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Tag: Sarcasm (1-10 of 40)

'The X Factor' poetry roundup: 12 most powerful lines from departing judge Nicole Scherzinger

Hot on the heels of a real tragedy, sources close to The X Factor say that judge Nicole Scherzinger will join host Steve Jones in their expulsion from the harsh, red galaxy. Nicole will not return for season 2, having received Simon Cowell’s blessing to go forth — far, far, away… no, no, a little farther… please, love, if you could just keep walking — and work on her music.

Since turning my “I love Steve Jones” post inside out and doing “10 Things I Won’t Miss About Nicole Scherzinger” seemed a bit cruel, here’s a benign roundup of some of Nicole’s most poignant and thought-provoking utterances in season 1. Print these out and let her wisdom guide you through life. You’re an inspiration for her.

Merely 12 of Nicole Scherzinger’s Most Powerful Lines of Poetry from ‘The X Factor’

“We’re nothing without the talent.” (during a confessional from her hotel suite in Seattle)

“If I were a teenager again, you’d be all over my walls.” (to the Brewer Boys) (ew?)

“If I were a season, I’d want to look just like you.” (to Lakoda Rayne) READ FULL STORY

We all know 'Beauty and the Beast 3D' got robbed

Plenty of Oscar snubs yesterday, but perhaps most egregious is the Academy’s woefully unenlightened cold shoulder toward Best Supporting Actor Lumière. Don’t they realize that the farther they walk away from his eternal flame, the less they will be able to see? What’s it like, Oscar voters, to live inside a great big gilded castle of DARKNESS? READ FULL STORY

Is 'The Muppets' a communist Trojan horse?

While I was driving home yesterday after seeing The Muppets, joyfully singing along to “The Rainbow Connection” with my two young children, I noticed my eldest had gone silent right around the verse that goes, “Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?” I peeked at him in the rear-view mirror and saw he was staring out the window with a furrowed brow. “What is it, buddy?” I asked.

“Why were the Muppets so mean to that job creator, Tex Richman?” my boy said. “He never did anything to them, except provide the gas that allowed them to drive to Paris underwater and find Miss Piggy.”

Ah, from the mouths of babes… READ FULL STORY

Harold Camping schedules Rapture for today. Ten reasons it might still happen.

Remember back in May when Harold Camping predicted the world would end… but it didn’t and God cruelly made us stick around long enough to see this? Well, Camping admitted he was wrong and rescheduled the Rapture for today, Oct. 21. I’ve been stuck in my windowless office all day, so I can’t tell whether or not lava is flowing, lightning is striking, and monkeys with wings are flying in the skies. (Isn’t that what happens during the Rapture? No? That’s just Wizard of Oz?) But, still, I believe. Mostly because I want to hang out with a cute terrier. (That’s still Wizard of Oz? God, I should have gone to church more often.) But here, I give you, 10 reasons I think the Rapture might actually happen today. Hold tight: READ FULL STORY

'Lord Monckton': Sacha Baron Cohen's latest character?

Especially in this day and age, there are political celebrities who routinely say such outlandish things that you’re uncertain whether to take them seriously. So you can’t really blame Australian TV host Craig Reucassel for implying that Lord Christopher Monckton must be the next brilliant creation of Sacha Baron Cohen. For those of you unfamiliar with Monckton’s CV, he’s an outspoken climate-change skeptic who once worked for prime minister Margaret Thatcher and he has a history of controversial and polarizing statements. Like the time he said the Hitler Youth was a liberal Green organization. Or the time he suggested that all AIDS victims should be quarantined.

Watch as Reucassel marvels at Cohen’s artistic integrity during an interview with “Monckton” for his show, The Hamster Wheel. Cohen doesn’t break character in the slightest, and even pretends to be angered by Reucassel’s line of questioning and orders him to leave. What commitment! READ FULL STORY

