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Tag: Tom Cruise (71-80 of 89)

Is Tom Cruise a chick magnet?

10430__tom_lEverybody’s asking whether Tom Cruise can still draw audiences, especially women. (By ”everybody,” I mean the Wall Street Journal, Reuters, and EW, whose Jill Bernstein appeared on this morning’s Today show to tout the upcoming issue’s cover story on whether Cruise is still worthy of his mega-paycheck.) Even Paramount appears concerned, having come up with ads for Mission: Impossible III that play up the romance angle.

Show of hands: How many of you are going to avoid M:I3 because you’ve been turned off by Cruise’s offscreen antics? How many will see it, but only because of J.J. Abrams or Philip Seymour Hoffman? How many because of Keri Russell? (Put your hand down, Slezak.)

addCredit(“Tom Cruise: Tony Barson/WireImage.com”)

Yes, Suri, that's my baby

Thanks to linguists Tom and Katie, we all now know that ”Suri” supposedly means ”princess” in Hebrew and ”red rose” in Persian. (Alas, my Hebrew-to-English and Farsi-to-English dictionaries are in the shop, so I haven’t confirmed those translations.) Now, thanks to the U.K.’s Times Online, we also know that it means ”pickpocket” in Japanese. And of course, in every language, it means ”publicity blitz.” Anyway, I applaud the new parents for their cleverness in picking a name so versatile that, no matter where the little girl travels, she’ll be snickered at behind her back.

Little Suri vs. Little Ricky

101348__lucy_lAnd now, EW presents: A Look Back at Overhyped Babies

Some have already made the inevitable comparison to the 1953 arrival of Desiderio Alberto Arnaz IV (pictured), better known to the world of pop culture as "Little Ricky." (Little Desi never actually played Little Ricky on the show, but he did snag the cover of the very first TV Guide.) That birth also featured an unseemly media stakeout and a father who said dumb things to the press. ("Lucy gave me one girl [Lucie Arnaz], she might give me another," Desi Arnaz said, explaining why he wanted the producers to make the TV baby a boy, no matter what the sex of the real one. "This is my only chance to get a son. You give me a boy on TV.")

But TomKat lack a sitcom via which we can vicariously experience their (muted) joy. They ARE a sitcom, or a sitragicom, or a wholesome rom-com, depending entirely on your opinion of the extreme silliness that’s played out over the last few months. (And you MUST have an opinion, readers. This is only the most important news story since L’Affaire Aniston.)

And speaking of opinions: Let’s hear you sound off on the most satisfying celebrity births, as well as the most disappointing. Personally? I think the classic birth of Alexa Ray Joel to Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel tops my list. The sadly underexposed birth of Jodie Foster’s son Charles still proved to be a sleeper hit — that kid sure had legs. Kal-El Cage opened strong, but faded fast, despite the headline-making stupid name.

Let’s hear it: Which babies were blockbusters, and which should’ve never been made?

addCredit(“I Love Lucy: Kobal Collection”)

Baby TomKat and Baby Shields: What are the odds?

9526__bs_lWho’d have predicted same-day births for the daughters of Tom Cruise and his summer 2005 antagonist Brooke Shields (pictured)? That’s the kind of coincidence that makes Vegas oddsmakers guzzle Mylanta like it was Poland Spring water. But the bookmakers we know have responded quickly to Tuesday’s special deliveries and revealed the betting stats for several potential milestones in the lives of little Suri (Cruise and Katie Holmes’ newborn) and little Grier (Shields and Chris Henchy’s baby). It’s never too early to get in on the action.

Odds that Grier will inspire Shields to write a book, like the birth of older sibling Rowan did: 5 to 1
Odds that Suri’s mom had an epidural: 200 to 1
Odds that Grier’s mom will embark on a regimen of psychotherapy and prescriptions to combat postpartum depression: 5 to 2
Odds that Suri’s mom will do the same: 500,000 to 1
Odds that Grier will star in Mom’s next TV movie of the week: 12 to 1
Odds that Suri will appear in Mission: Impossible IV: 10 to 1
Odds that both Grier and Suri will be teased on the playground over their names: 1 to 2
Odds that Grier will be mortified when she comes across old ads of her mom letting nothing come between herself and her Calvins: 3 to 2
Odds that Suri will be mortified when she comes across footage of her dad dancing to Bob Seger in his tighty-whities in Risky Business: 2 to 1
Odds that Grier and Suri will have a playdate or a slumber party five years from now: 2,000 to 1
Odds that Grier and Suri would be born on the same day: 1,000,000,000,000 to 1
Odds of same, adjusted for karma: Even

addCredit(“Brooke Shields: Tammie Arroyo/AP”)

