Help create the 'L Word' spinoff

Good news for those of us who are suffering from early-onset L Word withdrawal, knowing that this winter's season of the Showtime series will be its last. According to Variety, series creator Ilene Chaiken is developing a spinoff, and Leisha Hailey (pictured) has signed on to star in the pilot. No word of what the premise is or what Hailey's Alice will be doing, presumably without the rest of the gang. The new show starts shooting in December, so you'd better start coming up with suggestions now for what Alice should find herself doing -- moving to New York to become a daytime talk show host? Moving to San Francisco to become a social networking website mogul? Moving to Ellen and Portia's house to be the nanny to their (as yet nonexistent) child? Spin your dream scenario below.

Nomi Malone, not Elizabeth Berkley, should join 'The L Word.' There's a difference.

Yes, EW.com's Michael Ausiello already broke the news about Elizabeth Berkley's upcoming guest role on The L Word. Sadly, that report was incomplete, as it did not include the following, utterly timeless clip from Showgirls. (Less-safe-for-work alternative, here!)

PopWatch officially proposes that Berkley approach her L Word role (a love interest for Jennifer Beals' Bette) as Nomi Malone. The Planet and its gaggle of effortlessly stylish lesbians will have no choice but to embrace Nomi's metallic animal-print jackets and three inches of eyeliner with extra tongue.

When asked to comment on our suggestion, Nomi Malone replied, "It doesn't suck."

'The L Word' recap: It's a wrap

It's so appropriate that The L Word's fifth-season finale took place on Easter Sunday, because right around the 55-minute mark of the show, I chirped up with a joyous little "She is risen!" as Jenny piped up from the back of the Les Girls wrap party and barged onstage. It was a night filled with game-changing, long-in-coming confrontations — Jenny and Adele, Dawn Bimbo and her lover Cindi, Helena and Peggy, Phyllis and Shane, Jodi and Bette... ooof, it was a rough night in West Hollywood, wasn't it?

We'll start with the returns of a few old friends: Crazy Jenny appears to have returned from a stint in Boringtown, Peggy Peabody reentered the scene via helicopter and gurney (so fussy!), and her daughter Helena came back from wandering around like a fool with Dusty to basically buy back The Planet and bag Lover Cindi. Never mind that she's a criminal on the lam. Random aside No. 1: The supreme awesomeness of Peggy Peabody (and, by extension, Holland Taylor) was reconfirmed last night when she used the words "peccadilloes" and "willy-nilly" and answered a question of Helena's with the phrase, "As is your wont." What is not to love about this woman? Random aside No. 2: The unbearable tedium of Kit Porter was reconfirmed last night when she greeted Helena's return with, "Girl! Girrrrrrrl! Girl... Girl!" I'm not lying. Those were the first four words out of her mouth. But wasn't that a predictable plot development, having Peggy give Helena the money to buy back the Planet? I'm hoping that's not the last we've seen of Dawn Bimbo and her Lover Cindi. (We all must simply refuse to call her by her actual name, even if she did finally reveal it during one of last night's more inspired moments.) Do you sense that the show's final season will draw out the enmity between Dawn and "the skanks"? And how silly is it that the girls are now BFFs with Lover Cindi?

'The L Word' recap: Seeing red

I'm back, Popwatchers. I apologize for deserting you without fair warning, but if you're willing to forgive me, and if somebody could just dim the lights, we can get started. We'll just pretend that I never went away (to a magical place called Australia) for a short while (okay, two-plus weeks) during one of the more dismal three-episode stretches (look! they can ride bikes!) in recent memory.

So... yeah, last night's episode wasn't exactly a thriller, either. We've been building all season to Adele's big moment, but at best, it was a tepid retread of too many other blackmail scenes from too many mediocre boardroom-barracuda scenes in too many bad movies. I don't know about you, but watching Adele vamp through her big reveal last night just made me want to go back and watch The Temp or something. I've had my issues with this whole sex-tape situation since things started to get messy in Jenny and Niki's Arabian Nights tent last week; if Adele can ostensibly take control of an entire movie shoot right under the director and producers' noses, couldn't she have come up with a better blackmail scheme than this? And weren't we already here in season 2, when Jenny, Shane, and Carmen all learned that Mark had been secretly taping their sexy time via hidden cameras? There's something rather anticlimactic about the way this storyline has played out. Come on, L Word! If you're going to subject us to a laughable third-tier "storyline" like Kit's Adventures With Firearms (for the love of Pete, what was that?), then you owe us some serious fireworks on the Les Girls front. Because I was disappointed in Adele's quietly detonated bomb; in my head, I was building up the big confrontation to look something like this, or perhaps this.

