Tom Cruise's three-day detox plan

15474__cruise_lAttention, heroin addicts! Tom Cruise can get you clean in three days, according to comments he made in this month’s GQ.

This is a pretty significant advance on current detox programs, which can be painful, laborious, and unsuccessful. Faced with such an amazing revelation in medical science, we decided to publish Cruise’s findings (as totally made up by us):


DAY 1: The drug Cocktail

Look at you. You’re addicted to smack. Now look at Tom Cruise. He’s handsome and addicted to nothing but awesomeness. And he’s here, in your house, jumping on your couch, talking about clean living and B vitamins. He puts on Cocktail, turns up the volume. Suddenly, it’s like there are TWO Tom Cruises in your house. One of them’s making tropical drinks to the strains of "Kokomo." The other one is hooking you up to some kind of extraterrestrial mood machine. Both of them are smiling. Hard.

Then Real Tom, the one with the mood machine, asks what you’d like to do tonight. You say heroin. Tom shakes his head, but he’s still smiling. He still loves you.  This is probably the best day of your life, even though you can’t understand how Tom Cruise got in your house without a key.

As you lose consciousness, you realize: Cocktail is an amazing movie.


DAY 2: Legend is the strongest medicine

Tom Cruise has a very serious look on his face. This is the day, he explains, where we watch Legend. "It’s going to be hard, but we’re going to get through it… together." Just hearing him say this makes you want heroin. You’ve never watched Legend without heroin before. It all goes pretty well until the unicorn shows up. Then you start to freak out. Man, Tim Curry is terrifying in all that devil makeup!

Tom takes your hand and tells you a story about the making of this movie. He reveals that none of it is made up. It is, in fact, a documentary. For some reason, this calms you. You want heroin a little less. You want a Legend sequel a little more. You’re not sure how to feel about this. But Tom is smiling. He loves you. He assures you that, whatever you may have seen or heard, Tim Curry is really dead and can’t hurt anyone anymore.


DAY 3: Emotherapy

Tom Cruise is cuing up his big scene from Magnolia. He’s not going to make you watch the whole thing because he’s awesome that way. Also, your therapy is almost over. You love Tom Cruise. You love clean living. You hate heroin and realize that it’s for jerks. You really, really love Vanilla Sky, which is clearly underrated and misunderstood.

Tom Cruise gathers his modest belongings and prepares to go. You’re 99 percent sure you’re off heroin, but you don’t want him to leave. You still haven’t watched Born on the Fourth of July. You want to hear the story of his battle with dyslexia, which happened on the side of a volcano and ended with dyslexia trying to spin-kick Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise using dyslexia’s momentum against it and sending it flying into the flaming caldera.

But no. Tom Cruise is leaving. He tells you one final story: "Look back," he says, "at the footprints in the sand. Where there are two sets of footprints, that is where I walked with you. Where there is one set… that is where I carried you." You ask why there’s so much sand in your apartment, but Tom Cruise just smiles and says he’ll pay for it. He’s awesome that way.

addCredit(“Tom Cruise: Rolf Klatt/WireImage.com”)

Comments (37 total) Add your comment
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  • Dave M

    That was hi-larious, Scott. Thank you for improving my otherwise bleak Wednesday.

  • Aramis

    And for his first test subjects…
    WHITNEY HOUSTON
    “I tried Tom’s Three Day plan, and before you know it…I was yellin’ ‘AW HELL to tha NO!’ to all my dealers when they rang my door bell for their usual trade off. Now I’m clean and sober, and look at my husband and think ‘I MUST HAVE BEEN ON CRACK TO MARRY YO DUMB ASS!’ Now my career’s back on track and I have Tom to thank! Thanks Tom!” -Whit’s testimonial
    KATE MOSS
    “Before I spoke with Tom, I was addicted to coke. It was no secret and no joke…heeheehee, I just made a rhyme, those words totally sounded alike, how funny is that? People worried but I kept doing it. But when Tom spoke with me, he asked me why, and I told him the truth…because modeling is like, you know, hard and stuff. Standing still while other people apply makeup and force feed me, and the stick a tongue depresser down my throat to like, puke out or whatever, really got to me after awhile. It’s so hard being skinny. But thanks to Tom I’ve seen his like, wisdom, and he’s made me see that coke was the easy way out. If I want to be skinny I have to work hard…I have to grab that depresser and stick it down my throat MYSELF. Thanks Tom!” – Kate’s Testimonial
    KATIE HOLMES
    “HELP ME!”* “I love what Tom does to help people.”

  • Aramis

    Correction….
    KATIE HOLMES
    “Uhm…” (opens shirt to reveal in lipstick “Help Me!), “I love what Tom does to help people.”

  • C

    That was great, Scott. You truly captured Tom’s three day detox program in all of its glory, you’re awesome in that way.

  • blah

    That was 8 paragraphs of awesomeness. Thank you Popwatch.

  • anna

    Obviously, Scott didn’t check to see what’s going on in the detox center. I am a firefighter, It help me a lot. I thanked Tom everyday for helping me through the difficult journey.
    Go to hell, you’re never done anything for anyone, how dare you poke fun at such a serious program?
    Shame on you Scott Brown

  • EP Sato

    Is there a 12 step program if I want to stop being a scientologist?

  • johnathan

    Anna-
    Are you serious? Or was that a joke? I don’t get it.
    Scott Brown-
    Hilarious. But hey, Magnolia is a great movie, and certainly not a “Tom Cruise” movie.

  • LM

    Scott, that was really, really hilarious!! Thanks for that! :)

  • brandonk

    Scott’s on a roll today. Good times, good times.

  • Nicole

    Scott, I am now addicted to the awesomeness that is you. That was freaking hilarious. It was like a scary bedtime story, only funny. I will avoid a heroin addiction like the plague if it will keep me from ever having to sit through Legend. *shudder*

  • jarrod

    Seriously somebody save that guy from the Scientology cult

  • jarrod

    Seriously somebody save that guy from the Scientology cult

  • jarrod

    Seriously somebody save that guy from the Scientology cult

  • pn

    This guy is one letter short of being a deranged postal worker.

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