There are some movies so awesomely bad that their unintentional badness turns into audience happiness. See Sharknado, or most Lifetime Originals. And then there are movies so awesomely sad, that their sadness makes the audience sad by association. See The Canyons.
Hyped as Lindsay Lohan’s comeback and director Paul Schrader’s career savior, with a script penned by Bret Easton Ellis, The Canyons’ fuzzy plotline stars James Deen and La Lohan as an L.A. couple tanning and looking pretty by day and satisfying some kinky sexual appetites by night. Deen plays Christian, a controlling, trust-fund-fueled man-boy forced to keep the family film business running. Lohan plays Tara, a struggling actress-turned-kept woman with a perpetual anxiety problem. Several filmed sexcapades later (including a rave-lit foursome in Christian’s bed), Christian and Tara play a cat-and-mouse game of sexual domination when Christian finds out Tara’s been sleeping with the lead actor (Ryan, played by Glee‘s Nolan Gerard Funk) in his horror flick.
In the spirit of Lohan’s ever-changing tresses, I’ve compiled a docket of The Canyons‘ highlights and lowlights. Because we’re still suffering from a serotonin low post-viewing, let’s start with the film’s uppers:
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