I'm sitting there, idly watching Paula Deen on the Food Network -- hey, I like butter; don't judge me -- and this State Farm commercial comes on. Almost as soon as Michael Jackson's angelic young voice starts belting out "I'll Be There," water starts leaking from my eyes. Here's the spot:
Now, I don't mind a well-made commercial, but the last thing I expect to do during a commercial break is try and hold back tears. I almost resent this kind of emotional sneak attack: I should get some kind of warning. Especially when it's not Olympic season, when I know that companies from McDonalds to Home Depot will concoct ads that zero in my sports sweet spot, like this Visa spot that left me a wreck:
Does it bother you when tearjerker ads pounce on you like a beast in the night, or does the surprise, momentary release come like a warm blanket?
The latest in the curious case of a 23-year-old dude just doin' his best to jumpstart a ferocious appetite: Eight people who partied with Michael Phelps have been arrested because one of them attempted to sell that damn bong on eBay. For ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. It's too bad this isn't last night's CSI: Miami and that Michael Phelps' friends don't have Diddy as a lawyer. Gah! How stoned would you have to be to pay $100k for someone else's bong, man? And without the original brown-tinted water supply, some of whose molecules may or may not have vaporized themselves against Michael Phelps' thirsty merman lips? Ewwwwwww. Dot com. Bad investment!
Hey, does anyone still care about this? Because unless Michael Phelps pops up on Yo Gabba Gabba to sing a song about sharing -- all together, kids: "Puff...Puff...PASS! You did it! Yayyyyyyyyyy." -- we're just gonna stop. Really.
I like to look at life in a "pool half full" sort of way. So when some ingrate breaks the universal stoner code of conduct and foists a photo of Michael Phelps hitting a water bong all over the Internet, I think to myself: That's too bad. Concerned parents and/or people who were actually frightened by Reefer Madness are gonna flip out over this for a little bit. That'll be annoying. Why didn't he retreat into his special pot den, away from potential ingrates with cameras? I wonder if he'd let me decorate this hypothetical pot den of his that clearly doesn't exist.What if it was made to simulate an UNDERWATER environment? Oh, s---!
Let's look beyond the bong. Not only does this recent "news" make Phelps' decision to endorse Frosted Flakes rather than Wheaties much more logical, it also opens the door for Michael the Merman to officially replace Chester the Cheetah as the official mascot for Cheetos. Anything would be better than last night's Super Bowl commercial. If his other endorsements fall through, I'd also like Phelps to consider Reese's, Tostitos brand chili con queso, and that amazing Toll House cookie dough that comes pre-cubed in a 4x5 grid. He'd also be a prime candidate for an anti-drug PSA. "Kids, don't use this non-addictive substance that's prescribed to people in California who get headaches, or you'll end up like this sorry-ass 14-time Olympic gold medalist."
Seriously, it was savvy of Phelps to apologize to the public for his "bad judgment," but let's not pretend the public so desperately needed a 23-year-old who must ingest 12,000 calories a day to atone for something as insignificant as this. And in terms of entertainment, people who watched him guest on SNL or Entourage aren't likely to be that bothered by the revelation that Michael Phelps gets stoned. Do you think this "scandal" could end up endearing him to a significant portion of the entertainment audience?
Last night's well-watched 60 Minutes showcased what is sure to become one of the most important races of our time: Anderson Cooper On The Surface vs. Michael Phelps In The Deep. Press play below.
Things That Could Have Helped Anderson Cooper Win:
--Full-length LZR Racer bodysuit --A better track start, damnit! Coop wasn't even crouched. And his feet split apart before entering the water. Half point markdown if this were diving! --Phelps forced to do only breaststroke kicks while on his back. Right-side-up flutter kicks are ALWAYS the fastest. Barring that... --Phelps forced to wear eight gold medals in pool --Waiting 50 more seconds to start the race, because that's how long it took Phelps to fall asleep during a shared taxi ride on the same day --Turning race into a relay with Wolf Blitzer on Phelps' team
Any other suggestions for the "middle-aged mortal"'s next swim?
Back in ye olde October, Slezak asked for the actors, musicians and general phenomenons that most delighted you this year. Judging from the hundreds of responses (barring the 20 or so that just said "DAVID ARCHULETA 20 times -- very original), EW's official 2008 Entertainers of the Year should be a P-Dub pleaser. Let us know what you think, and be sure to keep checking our Entertainers of the Year package for exclusive videos with Tina Fey (No. 2, but No. 1 in my heart), the Bravo TV gang (No. 12), and more! Press play below to go behind-the-scenes at the photo shoot for No. 17 -- Lost's Yunjin Kim and Daniel Dae Kim. The trance-like effect of Jin gently pushing Sun on a tree swing is what you've always needed in your life. You just didn't know until now:
Hey, don't change the channel! After Jin and Sun's swing time, stay tuned for Daniel Dae Kim's favorite Entertainers of 2008...and (gasp! swoon!) Jeff Jensen tooling around the Lost set with a camcorder.
