Hunker down, Tudors fans, 'cause we have boatloads to discuss. Yesterday's excellent ep was certainly fitting for Mother's Day. Forget that it was directed by a woman, it was all about women: Katherine as the martyred wife and mother, Lady Elizabeth as her loyal servant willing to give up a man for her boss, Mary as the forgotten daughter, and Anne (Natalie Dormer, pictured) as, let's not mince words, the dotty, demanding "Kill your ex-wife and get me pregnant" bitch. And I say this with love. Anne's neuroses and otherwise total wackiness, as PopWatch reader mr. face value might say, are right jolly entertainment: I don't want to revel in someone's downfall, but Anne's is just so wonderfully spectacular! And who didn't think she needed to give Henry a good pimp-slap/back-scratch during sex?
So let's start with Anne's nightmare, a.k.a. the fantastic dream sequence that opened the episode. It had everything, including references to Eve, Snow White, and Ophelia (not that the latter two would have been in Anne's head, but I think they were certainly in the minds of the show's creators). I have two questions, though: First, who was the old lady dressed in lavender and white and what did she mean? Was she supposed to represent a white witch? Anne in old age? Anne's mother? A priestess? Second, why is it Thomas Wyatt who offers Anne an apple (which could signify Original Sin or a poisoned fruit) when she dismounts her horse? Is it because, as we know, he actually took her virginity? Does Thomas hold the secret to Anne's downfall in his hands? Also, didn't Anne's green and red dress when she lambada'd with the king in a later scene remind you of an apple? And, minus Thomas Wyatt, didn't the cast of characters watching them — Mark, Norris, Brereton, George — seem like a gathering of dead men walking?
Hey, Reaper fans, did I miss anything during my vacation?
Yeah, I know, in the previous two episodes, we saw the Devil crush a demon rebellion, leaving only Tony alive among his would-be overthrowers; we saw Sam (Bret Harrison, left) finally tell Andi his big secret (and we saw her, after some understandable initial misgivings, turn out to be surprisingly okay with it); we saw Sock (Tyler Labine, right) reunite with Josie; we saw Ben meet his dream girl, but only after he'd already exchanged vows in a sham green-card marriage to help keep annoying co-worker Sarah from being deported; and we saw Sam reluctantly agree to serve as a spy for Satan inside Tony's Rebellion 2.0 conspiracy. But aside from all that, did I miss anything big?
All right, after the pyrotechnics of the last two eps, this week's installment, "Greg, Schmeg" was kind of anticlimactic, no? At least until the end, when Sam did something that might actually shape the direction of his future... but I'm getting ahead of myself. The unwelcome Greg, Andi's lunk of an ex, returned to the picture and used a mysterious "Jedi mind trick" to make Andi spurn Sam and fall for him again. Turns out his newfound power was part of a foolish bargain with Sam's boss. But as the Devil tells Sam, when you're dealing with him, there's always a catch. In this case, Greg didn't also receive the power to make Andi stop loving Sam, so she and Greg would never be truly happy together, which means (as Greg noted later), he'd sold his soul for one night of over-the-sweater heavy petting.
To borrow an acronym from the show, OMFG. If you didn't catch last night's revelatory episode of Gossip Girl, do yourself a favor and stop reading this and run, don't walk, to your DVR.
But first things first. As a New Yorker, I was delighted by all of the clever references to the local society. B. name-dropped Vanity Fair editor-in-chief Graydon Carter's hangout, Waverly Inn, before tossing Manhattan's famous-for-doing-nothing socialite Tinsley Mortimer's name in the air and Page Six's noted rep for hairy gossip. Then came the scathing one-liners: "It's hard to continue partying when someone drops the gay bomb," sneered Hazel, once and for all cementing my dislike for the vertically-challenged freshman. "Do you really think that someone like me would date someone like you, Jenny from Brooklyn?" hissed the happy-go-lucky Asher at Jenny, doing a sudden 180 that was as capricious as B.'s mood swings. Asher then fashioned a Faustian bargain to continue their wretched façade: to dispel rumors of Asher's gayness, spread the rumors around that little 15-year old Jenny, um, "spread her legs," to quote Gossip Girl herself.
Mining an annual collegiate tradition — the equally feared and beloved parents weekend — was genius on the part of Greek's producers. Why? Well, in the case of this show, its juiciness is two-fold. First, we were treated to how the students prepped for the visits by their parental units: Kappa Tau initially decided to proudly "fly their flag" of trashy living before cleaning up their act; ZBZ, natch, put on a ritzy tea for the the visit by Rebecca's father, Senator Logan; and Dale flew his own flag — a banner welcoming his parents — in his dorm room.
More deliciously important than all that was getting to see actual parents of these characters we've been following for two seasons now. Comparing parents was always my favorite part of this weekend back in college. Sure, I was pumped to see my own 'rents (they'd sweetly show up wearing their matching "Drake Mom" and "Drake Dad" sweat-shirts... awww), but seeing those who raised my wacky friends — and the even wackier people whom I just watched from afar? It's brilliant! It's truly insightful! Like looking directly into the soul of a person. And it was no different in the case of Greek. (On that note, I have to quickly mention that I'm loving how the Greek world has been expanded lately. Between this and the flashback-filled episode, it finally feels like this little patch of sororities and fraternities don't exist in some weird, remote bubble.)
Okay, let's just get this out of the way: I cried during this episode. I know, I know. We're all aware this show is all about the chemistry between Booth and Brennan (pictured; just see Mandi's post on the subject for a refresher) but it was all dialed up to 11 last night during the trial of Brennan's father, Max Keenan (Ryan O'Neal), for killing the FBI director who was stalking his children. The case, with it's own ups and downs that kept you unsure of whether Max would go free, ended up spotlighting Booth and Brennan's special connection in unique and touching ways. By the time her father was released, it was fitting that Booth was hugging her other man outside while waiting to hear the verdict.
