At last, Kanye West has found a woman whose opinion of him is as high as his own. People reports the rapper’s engagement to a woman named Alexis, who apparently couldn’t afford a last name before she met Kanye. No golddigger jokes, please; apparently, she’s been with him since before he was famous. No word on when they’ll tie the knot, or on whether he’s given her a ring fitted with diamonds from Sierra Leone. In all seriousness, congratulations to Kanye, especially for handling his engagement with such discretion (unlike his new BFF). I mean, who even knew that he had a longtime girlfriend?

Sure, People got the scoop from Nicole Kidman’s own lips that she’s engaged to longtime beau Keith Urban (the happy couple, pictured), but PopWatch has managed to intercept a phone conversation (that never happened) between Kidman and her wedding planner. We’ve translated it from the Australian, so we may not have it exactly right, but we think it went something like this:

Nicole Kidman: So I want to invite all the Australian stars.

Wedding Planner: Russell Crowe?

NK: Yes.

WP: Naomi Watts?

NK: Of course.

WP: Paul Hogan?

NK: Okay, maybe not every star.

WP: Let’s talk about your entrance. You say you want to descend on a trapeze, singing ”Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend”?

NK: Yeah, that worked before. Keith will be waiting below, sitting in a chair with an acoustic guitar.

WP: And you want him to play something?

NK: Oh, heavens no. Have you ever heard his songs? ”Tonight I Wanna Cry”? ”Nobody Drinks Alone”? Way too depressing.

WP: So, will you be wearing the prosthetic nose then?

NK: The Academy liked it…

WP: And what about the altar?

NK: Well, at least this time, we won’t need a platform for the groom.

WP: And the vows?

NK: Oh, I was going to say something about promising to love, honor, and obey him. He’s going to promise to love and cherish me and forsake Renée Zellweger.

WP: Okay, and at the end, instead of doves, we’ll release 200 live kangaroos…

After that, we lost reception, but you get the gist.

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal are getting married and having a baby, which inspired four punch lines in search of an actual story. To wit:

1. Luckily for them, the first anniversary is consonants.

2. Many haaapy returns!

3. Gyllenhaard! Yick — sounds like a Soviet sensual lubricant…

4. That kid is going to have a lot of As in its name.

With rumors swirling that Brangelina will wed this weekend at George Clooney’s Italian villa (and with Clooney issuing a non-denial denial: ”Rumors are rumors”), we wonder if the happy couple have had time, amidst the flurry of secret preparations, to write their vows. You can help them out via the boilerplate vows we’ve written below; just fill in the unfinished parts by selecting among the phrases we’ve offered, or fill in your own word choices.

ANGELINA: I promise to love, honor, and obey you until (death do us part/I am cast in Ocean’s Thirteen/the next adorable orphan comes along). I promise never to (make you watch Life or Something Like It/sell our photos to Us Weekly/make another Lara Croft sequel). As a mark of our love, I will (wear your blood in a vial around my neck/tattoo your name on whatever space remains available/put my knife collection in storage). Side by side always, we shall (outshine everyone else on the red carpet/share our personal grooming products/raise a race of genetically perfect superbeings who will one day replace homo sapiens as the dominant species on this planet).

BRAD: I promise to love, honor, and obey you until (death do us part/I win an Oscar too/Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2 hits DVD). I promise never to (be untrue/wear my ”Team Aniston” T-shirt around the house/invite your father over for dinner). I will love you always, even if (you never win the Nobel Peace Prize/you don’t lose the baby weight right away/Maddox and Zahara write tell-all books). I will be as good as my word because (I am a man of honor/the first rule of Fight Club is: never talk about Fight Club/I can’t afford another messy, public divorce).

It was probably inevitable that someone would come up with a spoof of Brokeback Mountain that turned it into a Broadway musical. It was probably just as inevitable that it would be Nathan Lane. He and a bunch of chap-wearing chorus boys performed it last night on Letterman, with parody lyrics set to tunes mostly borrowed from Oklahoma. I laughed, but its swishy stereotypes were the sort of thing that GLAAD would have picketed if it had been someone other than Lane performing it.

While Lane was busy trotting out gay gags that were old when the first Producers came out four decades ago… over in England, several hundred same-sex couples got married on Wednesday, including Elton John (at right) and David Furnish (at left). (Jeez, Brokeback hasn’t been in theaters for two weeks yet, and already…) They were all taking advantage of England’s new civil-union law, which went into effect Wednesday. By all accounts, John and Furnish’s nuptials were just like anyone else’s. (Except for the part where 700 celebs and other guests came to their reception. Or the part where they got a congratulatory message from Prime Minister Tony Blair. Oh yeah, and the part where both members of the bridal party were wearing traditional morning coats.)

After he gets back from his honeymoon, maybe John can write some fresher tunes for Lane’s musical.

Congrats to Christina Aguilera on her weekend wedding to music exec Jordan Bratman. I sure hope the DJ played "Dirrty" at the reception, because, as the song indicates, ”if you ain’t dirrty, you ain’t here to paaaaarrrrttyyyy!”

Am I right?

What if Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s wedding on Saturday, which PopWatch and everybody else reported on, was an elaborate hoax on the media, something for the next season premiere of Punk’d? That’s the assertion made by John B. Myers, in an e-mail he sent to us and to several other media outlets. He claims to have proof, appending what he says is an e-mail from Punk’d producer Jason Goldberg to a group of people (including Myers, Moore’s publicist, and various Kutcher associates) with details of the alleged hoax plans. You can read the text of the e-mail Myers sent to the media, including what he says is the e-mail he received from Goldberg, at Jossip.

Of course, Myers could also be trying to punk the media. He is, after all, the registered owner of ashtonhacked.com, a website purporting to contain voicemail messages hacked from Kutcher’s phone. But Kutcher’s publicist has said the voice messages are fake. Meanwhile, Myers is claiming that he isn’t affiliated with the site; he told the New York Daily News yesterday that hackers registered it in his name without his knowledge. Even if Myers isn’t affiliated with ashtonhacked, it’s hard to understand why Goldberg would have e-mailed him about the alleged wedding hoax. If Myers has some other connection to Kutcher or Moore, it isn’t apparent. PopWatch responded to his e-mail, asking for more info — though we sure aren’t going to pay for it. He has yet to respond.

For what its worth, PopWatch’s inside sources tell us that they believe the wedding was genuine. MTV told PopWatch that there is an upcoming season of Punk’d, but there’s no date yet set for the premiere. That makes Myers’ story even more dubious; how could the pranksters hope to keep the wedding fakery a secret for an indefinite period of time until a premiere that could be months away?

What do you think, readers? Who’s trying to punk us: Kutcher and Moore? Myers? None of the above?