Fox needs your help in finding 'The Beast'

Riddle me this, PopWatchers: Who should play The Beast? Now don't all answer "Paris Hilton!" at once, because I'm not speaking about Beelzebub, the role the socialite/"singer" was born to play, but rather, an entirely different beast -- the titular protagonist of Fox's upcoming comedy pilot about an animal-hating, womanizing veterinarian (based on a British series of the same name). It's a promising premise, if you ask me, but only with the right actor in the role. I'd vote for handsome Aussie Simon Baker, who made sociopathy seem roguishly charming on CBS' ill-fated Smith, and who has the talent and magnetism to carry a show on his own. (Here he is, second from left, with Smith accomplices Jonny Lee Miller, Franky G, and Ray Liotta.) Option B: How about Alias veteran David Anders? Admit it: Even when his Sark was involved in globe-endangering shenanigans, his lightly flirtatious vibe with Jennifer Garner's Sydney was kinda irresistible. Or would you prefer someone else as The Beast? Quick! Before Fox casts Eric Balfour!

Things That Make Me Die Inside (Vol. 9)

How do you take a lousy idea and make it worse? If you're CBS and the Muncie, Indiana Police department, you give guns (yes, guns!) and badges to Erik Estrada, La Toya Jackson, Wee Man, and Jack Osbourne, then you start offering cash and clothing incentives to criminals so they'll sign waivers to show their faces on your reality show. Yes, PopWatchers, that's the latest scoop on Armed and Famous, a series that is totally turning me into my mother. "It's all fun and games till somebody loses an eye!"

Seriously, though, Indiana's Star Press reports that some Muncie leaders are "concerned that the show's celebrity cops are taking advantage of low-income residents -- and possibly targeting the neighborhoods they live in." And according to the attorney of one arrested gent who was promised $400 for signing the Armed and Famous release, his client has thus far only received a shirt with the slogan, "I got arrested by a celebrity and all I got is this lousy T-shirt." Classy!

Anybody want to help me tally the levels of wrong in this story? Providing firearms to cast members of Jackass and CHiPs? Exposing HDTV viewers to close-ups of La Toya Jackson? Cash for criminals? Canceling Smith while greenlighting this heinoustry? I leave it to you to continue the countdown in the comments section below.

CBS: How to lose '3 Lbs.' in one day!

For all four dozen of you who've been watching CBS's new brain-surgery drama (starring Stanley Tucci), I regret to inform you, it's gone the way of previous time-slot occupant, Smith. In other words, it's fini, kaput, dunzo. Personally, I couldn't bring myself to watch 3 Lbs. I made it through the first 90 seconds of an episode last week, but quickly began to experience numbness in my arms, legs, and soul. (It didn't get the heart of EW's TV critic racing, either.) Did I miss out on a never-to-be-discovered gem, PopWatchers? Or did I make the right decision to shut it off and go purge my closet of dreaded wire hangers? All must be revealed in the comments section below.

'Smith' lives! (Well, sort of)

When CBS decided to cancel its sleek, addictive crime drama Smith after just three episodes, it was (for me) the equivalent of having my dentist suddenly tear out a healthy tooth in the middle of a routine checkup. That is to say, the experience seemed as painful and unexpected as it was pointless. But now, weeks later, I'm finally getting my Novocaine: The Salt Lake Tribune's TV blog reports that Smith's four unaired episodes are streaming at CBS.com. So, anybody else going to join me this weekend in watching 'em online?

Today in Fall TV Deathwatch

They're dropping like flies I tell ya! And by ''they,'' of course, I'm referring to the fall crop of freshman series that are being shot down, one by one, by the network execs who treat them like little more than skeet whizzing through the airwaves. It's enough to make a blogger want to cry. Or at least my colleague Gary Susman and me. Check out our IM conversation/therapy session from this afternoon.

