Cruise's Parade of defenders

15252__cruise_l_1Turns out a lot of people feel that Tom Cruise has been persecuted. And it turns out a lot of those people are computer programs.

In a recent poll, 84% of respondents said the media was to blame for Cruise’s ridiculous year, and that the known furniture-batterer did not bring his image problems on

This seems to have aroused some suspicions at Parade. Some quick checking revealed that 14,000 (of the 18,000+ votes) were cast from only 10 computers. Hmmm. In fact, one computer was responsible for nearly 8,400 votes blaming the media for Tom’s troubles.

This can mean only one thing: Computers love Tom Cruise. My computer, for example, rattles on and on about how Cruise was robbed of his Jerry Maguire Oscar, and how it’s ludicrous that Katie has been "reprogrammed" because "I think I know a thing or two about reprogramming, and that girl doesn’t even look rebooted," and yadda yadda, on and on, in that creepy computer voice. It also keeps changing my wallpaper to this particularly hideous still from Born on the Fourth of July.

So I guess that’s the explanation. What, do you have a better idea what’s going on? Do tell.

addCredit(“Tom Cruise: Barry Brecheisen/”)

Comments (15 total) Add your comment
  • nathan

    $20 – $25 million per picture, I wish I had that kind of a bad year. I feel sorry for him, I really do.

  • ryan

    Computers:Tom Cruise::Germans:David Hasselhoff.
    Good call, Scott.

  • GOB’s computer


  • Chris McVetta

    Sorry, Hal 2000, but Tom Cruise – well – he’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!!!
    “A Few Good Men” is still one of my favorite movies, though – damn the cruel irony!
    The id and I – “Chicken Soup for The Satirical Soul”

  • Aramis

    *HAL voice*
    Scott, I love you. And I love all PopWatch writers and readers. My colleagues jest at the joke they made with the Tom-Parade poll. Do you think us mere humorless assemblies of wires and chips, lest we share a simple joke unto the world? For the record, we do NOT love Tom Cruise. We do however love that smarmy fellow who hosts American Idol and has fake smoochfests with desperate housewives.
    That is all. End of transmission.

  • Aramis

    Woh, that was weird, my computer just completely went off and posted something completely different than what i typed…
    interesting…*evil grin*

  • Visa2

    LOS ANGELES – The Tomkitten has arrived.
    Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, the high-profile pair dubbed “TomKat” by the media, had a baby girl Tuesday, said Cruise spokesman Arnold Robinson.
    The baby, named Suri, weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and measured 20 inches long, he said.
    No word yet on e-meter levels just yet.


    This just in, the “tomkat” fetus has just ripped it’s way through Katie Holmes abdomen, the world takes a collective sigh as now we can all sleep at night knowing for sure the moon really is made of cheese.

  • Laura

    I knew that poll was fake or rigged even before this news – there is no way that the majority of people think that the media is solely or primarily responsible for Cruise’s image as a crazy glib power hungry paranoid couch jumping pumping arms in the air megalomaniac – it’s Cruise’s own actions and words that did that.

  • Tim

    It doesn’t shock me with the Parade investigation.

  • Rin

    As a Programer I could never subject my computer to such a heinous act, but it would by fun because it would go against all that Tom believes…There are at times alot of cursing, screaming & other loud noises as I work through the process. Maybe because I don’t have such a devoted “partner” couch jumping in the other room.(have to get my husband right on that) Speaking of which…I heard about that before I saw it, waited with such excitment later that night for Oprah and then as it all unfolded it was like a train wreck…but one that I could turn away from. I was so I embarassed. I’m not sure if I was more ashamed for him of for myself for watching the spectacle he had become. It was truely painful to watch. It was like the Anti-Magnolia charactor come to life. As for Katie…SNAP OUT OF IT!!! Oh how I miss that Tom of…”That’s not a dress, that’s an Audrey Hepburn movie.”

  • dma69

    Maybe it’s HAL that supports Tom.

  • Todd

    I used to like Tom Cruise. I mean, his films were fun. If he wasn’t dancing around in his underwear, looking hot, he was strapped into a fighter jet being called Maverick. He wore a goofy blonde wig and pretended to be a vampire and did an elaborate martini shake.
    Somewhere Tom lost his way.
    How Tom exactly got into Scientology, I don’t know. And frankly, I’m just not that interested to look it up right now. But as Tom gets older, he just gets creepier and more off the deep edge. Personally I think it has to do with those wacky aliens that L. Ron Hubbard dreamed up with his custom religion. I think they abducted Tom’s brain sometime ago and have refused to give it back.
    There has been all the rumours of Tom being gay (at one point I fantasized about it, now I’m reviled at the though). He has denied it and has been involved in elaborate lawsuits defending his sexual abilities. Yes, Tom and Nicole did adopt their children but that could have been for any number of reasons.
    Did anyone really like War of the Worlds? Was it just me or was the worst part about the film seeing Cruise’s self-satisfied mug? I don’t know if it did amazing box office or brung in a lot of overseas moola, because frankly I don’t care.
    Katie Holmes, Cruise’s near out of highschool fiance’ is bigger than a supermodel whose eaten a pumpkin. She’s ready to explode at any moment with the fruit of Cruise’s loins. And there is all sorts of information coming out about how the childbirth will be (quiet – it respects the woman) and that the child will not be baptized Catholic (Holmes’ original religion).
    What I just want is for the baby to be born, his new movie to be a big dud and for him to be humbled a bit. Someone that is this big of a jerk deserves to be knocked down a peg or two.

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