PSA: Please, Lil Wayne, put the guitar down

Respectfully,

Your fan Simon

Do you 'get' (just arrested) Kanye's 'Love Lockdown'?

he sound so out of breath half the time? Finally, I'll be damned if I can figure out why he's decided to "sing" for an entire track instead of gracing us with a single line of rap — or giving this track to an actual singer. Look, far be it from me to criticize a musician for going outside of his or her lane. The Love Below is a really cool record; I've got no problem with rappers turning singers, if they can actually craft a listenable song that way. But Kanye's no André 3000 in that department. It's just not working for me, to the point where I still feel like there's something I'm not "getting" about this song.

Right now I'm holding out hope that this is just a demo of some sort. Maybe Kanye will sound less sleepy on the real thing. And maybe I'll see the light on "Love Lockdown" after a few more days of listening. But it's certainly isn't grabbing me anywhere near the way the first teaser singles from Kanye's last three albums did. You tell me: Am I wrong here? Is there something I'm missing about "Love Lockdown"? (Also, on a semi-sorta-related note: Whoa, Kanye was apparently just arrested at an L.A. airport on vandalism charges after allegedly smashing a paparazzo's camera? I got no comment on that right now, except for an emphatic "Wha'happen?!" and my well-wishes to Kanye.)

Do you prefer your movie theaters empty or full?

Heath Ledger (pictured) was just voted the summer's best movie villain in a Moviefone poll, which immediately caught my attention, because I finally saw The Dark Knight last weekend and Ledger's riveting performance was still fresh in my mind.

What took me so long to see it? (1) I refuse to camp out and wait for anything these days, and (2) I loathe watching blockbuster movies from an angle that requires a periscope and/or several successive sessions with my chiropractor. Thus, I finally got around to seeing The Dark Knight last weekend in a dilapidated multiplex in Brooklyn. I got there just in time for the previews, settled into one of the primo handicapped seats in the house (extra legroom! free Goobers courtesy of the patron at the 5:30 screening!), accompanied by maybe 20 other people in the theater, including Annie Barrett. (Not really.) My friend Richard, who had seen Knight along with the 86,000,000,000 other fans its opening weekend, came with me, as the first time he saw it, the guy behind him wouldn't stop laughing, very very loudly, at EVERYTHING, even the parts that were downright creepy. So Richard wanted to see it again, minus the accidental soundtrack.

Upshot: We got great seats in a perfectly silent theater. But then again, such a lax moviegoing method occasionally backfires. I become a bit of a conversation Nazi when a movie I haven't yet seen crops up in conversation with friends, or I cover my ears and go, "la la la la," which always goes over really well. And I miss out on the surge of adrenaline, the feeling of excitement that fairly crackles through a packed-to-capacity theater on opening weekend. And I voted for Tim Roth. (Not really.)

How about you, PopWatchers? Do you roll empty or full?

We'll now acknowledge Heidi Montag's new 'music' video

But only because Joel McHale's gone ahead and spoofed it:

Sorry, can't write anything else because I refuse to type that first name again.

Zachary Levi should be Band From TV's new lead singer

I say that as if I really care about Band From TV, which you might recall (unless you've been fortunate enough to block out that Idol Gives Back "Before He Cheats" performance) features actors James Denton, Greg Grunberg, Jesse Spencer, Bob Guiney, Bonnie Somerville, and Teri Hatcher. But here's the thing, I just watched this crappy clip (below) from a recent Netflix LIVE! On Location event in Los Angeles, where Chuck's Zachary Levi joined the group to duet with The Bachelor's Guiney on "The Letter," and I found myself actually wishing the sound quality was better.

Apparently, Hayden Panettiere, Adrian Pasdar (even hotter holding a guitar!), and Jorge Garcia also jam with the band. Watch Garcia take on "Mustang Sally" after the jump. Is he decent, or is that just a song it's impossible to screw up? (Note: Turn your volume down. Hayden's a screamer.)

'Teen Choice Awards' recap: So THAT'S why people worship the Jonas Brothers!

They can FLY. I had no idea! During last night's Teen Choice Awards, the dark 'n' stormy second coming of Hanson "hung out" above the crowd in a stunt almost as pointless as their steady stream of candid YouTube videos. I love how the one on the right (just looked it up: It's Kevin!!!) seems to be carefully mapping out a route through the watermelon-gum-infused ether of teens and their choices. The trio's flying was apparently "powered by the screams of teenage girls," but if that were true, they would have been up there the entire time, hoisted higher and higher every time Miley Cyrus barked out something bossy and petulant. Older man Rainn Wilson only had to mention the word "brothers" for the entire audience to start SCREECHING in anticipation. Alas, the Jonas Brothers (agggggggghhhhhhhhh!) have floated up to heaven, where they'll fit right in, because the sodas there really do cost $50.

Other Teen Choice highlights included repeated cuts to Jerry O'Connell (O'Connell Cam was to Teen Choice as Nicholson Cam is to the Oscars), Mariah Carey hitting the high notes just one shade lower than the tonal range only dogs can hear, and an award called -- seriously -- Choice MySpacer. (Something called a "Ryan Sheckler" won.) The winners are listed here, and this concludes the mini-est TV Watch in history. Leave your reactions to the show -- and creatively spelled shrieks because I used the word "brothers" three times -- in the comments. (Cranky complaints beginning with "When I was a kid..." will also suffice.)

