Are you there, Kristen? It’s Me, God. Please forgive Me for the tardiness of My reply. While I received all of the prayers you sent and read the numerous supplications in your Bachelorette recaps asking Me to please, please, pretty please make Juan Pablo the next Bachelor, it’s been a little busy up here what with flash floods and the whole Egypt situation and now that tainted salad mix business. (Seriously, why does anyone even eat at Olive Garden anymore?) And don’t even get Me started on the Doctor Who fans — I mean, I like Idris Elba as much as the next guy, but I can’t force him down producers’ throats, can I? I gave you people free will for a reason. It’s over. Please stop spamming My Gmail.
Anyhow, as My friend Chris Harrison announced tonight on After the Final Rose, I’ve decided to grant your request: The Bachelor starring Juan Pablo is coming to a TV near you in January 2014. You’re welcome.
Now, I want to clarify a few things here. READ FULL STORY