What made the show so much better was that they weren't limited to the really heavy emotions but were able to be playful and light with one another and show how in sync they are, like Booth telling Special Prosecutor Caroline Julian that he didn't mind Brennan laughing herself to tears at his hypothesis for the oddly positioned skeleton in the beginning of the episode, or their teasing of Sweets when he asked to continue meeting with them. (The two of them singing "He really liiiikes us" in unison was genius.)
It's the Bachelor episode host Chris Harrison looks forward to all season, because he finally gets to do something. Only, this time, he didn't do enough.
After the women were introduced — and Amanda and Noelle received the loudest applause — Harrison focused his attention on Stacey, the Human Muppet who gave Bachelor Matt her panties on the first evening. Were Harrison Jeff Probst, she would've been forced to say why she did that — was it a premeditated attempt to secure screen time or a spontaneous decision fueled by alcohol (a substance that curiously, was never mentioned, even though Stacey passed out on a bed before the rose ceremony). All Stacey said is that she's actually a sweet person, who wanted to stand out from the other 25 women (actually, that's the other 24). Yes, she's embarrassed to watch the footage of pantygate and of her never-before-seen smiling threats against the other ladies and their loved ones: "They're all whores. I'll f---in' kill 'em all and their whole families." Does it make it laughable or more disturbing that she'd apparently repeated that sentiment throughout the night?
Stacey eventually issued a blanket apology to anyone she may have offended, which is something Marshana (pictured, with Harrison) would never do. I've always wondered what happens when a Mean Girl watches a teen movie that portrays her kind as evil — does she get it? The answer is no. I do think Marshana believes what's she saying: she's not intentionally setting out to hurt others, she's just being herself and they can choose to love her or leave her. But the bottom line is, if you respect other people, you do what you can to get along with them. Marshana's uncompromising nature is just as condescending as Robin saying "I'm not there to make friends." Just be decent no matter where you are.
Here's the funny thing about last night's show: Nothing big really happened. Sure, George got married. Anne got dotty. The assassin got even wackier. Princess Elizabeth got shafted. But no one caught sweating sickness, died of consumption, lost his/her head (unless you count a maidenhead... which happens every episode), or did something quasi-terrible like, say, visit Katherine behind the king's back. Yet I felt the pace was so fast and the plot so intriguing that it could have gone on another 60 minutes and I would have been totally game. Maybe it was that awesome sequence when the assassin Brereton dreamed of killing Anne and the action momentarily reversed itself. Maybe it was her harem nightmare (sexy, sexy!) or when Cromwell bullied Wyatt into submission ("Is that not which pleases the king the law?"). And who doesn't think a farting Pope is funny? Either way, I was hooked... and then it just ended!
But I have bigger fish to fry. Good old Charles Brandon finally got a real plotline tonight. Okay, it wasn't that major, but he did get to host the French Ambassador at his estate, have an affair with the bloke's niece, and make his own wife cry. (She's the bee's knees, by the way. I loved her answer Brandon when he complained that Anne treated him worse than he treated his dogs: "Then your dogs bite back" she told him.) My question is why Henry Cavill (pictured) didn't submit this as his Emmy episode. According to an April Los Angeles Times online article, he has chosen the previous show (episode 205) as his Supporting Actor entry. Huh? What did you do last week, Henry, besides look smashing and a little sad when Sir Thomas More died? We loved you last night when you grabbed King Henry by the neck for a heart-to-heart like the good old days. Or when you pleaded to your wife that you would never ever cheat on her again (we believe you... I think). Is it too late to change your mind?
Hey PopWatchers, did you hear? Word is a very naughty newcomer with a mysterious past returned to stir things up for everyone, but especially one, on last night's Gossip Girl.
See, I too can write like our omniscient narrator, voiced by Kristen Bell. In fact, the acronym-tastic way of speaking is pretty addictive. I’ll confess to seeing GG star Taylor Momsen (Jenny) on the street in the New York’s Meatpacking District one sunny Saturday afternoon—and immediately texting my co-worker Tanner Stransky with the following: “Spotted. One social-climbing freshman with a nose for trouble heading into a coffee shop. Guess who? XOXO.” Groan, I know. But the funny thing? Nearly everyone who passed by her appeared to be doing the same thing, whipping out their phones and whispering madly into their companions' ears. The whole situation felt very meta, as if the 14-year old Momsen were the Serena to my Kati, with someone else, far away, writing about it.
But enough about that. Let’s move on to the multiple-choice test GG slipped us last night. So many possible answers to the huge question mark that is Serena’s troubled past—and Georgina’s stranglehold on her. Mischa Barton reportedly turned down the part of the UES muckraker, but Michelle Trachtenberg excelled at playing harlot-villain Georgina. The first sign that her intentions were evil? Those inky latex leggings. They don't look good on anyone, and no "good" girl I know would actually wear such things. Anyway, I enjoyed the two joining forces at a club and reminiscing fondly about their party-girl ways, holding hands, fending off the Wall Street-types swarming around them. (And Crystal Castles in the background! Double happiness.) Aww! Until? Serena realized she was drunk, and had to return home immediately...to Chuck. But more on that later.
There was so much goodness (read: awesome badness) in this episode, that I don't know where to begin. So before we get into ousted Amanda calling Matt a "douchebag" (you go, girl!), I'm gonna pretend I'm a Bachelor cameraman and go where the skin is.
Can you believe Chelsea let them film her slipping into something more comfortable at the end of her overnight date with Matt in Barbados? You didn't see anything, other than her slipping off her panties with a bedazzled "pretty" on them, but still. Ewww. That said, that long black (mesh? crochet? lace?) dress worked its charm on Matt, who needed to see that Chelsea could, indeed, stomach romance after she kept her distance from him on their afternoon dive with sea turtles. "The turtle was closer to me physically than Chelsea," Matt said. "I had better eye contact with the turtle underwater, with goggles and a mask thing on, than I did with Chelsea. I was gutted." At dinner, Chelsea explained to Matt that she was distancing herself from him because the other women, and the fear of not knowing how she'd handle rejection, were overwhelming her. And I totally get that. But I think he's totally gonna choose her. As he noted, he's almost said too much to her in regards to his feelings: we know his parents will love her, that he considers her one of his best friends, that he loves her sense of humor and believes they'd make a great couple who have a lot of fun together. And he really did look upset in his confessional, when he was dissecting what started out as the most awkward overnight date in Bachelor history. ("Matt: I think about you a lot." Chelsea: "Good.") If she does get along with Matt's parents, the ring is hers.