Gordon Ramsay says the 'P' word on 'The F Word'

Thankyouthankyou, Gordon Ramsay, for providing me the opportunity to delve into one of my favorite topics: Censorship! But first, a quick test. Let's see if you can figure the lyrics to a song I've typed out in part below, leaving certain letters to the imagination.

Shut t your f---ing face, uncle f---er / You are a c---s----ing, a--licking uncle f---er.

Even if you're not familiar with South Park the movie, chances are you figured it out the cuss words, yeah? It doesn't take a PhD in comp lit to read (literally) around the lines.

Well then: I bring this point to bear on the issue of Mr. Ramsay and his notoriously dirty mouth. The hot-tempered chef is in trouble across the pond, this time for saying the name of a suggestively named product (a new energy drink, pictured, that's supposedly favored by the likes of Mark Ronson and Jay-Z) in a suggestive way on last night's episode of The F Word. Here's the transcript below, minus the suggestive language.

Ramsay:  "It's got some natural energy in the P---y…go on…taste your P---y. Do you like the P---y, was that good?"

Supposedly U.K.'s Channel 4 received tons of complaints following this blue repartee. All I have to say is, come ON, people! The show is called The F Word, for f---'s sake! Foul language is Ramsay's trademark! How funny would George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television" routine have been had it consisted of bleeps and dashes? And how effective is bleeping, anyway? (Exhibit A: Denise Richards and her C U Next Tuesday slip o' the tongue which aired recently on E!.) I say let Ramsey say what he will, and tune out if the language rankles you. You agree?

Things That Make Me Die Inside: Optimum commercial

It's hard to pinpoint what, exactly, about the ubiquitous Optimum Online Triple Play commercial eats away at my insides with the most fervor. The pirates? The mermaids? The dragon/lobster hybrid? The random cast of characters emerging from the deep like illegals attempting to evade the border on Weeds? The alarming amount of crack that whoever came up with the "jingle" inhaled during the three seconds it took him to come up with this? No. It's that I will forever know the toll-free number for Optimum Online. BY HEART.

You do have to admire the way a crashing wave signifies the '8!' after three fin thrusts mark out '4-4-4.' Oh wait, no you don't.

'America's Got Talent' recap: Queen Emily rescues the hyperbole-fest

Fifty-five million people agree…America's Got Talent was on last night!

We started this week of brazen hyperbole back in New York (again) after six weeks of tryouts. Don't ask me when we're going to get to the actual season. Check back in November and we might be on our fifth trip back to Atlanta. First up was the woeful Perry Zanett, self-proclaimed "Greatest Actor this country has ever had." He ran his monologue right into poor Yorick's grave, and the next 10 minutes worth of acts weren't much better, which got me wondering if there's anyone undiscovered and talented left in New York. Really? No one? There was a really good barbershop quartet on the subway yesterday, where the hell were they?

Apparently the overwhelming lack of talent started playing games with the judges' minds, seeing how Ronny B., accurately dubbed a "strange little fellow" by Sharon, advanced to Vegas by giving the least sexy song-and-dance routine I've ever seen (embedded clip below, if you dare). Now don't get me wrong: I understand the joy of personal expression. So you go, Ronny B., dance your heart out. But please, make yourself happy in the privacy of your own home.

True or False: 'Mamma Mia!' edition

Swooning over Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia! (read Owen Gleiberman's C+ review here), my sister said, "When you look that good in linen, you don’t need to be able to sing.”

True or false?

Let's NOT discuss Hayden Panettiere's 'Wake Up Call'

Today, I shall not speak of Hayden Panettiere's new single and video for "Wake Up Call." Yes, I know we could all share a laugh about the Heroes star's goat bleat "whoa-oh-oh-ohs" and the song's Paris Hilton-lite "reggae" beat. Or we could talk about our common discomfort at watching the 18-year-old actress seductively swivel her hips, writhe her jeans over her visible red undies, and pull off an oddly accurate resemblance to Ashlee Simpson when she slips on that baggy black hoodie. But then we'd just be succumbing to the same bi-coastal media cabal that has given us a depressing baseline awareness of the "singing" careers of Heidi Montag, the sisters Simpson, and El Lohan Diablo.

So instead, let's turn our attention to Little Jackie's "The World Should Revolve Around Me," the hip, happening new single from the act's terrific recent release The Stoop. No surprise that I'm loving this track, since I'm a long-time fan of the solo work of Little Jackie lead singer/songwriter Imani Coppola, but seriously, I think if you take a moment and press play, you'll find you love it, too. (How can you not love a song with lyrics like, "I bide my time with philosophical questions/ Not for nothing/ But what came first/ The chicken nugget or the Egg McMuffin"?)

What say you, PopWatchers? How about we collectively decide that today is the day we take back the airwaves, and the conversation, to focus on music that moves and excites us, instead of gumming the latest gruel served lukewarm and tasteless off the celebu-powered assembly line? Let the revolution begin right here, right now!

'America's Got Talent' recap: Karate trumps Polka

Ah, America! Where the music is epic, the peaches are delicious, and there is a weekly fight to the death of dignity called America's Got 'Talent'. This week's episode journeyed to Atlanta and New York, for a veritable slurry of strength, talent, and all-out weirdness. Sadly, the first cut was the most undeserved: Billy Dodson sang a wonderful falsetto aria, yet was kicked off because, as the Hoff would put it, "this is America!" and we apparently can't have no man singing no woman’s part. (Ugh.) But we can have a 10-year-old girl beating up her father. Indeed, Alexandra 'Elite' Pyles whirled onto the stage with a combination of what seemed to be swing dancing, vaudeville slapstick and karate. And yelling. Lots of yelling. It was enough for the judges to give her a ticket to Vegas, with an added offer from the Hoff to be his bodyguard. I'm not entirely sure what that says about him, but watch the embedded clip below, and if you still have any will left to live, click through and read the rest of my recap, after the jump!