Slezak (4:42:34 PM): So did you hear, it looks like NBC is pulling the plug on Kidnapped and burning off the remaining episodes on Saturday nights. I'm so glad I emotionally disengaged when the pilot episode tanked in the ratings
Susman (4:43:42 PM): I wonder if that's why so many fall shows, especially serial dramas like Smith and Studio 60, are having trouble: People don't want to commit, lest they get burned again.
Slezak (4:44:30 PM): Wait, Smith? Smith is in trouble?
Susman (4:44:51 PM): Yeah, CBS is yanking it and airing reruns of CSI and Criminal Minds starting Tuesday.
Slezak (4:45:09 PM): NOOOO! I already gave Smith my heart! DAMMIT!
Susman (4:46:04 PM): You going to be okay?
Slezak (4:46:21 PM): I don't know. It's like when you start dating someone really great, and then suddenly they don't return your calls. Do you think Studio 60 is setting you up to break your heart? It's been bleeding viewers over its first three weeks.
Susman (4:46:54 PM): I'm worried! I already have such mixed feelings about the show. I can't decide if I'll be disappointed that audiences didn't stick with it, or that Aaron Sorkin didn't have time to figure out how to make the comedy parts work.
Slezak (4:47:18 PM): I hear you...I've watched the first three episodes, and while the show is flawed, it's 1,000 times better than CSI: Miami.
Susman (4:47:40 PM): Then again, maybe I'll just be relieved that I can free up my Monday nights. Though I'm having fun writing about it in my TV Watches.
Slezak (4:47:36 PM): That's the thing, my DVR is so packed, something has to give at some point.
Susman (4:47:55 PM): If only it had been unambiguously good, it might have been a hit.

‘Smith’: When good kittens do bad things

Maybe it was because I was a little groggy from a dose of NyQuil last night (I’m fighting a nasty chest cold…waah!), but I was a little stumped by the use of kittens to override the military security system on last night’s episode of the highly addictive Smith. Yes, I understand the boys had to trip the alarm system five consecutive times to shut it down, but didn’t you find it a tad far-fetched that none of the soldiers at the military base thought to investigate the source of the sudden and frequent appearance of infant felines? No matter, though, I’m not going to complain too bitterly about the pairing of Jonny Lee Miller and small furry creatures. How do you say adorable in British?

Of course, when I first caught sight of sociopathic Jeff (Simon Baker, pictured) slipping Kitty No. 1 under that chain-link fence, I worried he was using it to trigger some kind of land mine or explosive device. Could Jeff be the most unapologetically amoral character on TV? And don’t you just love watching him? Even from behind his plastic mask during last night’s main set piece, you could see his sinister anticipation of shooting up that armored truck. You know deep down dude was bummed that both of the security guards ducked.

'Smith': Why am I rooting for these people?

Midway through episode 2 of CBS's Smith last night, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I mean, there I was, watching a group of violent, amoral thieves trying to outwit righteous law-enforcement officers, and who was I rooting for? But then I got distracted by Jonny Lee Miller's lovely jaw, and I didn't care anymore if my enjoyment of this intriguing new drama makes me a bad person.

Anyhow, there are more important questions to ponder. Like, what's Hope's story? Did she somehow find that list of phone numbers during her gripping search through Bobby's drawers, or was her blasé ''Anyone we know?'' comment while watching the news report about the hard-drive thefts a tipoff that, at some point, she was more intimately involved with hubby's associates? And while we're talking about Hope, isn't it amazing how Virginia Madsen (pictured) takes what could be a thankless concerned-wife role and imbues it with so many delicious possibilities?

Snap judgment: CBS's 'Smith'

Darn you to heck, CBS. Just when I was hoping to streamline my Tuesday-night TV schedule, you go and give me the wickedly addictive Smith, a drama with characters as compelling as they are reprehensible. So what if our first glimpse of Simon Baker's Jeff is watching him cold-bloodedly gun down two dudes on a beach? Or if Amy Smart's Annie makes our acquaintance while committing credit-card fraud? I'm giving Smith a permanent spot on my DVR schedule, and if that makes me a bad person, well at least when I get to hell, it'll be populated by jaw-dropping hotties like Virginia Madsen and Jonny Lee Miller.

Seriously, though, the whole hour was fresh and slick and gorgeously acted -- and a welcome relief from CBS' standard-issue crime procedurals. I especially love how Ray Liotta's Bobby can't look Madsen's Hope in the eye when he's discussing his "business trips." And the menacing authority in Shohreh Aghdashloo's every line reading. So what say you, PopWatchers? Are you on board with Smith, too? Or are you going to ignore it and let it go the way of The Threshold?

Snap Judgment: CBS' 'Smith' posters

First things first: I've seen the pilot for CBS' new thieves-in-suburbia drama, Smith, and it's good -- so good, in fact, that it's earned an early slot on my fall DVR slate. I guess that's why I was so taken aback when I encountered CBS' weird new promotional poster for the show while exiting the subway this morning. Why use an eerie mask hovering over Ray Liotta's eerily disembodied face to drum up interest in a slickly produced ensemble that grabs and holds your attention for almost every second of its opening hour? Why not play up the presence of the always appealing Virginia Madsen, Simon Baker, Shohreh Aghdashloo, Franky G, and Amy Smart? Am I missing something here? Is anyone out there digging this poster? Or, like me, are you thinking "Do over!"?