AOL Music has put together a gallery of Madonna’s most controversial moments, along with a reader poll to determine whether said greatest hits were ultimately shocking, boring, or entertaining. As of this moment, readers (52 percent of ‘em, to be specific) rate Madge ticking off Planned Parenthood with the ”keeping my baby” hook on ”Papa Don’t Preach” as the most yawn-inducing, while her Truth or Dare documentary ranks as the most crowd-pleasing. (Good taste, people!)

Still, here’s what I want to know: How come the article makes no mention of the latest (and most baffling) Madonna-related hullabaloo — girlfriend’s inability to score any kind of serious airplay for ”Get Together,” the spacey-fabulous third single off Confessions on a Dancefloor? In my opinion, what Madonna really needs to reivigorate her airplay fortunes is a big-budget video that returns her to the storytelling vibe she favored on ”Take a Bow,” ”Bad Girl,” and ”Music.”

How ’bout this for a concept? Madonna as a frustrated Nebraska housewife who begins a passionate extramarital affair with the foxy extraterrestrial (Josh Holloway) she meets during a kinky alien-abduction experience. Am I on to something here, or have you got a better idea? Holla back!

Jockeying for a top slot on the Fox News Outrage Hour, Madonna crucified herself in L.A. yesterday. It probably wasn’t the only crucifixion in L.A. this weekend, but it certainly grabbed the most headlines. The stunt was the centerpiece of a performance that was, by most accounts, very athletic and satisfying, featuring strong vocals and dance by The Great Blasphemadge. (I’m tired of "The Material Mom" and its cognates.) Oh yeah, and there were video images of BushandBlair juxtaposed with Osama and Hitler and (to prove she reads The New Yorker) Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe. (What, no Kim Jong Il? After he was nice enough to immolate all the Pyongyang critics who hated Swept Away?)

So… big weekend for the culture wars, huh? Da Vinci makes its preordained mint; The Passion of the Madonna makes waves… If you subscribe to specious dichotomies, then it looks like this round goes to the degenerate secular humanists, while the God-ocracy smolders and regroups. But the real winners here are bloggers and cable news commentators. Imagine all the yapping this will generate! Unless, of course, it doesn’t. Tom Hanks in a wan religious thriller and Madonna, the Western world’s senior provocatrix, executing vaguely yogic anti-establishment monkeyshines on a plastic cross  really doesn’t consitutute much of a firestorm.

Which is why I propose we design our own controversy, a real corker. Personally, I’d like to see Jack Bauer buttonhole God for his part in the Sentox gas terror plot on tonight’s 24. President, schmesident — Jack should go right to the top of this thing and shake down the big man himself. ("You have 10 seconds to explain the human condition in the moral vacuum of an apparently meaningless universe… 10! 9!") Yeah, that’d light up the boards, from Falwell to Franken.

Seriously, though: Does Madonna still retain the power to shock? Is that even what we want from her anymore? And what could she possibly do at this point that would really shock you? Take communion? Move to Omaha? Patch things up with Sean Penn?

Madonna’s fashion spread in the March issue of Harper’s Bazaar has inspired (what else?) another PopWatch haiku. Won’t you write one, too?

Get on down, Miss Madge
Your leotard’s like a badge
Bourgeoisie. Rebel.

So with the rumor flying that Mariah Carey recently purchased herself a vineyard, and the decision by Celebrity Cellars to market a collection of bottles inspired by Madonna’s Confessions on a Dance Floor, we thought liquor stores might need some help coming up with shelf-tag descriptions to accompany the new product. Check out ours, or post your own in the comments section below:

Mimi’s Cab-aret Sauvignon: This full-bodied red goes down just like honey, with a slightly nutty aftertaste, and despite the occasional sharp note, we suspect this one will be atop the charts for years to come.

Madge’s So-vogue-non Blanc: This crisp-bodied white comes on a bit strong for some, though its tartness and staying power are cherished in certain circles. Keep in mind that while each vintage has a distinctly different flavor, all bottles are 100 percent Kosher.

First there was Madonna’s Grammy duet with Gorillaz; now comes the news that she’s going to make her rock festival debut on April 30 at Coachella, before heading off on her club tour. Is Madge going alternative on us? Do you think she’ll mesh well on a bill that includes Franz Ferdinand, Tool, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, My Morning Jacket, and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs? I don’t know, but I’d love to be a fly on the wall backstage to hear what Madonna and Karen O or Cat Power have to say to each other.

Looks like Madonna will be taking the ”dance floor” part of Confessions on a Dance Floor literally on this summer’s tour, which will include a number of club dates.Tour creative director Jamie King tells MTV News that Madonna wants to be up close and personal with her fans as well as her dancers, to make the show a more ”intimate experience.” (Uh-oh, this sounds like Spinal Tap manager Ian Faith explaining why the band is playing smaller venues by insisting they’re not less popular, but rather that ”their appeal is becoming more selective.”) King also says that the set list will draw heavily on the current album, with only a handful of older hits. Look for dates to be announced shortly.

Madonna treated for hernia

It’s not just us, right?