MySpace Karaoke = the best thing ever?!

Apparently, EW.com now has a Department of Karaoke, and Slezak is its secretary. Last week, he forwarded me an email announcing that Alanis Morissette is holding a contest on MySpace Karaoke (now through July 13). You press "record" and perform one of four tracks from her new album Flavors of Entanglement (read EW's B+ review here), then enter to win tickets to an Alanis concert and an autographed microphone. Alanis herself will pick the winner. Funny? Sad? Or Funny-sad? I can't decide.

BUT, when I went to MySpace Karaoke for "research," I poked around and stumbled onto Mychael With a Y!!'s awesomely bad rendition of Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" (pictured). You'll want to click this link, and stick it out until 1:07. You will not be sorry. I had to call people into my office to listen to it. It was that "good."

Anyone here use MySpace Karaoke? They've got Reba McEntire's "Fancy" with background vocals, and I've got a karaoke birthday party later this month to practice for ...

What's the worst song cover of all time?

Total Guitar magazine recently named Celine Dion and Anastacia's rendition of AC/CD's "You Shook Me All Night Long" (from 2002's Divas Las Vegas concert on VH1) as the worst song cover of all time. (Thanks to Popeater for the heads up.) As a rabid Anastacia fan who still can't understand the American songbird's lack of success in her home country -- the uninitiated should go directly to "Paid My Dues" without passing 'Go' or collecting $200 -- I had no choice but to write a blog item in her defense.

My pick for the world's worst cover would have to be Jessica Simpson's "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" (embedded after the jump). Bad enough that the Newlyweds star commits attempted sexy against Nancy Sinatra's 1966 classic using a wheeze/speak that's about as erotic as an asthma attack, but she also treats the song's saucy lyrics with all the care of a dock worker gutting a freshly caught tuna. Thus, genius turns of phrase such as "You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin'" and "I just found me a brand new box of matches" get replaced with bland references to Simpson's role in the related big-screen remake of TV's Dukes of Hazzard. Add an unfortunate "rap" interlude, the sullying of legend Willie Nelson's good name, and a video that pairs one of my favorite old-school female-empowerment anthems with footage of Simpson writhing suggestively against a suds-soaked motor vehicle, and, well, clearly I've done my duty of expunging the offending title from Anastacia's record.

Then again, perhaps you all have your own nominees for the all-time worst cover. List your choice in the comments section below, and because I like to be a little evil (especially on Mondays), I must insist that you limit yourself to one song, and one song only. Ready, set, reveal!

Amateur Night with pros Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane

I don't really ask too much from the artists that persist on my guilty pleasure playlist. The Pussycat Dolls have been in my good graces since the "Don’t Cha" days, and Danity Kane recently won me over with the addictive "Damaged." But I think it's time for me to make one request: stick to the recording studios and flashy music videos and leave my primetime TV watching alone. Thanks.

I'm not the only one who cringed witnessing Danity Kane screech through their performance on Monday night's Nashville Star (above) — and according to your PopWatch comments, your ears were bleeding too. What made it all more of a train wreck was the fact that anyone who performed before or after Diddy's ladies could and did sing better than the girl group. Sure, Gabe Garcia might not be able to pull off the pleather jumper quiet like Ms. O'Day, but that's what Celebrity Fit Club is for.

Heidi Montag's 'Fashion': Actual song or great cosmic joke?

The news of a fresh Heidi Montag single is the kind of brilliant pop culture non-event that we here at EW.com pray for with every breath. So imagine our squealing delight yesterday when we discovered that the ever-giving Ms. Montag had graced us (or more specifically, Us Magazine), with a new trashpop masterwork destined for internet infamy. "Fashion," a synth-stuffed ode to all things wearable, is Montag's third official single (after the bland "Higher" and the teary "No More"), but it's the first one that actually captures some of the vacuous giddiness that has made Heidi the most fascinating — and infuriating — of all the Hills gals. (We've embedded the track after the jump, but a warning to your ears and your soul: the song plays automatically as soon as the player loads.)

Musically, the song's beat is generic canned club-thump with a dash of the dollar-store production values usually reserved for Bratz commercials, but the lyrics are nothing short of mind-blowing (or mind-numbing, depending on your taste). Montag has always been surprisingly eloquent onscreen — even if she spends most of her breath on crazy victim-speak monologues about loving Spencer, needing space from Spencer, or loving and needing space from Spencer — but you'd never know it from the lines in this song, which include grammar-busting gems like: "I am, I'm too fabulous; I'm so fierce that it's so nuts." And once she's beaten the English language into an unrecognizable pulp, Heidi starts in on French, chanting designer names in a baby voice with an Inspector Clouseau accent. But hands down, the best part of the song comes early on at the eight-second mark when Montag, overcome with a pure jolt of self-love, simply shrieks her own name like a celebutante battle-cry, or a one-girl roll call for her own troop of self-tanned Mouseketeers. Am I the only one who thinks she might be better off ditching lyrics entirely and simply singing her own name over and over again to the melody?

