Well, dear readers, we've reached the end of the very entertaining parade of egos that was the first season of Celebrity Apprentice. And though Trump and Co. tried to maintain a level of suspense throughout the finale last night, it was pretty obvious from the get-go just who was going to take home the Celebrity Apprentice crown. Yes, after a live boardroom that featured a Japanese-speaking Gene Simmons, some sexual innuendo courtesy of Ivanka, and a performance from our finalist Trace — just think what kind of show we would have gotten had Playboy alum Tiffany Fallon cracked the top two! — Piers was awarded the title of the Celebrity Apprentice (seems Trump prefers the evil to the good after all). And in all fairness, even though we all wanted to see the ever-affable Trace win the whole shebang, there's no denying that Piers was the star of this show, obnoxious exterior and all.
Last night, we began with an image of Trump sitting in his boardroom as if he were ready to address the union, only to realize that — we're live! I'm not sure who Trump and Co., convinced to sit in that audience for two hours on a Thursday night — maybe anti-Rosie allies Bill O'Reilly, Barbara Walters and Star Jones? — but somehow, it did appear to be a pretty packed house. Of course, The Donald had to make sure that the announcer named him "the biggest celebrity of them all" ("I'm gonna be HUGE."), and told his audience that "it's been a phenomenal season." Sure, it was a decent season, what with all the Gene Simmons hijinks and Stevie B nonsense — but we all know The Donald would have called it a phenomenal season even if the final showdown was between a plunger and a rubber ducky that he found in his bathroom. It is impossible not to take this man with a grain of salt.
Last week, dear readers, you'll recall I wrote this passage in my TV Watch:
I will say it's a pretty safe bet to assume that Carol and Trace will make up the final two. Unless Trump wants to turn the finals into a battle between good vs. not-so-good — I'll reserve the 'evil' stamp for our ousted Omarosa — in which case Piers might make the cut alongside Trace.
Well, I'm glad that I didn't put money on my first prediction — Carol eventually was called out of the competition — but I do want to give myself a pat on the back for divining Trump's ultimate quest for drama. Though Carol might have been a better candidate for the top two, since the supermodel was both poised and intelligent in her final interviews, Trump was far more interested in good TV, and thus greenlit a "good vs. evil" showdown between Piers and Trace. And if I'm to judge by the episode's final half hour, when the two contestants got down to work on their deal-breaking charity event, the face-off will be — as Trump noted — one hell of a fight.
I guess Omarosa is the trans fat of Apprentice, because ever since her ouster last week, NBC has been advertising the show as an "Omarosa-free Celebrity Apprentice." But unlike a box of low-fat cookies, a healthy downgrading of a harmful substance didn't make things any less tasty. In fact, last night's Celebrity Apprentice was, as our dearly departed friend would say, just as "yummy, dude" as previous shows. (Especially with that Stevie B cherry on top). Luckily for us, though last night's episode was low on drama — thanks to Omarosa's firing — there were had plenty of quotables to keep viewers at home entertained. (And I give a big thank you to the lovely Lindsay Soll, who kept you all entertained during my absence last week).
So in honor of our dear departed Stevie B (pictured), I'll start us off with a quote that so fits our preaching Hollywood mogul-wannabe to a T, it was only fitting that he said it on the night of his ouster (in response to Trace's remark that Stevie B had crabs in his pants): "Those days are over."
Funny, reformed and delusional (with just a little bit of desperation thrown in for good measure), our Stevie B was made up of the perfect ingredients for a reality show contestant. (Can you tell this challenge made me hungry?). I have to say, as much as I've ribbed the guy in previous weeks for his tendency to reveal himself as a has-been actor desperate for a comeback, I'm really going to miss the Flea. Good thing we won't have to wait long to see him again — in an Apprentice twist, Trump announced that he would fire two more celebrities within minutes of re-entering the boardroom, and the two finalists will reunite with previously ousted contestants to fight for the win. (And certainly it will be a win that will "Knock you out," right Piers?). And though we have yet to discover who those two finalists will be, I will say it's a pretty safe bet to assume that Carol and Trace will make up the final two. Unless Trump wants to turn the finals into a battle between good vs. not-so-good — I'll reserve the "evil" stamp for our ousted Omarosa — in which case Piers might make the cut alongside Trace.
“This is the biggest slaughter in the history of The Apprentice,” declared The Donald to the losing team, Empresario, just moments before the boardroom turned into a complete circus. (Hmm, that gives me an idea: what about a reality show called Celebrity Circus! Oh wait, that’s literally a show on NBC’s summer schedule. Go figure.)