After the jump, Shayne enjoys being blond (since she was 12 or 13) and Amanda needs Matt to say he's just not that into her.
I have to agree with my friend Mandi Bierly. This was one of the best Bones ever, if only for Brennan's priceless interactions with the baby, whose murdered mom was the primary victim this episode. Brennan's initial desire to remain distanced and logical when it came to baby Andy were hilarious. From her declaration that "Elephants are not purple. This is wrong" to her notation that while bears often adorn children's clothing, "in reality they would devour a small child." Too funny. And a great balance to the sadness of the situation in the economically depressed Virginia town, where the victim's embezzling boss killed her and an accountant who found him out.
Didn't you know that as soon as Brennan connected with the baby as a fellow child whose mother is dead—not to mention that they both had felons for fathers—she would be all in? I would've loved to have seen Brennan at home with Andy at night, the better to understand how and why she started warming up to him. And of course, the next time I'm playing with a baby I really won't be able to stop myself from wiggling my fingers at then and cooing "Phalanges! Phalanges!" (Anyone else thought of Friends' Phoebe stopping Rachel's plane by saying something was wrong with the phalanges?)
Apr 28, 2008, 12:17 PM | by Aubry D’Arminio
Categories: Mini TV Watch
First off, let’s have a moment of silence for Sir Thomas More, who finally took his trip to the chopping block — his fate sealed by the sniveling Sir Richard Rich, he of the stupidest sounding name. Then let’s cross our fingers and toes in hopes of an Emmy nod for Jeremy Northam, who acted his pants off as the martyr-par-excellence last night, don’t you think? Let’s also hear it for the dastardly king who, while still allowing his former teacher and most loyal subject be killed, had the kindness to commute More’s sentence — from being drawn on a hurdle through the city, hung until he’s half dead, and losing his bowels, his John Thomas and his noggin — to just a plain old beheading. What a generous fellow you are, Henry. And a ballsy man, too.
Did anyone else notice that the first bloke to yell “God bless you, Cardinal Fisher!” at the holy man’s execution was William Webb, the same guy whose girlfriend the King snogged in front of him earlier in the episode? (Brandon was all smiles during this scene. Lord he hates Anne.) I bet Mr. Webb is storing up some ire against the king, and that he’ll be back in force. Then again, he could go the way of Anthony Knivert and just disappear (which is my only gripe with The Tudors). Either way, if Webb’s purpose was to show how covetous, horny, and abusive of his power the king has become (what did the Pope say about him being mired in vice and lust?), it certainly worked. I’m beginning to hate Henry with all my body and soul. Sure, Anne is a trollop. Yet the one thing you could count on last season is that they were a team, and now he’s turning his back on her the same way he did on Katherine. Grrrr. That jousting accident he’s supposed to get in before the end of the season? The result of bad karma, methinks.
Try as it might, Law & Order still can’t fully break a nasty habit. Jesse L. Martin worked his final case as Det. Ed Green in last night’s episode, and the show just couldn’t resist one more gotcha exit. (Go ahead and start singing Roberta Flack's "Jesse," if you must. I'll wait.)
As I was saying, there’s a pattern here -- consider the history. Poor Claire Kincaid (Jill Hennessy) was smashed in a car crash. Alexandra Borgia (Annie Parisse)? Sliced by a psycho and dumped in the trunk of a car. Serena Southerlyn (Elisabeth Rohm) and Adam Schiff (Steven Hill) were the lucky ones — L&O just outed Serena as a lesbian and killed off Adam's unseen wife. To be sure, not everyone gets so dramatic a send-off (notice how quietly they packed off Milena Govich’s one-and-done Nina Cassady?), but L&O does like its exclamation points. So we shouldn’t exactly be surprised that Green turned out to enjoy the company of croupiers.
They’re ba-aack. After witnessing the CW’s juvenile but persuasive “OMFG” Gossip Girl advertisements sheathing Manhattan for the past week, I was ridiculously stoked about the return of the show after its near four-month hiatus. How I missed GG, the scandals, the "duh-duh-duh" music in the background, Kristen Bell's cheeky narration. And last night’s GG didn’t disappoint, doing its randy advertising campaign justice by providing an almost painfully good story arc in what was ultimately the best episode since the series’ pilot.
So let's get down to business. Fresh from what appears to be the longest spring break ever, Serena picks up a self-isolated Blair and dishes out all sorts of gossip to appease the demoted queen’s misery. This being the Upper East Side, typical theatrics include one of their girlfriends making it into Brody Jenner’s phone, natch, S. moving into Chuck’s suite at the Palace, and Kati inexplicably moving to Israel (?!?!), forever splicing the union that was once the minority twins. (In real life, however, actress Nan Zhang only moved two states north to Rhode Island, to study at Brown University.) Does this explain the sudden presence of the newbies on the show? If so, please bring back Kati, who at least looked convincingly threatening, unlike the fresh-faced actress who plays Hazel, and who doesn't look older than 12. Anyway, only after her fall from grace was put into perspective did Blair remove her hideous babushka scarf and the strange blue poncho/tarp. Who actually wears such things when they are disguising themselves? A plastic bag might have achieved the same effect. But then again, this is the same girl that demanded to be helicoptered to JFK, so I suppose it all flows in the same hyperbolic direction.