You could throw pot shots at Montag till the cows come home, but really, no one could possibly skewer the woman better than she does herself with proclamations like, "I live to be model thin/ Dress me, I'm your mannequin." And while it would be fun to think that some of this is done with a wink, it seems unlikely that the girl we've watched morph from a fresh-faced Colorado kid to a surgically enhanced fame-seeking missile is actually in on the joke. She's her own number-one fan, which always makes her stabs at fame outside the reality TV world sad and funny in equal measure. And unfortunately, despite all its pumped-up production, the real beat underneath "Fashion" is the tick-tock of the 15-minute clock counting down Montag's tenure in pop culture.

Your turn, PopWatchers. Give the song a listen after the jump, and then decide: Is "Fashion" a faux-pas, or has Heidi finally found her style?

When rock stars attack!

The Limewire blog has compiled a collection of YouTube clips that capture rock stars' less-than-composed moments. But before you peep, be forewarned — angry rock stars are more likely than not to use unladylike language, so very few of these are SFW. A few choice vids: Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz gets embroiled in a mob scene that looks — and sounds — downright scary, while KISS's Paul Stanley segues from a ballad (he ends it with a sincere "God bless you all!") to, "Hey schmuck! Take the laser out one more time and I'll put it right up your ass! Promise." (The "promise" is my favorite part — as if anyone would question a threat posed by a man wearing Spandex and platform boots.)

One PG-13 exception here is Björk, captured below in an infamous 1996 incident at a Bangkok airport. She's greeted by a British journalist, who tells the pop star, "Welcome to Bangkok," and Bjork's reply is a left uppercut, followed by some hair pulling. (Björk's record label later claimed that the reporter had been pestering her for days.)

Have you ever witnessed a rock star meltdown? Or a brawl at a rock show? Share!

Spot Inspection: Your current karaoke set list

A man in Wilmington, NC recently set a new Guinness World Record for the most continuous hours of karaoke singing. He sang for 39 hrs. and 2 mins., besting the previous record by just over an hour. While my first thought was, I wonder what instrumental breaks he used for trips to the men's room, my second thought was almost as practical: How do you come up with a 39-hr. set list?
In case any of you are pondering your own run at the record, I say we all list our current karaoke set lists below for pillaging. I just happened to karaoke earlier this week, and debuted all-new material. (Sorry, Pat Benatar and Bon Jovi. But I'll be back!)

• Duran Duran's "Wild Boys": I'm all about the murder (murder murder) echo, and any excuse to visualize Simon and John sharing a mic. (HOT.) 
• Cyndi Lauper's "Change of Heart": Why doesn't she do the hiccup during the second chorus? S---, I should have asked her when I sat down with her recently on the set of As the World Turns.
• Bel Biv DeVoe's "Do Me": There is a special place reserved in your brain for those raps, too, I'm sure.
• Aerosmith's "Cryin'": My new favorite karaoke song, but it comes with a three-drink minimum.
• Mandy Moore's "Candy" (below): A nice alternative to Britney.

• Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back to Me Now": Honestly, if I didn't have neighbors, I would belt this song out every night as a stress reliever.

Your turn.

What are the worst TV theme song lyrics ever?

TV Squad has compiled a list of five of the TV theme songs with the worst lyrics (complete with cringeworthy credit clips). All worthy selections, but let's dig deeper, shall we? The worst TV theme song lyrics of all time belong, of course, to Star Trek — what, you didn't know the Trek theme (from the original 1966-69 series) had lyrics? It did, written by series creator Gene Roddenberry himself (and apparently over the objections of composer Alexander Courage), but they were never used; Roddenberry apparently wrote them only so he could grab half the publishing royalties. Anyway, thank your lucky starships that you've never heard anyone sing Roddenberry's Trek lyrics because they're horrible enough to be used as a weapon against the Romulans.

But I suppose we can't count lyrics that didn't actually burrow into your eardrums while you were watching the credits. I'd also nominate the lyrics for That Girl (sorry, Earle Hagen), but thankfully, the show dropped them early on for the bouncier, jazzier instrumental arrangement of the theme. The Patty Duke Show theme is also filled with howlers ("A hot dog makes her lose control"), but at least it fits the sitcom's premise ("They're cousins, identical cousins..."). So I'll go with the "Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs" closer from Frasier (pictured), a show I otherwise like, but whose ending theme* grates on my ears every time I hear it. I mean, what does this non-sequitur lyric have to do with the show, anyway? (That teeth-gnashing "eggs/pegged/eggs" rhyme doesn't help.) Plus, the melody lurches every which way like a seasick drunk on a cruise ship in a squall. It's a perfect excuse to mute your TV, especially since Frasier's final gag is always performed in pantomime anyway.

Let's hear your worst TV theme lyric suggestions below. (Clip URLs are appreciated.)

*Speaking of crazy ending themes, has anyone ever deciphered the lyrics to the closing theme of WKRP in CIncinnati? I like this song, but who the hell can make out the words?

Scarlett Johannson's SoundScan numbers are in, and they're not pretty...

This feels sorta like rubbing salt in a wound at this point, but let it not go unnoticed: Scarlett Johannson's "Ouch! That was my ear!"-worthy album of Tom Waits covers, Anywhere I Lay My Head, sold a grand total of 5,000 copies in its first week (h/t). To provide a little context, that means that this world-famous movie star's music attracted two thousand less buyers than a collection of Dresden Dolls B-sides, and about a quarter as many as a pseudonymous Green Day side project. Even in these woeful times for CD sales, that's pretty pitiful.

I'd say this is evidence that we music critics really do hold some kind of sway over the cultural marketplace, after all, but super-buzz machines like the Ting Tings and the Cool Kids sold even less than Scarlett last week. But hey, who cares about album sales anyway? S.Jo's an artist, man. Someday in a few decades, a kid is going to dig out Anywhere I Lay My Head and shake his or her head at all of us who mocked those growly Waitsisms. Maybe. Or don't you think so? Check out the video below and let us know.

