NBC’s primetime coverage of the Olympics on Sunday was all about the ladies. Jamie Anderson tore up the inaugural Olympic Snowboard Slopestyle competition. Gracie Gold took to the ice and gave a commanding performance…although not as commanding as Julia Lipnitskaia, the Russian skating superstar. Presumably both young ladies feel nothing but deep respect for each other as opponents, but let’s just assume for that they are the estrogenized figure-skating reincarnation of Rocky Balboa and Ivan Drago, and this is all building up to an epic showdown in the individual competition. (Miley Cyrus will fill the James Brown role with a performance of “Party in the USA.”)
2014’s official will-they-or-won’t-they couple Meryl Davis and Charlie White performed a lovely ice dance, although now there are allegations about score-fixing, because we all know that ice-dancing is just a front for the mafia. (Which mafia? Oh, I dunno, maybe all of them.) Oh, and NBC sent Mary Carrillo to Siberia, presumably hoping she would just get the hint already. Mary discovered a whole network of ice caverns, containing a veritable ice king. What did this have to do with sports? Nothing. Everything.
Most Endearing Disappointed Reaction
Teenaged snowboarder Ty Walker couldn’t make the cut for slopestyle. Here’s how much that bothers her:
“Whaddaya gonna do?” she seems to be saying. “I’m 16, and I’m an Olympian snowboarder. I’m already cooler than like almost everyone who’s ever lived. I guess I’ll come back in four years and win then? Just think: In four years, you’ll feel really old, and I’ll be 20!”