'The L Word' recap: Training wheels

After last week's lusty steambath, this week "L" stands for... lousy, lame, lamentable. I skipped the all-time finale of The Wire to watch panoramic shots of helmeted women riding bikes and unfunny tent-pitching pratfalls?

The ladies have all flown up to the Pacific Northwest for a benefit bike-athon, the purpose of which, Alice chirps, is "curing cancer and one night stands."  "Go boobs!" shrieks Molly (Clementine Ford, pictured), like she's cheering for USC at the Rose Bowl, possibly the ickiest line of the evening. Other candidates: "My p---y is so sore!" spoken by ever-classy Jenny as she dismounts her bike. Or Shane's "Breathe through your mouth." Were these really cringe-inducing, or am I just in a crummy mood?

'The L Word' recap: Heat wave

"It's a scorcher out there folks!"

You have to admire the subtle thematic forecasting (not!) with which the L Word writers began this soft-core steamer, but why make fun when this was such a sassy return to form after last week's doldrums?

Let's start with Jenny's fabulous public meltdown while watching Niki enjoy "for-the-camera" hetero sex with her "actor boy" costar. Jenny — looking loonier than ever in giant dangling hoops (pictured) like Madonna circa 1988 — figures out that Niki's been secretly doing "actor boy," and sends him packing with one of the episode's finest lines: "It's unprofessional... it's a vile and despicable act. You're fired."

A vile and despicable act. That's the kind of high camp gem that keeps The L Word crisp and amusing for all the sodden storylines that have come and gone. (Joyce is always good for zingers like these, as when she coos about Phyllis' "sweet little slip of a frock." Love, love, love the Joyce. Wish she sauntered through the show more regularly.)

'The L Word' recap: Trials and tribulations

Nicholas is away for the next few weeks, so I'll be filling in for him on these L Word recaps. My first comment: He took off at the perfect time. This week's low-energy episode was all about mopping up various little messes from earlier, spicier, shows and stringing along some tired storylines.

First came the predictable overreaction to the Turkish oil leak: Niki's handlers were outraged, prompting one of the several terrifically campy lines of the evening: "Niki Stevens doesn't like d---? Zit-faced teen boys will flip!"  And so instead of taking Jenny and her honkin' big hickey to the Liquid Heat premiere, weepy Niki -- who miraculously perked up for the red carpet --  was forced to attend with someone who possessed a penis. I'll admit that I sort of enjoyed watching Jenny wait on the sidewalk after she was blackballed, all dressed up and ready to party, desperately trying to text her way in. The waifish neurotic, who once peered hungrily through the slats of Bette and Tina's fence, has metamorphosed into such an egotistical diva that I want to see her taken down a notch. Fortunately, I think a comedown for Ms. Jenny may be in the works!

"The L Word' recap: At last, lesbian Turkish oil wrestling!

I woke up yesterday morning at 7:15 a.m., turned onto my left side with disgust, and thought, "Crap, it's Monday." Then I realized that no, in fact, it was Sunday. And this was Presidents' Day Weekend. And I wasn't working on Monday. The exhilaration I felt, the sheer joy at having a full 48 more hours before actually going to work (any time the TV's on at my house — that'd be 23 ½ hours a day — it's some form of "work") was like little I'd known before. Later that evening, God gave me another gift, a spunky episode of The L Word called "Lesbians Gone Wild."

Was this it? Would this be the episode we'd all been waiting for, the one teased in those late November promos that had us agape, clutching our fists to our chests and asking, "Did they... are they... is that really two women grappling in Turkish oil?!" Oh, it was. And it was good. So good, in fact, that I even wished I had a cigarette to smoke when it was all over, just because. Dawn Bimbo and Lover Cindy — seriously, it's out of control how often Dawn refers to this woman as her "lover," so I might as well just coin the damn term — opened up a new can of whoop-ass in their war against Kit with a special oil-wrestling themed night at SheBar. And you know what? It worked. Because about all I saw of The Planet this week was Jodi and her ex-girlfriend chit-chatting about bladdy-blah-blah in sign language on a patio. No offense to all y'all signers out there, but I'm thinking they would actually look like they didn't want to slit their wrists if they'd been having that discussion while watching Nikki roll around in goo while wearing a bra and panties. Don't you?