Jessica Simpson is NOT the new Shania

I was trying to pretend that Jessica Simpson's country album wasn't happening, but Slezak just made me listen to the single, "Come On Over" (below), because he wasn't man enough to do it himself.

If Simpson's people try to market her — suddenly all brunette and fond of form-fitting flannel — as the next Shania Twain, I will be forced to hurt someone. Shania has a voice, soul, and love for exclamation points that is pure country. (She also has a better song titled "Come On Over.") If this track is any indication, Simpson's country album will be as unnecessary as we thought it might be.

Keeping YouTube terrorist-free

So, according to this article in Federal Computer Week, Sen. Joe Lieberman has urged YouTube to pull down videos posted by Islamist terrorist groups, as well as to tighten its submission policies. And YouTube has politely told the senator to go stuff it. Say, did you even know that there were terrorist videos on YouTube? My favorites include the one where the baby panda sneezes so hard it explodes, the one where a training camp full of terrorists dances in formation to Michael Jackson's "Beat It," and the one with that song "Chocolate Rain of Death." Of course, watching these viral vids may infect you with the urge to take up arms against the government and your fellow citizens, but that's a small price to pay for free streaming entertainment.

Heh. If there's any video I'm worried about that could encourage terrorism, it's the one below. A pampered Hollywood starlet being chauffeured around, having her hair and makeup done, snapping gum, being nuzzled by Salman Rushdie, and destroying a perfectly good Tom Waits song — why, it's enough to make anyone hate America.

Scarlett Johansson: Falling 'Flat'?

I loved Scarlett Johansson in Match Point and Lost in Translation -- so much, in fact, that I was willing to overlook her recent misfires, film adaptations of best-selling books The Nanny Diaries and The Other Boleyn Girl. I would patiently sit through six more train wrecks like The Island in anticipation for the next Ghost World. So, I guess you could say I love Scarlett Johansson, the actress. Unfortunately, I am not so taken with Scarlett Johansson, aspiring recording artist.

Disappointment doesn't adequately describe the letdown I felt after sampling a few Tom Waits cover tracks on her debut album, Anywhere I Lay My Head. I hadn't heard Scarlett Johansson sing since her 2006 stint as the host of SNL, and I vaguely recalled her rendition of ''Something To Talk About'' as ''alright.'' Not ''alright, someone get her a record deal.''

Actresses are dealt some of the most brutal critical backlash, deserving or no, for their seemingly flighty forays into the music biz. So I admire Johansson for singing, or sort of moaning off-key for several beats too long, in the face of adversity. And if it's hard to successfully transition from actress to musician, it's even harder to tackle a folk legend like Tom Waits. Waits croons with raw emotion and his voice has such distinct grit, but it's a sound that's either poorly imitated or missing entirely from Johansson's covers. She's shown such emotional depth on-screen that it's almost disconcerting to hear her sing with a hollow, lifeless quality.

Should Scarlett stick to her film gigs or is this just the start of her music career? Check out a few performances over at AOL Music and let us know what you think!

PopWatch Confessional: Which seminal band makes you seminauseated?

It's been nearly 48 hours since I last touched the dead grass of the Empire Polo Fields in Indio, PopWatchers, but after two consecutive weekends of music festival goodness, I'm having a hard time letting go. Specifically, I can't get over the pained reactions from several of you Pink Floyd fans to my dismissal of Roger Waters' set at Coachella. It seems you come out in force to defend your rock gods: My friend and picnic-table companion Maura faced the same rage after her post over on Idolator, and even Willman's informed, articulate critique here led to howling.

So I got to thinking: Surely I'm not the only one who can't make it all the way through the pretentious muddle of Dark Side of the Moon (pictured), thought "Another Brick in the Wall Pt. 2" was barely listenable even before classic rock stations beat it to death with the over-programming stick, and never once spent any time staring at a blacklight poster while playing "Mother" on repeat and crying a little because it's just so deep, man. Of course, from an objective standpoint, I can recognize the talent/craft involved; I can even occasionally tolerate "Wish You Were Here" — although nine out of ten times I mistake it for "I Wish It Would Rain Down." And yes, I understand the Pink Floyd influence on several of the groups I legitimately enjoy today. But do I have to actively like and/or be exposed to Pink Floyd in order to have this understanding? Ugh. Please. No.

Your turn, PopWatchers: What seminal band (or solo artist) can you not stand? Now's the time to get it off your chest. And hey, you can be anonymous, so one ever need know you secretly harbor a passionate hatred for the Beatles and everything those demented Liverpudlians* stood for! Let it out!

*Not my actual opinion

We listened so you don't have to: The 'Idol' songwriting competition

Michael Slezak: So Adam, it's the final day of voting for the American Idol Songwriting competition. You ready to dive into the land of "I Believe This Is My Moment Like This Inside Your Now"? (Ew.)
Adam B. Vary: Yes. And thank you for diving with me — last year I think I was the only one on staff to listen to (and rate) all 20 songs in the Idol competition, and while I correctly predicted that "This Is My Now" was the only song that was even near "good" enough to win, it nearly killed me.
Slezak: I cannot even begin to fathom how heinous those other 19 songs sounded.
ABV: I seem to recall one or two that were about suicide. By the way, you gotta register first before you can vote.
Slezak: Gack.
ABV: I know. Because voting for the finale song needs to be fair and scientific. Whereas speed dialing for the actual winner of the show is totally fine.
Slezak: Indeed! Okay, just got the confirmation email. So first up: "When You Come from Nothing." No effing way I am voting for a song with that title.
ABV: So this woman's stuck in the crowd, but won't give in to her doubts. Or doubts in general.
Slezak I have doubts about my ability to get through 19 more songs. Shall we move on?
ABV: You've got to believe in something when you come from nothing, Slezak.
ABV: Having heard the 20 mostly ballad-y songs from last year, I'm actually gonna give this poor downtrodden lady 5 stars (out of 10) for being uptempo.
Slezak: I give it one star.
ABV: You're gonna be wishing for negative ratings soon.