Is it just me, or were the home visits surprisingly tame this season, even with Shayne's mother's lipliner and Amanda's faux parents' R-rated performance? That must have been why Chris Harrison's opening voice-over was already plugging "the most romantic season finale ever!" If you play it backwards, you hear, "We know this episode is boring, but you've stuck it out this long, so we also know that you'll be back." True. You got me. Let's break this snoozefest down date-by-date:
Shayne: First of all, every time Matt says something — like meeting Shayne's famous father, Lorenzo Lamas (pictured) — is "massive," I wish he had said "major." But moving on... Matt met Shayne and her father, whom he correctly identified as "a bit of a star," at a restaurant. Seriously disappointing. Was Lorenzo afraid we'd hunt him down if we saw his home? (Oh, you surprisingly handsome, delusional man.) Shayne was nervous because she had once introduced a guy to her father, and the dude admitted that he'd met Shayne at a bar in a club. Why would this be at all shocking to Lorenzo? (Unless, maybe Shayne was underage at the time, and producers edited that part of the story out?) Anyway, I thought Lorenzo was actually a thoughtful, decent dad. He told the camera that he'd been married at 21, and didn't want Shayne to rush in to anything. So, he set her up: He told Matt that he thought she was on the show for the exposure, that "She wants to be a good actress, but she wants to be a star more. This was her opportunity to be on television, right? I mean, come on." Lorenzo wanted to give Shayne an out, or, hear her say that she was on the show for Matt — which she did. Lorenzo's conversation with Matt — about wanting him to be careful with Shayne's emotions, which he himself had toyed with by not being in her life as much as he should've been — wasn't patronizing; it was sweet.
Next came the visit to Shayne's mother's house, which Matt also correctly identified as having leopard everywhere. "I was kinda digging it," he said. And shockingly, so was I. Yes, it'd be easy to take shots at Shayne's mom for being a walking L.A. stereotype, but the fact is, you could feel her warmth, and that of her home. Serving Matt English food, showing him a video of Shayne dancing when she was younger, asking him how he'd feel watching Shayne kiss a costar — she was real. By the end of the date, Matt admitted that he had no more doubts about the Cuddle Master's motives for being on the show. We'll see if he sticks to that story...
After the jump, Chelsea, Noelle, and Amanda get their equal time.
I know the show is based on finding icky corpses, but last night's grates-and-bleacher-smooshed basketball player was one for the books. Add to that the family of rats nestled in the clothing and we entered a whole new level of disturbing. Thankfully, the case of who killed the star college forward was a nicely intricate one that held together as we went from suspecting the sleazy booster who befriended the player and supplied him with steroids, to the player who would benefit the most from his death, to the basketball-player-turned security guard who ultimately confessed to the murder out of love for his daughter, who'd been getting it on with the STD-carrying player under the bleachers. (BTW: Almost as disturbing as the decomposed body was the amount of sexual…nonchalance (?) exhibited by the girls in the episode when it came to these athletes. I know that it's a stereotype that's long been out there, but let's hope that in the real world it's more fiction than fact....Right. I'll stop kidding myself now.)
It was yet another chance to go into the world of the jock, a world that Booth calls home but in which Brennan is completely out of her element. Heck, even Zack and Hodgins knew the name and the stats of the college b-ball star — and were impressed. But Brennan remained dismissive of sports, calling them "childish games," and those who watch them "juvenile." I don't remember Booth ever getting as offended by her statements as he did last night, since "he's all about sports."
Talk about shifting allegiances. Four episodes ago, I hated Anne. Her smirk. Her slightly attractive turned-up nose. Her overbearing self-confidence and that weird way she fans out her upper lip when she kisses Henry. My knickers totally twisted every time she came on screen. If only headbutting was fashionable in the 1500s. And Thomas More — as well meaning as he is — freaked me out a bit. A little overzealous in his fear of Lutheranism last season, methinks. But now as they both head to their deaths, I’ve begun to adore them both. Who cares if More burned seven people alive or Anne plotted to steal Henry from Katherine, leading to the latter’s banishment, broken heart, and quite possibly (in future episodes) her death? What happened last season stays in last season. Agreed?
That’s not to say I’ve forgiven all the Boleyns. Mary, for the moment, is harmless. But let’s take Anne’s remark that they’ve got to find Mary a husband as an omen. This girl is going to shake up the court somehow. And she’ll do so using her fanny. That said, I like her. She’s loyal and sweet. And doesn’t resent her sister for going after a guy (Henry) who snubbed her. George, on the other hand is a total wet mop. Face like a slapped arse. Though I loved seeing him and Mark Smeaton consummate their relationship. Here’s hoping that being around our favorite Mark (and coming out, at least to himself) will make George less of a boring gobshite. Now, has any historian ever put forth that these two had a relationship in real life? I wonder. Oh, and PopWatcher Clio is right: David Alpay (the actor portraying Mark) does play his own instruments! According to the show’s publicity materials, he’s been the principal violinist for the Canadian Dance Tapestry since 1994! Now, I know I’m a gusher. I go gaga for just about anyone on this show (yes, you Henry Cavill!), but what’s not to love about this guy? Dear Showtime, let him keep his head (I mean that literally), puh-lease?!?
But I digress. The Boleyn that really gets my fists pounding is Papa. He comes back from France in this episode, greets his daughter, and then tells her that the only way to hold onto Henry is by picking out his mistresses for him. Great, fantastic, wonderful idea. In theory! You’ve not screwed your daughter up enough by pushing her into a volatile, potentially lethal relationship with no emotional stability, now you’re turning her into a pimp. And poor Anne. She chooses her least attractive lady-in-waiting, her moon-faced Cousin Madge, for the job. Can this girl talk without drooling? Sure, Henry’s interested (who wouldn’t be, she’s got tatas the size of Kansas). For now. Nevertheless, who didn’t feel for Anne when they went off riding together leaving her to cry alone in bed?
Ahhh. The return of Bones is like catching sight of your favorite comfy chair at the end of a long day. The discovery of the remains of a body (this time in mud), the crime scene banter that often includes awkward moments and odd clarifications (that's serious as a heart attack guys — not gas attack), lab challenges, tag-teamed interrogations — and, oh yeah, lovely contrived reasons for our favorite forensic anthropologist and FBI agent to interact outside of their work. I don't know about you, but I settled back in pretty quickly.
The first new episode since last November didn't pick up on any of the threads of ongoing story lines: nothing about Gormogon, the search for Angela's husband, or Brennan and Booth's spectacular mistletoe kiss. What we did get was the case of the skeleton in the mud pit that ended up being a champion motorcycle rider who had gone missing after a big win. His team owner's son — a rival racer — and another driver he'd put in a wheelchair both came under suspicion very quickly, until the son was killed riding the first guy's bike that had been tampered with.