So the circus came to town when a triumphant Piers, whose team won by a landslide in an art-selling challenge, decided to put his two cents in about why Omarosa never belonged on the show in the first place. “It’s called Celebrity Apprentice,” he explained. “If you are a genuine celebrity, then you do have the power to pick up the phone and get money out of people. I have believed from the start that Omarosa was here by default….” She retorted, “I’m here because Mr. Trump invited me, and if you keep saying that to him you’re going to be questioning his judgment. And I actually trust his judgment.” Is it bad that I think she had a valid point? Sometimes I wonder why Omarosa isn’t putting her money where her mouth is as a big-time lawyer grilling criminals, instead of as a reality-show contestant grilling (or whining about) her opponents. (Oh, and if you’re wondering, your regular TV Watcher, Kate, is on assignment, so instead you've got me as your commentator this week. Yay you!)
There is no written sound effect that can fully express the magnitude of my frustration after watching last night's episode of Celebrity Apprentice, but I think the closest I can come up with is simply: Uuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggg. Somehow, we managed to lose yet another surprisingly endearing contestant last night before the likes of the intolerable Omarosa, obnoxious Piers and completely useless Lennox. Yep, Tito — a.k.a. the only fighter on Celebrity Apprentice that can form a simple sentence — was called out of the ring and sent packing, even though Omarosa probably should have gone home for neglecting to step up to the plate. (At least Tito left with that $50,000 consolation prize for St. Jude's.)
Because when it came down to it, this was a marketing challenge, and Omarosa does claim to have had experience in that area (believe it or not, she actually did do something before appearing on such quality programs as The Surreal Life). The 0-2 contestant, however, managed to dodge elimination by transferring the blame and obviously manipulating Tito into taking the leadership role in the first place. But, as it turns out, Trump is not the most perceptive person — to the mogul, the elimination all boiled down to a shirtless photo of Trace, which he felt might have won the challenge for Empresario had they included it in their spread. (Wait, did he see the photo?) The blame inexplicably was placed on Tito, and The Donald ousted the fighter for essentially leading a team of idiots.
Woe is me, PopWatchers. It's a sad, sad day in Celebrity Apprentice world (and yes, I understand that every day in that self-absorbed, delusional world is a little bit sad). At first, I believed that The Donald was ready to fire Piers for sweating — hey, the mogul has done stranger things. Instead, he opted to fire one of the only two likable contestants left. Yes, our dear Marilu was told to vamonos, taking with her almost every shred of desire I have to tune in next week. (Thank goodness Trace is still around.)
Serious props to Hydra's project manager, though, because she had one strong adversary this week. As quick-witted and clever as Marilu was, she was no match for Empresario's biggest ally: God. Seems the Man was on the side of Stephen Baldwin (pictured) this week. (The Lord must be a fan of Bio-Dome.) The team's coin toss, which they lost, turned out to work in their favor after all — anyone should know that a sweeper is a far more attractive QVC product than a ladder (assuming, of course, one can't pimp the latest Marie Osmond doll) — and Stevie B's seemingly unwise decision not to allow Trace a run-through didn't seem to matter in the end. And as much as it surprises me to see Stevie B emerging as a front-runner, I can honestly say that the dude may have more redeeming qualities than just a batch of famous, lookalike brothers. (Plus, you know that Jack Donaghy would find a way to market that sweeper GE-style on TGS with Tracy Jordan.)
What a perfect Valentine’s Day episode, eh, PopWatchers? Last night’s Celebrity Apprentice came complete with passion, fire and — most of all — warm fuzzies. Yes, for the first time in Apprentice history, The Donald opted to fire none of Empresario’s team members, if only because they were just so gosh darn nice. And could you really blame The Donald’s decision? Once Project Manager Trace told Trump that he wouldn’t resign because he was fighting for his charity, you knew there was no way the mogul could resist the country star’s puppy dog eyes and fire anyone.
Of course, those warm fuzzies only existed in the episode’s final moments. Because as much as we would like to think that this week’s show was focused on charity, love and friendship, it really was focused on the two figures who define spite and cruelty: Omarosa (pictured) and Piers. Though I admittedly have been impressed with Omarosa and her restraint over the course of the season, all respect I had for the celebutard went out the window after last night’s show. We’ll touch on that some more later, but let’s start at the beginning, shall we?
After Omarosa avoided elimination last week in lieu of Nely’s ouster, we got a glimpse at her horns once she claimed she liked Nely, but knew exactly what she had to do to stay alive in the boardroom (and based on that cleavage-amping blazer she wore, I’d say she knows exactly how to capture The Donald’s affections). The girls may have no longer appeared to be a threat to Hydra — what with their five losses in six weeks — but that certainly didn’t keep the men from unleashing their regular tirade against women. It’s bad enough that Lennox let a sexist remark slip last week, but now Tito joined in the ribbing by saying he felt bad that Stephen Baldwin — who I will refer to as Stevie B from here on out — had to answer to four women.
