For worse (Marilyn Monroe as a present-day video skank, left) or better (Dawson's Creek-era Katie Holmes as Girl With a Pearl Earring, right), artists at Worth1000.com have undergone some treacherous Adventures in Photoshop to bring us Telegraph.co.uk's excellent Celebrity Time Travel photo gallery. This is like that time EW.com image-doctoring superstar Jef Castro put Gokey's face on a lean-sirloin dancer's bod. But classy! Definitely check this out.
SOME NOTES: –Reese and J. Lo look great as polka-dot pinups and should work this look in 2009 –Simon Cowell as old-fashioned curmudgeon might actually be from 2009 –Tom Cruise must be the most important person in Britain's idea of Hollywood because he got two portraits –Whatever you do, keep clicking until you hit Justin Timberlake the 12-year-old soldier –Breaking! Eminem is hard at work on his new album –Mandi has already made this her wallpaper. Tile that s—, girl.
Blinding white time travel-y light: in 3…2..1….boom.
In just a few hours, the whole world can join in celebrating New York’s Fashion Week when CBS broadcasts the fourth annual Fashion Rocks concert tonight at 9 p.m. Can’t wait that long to find out what star-studded surprises are in store? Well, luckily for you, PopWatch recently upgraded its crystal-ball technology… and, er, I had a couple of tickets to the show’s live taping last night at Radio City Music Hall… so I can tell you exactly what to expect. This is gonna be way better than a live-blog — it’s a pre-blog!
First, though, let me share a few things that you won’t see tonight:
The uptight crowd: In person it was impossible to forget that Fashion Rocks is first and foremost a carefully choreographed high-society event — more like an elite awards ceremony or a runway showcase than a real rock concert. Sitting there in my frayed jeans amidst countless silent, haughty fashionistas, I felt sorta like Anne Hathaway in the first reel of The Devil Wears Prada. Especially when haughty Anna Wintour herself strode past me, turning way more heads than any of the actual rock stars in attendance.
Greg Giraldo‘s wickedly political stand-up: The night’s official host was Jeremy Piven, working a decent shtick which my date accurately classified as "nice Ari" — which is to say, not-quite-as-funny Ari. But during set changes and other breaks — all untelevised — Giraldo came out to taunt the in-person audience with some raw free-associative riffs on their overwhelming air of privilege: "What’s up, rich white kids?" The crowd wasn’t exactly feeling it, but I was doubled over in laughter the whole time. Giraldo was pretty genius/offensive at the recent Flavor Flav roast, too; why doesn’t this dude get more work?
"Singers" who can’t really sing: Fergie whispered her way through most of "Glamorous," letting a loud backing track do the heavy vocal lifting; only a cameo from Ludacris saved that song. (Also, her shouts of "If you ain’t got no money, take your broke-broke home" were just a tad ironic — if you ain’t got no money and you’re watching this glitzy gala, sadly, your broke-broke’s almost certainly at home already.) Then again, Fergie Ferg was easily the best part of her opening duet with the dessicated corpses of Aerosmith. Steven Tyler and Joe Perry are finally starting to look like their idols the Stones — only about 5-7 years older. But I’m sure both performances will sound just fine once CBS’ sound engineers have spent all of today tweaking them to perfection.
Sorry, just had to get that negativity out of my system. On to a few moments you should make sure not to miss:
addCredit(“Mary J. Blige and Usher: Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com”)
Now we want to hear from you, P-Dubs: What did we forget to include? Maybe it’s too recent to go down in the annals of "xx"-dom, but seems like Denise Richards’ nasty split from Charlie Sheen (who’s already on this list, natch) and her subsequent involvement with friend Heather Locklear’s ex, Richie Sambora, is tawdry enough to deserve a spot here. What say you?
At this point in her career, Jennifer Lopez might be better labeled as "Classic Tryer/Dabbler" than "International Superstar." She keeps throwing varying types of career pasta at the wall — starring in movies, producing series like South Beach and Dancelife, releasing CDs in Spanish and English, guest judging on Idol — hoping something will turn out perfectly cooked and stick. She may not be the most talented gal in the room, but at least J.Lo works hard for her stardom, washes her hair before making public appearances, and doesn’t resort to flashing her hoo-hoo or endangering the lives of motorists to get publicity.
"Do It Well," the first single from her forthcoming CD, Brave, finds Lopez’s voice as tinny and feeble as ever, singing lyrics that may have sounded believable back in the early ’90s days of In Living Color, but now come off as a preposterous attempt to "keep it real." I find it hard to believe that at any point in the last decade, J.Lo has bashfully introduced herself and scribbled down her digits…for anyone. Maybe she couldn’t think of something that rhymed with "Have your people call my people"?
On the plus side, though, the production itself — from the urgent strings to the wah-chicka-wah‘s to that rapid-fire chorus — is hard to resist. The melody’s as easy as it is catchy (perfect as "Jenny From the Block" for inebriated karaoke), and the beat demands a sumptuous choreographical feast of a video. I kid you not, I just did the "Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh-no-no" at my desk while listening to "Do It Well." And also some mild krumping. Not only that, J.Lo winningly brings "do-si-do" back to the pop-culture lexicon, and subliminally brings to mind Kelly Clarkson’s "Since You Been Gone" by using "here’s the thing" as the opening words to the song’s verse. Is global domination imminent? You make the call, PopWatchers, while I fight the urge to blow 99 cents on a download.
In just a few hours, the whole world can join in celebrating New York’s Fashion Week when CBS broadcasts the fourth annual 