A silent-birth announcement

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Tom Cruise's Manhattan mission

Maybe Tom Cruise jumps on couches simply because he can’t sit still. In an apparent effort to prove he does all his own vehicular stunts in the Mission: Impossible movies, America’s favorite still-boyish bundle of energy has planned a publicity stunt that will have him criss-crossing Manhattan for six hours in pretty much every available mode of public transport New York has to offer except a horse-drawn carriage. According to a press release from the Tribeca Film Festival, which is hosting the May 3 U.S. premiere of Mission: Impossible III, Cruise will spend the day traveling between screenings in Lower Manhattan, Harlem, and Midtown via motorcycle, speedboat, taxicab, helicopter, sports car, and subway.

Guess Cruise was too modest to mention that, while navigating the speedboat, he’ll also be teaching a child to read; while flying the helicopter, he’ll be helping a junkie kick heroin; and while driving the motorcycle, he’ll be assisting in the silent delivery of his child by Katie Holmes. Mom, Pop, and Baby TomKat will then stroll the red carpet at the Ziegfeld Theater (the baby will have learned to walk by the time it arrives at the premiere). Then they’ll all fly to a remote spot on the Afghanistan/Pakistan border, where they’ll capture Osama bin Laden. And on the flight home, they’ll work out the principles of cold fusion. So it’ll be kind of a busy day.

Tom Cruise's three-day detox plan

15474__cruise_lAttention, heroin addicts! Tom Cruise can get you clean in three days, according to comments he made in this month’s GQ.

This is a pretty significant advance on current detox programs, which can be painful, laborious, and unsuccessful. Faced with such an amazing revelation in medical science, we decided to publish Cruise’s findings (as totally made up by us):


DAY 1: The drug Cocktail

Look at you. You’re addicted to smack. Now look at Tom Cruise. He’s handsome and addicted to nothing but awesomeness. And he’s here, in your house, jumping on your couch, talking about clean living and B vitamins. He puts on Cocktail, turns up the volume. Suddenly, it’s like there are TWO Tom Cruises in your house. One of them’s making tropical drinks to the strains of "Kokomo." The other one is hooking you up to some kind of extraterrestrial mood machine. Both of them are smiling. Hard.

Then Real Tom, the one with the mood machine, asks what you’d like to do tonight. You say heroin. Tom shakes his head, but he’s still smiling. He still loves you.  This is probably the best day of your life, even though you can’t understand how Tom Cruise got in your house without a key.

As you lose consciousness, you realize: Cocktail is an amazing movie.


DAY 2: Legend is the strongest medicine

Tom Cruise has a very serious look on his face. This is the day, he explains, where we watch Legend. "It’s going to be hard, but we’re going to get through it… together." Just hearing him say this makes you want heroin. You’ve never watched Legend without heroin before. It all goes pretty well until the unicorn shows up. Then you start to freak out. Man, Tim Curry is terrifying in all that devil makeup!

Tom takes your hand and tells you a story about the making of this movie. He reveals that none of it is made up. It is, in fact, a documentary. For some reason, this calms you. You want heroin a little less. You want a Legend sequel a little more. You’re not sure how to feel about this. But Tom is smiling. He loves you. He assures you that, whatever you may have seen or heard, Tim Curry is really dead and can’t hurt anyone anymore.


DAY 3: Emotherapy

Tom Cruise is cuing up his big scene from Magnolia. He’s not going to make you watch the whole thing because he’s awesome that way. Also, your therapy is almost over. You love Tom Cruise. You love clean living. You hate heroin and realize that it’s for jerks. You really, really love Vanilla Sky, which is clearly underrated and misunderstood.