Good news, PopWatchers: Both my cough and 100-degree fever have subsided, so I'll no longer be stuck in that bitter, flu-induced haze that last week kept me from enjoying what would probably be this season's best episode of Celebrity Apprentice. The bad news is that this week's show didn't quite measure up to the others in the drama department, even though it did boast a fairly notable guest star and the return of George (!). Even the boardroom was tame. I was hopeful that Trump would open a can on Nely when she said she couldn't understand why the mogul couldn't get past Gene's "sacrifice" for her three weeks ago (her words: "Get over it." Girl has got some cojones!). Instead, The Donald quietly fired the television producer, something he seemed to be itching to do ever since Gene's ouster. Not that she should have necessarily gone home over Omarosa, who's raking up quite a tally when it comes to losses. But could Celebrity Apprentice's producers really let go of Omarosa, especially after she poured that drink on Piers' head?
Aside from Omarosa's smack talk and Piers' snippy comments, has the cutthroat spirit of The Apprentice lost its way this season? Granted, it's nice that our celebrities are competing to win money for their charities, but, with the exception of last week, Celebrity Apprentice is beginning to feel like a more like a telethon than a drama-fueled hour of intense competition. Our cast members are dropping in and out from week to week (last week Tito had to attend a fight; this week Stephen Baldwin (right) skipped out to talk at a church), and they hardly even seem up to preserving the air of competitiveness. Not only that, but when Piers (left) called Lennox out on his poor managerial skills, the boxer and his teammates simply laughed in agreement. And we know that Lennox is a nice guy, but since when does an Apprentice project manager make decisions democratically? Come on, you had to think that a few flurries dropped in hell when Omarosa asked Trump if she could opt out of choosing two teammates to be placed on the chopping block. Not that we should be too worried about a snowstorm a-brewin' in the underworld. Empresario's project manager did manage to whip out her trademark fangs throughout the episode, even if only for a few minutes during the episode's first few minutes.
Okay, so could last night have been any worse? Not only was I nursing a fever and was forced to miss Lost’s premiere in order to blog about The Celebrity Apprentice (oh, to have TiVo), but NBC also decided to punish all of us TV watchers by giving us not one, but two hours of this sad excuse for television entertainment (please, oh please let the rumored upcoming end to the writers’ strike be true!). So please forgive me, PopWatchers, if this week’s recap is brief and a bit joyless. Because if anything can suck the life out of me more than the flu, it’s Celebrity Apprentice.
On the upside, however, last night’s episode wasn’t short on drama (a welcome change from last Thursday’s snoozer). Not that we really needed two hours of petty conflict, but let’s face it: Trump is usually prone to overindulgence. And though it was a letdown to wait two hours only to see Vinnie’s resignation, I have to give the producers major props for toasting the actor’s ouster with a Journey classic and a cut to black. Oh, don’t stop believing, Vinnie.
Last night’s challenge was to create a campaign to raise awareness about Crocs’ shoe-recycling program. On the men’s side, Hydra once again decided to use Lennox "I Like Cats" Lewis as their campaign figurehead, proving that their creativity might be wearing thin. But before we delve into the men’s plans, why don’t we give three cheers for our favorite boxer? Lennox certainly made more of a contribution this go-round than just stating his affection for the cute kitties, but it was Trace who ultimately created Hydra’s slogan of choice: “Wear Them, Share Them.” And as much as we might question the team’s originality, one has to admit that Piers’ ultimately ill-conceived plan to send Vinnie to infiltrate Empresario as a mole was quite clever.
Well, we should have figured as much. After last week's episode ended with a promo for a gasp-worthy Celebrity Apprentice set to air in two weeks, it should have been obvious that this week's show would be a snoozer. Though the episode boasted its fair share of great cameos — Bob Saget! Vince McMahon! Sir Richard Branson's voice! — there wasn't much else to thrill viewers, save Piers (pictured) sacrificing his dignity for the sake of TV by dressing as a Spamalot character. (Then again, Trump has dressed up as a giant pizza for television, so what the heck. When in Rome, Piers.) The challenge was nearly identical to our celebrities' first challenge, except that this time we saw David Hyde Pierce hawking Broadway tickets instead of Jenna Jameson eating hot dogs (my heart goes out to all you teenage boys). The group dynamics were relatively calm and void of much-needed drama. The boardroom was as dull as a Flintstones sequel (I'm looking at you, Stephen). Even this week's ousted contestant was a bit of a bore. Yep, turns out our Olympic gold medalist Jennie embraced too much of her inner nicey-nice pageant queen to thrive in Trump's world, so The Donald had no choice but to call her out.