'The L Word' recap: Reunited, and it feels so good

Doesn't everything just feel right with the world this morning, all 15 of you who read my weekly L Word missives? Wasn't it nice to see Bette and Tina jump into the sack after all this time? Putting aside the fact that they don't really ever talk — no, they coo — their chemistry has never died, and we were all rooting for them to screw their way back into each others' lives. Last night it happened, but only after an odd, painful scene that I think was trying to equate cooking stir-fry with the slow build of foreplay but instead came off like soft-porn. What do you think is bound to happen? Or more precisely: How long until Jodi (Marlee Matlin, pictured) finds out and proceeds to blow everyone away with an Uzi?

Call me wildly presumptuous, but I'm having a hard time figuring out a scenario by which Jodi sticks around if she knows about Bette and Tina's romp. The show already seems to be pruning away some of its secondary characters this season: Papi basically vanished into thin air, Helena's been MIA for the past few weeks, Tasha appears to have left the building(?!...!!... yes? what do we think?), and even Phyllis has been relegated to scarce, spectacularly messy scenes like this week's poolside striptease. I'm still trying to process half of what was happening there — have mercy, was that a conga line? The good news is that this season’s new arrivals are delicious enough to keep me intrigued. Dawn Bimbo and her loooovaaaahhh, Cindy seem to have been transplanted from The Bad Girls Club; as such, they're wreaking wonderful havoc. I never thought I'd see the day when a territorial fight between two lesbian bars would thrill me, but there's something so nasty and ridiculous about these two. Their in-your-face attempt to shut down Jenny's movie shoot was hilarious/heinous. And silly Dawn Bimbo won my eternal, everlasting allegiance with this week's putdown of The Planet, which she called a "wannabe Peach Pit of a s---hole." Yes, Dawn Bimbo! Bring it!

'The L Word' recap: Team Tina

My, my, my... what a horny little crew the girls were this week! Some people counterprogrammed their way through Super Bowl Sunday with a trip to go see Over My Dead Body (so that's what happened to Lake Bell), or The Eye (a.k.a., the far superior Blink, which astute EW writer Tim Stack pointed out to me was the original blind-violinist-who-sees-things thriller on the market way back in 1994), or maybe that Hannah Montana concert movie that I can't be bothered to ponder right now. And then there were the trusty L Word fans. We got lots of gratuitous shots of Cindy and Shane and Jenny and Nikki and, like I said: Oh, my.

So it looks like Cindy and her "lover" (guess what typing that reminded me of just now) Dawn Bimbo are out for Kit's blood now that they're selling foodstuffs and coffee at Shebar. Let's be honest: It's nice for the ladies to have another gathering spot besides the Planet, and especially nice that the owners have quickly proved themselves to be grade-A hardasses. What'd you think of Cindy and Shane's little romp in the hills? I'm amazed it was so hot given the atrocious pickup lines Cindy used on Shane (left) before they started knocking boots. "Tarts, pies, muffins, ladyfingers..." Cindy, really. And then that tramp stamp! And those boobs! There was something verging on pornographic about that entire look, which is the likely reason Shane gave in after roughly 48 seconds of trying to resist.

'The L Word' recap: Look how serious we are

Yowsa, that was boring, wasn't it? For an episode titled "Let's Get This Party Started," this week's installment of The L Word acted more like a wallflower at the TV-watching orgy that takes place at my apartment every Sunday night. It was a somber, mousy little thing, standing in place and not offering much in the way of stimulating conversation. And after all my bitching and moaning about how this show has turned into a situation comedy, it veered back toward the serious this week. Vexing, ladies!

I'll start with what I liked: that ending. We've been building toward a Bette and Tina reunion, so... is this it? It's become increasingly clear this season that Bette and Jodi are sliding along at a really fragile impasse; neither of them is bending enough to make the relationship work as it should. (The problems: Bette's self-absorption, the chip on Jodi's shoulder, Tina's general hotness.) Bette and Tina have been great adversaries for the past few seasons, but they're also the heart and soul of the show, the couple you're always rooting for even when they're acting their worst. When Bette collapsed into tears, I literally said aloud, "Uh oh!" It was a surprising and somber moment, but I'm not certain what it portends. Tell me, Popwatchers: Are we headed for a full-on reunion, a secret affair, a one-night stand, or nothing at all?