'Transformers 3' is the fourth-highest-grossing film ever

I’m a little bit inspired by the news that Transformers: Dark of the Moon has officially passed The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King on the list of highest-grossing films worldwide. After all, the Transformers threequel was created by a classic ragtag gang of outcasts and misfits. The film starred a self-loathing womanizer, a never-nude mannequin brought to life by science, and a bunch of robots whose character design was so fundamentally inexpressive that watching two Transformers talk to each other was about as much fun as watching two muddy snowmen in a marathon slam-poetry duel. The film’s supporting cast was populated by a group of excellent charactor actors who had to struggle through horrible dialogue and a complete lack of believable character motivation. The whole thing was helmed by Michael Bay, whose directorial style seems to indicate that he carries an existential hatred for the physical world we inhabit. To top it all off, Dark of the Moon was a threequel. Most franchises go downhill with their third film… which was proven yet again throughout the running time of Dark of the Moon, most specifically when Ken Jeong attacked Shia LaBeouf in the men’s bathroom in an extended sequence that would have been offensive to gay people and Asian people if it didn’t manage to just be offensive to humanity. READ FULL STORY

Hostage situation in Congress, 'The Onion' reports

Breaking News: Armed members of Congress have taken 12 kids hostage — at least, according to The Onion, the satirical newspaper and website.

The situation began earlier today when The Onion  tweeted, “BREAKING: Capitol building being evacuated. 12 children held hostage by group of armed congressmen. #CongressHostage.” An hour later, another tweet read, “Arlington gun shop confirms Rep. @EricCantor bought 6 semi-automatic handguns, 3 rifles & 600 clips of ammo last month #CongressHostage.”

They then linked to a video of the “hostages” in Congress, with voices being heard to say, “Hey Boehner, this kid’s got a phone,” followed by a gun-shot. As of right now, The Onion is still tweeting updates about the ongoing hostage situation.

The story is fake, but the response in the past hour has been very real. READ FULL STORY

'2 Broke Girls': It had a decent pilot. Is it becoming a good series?

Last week, Michael Patrick King and Whitney Cummings’ sitcom 2 Broke Girls got off to a bumpy but promising start: The chemistry between Max (Kat Dennings) and Caroline (Beth Behrs) was strong, but many of the jokes pertaining to city life missed the mark. The premiere fit nicely into the good-for-a-pilot category, but the important second episode, which doesn’t have the excuse of being the first, had to be better. Was it? READ FULL STORY

Kathy Griffin channels Jim Carrey, tells Justin Bieber he's 'all the way beautiful' with his 'lesbian bangs'

Taking a page from creepy cute no, definitely creepy Jim Carrey, who professed his love for the much-younger Emma Stone in a video earlier this week, Kathy Griffin has decided to make public her illegal affection for 17-year-old Canadian treasure Justin Bieber. “Justin Bieber,” said the comedienne, “I want you to know that you are all the way beautiful. Even with those, like, lesbian bangs.”

Unfortunately, since Griffin is 29, 39, 49, 50 and has lines “under my ass even,” she cannot marry the teen sensation, in most states, that is. “If I could, I would marry you,” Griffin tells Bieber. “Oh, that’s actually not true. It’s messy, Justin. There’s a distribution of assets. We would just go steady.” (You sure it’s not worth it, Kathy?)

Click the jump to watch the rest of the video, which references a possible camping trip with Bieber and their hypothetical sex life. (“And the sex. Woo! It’s going to be weird!”) Will I be arrested for just writing that? READ FULL STORY

Conan O'Brien and Jesse Eisenberg have a Self-Efface-Off. Watch now...or don't, it's cool, they don't mind.

Aww, Jesse Eisenberg. Does your adorable awkwardness know no bounds?

Apparently not, as he competed with Conan O’Brien to decide, once and for all, which one of them is the most meek celebrity in all the land during the first — and last — ever Self-Efface-Off. My money was on Eisenberg going into the event (see: every interview he’s ever done), and things were looking good for the 30 Minutes or Less star right out of the gate. Before the game even started, Coco asked Eisenberg, “Are you ready to do this?” to which he sheepishly replied, “Probably not.” Watch the entire clip below, as Eisenberg and O’Brien field even tougher questions like “What do you think women like about you most?” and the dreaded “How are you?” and find out who the, er–winner?–was.

Who do you think should have won the Self-Efface-Off on Conan, PopWatchers? Now let’s all go give Jesse Eisenberg a great big hug, shall we?

Read more:
’30 Minutes or Less’ review
Mark Zuckerberg meets ‘Social Network’ star Jesse Eisenberg on ‘SNL’
Conan O’Brien and Jason Sudeikis get foot massages on television: We’re tickled, too!

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