McCain Girls exposed

Last week, PopWatch gave a shoutout to the McCain Girls, whose music videos in support of John McCain's presidential campaign were so laughably inept yet train-wreck compelling that we couldn't figure out if they were real, grass-roots viral vids or an elaborate, deliberately amateurish parody of same. Well, now we know, thanks to the Comic's Comic blog, which figured out that the video was actually the brainchild of the comedy pros at 23/6, about four days before the New York Times got the 23/6ers to acknowledge it. (Disclosure: Comic's Comic is run by Sean L. McCarthy, who covered the Aspen Comedy Festival for PopWatch last year as a freelancer.) CC has an extensive interview with one of the creators; meanwhile, over at 23/6, they've owned up to their prank and have posted the elusive "Here Comes McCain Again" clip, which we promised you last week. Watch it below, if you dare.

We shouldn't feel bad; even McCain himself was fooled. Still, does it mean we've entered a new era when the line between reality and parody has been irretrievably blurred? And if so, is that good or bad? Philosophize below, PopWatchers.

Memo to Robin Williams: Please, make it stop!

The lameness, that is. I'm talking, of course, about his abysmal cameo on last night's Idol Gives Back special, where he played the "Russian Idol," complete with a pathetic attempt at an Eastern European accent and some embarrassing "in my country" gags. The random user who added it to YouTube (below) titled it "VERY FUNNY Robin Williams On American Idol Gives Back 2008," which makes me wonder if this person is actually Robin Williams. Let me put this in the simplest terms possible: Mediocre Borat impressions from people who are not Sacha Baron Cohen are not funny anymore! (For that matter, neither are Brokeback jokes like the one Williams snuck in there — though apparently the studio audience loved that line, which probably says something about the maturity level of the people who show up for an Idol taping.) After forcing myself to endure that laughless slog again for this post, I'm feeling like I need some serious charity myself. Don't you?

'The Bachelor' recap: The dates the music died

Two observations:
A) These really ARE the craziest girls yet. :)
B) I no longer fancy the pants off Bachelor Matt Grant. :(

This episode was all about sharpening the claws on two group dates. The first outing called for Ashlee, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, Michelle, Amanda, Erin H., and Holly to model in Matt's own personal fashion show. "Watching my eight dates strut down the catwalk is arguably one of the best dates I've ever been on," he said. "But I didn't really get to speak to them much..." (Strike one.) Erin H. captured the general feelings of the girls when she said she was both excited and mortified. Beauty queen Marshana did a walk so fierce that it was unintentionally funny, while Holly purposely went for laughs with her moonwalk. (Well done.) Kristine said she'd rather jump out of an airplane than walk a runway, but rallied. (I'm happy she's sticking around because I genuinely look forward to the moment that she and Matt, you know, speak.) It was Leelee Ashlee, however, who earned herself the rose up for grabs because Matt felt a "connection"... and her knee as they sat on a bed and she "hinted" that she wanted to be kissed with the subtle line "I have been staring at your lips all day". (Strike two.) Ashlee's Happy Dance and exclamation of "It's mine!" upon receiving said rose was, possibly, one of the most childish things I've ever seen on The Bachelor — which is saying something. (When Marshana tells you to be humble???) We found out that Matt digs the singer-songwriter vibe when it comes in a hot, little, 22-year-old Jewel-like package (Ashlee). But is frightened by it when it sounds vaguely like Sondheim (Michelle) or opera (Carri).

Yes, I can no longer wait to get into the singing. Why do women think this is a good idea? Michelle (pictured), who played her clarinet on the first night, treated him to a song she wrote for "the Bachelor" on Day 2. Note: It took me three tries to play this scene without hitting the mute button. That's how awkward it was. "I want to find you/ I want you to find me/ I want to touch you/ I want you to touch me/ And I want to feel you/ I want you to feel me/ I want to find you, in front of me." Just... no. Matt ultimately sent Michelle packing, and she said was eager to get home and see her cat, the love of her life at the moment, because, "It'll be great to have her purr again." As EW's Kristen Baldwin e-mailed me this morning — because yes, the four of us on staff who still watch this show e-mail after every episode — "[Bachelor creator] Mike Fleiss is an evil genius. I mean he somehow finds women who are like, 'What's that, off-camera producer? You need me to have a post-rose ceremony meltdown about Fluffy so I can fully embody the single-women-are-crazy-cat-ladies stereotype? Sure!" I think Michelle is actually sane (and talented) but believed that she was put on that show for a reason, and it was to meet a man who'd be wooed by her musical ability. Same goes for "Tin Cup" Carri, the church marketing exec from Oklahoma, who tried to enchant him by singing opera before the rose ceremony but only managed to entrance me with her batting eyes and wide-open mouth (which could not have looked that pretty up-close).