Even though it was fun to get back into Zack and Hodgins' King of the Lab competition as they tried to narrow down the murder weapon for mud-pit guy, I kind of felt that, as a group, they took way too long to figure out that the damage in the front of the head was caused by a fall that came after the victim was struck in the back of the head. By the time the victim's blood-covered truck was discovered and Angela explained the choke-up on the prybar, it was pretty clear that the cool-as-cucumber sister was the culprit.
The guest turn by M.C. Gainey (Lost) as the Fitz family
lawyer was a treat. As Gainey himself has said, at least according to
IMDB, his face lends itself to questionable characters. That, combined
with his role as one of those devious Others on Lost, was a cue
to be highly skeptical of his clients. He managed to give his
performance nice hints of humor between the doggedness (in explaining
forensic evidence from his client: "Did you shake hands with him? Sit
next to him at the bar? Make out a little?"). I can't say I had the
same warm and fuzzy feeling from the über-annoying, way-too-enthusiastic FBI motor tech (Darlena Tejeiro), who I feared was being
placed as new diversion love interest for Booth. A
Three Stooges theory of aggression? Really? If we're destined to see
her again, lets hope they turn down the pushiness and toy with the
quirkiness.
The road to the final four was supposed to be paved with "the most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history" and the "the most dramatic rose ceremony yet." Naturally, it wasn't. I'll admit that when I realized that either Amanda or Robin would get the boot along with Marshana, I found myself saying "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God." (I may have been a little tipsy.) But that's because I expected Robin (pictured, with Matt) to get the rose, and I didn't want to see Amanda go. When Amanda's name was called instead, I thought for sure Robin would ask Matt to walk her outside so she could say, "What the hell?" But she didn’t. She gave him the evil eye and said, "Bon soir." What?! On the one hand, I respect her decision to not give a man who doesn't want her anymore of her time. But Matt all but told her that she was a lock for a rose, that's why he didn't need to have a one-on-one date with her and why he was asking her about Michigan, so it'd be nice to know what changed his mind. (Maybe he, too, thought it was weird the way that she just slipped into the spot where Shayne had been laying with him in the snow in Sun Valley? Or maybe it was her intensity?) I guess we'll just have to tune in to the tell all, won't we? Damn it.
As for the confrontation between Marshana and Chelsea — it was the loudest in Bachelor history. Maybe. Chelsea said Marshana acted like she didn't want to be there; Marshana said obviously, she did. Had she not played rugby for the man and taken an elbow to the face? Had she not let him toss her in the snow (after he chased her) and put skis on her for the first time? Had she not gotten into a swimming pool? Yes, you did, Marshana. But you're keeping score ("I have risen to every occasion, taken everything he's thrown at me. I've done really well..."), which doesn't sound like you're enjoying yourself. Just because you go on a show to meet a man, doesn't mean you have to dig him.
After the jump, Shayne's packin' and Chelsea needs to be mackin'.
She’s baaaaaaack! I speak, of course, about my one of my favorite characters on Greek who, until this episode, was MIA this season: Frannie! And whaddaya you know! New Frannie came with a new attitude, too. (Which, unfortunately, was rather demure and boring. I want Frannie the big bitch back!) I guess a few months volunteering in a psychiatric ward changes a person.
In case you forgot, up until now the ex-ZBZ president had been living in exile after last season’s monumental break with the sorority. But — for reasons that went suspiciously unexplained during this episode — she was chomping at the bit to get back into the estrogen-filled house. Crazy Lizzie assured interim president Casey — who, considering their history, had the hardest time dealing with re-admitting her — that giving Frannie another chance was the final way they could heal the house. So Casey complied.
Honestly though, I can’t believe the girls even considered re-admitting her, but I guess the trade-off of one taking one crazy gal (Frannie) for another even crazier other gal (Lizzie) was pretty appealing. I can’t help but wonder what Frannie’s real plan is: Take back control of the sorority? Get revenge on Casey? Become Omega Chi Sweetheart again? And how about that “Diamond Ceremony” the ZBZs held to affirm the re-admittance? That was one of the scariest things I’ve seen on television since Heaven’s Gate. The whole time all I could think was, “Take us to the Kool-Aid.” With the chanting, candle-lighting, and general cult-ish atmosphere, I couldn’t help but recall those doomed, Nike-wearing weirdos.
But, alas, one good thing came out of the whole sequence: The big auf Wiedersehen to Lizzie! Her ridiculously cheery and rule-abiding character was a funny schtick, but she overstayed her welcome by at least one episode. (Seriously, that girl's face has to hurt after all that mugging.) I was more than happy to see her Mary Poppins-esque presence (did you all notice the umbrella she was carrying as she left?) disappear into that yellow cab.
Apr 14, 2008, 07:45 AM | by Aubry D’Arminio
Categories: Mini TV Watch
After all her promises to give Henry a boy, Anne (freshly minted Queen of England) finally delivered last night — a girl! Never mind that the baby, Elizabeth, will grow up to be one of England's greatest monarchs. Or the King's statement that he and Anne "are both young, and, by God's grace, boys will follow." They won't. From this moment on, Henry is pissed and Anne is screwed. The march to her execution has officially begun.
Speaking of which, the assassin was revealed last night. I admit, I was wrong and he isn't Anthony Knivert from last season (where, may I ask, did this guy disappear to?). He's William Brereton, a groom in Henry's privy chamber — and a pretty bad shot, I might add. He's also, in real life, one of the men killed for having relations with Anne. (Does that count as a spoiler if you can read it on Wikipedia?) I wonder how that's going to come about in the show and at what point he doesn't just say, "Knob her, you fools? I've been trying to kill her! My timing is just bad, is all." And where does Thomas Wyatt fit in all this, since he the one man we know of besides Henry who actually has tasted Anne's fruits?
