gag*).
    Maybe he should knock himself down another level and join you guys in the foibling of the entertainment industry’s elite? He’ll be your Joan Rivers! No? Ok, well, he’s doomed then.

  • sam

    michael jackson is the most talented entertainer,he will make a big come back,with great soings,
    i love u michael
    the king of pop is backkkkkkkk

  • leo tolstoy

    well i’m so happy for michael that at least he left the hell called USA,which is the land of immature,juvenille,freak perverts who care a damn about humans and human psychology.Thanks michael for leaving that doomed land and its idiot,isolated lunatic inhabitants.

  • Jonathan

    Say what you want about Michael Jackson because I’m sure you all will anyway because I know you have nothing else better to do with your sad miserable pathetic lives, that circle around writing and talking about this man. BUT he is the King of Pop, no one, no one has ever innovated music the way he has, sold the amount of records he has, or captured the attention of Pop culture, America and the world like he has. So whatever you say about him (which is all usually lies) trying saying that, because it’s the truth.
    As for a new album, it will be great. I have been a fan of Mike since I was 7 (I’m 21 now) black or white was all i played for every minute of the day for like a year it seemed like and Invincible debuted at #1 in 13 countries around the world (the USA included) and went on to sell over 10 million copies worlde wide, and was his fastest selling album ever (Thriller included) the sales stopped when sony stopped promoting it, 4 months after it came out, what do you think would have happend if Mariah or Justin or Usher had their record support and promotion stopped after 1 single was released and did no tour and no magazine covers? They sure wouldn’t sell over 10 illion copies and debute at #1 in 13 countries around the world. By the way, that was his worst selling album… I don’t see the competition (like there is any) being able to say that their worst record performed that way, all the critics need to shhhhhhh! You lose, he wins. If he never recorded another album he would still retain all his records and his crown. So silencio’!
    He’ll do fine. Can’t wait Mike, please come out with some more tight ‘ish and shut these critics up… again.

  • Akpomiemie Anthony.

    Dear All,
    Why cant people just get serious about their own lives intead of spending time trying to get a single man down. Michael is a gift to the world, we all know it. That kingdoms are given birth to and latter die is evident in history but the names of kings and thier acts stay on. Please leave this man alone, I hope he would come out with a song that would make all of you seal your lips and think about how to make your own names heard instead of tearing others down to make some five minutes fame.

  • pn

    Hey Jonathan youre really cute….

  • dma69

    Alright, I’ll get serious with my life. I refuse to buy MJ’s new album, if it ever comes out. Hey, you gotta start somewhere. :)

  • EP Sato

    MJ can really inspire people to this day! However, I understood MJ’s worst selling album to be History. Scuttlebutt was that it was sold as a double cd set, but the label counted every copy sold as two sales, inflating it to a gold record. That doesn’t sound like no 11 million copies to me.
    The problem with Michael Jackson is that he no longer works with Quincy Jones, who produced MJ’s best albums. I have no idea why he split up this creative team for his later efforts, but none of MJ’s albums since then have come close to recreating the magic of Bad or Thriller.

  • B Raj

    OK. Let’s get serious here. If MJ had a concert TOMORROW in any major city in the US it would be sold out immediately. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that Mike has run out of fans. To be fair….some of the MJ fans seem to be complete nut-jobs. He is a man, not a God, who just happens to be very talented (albeit usually misguided) at making music. With the exception of a few songs, Invincible was a very enjoyable album. I really enjoyed the songs, even though the Rodney Jerkins production seemed a little overdone and unoriginal. He seems to get into trouble when he starts talking about kids in his songs (i.e The Lost Children, Speechless…JESUS Michael, you DO IT TO YOURSELF!!) Leave the kids alone in both your professional and personal lives! Anyway…I’m looking forward to a new MJ album, and I’m willing to forgive past transgressions for one solid 70 minute chunk of great music.

  • Carla

    Michael, I have just two words for you! GROW UP!!!!!

  • Ian

    Michael Jackson is fully capable of a decent-sized comeback. As has been stated here, if he were to tour major cities in the US, the concerts would sell out, and at prices comparable to what Madonna asks for. That’s the power of nostalgia for songs that remain so popular to this day and for Jackson’s power as a performer which is undiminished onstage as evidenced by his 30th Anniversary bash. Now, if he were to pull a Prince and bundle a new album with every ticket sold for his tour, he would do very well on the sales front as well. Thing is, Jackson doesn’t particularly like to tour.
    He used to be good at reinventing himself until ego took over and it all stayed in the same militaristic, overblown vein that seemed to be created as a shield against increasing public adversity. Musically, every album since ‘Dangerous’ has had a few genuinely excellent tracks, but they get weighed down by forgettable and/or treacly songs. If he still wants to write ballads, then he should be clever and release two albums simultaneously, one of uptempo numbers and one of ballads, giving hardcore fans two albums to buy and more casual listeners an option that’s not so uneven in tone as was ‘Invincible.’
    If Jackson were to combine: a steady month’s publicity, hitting perhaps Oprah, Rolling Stone, MTV, heck maybe even SNL etc, a tour, a new album, one or two quality videos… he’d get that comeback. A lot would rely on the album being strong, but even just a limited tour would keep him visible (hopefully in a good way) and promote the album and shore up his finances.
    Speaking of which, he should just cut Neverland loose – he’s said it’s tainted, why hold on to a money sinkhole he’ll never live in again?
    It’s not impossible for Jackson to return in a big way, but the man has a habit of shooting himself in the foot or clinging to a false sense of reality that assumes his drawing power is the same now as it was 15 years ago. He’s still a megastar untapped, but he will have to work very hard and steadily to crawl his way back towards the top for an appreciable amount of time. No quick ‘King of Pop’ propaganda blitz is going to send him to the top and let him coast there – it didn’t even work the first time when Nirvana symbolically took over #1.

  • fan4life

    There will never be another performer in the history of the world that has done so much for music today and continues to be loved by his many REAL fans. I’m 47 years old and just the mention of Michael’s name takes me back to the little boy whose voice and dancing I fell in love with all those years ago. It’s so wrong that some want to bad mouth someone who has meant so much to this culture. Michael Jackson is and always be KING. His personal life has nothing to do with what a great entertainer he is. Invincible had great work on that album, it just wasn’t promoted the way it should have been. This album took me back to the great songs he had in the 70”s and 80’s that really showed his incredible vocal range as a singer. Maybe those that hated it never really listen to great vocals and lyrics anyway. Michael this is my plea to you to please come back and give me the reason to want to dance and smile again.

  • nick

    Dear everyone:
    I heard a lot of things against Michael Jackson. Hey, people in US of A, MJ fans are in great numbers worldwide and still growing. We are very greatful because there are still people who would like to help MJ bring back to recording studio to produce an album. Even if it’s he would only make a single record, fans will still welcome with great appreciation because MJ’s work is kind of a masterpiece. We love MJ and his music work of arts because he inspires us to work, to lead a good life, and to love others (as well as animals). Many music artists became successful because of him. We can see influences in his own sister Janet, and other big name artists like Missy E, Usher, N’Sync, and thousands of local artists of countries outside USA. He will always be our music Icon no matter what people says.
    Due to high cost of living we are going through nowadays, MJ fans would make a way to listen his music over radios, watch him dance on mtv or download his crafts in the internet free of charge… instead of buying them in music stores at $8 – 10 (its expensive for most of us). His music and humanitarian efforts would be written in the history of mankind.

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