After the jump... What happens in Vegas is that spoiled Shayne gets jealous.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, from the Muppets

Today's celebration of all things Irish wouldn't be complete without a rendition of "Danny Boy." Here's one, sung by three unlikely leprechauns. (Thanks to my colleague Mark Luckie for the tip.)

Britney and Heidi Montag Du-et All Wrong

Blogs are buzzing today that love-to-hate-'em blondies Heidi Montag and Britney Spears have collaborated on a new track called "Dramatic." (Seriously, could that be any more of a perfect title or what?).

But before you flip — like most of us EW folk did when we heard the news — it has been rumored that Brit Brit didn't give her OK on the song's release, and that she hadn't even known about it until the song leaked. (Apparently Heidi's vocals were dubbed onto an old Britney track.)

So I ask you, P-Dubs, now that you know the (supposed) truth behind the rumor, please tell us:

Is "Dramatic" a...

A. Song that should be played on the radio
B. Desperate cry for help
C. Collaboration you’d like to see more of
D. Candidate for a new Hills theme song 
E. Other

Vote now!

Accidentally singing in public: embarrassing or endearing?

This morning during my commute, I had Foreigner's "Hot Blooded" stuck in my head. I blame both American Idol (I'm still trying to decide just how bad of an idea it was for Robbie Carrico to sing it earlier this week) and this. Arriving at my stop, I was jolted from my public-transportation coma and back to reality, where, for a split-second, I was overcome with the fear that I'd accidentally sung or hummed a line aloud. (The rendition in my head had been that vivid, and the people sitting around me were now that quiet.)

I told PopWatch's Annie Barrett, pictured*, about my fear, and naturally, she didn't share it. She likes it when she finds herself or others spontaneously "boppin'" on the subway because they're that into their music. Sometimes, she'll even purposely mouth the words to a song she's listening to just because she enjoys watching other commuters play name that tune.

So, settle this debate: On a scale of 1 to 10, how embarrassing is it to be caught spontaneously singing in public?

* Both Annie and I would again like to thank the gentleman who saw us shooting this photo on the corner of 53rd and Broadway earlier today and offered to take the picture so I could be in it as well. You see, sir, Annie was being serious when she said, "Thanks, but we're deliberately doing it this way. It's a professional photo shoot."

Is it too soon to listen to Spin Doctors' "Two Princes" again?

So the other night, I was flipping through my Music Choice channels and Spin Doctors' "Two Princes" (below) was playing on the '90s station. I froze: Had enough time passed that I could enjoy the song again, or, 16 years after its release, were the damaging effects of extreme overplaying still present? While I won't be retrieving Pocket Full of Kryptonite from the bottom of the CD stack, where it currently resides, I did sind along. And there might have been some overhead clapping when they broke it down near the end. What's your verdict? Can you listen and enjoy it? (Like, I've been told, Brian Posehn recently did, covertly, on The Sarah Silverman Program. I also hear that a recent episode of Carpoolers revolved around Dougie winning tickets to a Spin Doctors concert.) Maybe this Sesame Street version of the song will be your antidote?

What's the longest you've banished a song from your personal airwaves due to overplaying?

'American Idol': The road to theme park attraction?

Disney's Hollywood Studios theme park in Florida will unveil an American Idol attraction later this year. How it'll actually work is yet to be determined, but it will likely involve multiple stage shows a day. Aspiring singers will audition before a live audience, including three judges who could be picked from the crowd. A daily winner could earn a priority spot in line when the Fox crew hits the audition road for the real Idol.

What would it take to get you there? The only way I'd sit through it is if you let me be one of the judges. Actually, I'd be too shy for that. You'd have to have Slezak be one of the judges, and allow me to sit right beside him.

You stop snickering about Paula Abdul right this instant!

I know you probably laughed (or maybe cried) (or shook your head incredulously) when you heard the news that Paula Abdul would be singing at this year's Super Bowl. But on the other hand, you probably haven't watched the video for "Straight Up" in a while either. So quit trying to resist the catchy! And let's be honest, whether she's great or an absolute train wreck, the viewing public wins!

Michael Slezak makes babies cry

Can this guy not sing or what?!

And get ready for Idolatry on Friday, January 18! You know you'll be on the Internet anyway. It's like all you ever do.

PopWatch petition: The Jessica Simpson country album must be stopped!

PopWatch wanted to pretend that we never read about Jessica Simpson's plans to release a country album in 2008, but news is so slow today that we're actually gonna discuss it.

Simpson recently told Billboard.com that, "I am a country girl. I grew up in Texas, and country music was what I listened to. I always wanted to make a country album, but I wanted to wait until the time was right." A couple thoughts:

1) Is the time "right" because her pop career has flatlined and her movie career will likely follow suit?

2) Country music fans typically don't take kindly to someone using their airwaves as a last resort. They need to believe you mean it. Speaking for myself: I accept Kid Rock because Hank Williams Jr. does. Jon Bon Jovi earned cred by dueting with Sugarland's Jennifer Nettles, and teaming for one of CMT's best Crossroads concerts. Kelly Clarkson is BFFs with her duet partner, Reba McEntire, and can sing the hell out of any Reba tune, and Reba knows it.

Jessica Simpson flubbing idol Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" at the taping of the 2006 Kennedy Center Honors just does not sound promising. And yes, Simpson is pals with Willie Nelson, but I saw Dukes of Hazzard, and it sucked so that connection is null and void.

Who— besides deejays wanting the opportunity to ogle Simpson in person—is eager to hear this album? And how can we stop it from happening?