The military investigation of Tasha (Rose Rollins, pictured, left) took some interesting turns this week, even if they felt more plot- than character-driven. I suppose it's a good thing that Alice (Leisha Hailey, right) is such a high-strung freak ("Is it me? Is it because I'm too loud and out?") when she's pinned into a corner — it's her passion that's forcing Tasha to take a harsher line with her lawyer (and, in the process, inject some dramatic heft into this storyline). Still, I don't entirely buy that her lawyer's wife would suddenly change the dude's mind about helping Tasha out — he seemed pretty dead-set against it last week. Of course, the most thought-provoking thing in this entire episode occurred as I watched Alice frantically erase the names off of her famous chart. It dawned on me as I watched this: The centerpiece of Alice's living room is a huge hookup chart featuring all of her friends and everybody she's ever slept with. Oh my tacky.

'The L Word' recap: When exactly did this show turn into a comedy?

First off, best opening sequence ever. Okay? Just so we’re clear. Also: The L Word has officially morphed into a comedy series—or perhaps it was one all along. (The cynics among you snort and ask how it took me five seasons to figure that out.) There was a time, in the cold early-winter days of 2004, when those opening sequences told a story—more often than not, a rather confounding one. But they seemed to mean something, to announce that this experiment in televised lesbianism was going to push some envelopes, work some nerves…the normal stuff anybody with a landmark project promises new viewers. The opening sequence always tried so hart do make a statement; now it’s been co-opted by silly skits such as last night’s Charlie’s Angels parody. Hardly groundbreaking, and Katherine Moennig apparently does not possess the ability to do accents, but it was festive and light-hearted and knowingly campy, and if you think the influence of director Angela Robinson--I hear she's playing a much bigger role this year--on the show’s creative team is a coincidence, then you’re wrong.

In truth, last night’s episode was more serious than last week’s unrealistic mess. But the laughs came more easily, probably because they were borne of more substantial ideas than a horny wedding harem. So Moennig isn’t Meryl Streep, but she can still do funny—and with Shane atoning by going celibate, she’s getting the chance to play to her usually hidden comedic strengths. Shane is suddenly something other than a husky, brooding—sorry!—bore.

Jenny’s “workout” with Adele was a nice visual gag, and the return of [cue regal music, please—something with a trumpet] Peggy Peabody provided us with one of the best rejoinders I’ve ever heard on The L Word, much less in my life. I’d like to reprint the entire screed here, but the phrases “full booty check” and “give it to ya family style” are about all I can get away with on this site.

'The L Word' recap: Realism not included!

Let's start with the text message that greeted me when I got out of bed and turned on my cell phone this morning. The following arrived courtesy of a close friend and lesbian who winces her way through watches The L Word despite what she claims is her better judgment.   

I'm gonna pretend I never saw that ending. It just insults my intelligence.

Look, she has a point. We all know The L Word takes place in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, but last night, it seemed to enter The Twilight Zone. We can start with Shane. Feel free to correct me if you think I'm wrong, PopWatchers, but don't you think Shane should have spent the hour, oh, maybe mourning her breakup with Paige and maybe, just maybe, dealing with the fallout from the destruction of her skate shop/hair salon? But that ain't how Shane rolls. Instead, she shows up to do hair at a wedding (pictured), and half the women in the bridal party—including the bride herself, of course—either make out or have sex with her on the spot? Like I said: Neighborhood of Make-Believe. Not that I'm surprised. I knew we were in for this mess when Shane first entered the ladies' lair, mostly because it appeared that she had walked into the opening scene from an Emmanuelle movie. If Shane ever decides to rebuild her gutted hair salon, here's a free suggestion for its new name: Coif 'N Boff.

'The L Word' recap: A hot and crazy season premiere!

They said this day would never come! They said there wouldn’t be another night of good scripted TV for months! And I think they spoke too soon, PopWatchers! Because last night was very good to TV buffs drowning in a sea of lame reality television. The highbrows got their Wire, the mainstream got one last visit with the Housewives, and I got the fifth-season premiere of The L Word. I think you can agree that on the evening of January 7, 2008, the winds of change were blowin’ through America’s living rooms, and everybody was a winner. Unless, of course, you voted for American Gladiators.

So? What did you think? Season 5 of The L Word is upon us, and thankfully our hot little hour is less frenzied than it’s been in years. Major props for chucking Angus and Papi (goodbye, friends—you will not be missed); major props for throwing Helena in prison and paying homage to costar Pam Grier’s 1971 grindhouse classic The Big Doll House. Me likey. Now all we need is the glorious return of Peggy Peabody, and I’m all set. Come back, Holland Taylor—your gays need you!