Before we get into all the nitty gritty details of last night's show, however, I have to ask: Is it me, PopWatchers, or is there something in the water at Celebrity Apprentice that turns the entire cast into rampant sexists? Sure, I expected a subtle jab at women from Vincent "Didja know I was in The Sopranos?" Pastore, and Lord knows The Donald has never been a poster boy for the women's movement, but even Nely managed to insult her own sex by claiming that women are afraid to raise their voices and call high-powered friends for favors. This assertion was not quite as sexist as a 27 Dresses trailer, but it was sexist nonetheless. Granted, this is Nely we're talking about, and we all know she's not the brightest bulb of the bunch. After all, she did think that Gene took a bullet for her last week, when he so obviously sacrificed himself to distance himself from this heinous program. But I'm sure Gene likes you, Nely. He really, really likes you.
I never thought I would say this, but thank God for The Celebrity Apprentice. Just one week ago, my beloved 30 Rock aired its final episode filmed prior to the strike, and I was not prepared to let go of my Jack Donaghy just yet. But luckily, last night, Alec Baldwin showed up to lend support to his brother, and honestly, could he have been any more hilarious? His single minute of airtime proved more entertaining than the collective work of the rest of our "celebrities." His false enthusiasm about ink and his assertion that "There's no one more full of crap than Stephen" made up some of the night's funniest moments, and his appearance even spurred Piers to proclaim that Alec "showed everyone what a real Baldwin is." Ouch. I know the show is setting up Piers to be the villain of the season, but when the man speaks the truth, could you really hold it against him?
Along with the episode's good moments, however, come the bad, and last night's worst moment was in its final minutes. Yes, the tongue-wagging, semi-sexist and ever-quotable Kiss frontman got the boot, leaving behind a string of memorable moments. Hey, not everyone can voice their support of children with AIDS and still sound like that pervy guy who hangs out at the local pool with a bundle of roofies in his back pocket. But now, merely three weeks into this proverbial dead horse of a show, we lost the most interesting and watchable contestant in all of Apprentice history (my heart goes out to the producer currently sobbing in a closet somewhere).
Well, at least last night’s episode of The Celebrity Apprentice cleared up one thing: Nadia Comaneci actually does exist. One week after she was relegated to the background by the show’s producers, the Olympic gymnast made her presence known this week, only to get the boot for having virtually no presence. Not that The Donald’s choice to fire Nadia was necessarily the correct one: Usually a challenge that failed because of poor execution would lead to the firing of someone who actually worked on the production side of things. Not this time.
That's because the real reason the women lost was empty-belly syndrome, a malady that leads to overacting and fatuously coordinated apparel. But let’s look at the plus side of Nadia’s ouster: At least we won’t have to spend any more time reading those pesky subtitles. Because, let’s face it, if you’re watching The Celebrity Apprentice, you’d rather get a Lennox Lewis jab to the face than have to read those distracting words rolling across the bottom of the screen.
Dubious elimination aside, however, last night’s episode boasted a task
that was an improvement over last week’s who-has-the-richest-friends
challenge. This time, the teams were instructed to use their
skills as kinda sorta celebrities to create 30-second commercial spots
for Pedigree’s adoption drive. Hitting things professionally and/or
acting opposite Danny DeVito usually doesn’t prepare you for a future
in marketing—and it gave us viewers a chance to see who actually had
the goods and who merely had an expansive Rolodex. On the women’s side,
Telemundo exec Nely Galán took the reins as
project manager, while the men chose Gene Simmons (pictured) as their leader, even though
Lennox Lewis likes cats.
Oh boy. He just couldn’t help himself. After a lackluster sixth season of The Apprentice, Donald Trump decided to pulverize the proverbial dead horse by launching yet a "star"-studded edition of television’s most tired reality show. And though last night’s premiere of The Celebrity Apprentice wasn’t nearly as bad as I'd anticipated, how did a show best known for its hilariously combative nature manage to utilize its cast of supersized personalities to such milquetoast effect?
On a more positive note, though, The Apprentice—and let’s face it, the entire Trump empire—is famous for its classlessness, and the premiere sure did manage to deliver on that front. Between Trump’s opening salvo denying our celebrities human qualities (they’re simply commodities now), to his inquiries into Tito Ortiz’s personal life, the trashiness quotient was high. And considering the show's primary competition in this strike-addled world is VH1’s Top Model marathon, I fear I might already be just a little hooked.
Of course, the casting of these so-called “successful" celebrities (uh—Stephen Baldwin?) is not the only change on this season of The Apprentice. This year, contestants are not vying for a job, but are rather playing for their respective charities. And in a world where one of the most popular television prizes continues to be a giant disco-ball trophy, it’s refreshing to see celebrities compete not just for career revival (hey, this is reality TV, after all), but also a good cause.
So who do we have here? Who was desperate brave enough to court verbal mockery and humiliation by one of the most undignified creatures television has ever seen?
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