Trick question! Gorillaz are the fake cartoon band created by musician Damon Albarn and visual artist Jamie Hewlett for two awesome albums (so far, fingers crossed) in '01 and '05 — "Clint Eastwood,""Feel Good Inc.," all that. Monkey: Journey to the West is the title of an innovative opera that Albarn, Hewlett, and director Chen Shi-Zheng created last year based on a 16th-century Chinese epic saga, as well as a soundtrack CD they released this week. Oh, and Albarn and Hewlett also created a cool related animation for the BBC's Olympics coverage this summer.
Confused yet? Have I mentioned that the lyrics to Monkey are all in Mandarin, at Albarn's insistence? But wait! At a recent informal press conference I attended with about a dozen
other reporters, Albarn said it was pure "coincidence" that Gorillaz and Monkey share such similar names. I'll leave it up to
you to debate that point. But the Monkey album is definitely worth checking out for Gorillaz fans — whether or not you had a chance to see the opera during its runs in the U.K., France, and South Carolina. (They're still figuring out whether it'll be possible to bring the stage performance in some form or another to more locations in the U.S.) And don't be turned off by the opera thing if you're not into that. Said Albarn at the press
conference: "The music in the show had to be slightly different from
how I envisaged it, because of the nature of opera houses — the
acoustics, and the respect for those amazing spaces that are more
comfortable with Verdi and Mozart. So a lot of my electronics and my
drum machines, I tried to keep them less apparent; on the record it's
much more my style of production." Sure enough, it's fascinating to hear how his sonic trademarks from Gorillaz and elsewhere show up on Monkey, only they've been developed into extended instrumental suites instead of three-minute pop tunes.
You can check out a preview clip below to get an idea of how that works. I know I'm digging it, but I'm a huge fan of practically everything Albarn's worked on in the past decade and a half. So what do you say, Gorillaz appreciators — have you heard any of the Monkey music? What do you make of it?
Us: We're just like stars! I knew it! Join me in salivating over the new promo for Oprah's OLYMPICS-themed season premiere (Sept. 8), at which 150 Olympians will be in da house. Where will they all sit? The gymnasts should have to balance in an awkward position on an appropriate apparatus, just sayin'.
I especially love how Oprah says "Bronze" as a one-word sentence with such admiration and authority, because bronze is damn respectable. It's not like you or I ever won bronze. (The 50 Freestyle at the 1992 West Suburban Conference Championships doesn't count, especially when you really got fourth but the girl who beat you got disqualified.)
Our Olympic Stud of the Day will be hosting Saturday Night Live's 34th season premiere Sept. 13th. (Musical guest Lil Wayne.) My internal monologue upon reading the press release:
- Do the monologue in a Speedo. Do the monologue in a Speedo. (And not that full-body one.) - Andy Samberg will make a great Ryan Lochte. - Would Michael be too busy to do something with EW.com? - Annie and I are going to fight over it.
What was your first-response internal monologue to news of Phelps' hosting duties?
Headlining the "news" right now: Michael Phelps' mom, Debbie, is in talks with clothing company Chico's for an endorsement deal. Not familiar with Chico's? You definitely know the commercials -- imagine the phrase "Chico's is beautifullll..." uttered repeatedly in a voice intended to knock you out cold on your couch. If true, this could turn out to be my favorite, and the least consequential, endorsement deal of all time. She's so Chico's!
Meanwhile, Debbie's less famous son Michael, who has already, hilariously, signed a lucrative endorsement deal with Frosted Flakes instead of a gross "healthy" cereal, now has a $1.6 million deal to recall his eight Beijing races in book form. Silly publishers. Don't they know we can just watch them online, instead...forever? Anyway, Michael, I officially volunteer to be the person you tell all your stories to who
then writes the book for you. All I'd want in return is one of your medals for personal use as a desk prop. That's such a good deal, it'd be like winning a ninth gold medal. So you'd end up having eight again! Call me.
There you have it. America's favorite family for about two more weeks is damn near unstoppable! Yeah, not a lot is going on. What do you want from us? This. I think you want this.
Awareness of NBC's fall lineup is up 59 percent thanks to all the promos the peacock ran during the Olympics, the network's marketing chief tells The Hollywood Reporter. But does being aware of a new show mean you're going to watch it?
I don't actually remember seeing a Knight Rider ad, which is strange since it's tracking the highest in terms of audience awareness, per NBC. Still, I'm planning to watch the premiere, for the car. I do recall a few promos for Kath & Kim (pictured) — but mostly for how much I didn't laugh at them. I imagine I'll want to watch that premiere to support Molly Shannon, but I'll forget to tape it and won't bother catching up. As for Christian Slater's My Own Worst Enemy, well, I definitely saw those promos (and thought about how many dual-identity shows are on TV), but I had to look up the show's title just now, which doesn't bode well...I do, however, want to see Slater again, so count me in.
The latest in the curious case of a 23-year-old dude just doin' his best to jumpstart a ferocious appetite: Eight people who partied with Michael Phelps 
I like to look at life in a "pool half full" sort of way. So when some ingrate breaks the universal stoner code of conduct and foists 
Trick question! 
Our 
Headlining the "news" right now: Michael Phelps' mom, Debbie, 
Awareness of NBC's fall lineup is up 59 percent thanks to all the promos the peacock ran during the Olympics, the network's marketing chief tells 