Our nominee for worst lyric in recent memory: Janet Jackson's 'Feedback'

As we've already established, PopWatch generally approves of Janet Jackson's comeback single "Feedback."

However, Christine Fenno just pointed out that the song does include one of the most unfortunate lyrics of Ms. Jackson's career: "Cause my swag is serious/Something heavy like a first-day period."

(Pause for chuckling/gagging. Insert your own "Miss Jackson if you're nasty" joke here.)

Is this, as our headline suggests, the worst lyric in recent memory? Or, can you quote another line that tops it? Oh yeah, we totally dare you.

How (and how not) to sample Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson's Thriller: Great pop-soul album, or the greatest pop-soul album? There's a strong case to be made for the latter, no doubt — not that it's being helped any by the useless remixes MJ commissioned for Thriller's upcoming 25th-anniversary deluxe edition, many of which leaked to the 'nets this week. Check out Kanye West's limp twist on "Billie Jean":

Kanye's done some undeniably brilliant work with Jackson samples in the past — see his beats for Jay-Z's "Izzo" (which flipped the Jackson 5's "I Want You Back") and his own "Good Life" (Thriller's "P.Y.T."). Where'd that production genius go on "Billie Jean 2008"? I mean, it sounds fine, I guess — "Billie Jean" will always be an awesome song — but all 'Ye's added is a gratuitous boom-bap backbeat and some silly vocal adlibs ("Yeah... uh-huh... yeah-yeah-yeah... uh... number one!") Halfway through I started wondering if I had accidentally crossed into an alternate universe and cued up the song from this classic Onion story. ("'When I was in the studio mixing and recording, I decided 'Tha Kidd' would work best if I kept all the music and vocals from the original version and then didn't rap over it,' Combs said. 'So what I did is put in a tape with 'Billie Jean' on it, and then I hit record. The thing turned out great.'" Still funny!)

Snap Judgement: Ashlee Simpson's "Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya)" video

I'm not sure what it would take for me to get invested in Ashlee Simpson's musical career again. (A time machine?) The various big-name collaborators whose names have been bandied about for her upcoming CD — Robert Smith! The Neptunes! Erm, Kenna! — weren't quite doing it for me. Neither was her Timbaland-produced comeback single, the unfortunately-subtitled "Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya)"; the beat's catchy enough, I guess, but her vocals are sorta grating, and much though I'll always love Tim, dude's really gotta start looking into some new synth textures for '08.

But then! I saw the "Outta My Head" video when it premiered yesterday afternoon, and everything changed. Check it out for yourself, and click through to the jump to find out why:

Is Josh Groban in league with the Prince of Darkness?

And the biggest-selling CD of 2007 is...get ready...Josh Groban's Noël?! Yep, the adult-contemporary milquetoast outsold everyone else this year — and what's more, his inexplicable megasmash landed at number one on Billboard's albums chart again this week, which also makes it the first-ever Christmas album to top the chart for four straight weeks. Yeesh. High School Musical 2 would have been a way less embarrassing year-end champ.

How can this be? How on earth has Groban's latest beverage-coaster managed to defy the CD market's downward spiral? Well, let me put it this way. EW’s Chris Willman happened to notice that the thoroughly lame Noël sold exactly 669,000 CDs this week. That's just one inverted digit away from, you guessed it, 666,000. As Dana Carvey’s Church Lady might say: Could Groban's sales secret be...Satan?

I know some of you may think this is a bit of a stretch. But I’m standing behind this as the most important supernatural pop-culture revelation since PopWatch's Jason Adams found Rachael Ray’s cookbooks in the “Occult” section (speaking of which, she's been doing pretty well for herself this week, too!) and/or that guy on YouTube “proved” that all my favorite rappers were working for the infernal Illuminati. Who dares to disagree?

Revealing the 'Lost in Translation' whisper

Most days I love the Intarwub for it delivers all brands of strange goodness to my desktop. But then other days, I find stuff like this, a clip in which someone digitally enhanced the final scene of Lost in Translation so that they could make out precisely what Bill Murray whispers into Scarlett Johansson's ear.

I'm all for unearthing cinematic arcana and discovering insidery wonders, but I've gotta say, I think this is one secret best left unlearned. Because the way Sofia Coppola's film ends is magical, and the not knowing the content of that parting whisper is crucial to that magic. (I also don't want to know what's inside the Pulp Fiction briefcase or what James T. Kirk saw just before he died that made him say "Oh, my.")

If you want to hear, follow me... but this way lies one whopper of a spoiler.

Victoria's Secret Revealed: Heidi Can't Sing

Okay, I love Heidi Klum. How could you not, what with her incredible — yet ultimately baffling — ability to look amazing while pregnant, not pregnant, and in between being pregnant (today's status: not pregnant)? Plus, anyone who is part model/part unintentional comedienne is okay in my book.

But as much as I adore the supermodel and Project Runway host, her multiple attempts to parlay her success into a singing career have proved more painful than a Naomi Campbell phone to the face. And though I would love to support the model's ever-burgeoning career, her heinously off-key vocals prove that she could out-Sanjaya the worst of Idol contestants. So why, oh why, for the love of Seal, has Victoria's Secret decided to revive Klum's scary-horrible "Santa Baby" commercial from last year's holiday season? Sure, she looks great, but I don't think my thumb can take having to hit the mute button much longer.

What do you think, PopWatch? Do you find the commercial bad in an adorable way, or do you, like me, think Seal should make a deal with his bride: "Don't sing, and I won't model brassieres"?

Back to the Future...of heavy metal?

There are lots of things w