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Kathy Griffin channels Jim Carrey, tells Justin Bieber he's 'all the way beautiful' with his 'lesbian bangs'

Taking a page from creepy cute no, definitely creepy Jim Carrey, who professed his love for the much-younger Emma Stone in a video earlier this week, Kathy Griffin has decided to make public her illegal affection for 17-year-old Canadian treasure Justin Bieber. “Justin Bieber,” said the comedienne, “I want you to know that you are all the way beautiful. Even with those, like, lesbian bangs.”

Unfortunately, since Griffin is 29, 39, 49, 50 and has lines “under my ass even,” she cannot marry the teen sensation, in most states, that is. “If I could, I would marry you,” Griffin tells Bieber. “Oh, that’s actually not true. It’s messy, Justin. There’s a distribution of assets. We would just go steady.” (You sure it’s not worth it, Kathy?)

Click the jump to watch the rest of the video, which references a possible camping trip with Bieber and their hypothetical sex life. (“And the sex. Woo! It’s going to be weird!”) Will I be arrested for just writing that? READ FULL STORY

The 2011 EWwy Awards: Coming Monday. Get ready.

We’re launching the fourth annual EW.com ‘EWwy’ Awards next week. Remember those?

Tune in to our Twitter feed Monday at noon for the liiiiiiiiiive announcement of the shows and actors EW.com readers think got snubbed by Emmy this year.

Voting will last all week. The winners get this awkward statue of a ewe!

An ewe? Ah ewe? Aggggh, a ewe? It doesn’t matter.

Crazy Jim Carrey is stupid in love with Emma Stone (but he's really just being funny)

Jim Carrey has boldly stepped up as a mouthpiece for much of the human race by declaring his love for Emma Stone in a weird little webcam confessional. (Watch the video here.) Carrey calls Stone “all the way beautiful” and laments that at 49, he has lines on his face and takes “a little longer to pee” than he used to, because otherwise they could get married “and we would have chubby little freckle-faced kids.” Who you callin’ fat, Jim Carrey?  READ FULL STORY

'Dirty Dancing' remake: EW.com reader outrage heroically captured in 15 Baby faces

Within minutes of our announcement that Kenny Ortega has signed on to directDirty Dancing reboot, many of you had already echoed my own reaction to the news. (EWWWWW.com.) It struck me violently in the face that perhaps the horror of this situation can best be expressed by the original Baby, Jennifer Grey herself.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” –Sarah  READ FULL STORY

E! will air Kim Kardashian wedding extravaganza for FOUR HOURS

Oh GOD. E! is already planning a two-night primetime gala, and they haven’t even promised that the telecast will include the actual wedding! Check out this save-the-date, which is quite proper and ladylike save for the big E, erect and ready for action:

On the bright side, it turns out we are all invited. The chances?!

Here’s a list just off the top of my head for what you can do to better spend four hours.

1. Anything

Annie on Twitter

What's more horrifying: Watching an MTV reality show? Or reading its participant contract?

Sorry, you don’t know these people in the picture. They’re the cast of The Real World XXV: Vegas and, as is the case with all humans, they may or may not have STDs! Starring in a fancy show with Roman numerals in the title is an honor, so you’re going to need to waive some basic personal, sexual, and reproductive rights. Just go with it; you’ll get to be on TV. Producers can twist your story any which way they want, but eyes on the prize: You! TV!

The Village Voice obtained a reputed copy of the standard contract for The Real World, and while it’s everything you might expect for reality TV, that doesn’t make it any less skeezy. (MTV has not yet responded to requests from EW for comment.) You can read the full document here, but here’s a quick list of my….

Five Most Worrisome Stipulations of an MTV Reality TV Contract

NUMBER ONE:

 I represent and warrant that, to the best of my knowledge, I do not currently have any sexually transmitted disease. However, I acknowledge and agree that other participants in the Program may have one or more sexually transmitted diseases and other diseases.

Honey we all agree. (Emphasis mine.) READ FULL STORY

Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife: 'Hostel' hits the theme park

Because when I think “torture porn,” I immediately think “good-time family fun.” Don’t you?! Horror auteur Eli Roth is teaming up with Universal Studios to create a theme-park riff on his 2005 genre-reviving film, Hostel. “Eli Roth’s Hostel: Hunting Season,” takes its bloody bow at Universal Studios’ Hollywood’s Halloween Horror Nights on Sept. 23 and will run through Halloween. READ FULL STORY

Don't go outside! Sit here and name the saddest part of this frame from NBC's 'It's Worth What?'

I finally set up DirecTV in my new apartment last night, and within just a few seconds of flipping through network television’s 9 p.m. Tuesday lineup was able to achieve a stunning sense of overwhelming dread, horror, and hopelessness. Hooray!

Here’s the Saddest Thing I saw on Summer TV Last Night:

Three sad women posed onstage as Madonna, Paris Hilton, and Scarlett Johansson (though my first guesses were a deranged doll, a chronic nose-picker, and a Debbie Downer who’s unsatisfied with her recent shopping spree at The Limited). The show: It’s Worth What? on NBC.  It doesn’t really matter why this tragic arrangement of humanity occurred; suffice it to say that the whole point of It’s Worth What? on NBC seems to be that host Cedric the Entertainer gets to say “It’s worth WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?” before commercials.

It’s scary in there, you guys.

If you see other Things That Make You Die Inside on summer TV and want to make others share your pain, leave ‘em in the comments or send ‘em to me @EWAnnieBarrett on Twitter. It’ll be like the opposite of my hidden gems initiative, just for summer. Pellets of misery? Oh, I love it! Include an exact timestamp so I don’t have to watch the whole show. Do my job for me!

So what’s the saddest part of this frame? I say “DOG FOOD CAN” placard. You?

Annie on Twitter

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris get into a war of words. But we only have one word for it: Whyyyyy?!

There is nothing worse than getting caught in between a couple, post-break-up, while they go back and forth with their “he said, she said” routine. (Actually, getting caught in between this would be worse. Way worse.)

So imagine our discomfort when Crystal Harris stopped by Howard Stern’s XM radio show on Tuesday to plant irreversible images in our head bash the boat captain/magazine mogul. In addition to claiming that she’d never seen Hef naked because the 85-year-old rarely takes off his clothes (here’s an artist’s rendering of what he would probably look like), Harris said that sex with Hef only went for “like, two seconds.” The 24-year-old, who said she wasn’t turned on by the Playboy founder (jowls just aren’t for everyone) then meticulously articulated her post-traumatic Hef disorder for listeners, “Then I was just over it. Was like, ‘Ahhh.’ I was over it. I just, like, walked away.”

But Hef wasn’t going to take this lying down (not unless he had an orthopedic mattress or it was time for his 2 p.m. nap). READ FULL STORY

Honey badger spotted at Comic-Con! He don't care. He don't give a [bleep]. -- EXCLUSIVE VIDEO

Six months ago, the world was introduced to the illustrious honey badger — sorry, I mean, “The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger,” an indefatigable creature who really does not give a s—. You know who else don’t give a s—? The denizens of Comic-Con, a famously audacious crowd who think nothing of parading in public in all manner of crevice-hugging, skin-revealing costumes. So we here at EW.com had a brainstorm: What if we released Randall, the man who so famously narrated the viral “Honey Badger” video, into the wilds of the San Diego convention center during the height of Comic-Con craziness? Along with colleagues John Carlucci, Chris Gordon, and Dave Schlow, Randall delivered the following exclusive video report from San Diego Comic-Con International, or, as he initially puts it, “the San Diego Zoo’s annual Come Along Intentionally Tour!” Check it out below:  READ FULL STORY

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