Tom Cruise gathers his modest belongings and prepares to go. You’re 99 percent sure you’re off heroin, but you don’t want him to leave. You still haven’t watched Born on the Fourth of July. You want to hear the story of his battle with dyslexia, which happened on the side of a volcano and ended with dyslexia trying to spin-kick Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise using dyslexia’s momentum against it and sending it flying into the flaming caldera.

But no. Tom Cruise is leaving. He tells you one final story: "Look back," he says, "at the footprints in the sand. Where there are two sets of footprints, that is where I walked with you. Where there is one set… that is where I carried you." You ask why there’s so much sand in your apartment, but Tom Cruise just smiles and says he’ll pay for it. He’s awesome that way.

addCredit(“Tom Cruise: Rolf Klatt/WireImage.com”)

Overheard at PopWatch HQ: The impending TomKat birth

1682__tomkat_lPW1: you seen all the crap this week about whether or not katie holmes is really pregnant?

PW2: yeah, or if she’s just sporting a massive beach ball under her shirt or something?

PW1:  is it wrong that I laughed at defamer’s take on things?

PW2: you’re a bad person.

PW1: i wonder how tomkat’s pr people will handle this?

PW2: delivery room access for access hollywood!

PW1: not likely, at least based on those reports about "silent births" — that nancy o’dell is a real chatterbox

PW2: LOL

Tom Cruise's adventures in self-parody

Here’s Tom Cruise on the subject of self-parody:

Traditionally, self-parody has required self-awareness. But recent advances in celebrity brain-scrambling technology have rendered self-awareness obsolete. Here’s how it works, in five easy steps:

1. You are Tom Cruise, in dire need of a public appearance with your kinderbetrothed after recent, hotly denied reports of a break-up.

2. Terry Semel, former head of Warner Bros. Studios, now of Yahoo, gives you just such an opportunity, inviting you to take part in the company’s annual Influential Speakers event. You are, after all, an influential speaker, because your speech routinely causes the whole world to laugh at you.

3. On the advice of your legal counsel, publicist, acupuncturist, astrotherapist, OPEC, and the frozen head of L. Ron Hubbard, you decide to go the self-parody route. Your plan: Reenact a notorious incident of furniture abuse from last summer’s War of the Worlds press push. "Look at me! Wasn’t I silly back then? That was a silly time! A silly, silly time! But rest assured, I know it was silly! BECAUSE HERE I AM DOING IT AGAIN!"

4. Lead out your pregnant squeeze, State Fair-style, to show the cameras what you gone and done inseminated, all by yourself, with no help.

5. Drinks and high-fives afterwards with Isaac Hayes.

'South Park"s Chef-Gate: A helpful timeline

154847__park_lConfused by the messy melee this week involving South Park, Isaac Hayes, Scientology, and Tom Cruise?

There are many burning questions: Did Comedy Central yank this week’s scheduled rerun of the Cruise- and Scientology-spoofing ”Trapped in the Closet” episode in deference to Hayes or under pressure from fellow Scientologist Cruise? Did Cruise threaten not to publicize Paramount’s summer tentpole movie Mission: Impossible 3 if Comedy Central (like Paramount, a division of Viacom) aired the episode again?

We don’t know, but maybe this timeline will help you untangle the events and decide for yourself:

Nov. 16, 2005 The ”Trapped in the Closet” episode airs for the first time. In anticipation of the episode, Radar Online asks whether the episode poses any problems for Viacom or Cruise. Reps for Paramount and Cruise decline to comment, but Comedy Central spokesman Tony Fox says Trey Parker and Matt Stone ”are free and have been free to satirize anybody and anything they want to. They’ve made fun of MTV, they’ve made fun of Viacom, they’ve made fun of Comedy Central, and we’ve never interfered with them.”

Jan. 4, 2006 The Onion’s A.V. Club publishes an interview with Hayes, in which he disputes Parker and Stone’s take on Scientology, but defends their right to lampoon any target. ”I understand what they’re doing,” he says, laughing.

Jan. 20 ”Trapped” is yanked from England’s Paramount channel; U.K. tabloid The Sun claims the decision was made out of fear of litigation from Cruise.

Early 2006 Comedy Central schedules South Park‘s Season 10 premiere for March 22.

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