What could possibly beat that human Muppet whose name I've already forgotten handing Matt a pair of her panties on Night 1? How about Kelly (pictured, right) opening up her dress and cupping her "very large breasts" during a conversation with Matt before last night's rose ceremony! Seriously, WHAT was that about? I guess when Matt told her that he wanted her to be as fun with him as she was around the other girls, that's all her tipsy mind could come up with. Classic.
So we know why Kelly didn't get a rose. I'm willing to bet that singer-songwriter-adequate tennis player Ashlee is gone because even though Matt found her voice "mesmerizing," the giggling after every sentence got to him. Also, judging from my own reaction, it was probably hard for him to sit through her rambling non-answer to his question about what she'd do in London if her music career didn't take off.
Holly also took the long limo ride home after her 2-on-1 date with Marshana. Like Shayne, I expected Holly to stay, but Matt made it clear that he and Holly didn't have the connection she thought they did — he told her that he'd just found their timed conversation difficult to fill. (Tip: When someone says they like "challenging questions," try to come up with at least one.) I appreciate Matt's honesty, but now I'm dying to know if their 1-on-1 date last week had been that awkward.
After the jump, we size up the remaining six ladies.
Last night’s episode of Greek had me wondering: Can they do that? Of course, I’m talking about Casey’s drunken rendezvous with the 16-year-old Jonah. A mere high schooler! Or maybe the question is: Should they be doing that? I may just be getting old, but I don’t think it’s too responsible of ABC Family to air a consequence-less storyline with potential legal implications. As Ashleigh questioned,“You might be on To Catch a Predator!”
Granted, I guess no one was hurt and maybe repercussions are coming down the line, but it just felt a little unsettling to me. While Casey wasn’t exactly proud of her beer-induced uh-oh, it seems that a show like this, which caters to younger viewers, should have penalties in store for its characters’ bad actions. Oh, what the hell am I talking about? They drink and all get-out all the time! Carry on with your law-breaking ways! But, seriously, for a minute: It was a rather good farce because Jonah — no way, no how — looks like he could be in high school. I was totally hoodwinked! But didn’t the Enforcer (aka Lizzie) check his ID at the bar? Were we supposed to infer that because she was so taken with his eyes — and the fact that he’s an organ donor — that she missed the fact that his birth year said 1991 instead of 1986? Oof.
Since I’m on the subject of Casey, let’s talk Greek’s hottest love triangle. Or, fastest fading one. I keep going back and forth on this one. I love Rebecca with Cappie (pictured) because her fabulously bitchiness, in some weird way, that brings out the sly cuteness in him. It’s like he can’t wait to go along with her dastardly plans, which is delicious to me. At the same time, Casey and Cappie are a classic with their drawn-out, storied history and Greek power thing going on. In the end, I'm a sucker for a power couple with long-term potential, so I’ll admit it: I want to see Rebecca go down. Consider me fully on Team Casey.
Apr 7, 2008, 10:15 AM | by Aubry D’Arminio
Categories: Mini TV Watch
Last night's episode was all about guts and goolies: The assassin's, Brandon's, and More's guts, and Cranmer's, Wyatt's, and the King's goolies.
First off, the assassin. He's cheeky. Not only does he plan to kill Anne, but he taunts her beforehand by sneaking into her rooms and placing three very meaningful playing cards on her desk. They are a King marked as Henry, a Queen marked as Katherine, and a lady marked as Anne — with her head cut off. "It's a prophecy," Anne says when she finds them. (At least she gets it. Her faith in her own invincibility was becoming tiresome.) And how clever is it of the assassin to tease her with a deck of cards, since we know Henry hates them and how good Anne thinks she is at playing games?
So who is this hooded avenger? Well, we know he is welcome at court and important enough to travel to Paris with the King for Anne's official presentation to the French Royals (and that's where he first tries to murder her, but Henry gets in the way). We know from the ten percent of his body that's not covered by a black cloak that he is clean-shaven, which knocks out the bearded Brandon, Wyatt, and the court musician Mark Smeaton. He speaks with a British accent. And if he hates Anne but likes Katherine, he's most likely a Catholic, not a Protestant. Though with the shifting allegiances of the characters in this show, who knows? My guess — and this is assuming he's a lad we've already met, not some new bloke whose face they're covering up just to be clever — is that it's season 1's Anthony Knivert (played by Callum Blue, pictured). Remember him? He whacked the king in the face during a joust, held down Buckingham as his head was chopped off, and got ticked off at Brandon for ascending up the Royal ranks faster than he did? Unless he died last season (the real guy croaked in 1512) and I totally missed it, I think he's the one. Callum did play the Grim Reaper on Dead Like Me, so it would be fitting, wouldn't it?
As usual, this episode managed to have at least one "dream date" that I'd never want to go on.
Holly, on the strength of her moonwalk in last week's runway show, no doubt, was granted the first solo outing— a private screening of Patrick Dempsey's upcoming romantic comedy Made of Honor. It's not that I don't want to see that movie, or that I'm against decadent private screenings (I remember my first one, Sylvester Stallone's Rhinestone. Yeah, the "private" was not planned.) It's that I would never want to walk a red carpet — let alone a fake one (pictured). What was the point of that? At least I understood why producers had them put their handprints and "Matt + Holly" in a slab of cement— so it could be delivered to the mansion and drive the other girls crazy. After Holly cried at the film, Matt took her to a rooftop suite at the Roosevelt Hotel for some confusing conversation: He finds her really attractive, but he worries that he's too comfortable around her. Obviously, this was a dilemma that could only be solved by jumping in the hot tub, where he discovered that he was still able to make out with her. Whew!
On to the rugby group date... I had a few favorite moments. Chelsea commenting on Ashlee getting chosen last for a team was one of them: "If you wear fake eyelashes to a f---in' rugby game, you deserve to get picked last... I didn't mean that." Chelsea body-checking Ashlee was another. Marshana sucking on an ice pack and mumbling "It's fine — I'm having fun" after she got a busted lip was a moment for the highlight reel. As was winning team captain Kelly's couples massage with Matt, during which she mounted him to give his back a working over. That woman, to borrow the term Noelle coined for herself, is just a matter-of-time girl. After Robin hit the hot tub with Matt for another makeout session — and he pretended to be interested in having a conversation with Amanda while Noelle and Kristine looked on like two shy girls sitting in the bleachers during a slow song at a high school dance — Robin was awarded a rose.
