Remember when an "event" didn’t need ironic air quotes around it? Nope, me neither. I’ve lived my entire adult life inside the hype machine. For me, every new divorce or moderately funny YouTube video merits a news blast. I can hardly separate events from "events" any more. For example, I understand something rather important happened yesterday. Somebody got kicked to the curb after a long and fruitless occupation… it was either this guy, or this guy, or both. Dunno. I can’t make those sorts of distinctions anymore.

That said… y’all, I am super-psyched about the debut of tonight’s full, two-and-a-half-minute Spider-Man 3 trailer! It’s gonna be "roadblocked" across all the Viacom networks (CBS, MTV, Comedy Central, Showtime, The Sumner Redstone’s Fishtank Channel, etc.) at about 10pm. Yes, "roadblocked." Don’t you like it when a theoretically fun leisure activity is characterized as something aggressive and compulsory? Like the upcoming Christmas Blockade and Thanksgiving Checkpoint.

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With Spiderfans still panting from last weekend’s arachno-rockin’ Spider-Man 3 teaser, another morsel surfaces, this one decidedly SPOILER-LIKE. (Don’t click the word "morsel" unless you’re prepared to have a plot point revealed.) The accompanying commentary muses that this seemingly mythology-shaking story point may in fact be a dream sequence.

What’s not a dream sequence? Apparently, the participation of one Jean-Claude Van Damme (pictured) in the shadowy Manhattan Project known as Rush Hour III. Rumor has it, he’ll play the villain. Which means he’ll fight Jackie Chan — hopefully in the guise of a high-kicking Hasid, a la The Order (a movie that, sadly, forever fused klezmer and Van Damme in my mind.)

Van Damme vs. Chan — damn! Neither’s in his prime, and Van Damme may not even be in his original body. But he’d make a fine Rush Hour villain, methinks, especially one named "Bruno Cavalier," which may be the most glorious movie name since Karl Hungus.

Goldurnit, Ratner! You got me again. I’m kind of looking forward to this now. Not quite as much as I’m looking forward to this, but close.

These superheroes, man. Why they gotta throw it in your face?

Spider-Man has come out… as Peter Parker. It’s in the latest edition of Marvel’s "Civil War" story arc. In the Marvel-verse, there’s apparently a debate raging over secret identities, with some heroes feeling they should stand and be counted (and registered) from purposes of transparency and safety. Others (including ultrapatriot Captain America) disagree.

Forgive me, but I’ve got to question the timing of this announcement. Just as Superman’s buzz builds (along with his own set of coming-out rumors), Spidey jumps into the limelight with his own unmasking. I’m not making any accusations. I’m just saying: Maybe a certain arachnoid emo-boy is aligning his politics with his publicity machine.

Again, I’m not slinging mud. But superheroes know how the game works. Don’t be surprised when the Blue Beetle files a frivolous lawsuit against Volkswagen on June 27.

In our continuing quest to bring you every scrap of Spider-crap we can scrounge up, we give you these images from the shoot — which is, at the moment, still in New York. The caption for that first one might read, "Does this Spider-suit make my ass look fat?" The answer, oddly, is yes. But "Spider-ass" is simply another arachnoid attribute he’s inherited. And he got off easy. Look at the junk in the trunk on this dude. And you wouldn’t want to find one of these in your sleeping bag.

But we can do better than static fan pics, people. There’s video too! Actual moving pictures! In this incredibly revealing clip, it’s revealed that, um, that people really seem to like Spider-Man. And that’s a bit of a revelation, I suppose: After feeling put-upon and unloved for most of Spider-Man 2, Peter Parker’s finally getting the bouquets he wanted. And here comes Venom to screw all that up. Venom! You stinker! You want to kick my man’s ass? Be warned, bucko: There’s a lot to kick.

You’d think three villains — Venom (Topher Grace), Sandman (Thomas Haden Church), and the new Green Goblin (James Franco) — would be enough to slake the geekthirst of any Spider-fan. But according to this scoop from Marvel Studios CEO Avi Arad, there is another.

Yes, a fourth villain will be announced sometime around Comic-Con. Might it be Lizard, the horribly mutated alter ego of Peter Parker’s scientific mentor, Dr. Connors (played by the probably-too-good-for-this-and-that’s-as-it-should-be actor Dylan Baker in Spider-Man 2)? Are we looking at a Kingpin scenario here? Or maybe it’s one of these scrubs. Let the wild speculation begin!

And with it, a question: How many villains is too many? Has the continuing success of the X-Men franchise convinced Marvel and Hollywood that there can never be too many baddies (or goodies, for that matter)? Is there no such thing as "creep creep"?