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'#RichKids of Beverly Hills': 45 context-free Dorothy and Morgan quotes that explain this entire show

On Jan. 19, E! premiered its newest guilty pleasure #RichKids of Beverly Hills, which will immediately be either your favorite new TV show or the most obnoxious program you’ve ever seen. I’m personally a fan of horrible people doing fabulous things (or fabulous people doing horrible things, which is pretty much the same thing anyway), so I’m reluctantly on board for this trashy romp through the luxurious world of Beverly Hills twentysomethings.

While the show purports to follow a cast of spoiled brats, the #RichKids at its core are Dorothy and Morgan, two high-living do-nothings who are alarmingly self-aware in their preposterousness. The duo rivals Snooki and JWOWW when it comes to sheer soundbite power, even if some of their more ridiculous quotes are made-for-TV transparent.

You don’t really need to know what’s going on in the series — or Jan. 19′s blood drive-themed episode OR Jan. 20′s mansion hunting episode, for that matter — to understand what these girls are like. Below, read 45 context-free quotes from our introduction to Dorothy and Morgan. If you’re not mortified, the second episode in the two-night premiere airs at 10 p.m. ET (and trust me, it’s just as absurd). READ FULL STORY

'Bachelor' fans: Will you accept this bouquet?

The-Bachelor-Bouquet.jpg

Listen up, rose lovers! As Juan Pablo continues to ask the women if they will accept his rose, we have a similar question for you: Will you accept these 24 red roses and five rhinestones that we guarantee will last for at least seven days?

Okay, so maybe that’s not exactly what you were hoping to hear — and I don’t look like this — but this has to be the next best thing behind Juan Pablo giving you a rose himself, right? Or maybe it’s the third best thing, falling in line right behind Chris Harrison offering you a rose and a chance on the show. (Or just a rose. Chris is hot.) READ FULL STORY

Golden Globes 2014: Screengrab recap

I took way too many photos of my TV screen during the Golden Globes. Some of them made the cut. (Who can say what “some” means, really?) Join me in a visual adventure through Tina and Amy’s gladiating, Martin Scorsese’s unbridled enthusiasm at a vagina joke, Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ gluttony, and more: READ FULL STORY

'The Spoils of Babylon' premiere: Extrapolations

Ooh, now this is a weird show. IFC’s new well-stirred and visually striking vat of star soup has Will Ferrell as Eric Jonrosh, the “Author-Producer-Actor-Writer-Director-Raconteur-Bon Vivant-Legend-Fabulist” behind The Spoils of Babylon, an epic miniseries based on his own epic novel. Kristen Wiig and Tobey Maguire play the kids of Tim Robbins’ oil tycoon. Eventually Maguire’s character Devon marries a mannequin… voiced by Carey Mulligan. Even the most successful fabulists have to cut costs sometimes.

I can already tell that one must really be in the right mood to enjoy this six-episode miniseries — but I was! The format was so unexpected and I love how they created an entire production within the show. (If you’re looking for a TV show that will remind you to revisit Boogie Nights, this is the one.) It’s so exaggeratedly dumb that it can seem brilliant — and if a scene or dialogue seems lame or dragged out beyond comprehension, well, that’s just raggedy old Eric Jonrosh for you. Blame him! These poor actors are just trying to do their jobs.

Read EW’s Spoils of Babylon review here, and check out some of my favorite absurd moments from tonight’s two-part premiere, below:

READ FULL STORY

'Killer Women' premiere: Helfer, Texas Ranger

Tricia Helfer is Molly Parker, Texas Ranger. Bow down, Big Hats, and admire her evening gown.

I definitely had the wrong impression of ABC’s Killer Women, brought to you by Sofia Vergara. Thanks to the series’ aggressive promos, I assumed it might be campy and fun. This is horrible to admit, but I suspect Vergara’s personality and Modern Family character (which seem similar) led me to believe the show might be a caricature of the modern Western drama instead of a solid attempt at it. Ugh, I’m as bad as the rest of ‘em! (Men.) READ FULL STORY

'Cougar Town': Talk about the season 5 premiere!

After a way-too-long hiatus, our favorite cul-de-sac crew is back for a fifth season. And this week’s title card stated what everyone was already thinking: “Season Five? Didn’t see that coming.” But the little show that could is still going strong, and I’ll gladly pound some grape to that!

The premiere episode, “All or Nothin,’” picked up where season 4 left off. The gang returned from their vacation to L.A., and Travis and Laurie reveled in their newfound romantic relationship. Unfortunately, the rest of the group wasn’t too keen on the new pairing. “It’s a complex range of emotions that can’t be expressed by mere words. I invented a sound to capture it: awwwblecch.” Yeah, Ellie, that’s pretty accurate. READ FULL STORY

'The Bachelor' premiere: Dog Lover, Free Spirit, and other ambiguous 'job' titles

What would you want your “occupation” chyron to say if you were on The Bachelor? (Just go with it.)

I’d be fine with “Beach Stroller,” “Cheese Whisperer,” or “TV Recapper,” all of which are true depending on the hour. If we’re going for every-second-of-every-day accuracy, though? “Bum.”

Here are the most creative job titles of The Bachelor: Juan Pabs premiere (read our full recap here):

Dog Lover

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WHO? WHO PAYS YOU TO LOVE DOGS? READ FULL STORY

'The Bachelor' season premiere: 'It feels like you're a meat and they want to eat you right there'

Oh, make no mistake, Juan Pablo — those “ladies” do, in fact, want to eat you right there. (Especially that weirdo who insisted on going barefoot.) Fortunately, though, the Bachelor made it out of the first episode alive — though no doubt with a few bite marks. As for you, rose lovers, did the most-hyped Bachelor premiere… ever live up to your expectations? I’ve been on Team Juan Pablo since the moment he first stepped out of the limo bearing a chocolate bon-bon for Desiree — but I know many of you are on the fence. What say you now? Not sure yet how I feel about this group of “ladies,” though I am a big fan of the one who brought her dog — or, let me rephrase that: I am a big fan of her dog. (What a cute little fluffball!) Stay tuned for my full recap later tonight (UPDATE: Click over for Kristen’s full Bachelor season premiere recap and Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes Bachelor blog), but if you simply can’t wait to talk about “the first el Bachelor Latino,” post your thoughts now!

Bravo's 'Toned Up' premiere: Which beach babe just dug a hole and peed in the sand?

Very few people will be searching for recaps of Toned Up, Bravo’s new late-night dump reality series, which features two super-hot women who’ve become super-rich YouTube stars simply by unrolling their yoga mats and doing basic exercises in unison….on the beach! READ FULL STORY

'The Bachelor': 11 fun facts from the contestants' bios

The new season of The Bachelor begins Juan-uary 5 with a two-night premiere, but the show is already entertaining us with the bachelorettes’ bios.

• Number of women who listed Home Alone 2 among their All-Time Favorite Movies: 2. Alexis (other picks: Elf and Titanic) and Chantel (other picks: John Q and The Notebook).  READ FULL STORY

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