After the jump, Shayne gets her one-on-one... with Holly's spray tan machine!
I just finished watching Greek — and I’m probably going to regret saying this — but I actually find this college dramedy a tad difficult to write about in this recap format. With Ugly Betty, the other show I cover as a regular TV Watch, ferreting out the storyline is simple enough. But when it comes to Greek, my mind mostly lingers on the totally simple things I loved from the episode: Calvin (pictured) and Heath’s sweet reunion at the Kappa Tau pool table; Ashleigh’s speakeasy karaoke singing and doe-eyed insistence that Ferris Bueller is The Great Gatsby of our time to Cameron Frye himself (okay, a perfectly cast Alan Ruck playing Dean Bowman); the killer costumes at the aforementioned Great Gatsby party; and Cappie and Casey’s restrained (but oh-so-longing for more) attempts to be just friends. But finding something of great worth in the episode? I got nothing. And maybe that’s OK? I’m sure I’m approaching this on too deep a level.
So let’s keep it simple: This episode was about partying! So maybe the thread woven throughout is, “How the Greeks Got Their Groove Back,” now that some of Greek Street has figured out a way to drink again with their cellar-level Prohibition Party. Either way, the revelry was a smashing success for everyone. And I mean everyone — and I’m even looking at you, crazy Lizzie. The Zeta Beta enforcer got what she wanted (a dignified, Great Gatsby themed party), and the students got what they wanted (a boozy night in the basement). Everybody wins! My only thought was concern for the students: Was it worth going to all that trouble to throw the basement party — and then cover it up with faux literacy philanthropy for reading-challenged frat boys — just so you could sip out of a flask for a few minutes? Sweet idea and all — and I’m sure the fear of getting caught is part of the allure — but next time, just enlist a friend with an off-campus apartment. Seriously, that’s what we did when I was in college.
If only she's resisted the primal urge to shout, "Again! Again!" But alas, Po did exactly that during Tribal Council on last night's shocking episode of Teletubbies, and when the ballots were recast, Po was voted out of the pod by a 3-2 margin.
The little red Teletubby's downfall began so innocuously — with a few burnt slices of Tubby Toast at breakfast time. Little did Po realize, her careless kitchen antics would shake her alliance with Laa-Laa and the Gurgling Baby Sun, giving clever Tinky Winky an opening to avoid his expected ouster, and head into the final four looking like a potential champ. "Eh-oh, Po!" indeed!
So which of Po's comrades sold her out for a few hours of playtime with Tinky Winky's magic bag? And what prompted Po's metamorphosis from wide-eyed innocent to a cussing harpie vowing sweet revenge in her post-elimination confessional? We break it down, PopWatch-style, after the jump...
Mar 31, 2008, 01:29 PM | by Aubry D’Arminio
Categories: Mini TV Watch
I can't tell you how stoked I was to pen the first Tudors TV Watch. Yet now that I'm actually writing it, I'm beginning to feel the whole idea may be barmy. Just think about it. We can't really speculate on what will happen in future episodes; to do that with even the loosest of historical fictions is, well, too easy. We don't think we know what will happen to Anne, Henry, Brandon and the five Tommys (More, Cromwell, Wyatt, Cranmer, and Boleyn). We know. Or at least I hope we do. (Here's a mnemonic device to remember what happened to Henry's wives, at least: divorced, beheaded, died; divorced, beheaded, survived.)
We could stick to dissecting the episodes, which poses its own problems. If we ream a character's (say Henry's) behavior (he is awfully cruel to Katherine), we can't forget that he is based on an actual person. It's not like the writers had a choice in the matter: He did divorce and banish her. On the other hand, we don't want to talk only about the performances (does Jonathan Rhys Meyers really play Henry too dour?) or get bogged down with what's accurate and what's not (I'm no scholar, but I'm pretty sure the real Tudors didn't drop so many F-bombs). We might very well be, like Brandon was in every season 1 episode, screwed.
That said, let's jump right in, shall we? This episode takes place two years after last season's finale and the first thing I noticed was that everyone had a lot more hair (the King, Brandon, Wyatt). Maybe the fashions changed? Did the Reformation bring curls? The second thing that caught my eye was Hans Matheson (pictured) joining the cast as Henry's new personal chaplain, Thomas Cranmer. I love this guy. He was perfect as Yury in the recent Doctor Zhivago remake (I know... I know... but it is possible to be as good as, if not better than, Omar Sharif). If you call yourself a fan of costume drama and you haven't seen it, I suggest Netflixing Zhivago post haste. Matheson has a whole page dedicated to him in the Tudors press release, so I'm guessing he'll be a big part of the show, especially with Henry becoming head of the English church and all.
Remember last week, when i grumbled that Reaper was just spinning its wheels, plotwise? Well, scratch that, as this week's ep, "Acid Queen," took the mythology a big leap forward and offered us shocking revelations about several of our main characters. Like that Sock's bathroom reading is Cosmopolitan and other women's magazines. Or that the Devil is an ass man who pops Xanax. Oh, and actually important stuff about Sam, the Devil, and Steve and Tony, the demons next door.
We'll get to that in a moment, but first: Sam and Andi OMG OMG OMG!!! Finally! Finally, Andi (Missy Peregrym, pictured) admitted that she has feelings for Sam! Finally, Sam (after a couple of botched replies), admitted he has feelings for her, too! Finally, in the show's most romantic moment to date, they kissed! Alas, the kiss was ruined by an inopportune phone call from Cady, who all but dumped Sam last week and fled the state. Plus, the soul of the week went after Andi, leading to a car crash that put Andi in the hospital and left Sam wondering (à la Peter Parker at the end of the first Spider-Man movie) if he should shun the love of his life (or at least keep his secret identity from her) just to keep her from becoming collateral damage. This seems kind of unfair (and arbitrary, on the part of the writers) — Sock and Ben know, and they've chosen to stand by him; does Sam have so little faith in Andi that he doesn't think she'd do the same if he told her the truth?
Well, dear readers, we've reached the end of the very entertaining parade of egos that was the first season of Celebrity Apprentice. And though Trump and Co. tried to maintain a level of suspense throughout the finale last night, it was pretty obvious from the get-go just who was going to take home the Celebrity Apprentice crown. Yes, after a live boardroom that featured a Japanese-speaking Gene Simmons, some sexual innuendo courtesy of Ivanka, and a performance from our finalist Trace — just think what kind of show we would have gotten had Playboy alum Tiffany Fallon cracked the top two! — Piers was awarded the title of the Celebrity Apprentice (seems Trump prefers the evil to the good after all). And in all fairness, even though we all wanted to see the ever-affable Trace win the whole shebang, there's no denying that Piers was the star of this show, obnoxious exterior and all.
Last night, we began with an image of Trump sitting in his boardroom as if he were ready to address the union, only to realize that — we're live! I'm not sure who Trump and Co., convinced to sit in that audience for two hours on a Thursday night — maybe anti-Rosie allies Bill O'Reilly, Barbara Walters and Star Jones? — but somehow, it did appear to be a pretty packed house. Of course, The Donald had to make sure that the announcer named him "the biggest celebrity of them all" ("I'm gonna be HUGE."), and told his audience that "it's been a phenomenal season." Sure, it was a decent season, what with all the Gene Simmons hijinks and Stevie B nonsense — but we all know The Donald would have called it a phenomenal season even if the final showdown was between a plunger and a rubber ducky that he found in his bathroom. It is impossible not to take this man with a grain of salt.
I never thought I’d say this: I couldn’t be more stoked about school being back in session. And that’s because the aforementioned bastion of learning whose bells are once again chiming is Cyprus-Rhodes University, the fictional college at the center of ABC Family’s delightful fraternity and sorority romp, Greek. Now, for today and each of the next nine weeks, I’ll be watching the drama with you and presenting my digests on Tuesday mornings here on PopWatch. How fittingly collegiate is it of us to get drunk together on Greek every Monday night? God, I miss college.
To begin, class, we must start with a little history lesson. When we left Cyprus-Rhodes at the end of last semester (errr, last season), life was falling apart for our dear little Greeks: Namely, Zeta Beta Zeta pledge (and Rusty’s girlfriend) Jen K. had just written an expose about fraternity and sorority life (drinking! hazing! big bitches!) that caused an uproar and forced a heartbroken Rusty to break up with her. At the same time, interim Zeta Beta Zeta president Casey (pictured) -- the fabulous Frannie was ousted! -- and Omega Chi president Evan were on the outs, while Casey’s former (and sometimes) flame Cappie was hooking up with the senator’s evil spawn, Rebecca. Plus, Zeta Beta dimwit Ashley had outed Calvin to his fraternity house. Woe was life on Greek Street!
Now, thrust back onto campus, the Cartwright siblings are at different ends of the spectrum in regards to their respective break-ups: The practical Casey thinks she’s over Evan, mostly because she “deleted emails, threw away love letters, and watched Oprah,” while the lovelorn Rusty still pines for his sweet little Jen K. with shrine-esque screen savers and mopey mix CDs. Cappie and Rebecca (loving this pairing, by the way) are still enjoying the fruits (read: nookie) of break with their “fling-tastic” get-togethers. Calvin still won’t talk to Ashley about her pushing him out of the closet. Evan seems as boorish as ever. And Dale — quite possibly the series' best character — is as crazy as ever, commenting that he honestly loves the smell of new textbooks.
It's so appropriate that The L Word's fifth-season finale took place on Easter Sunday, because right around the 55-minute mark of the
show, I chirped up with a joyous little "She is risen!" as Jenny piped up
from the back of the Les Girls wrap party and barged onstage. It was a night filled with game-changing, long-in-coming confrontations — Jenny
and Adele, Dawn Bimbo and her lover Cindi, Helena and Peggy, Phyllis and Shane,
Jodi and Bette... ooof, it was a rough night in West Hollywood, wasn't it?
We'll start with the returns of a few old friends: Crazy
Jenny appears to have returned from a stint in Boringtown, Peggy Peabody reentered
the scene via helicopter and gurney (so fussy!), and her daughter Helena came back
from wandering around like a fool with Dusty to basically buy back The
Planet and bag Lover Cindi. Never mind that she's a criminal on the lam. Random
aside No. 1: The supreme awesomeness of Peggy Peabody (and, by extension, Holland
Taylor) was reconfirmed last night when she used the words "peccadilloes"
and "willy-nilly" and answered a question of Helena's with the phrase, "As is
your wont." What is not to love about this woman? Random aside No. 2: The
unbearable tedium of Kit Porter was reconfirmed last night when she greeted
Helena's return with, "Girl! Girrrrrrrl! Girl... Girl!" I'm not lying. Those were
the first four words out of her mouth. But wasn't that a predictable plot development,
having Peggy give Helena the money to buy back the Planet? I'm hoping that's
not the last we've seen of Dawn Bimbo and her Lover Cindi. (We all must simply
refuse to call her by her actual name, even if she did finally reveal it during
one of last night's more inspired moments.) Do you sense that the show's final
season will draw out the enmity between Dawn and "the skanks"? And how silly is
it that the girls are now BFFs with Lover Cindi?
Reason No. 817 I love Reaper: Sock's crystal bowling ball with the skull inside. Not only is this an indisputably cool prop, but it's also an allusion to the orb wielded by Janeane Garofalo in the woefully underrated Mystery Men. Consultant Kevin Smith certainly knows his superhero movies, including ones about misfit groups of heroes who save the day despite their lack of useful villain-fighting skills. Kinda like Sam, Sock, and Ben, who elsewhere in last night's episode likened themselves to Batman, Robin, and "that weird English butler." Hilarious.
It's good that the pop culture references were flying fast and furious, since plotwise, the episode kinda spun its wheels. Even though our soul-capturing trio tried to prove their maturity by moving out of their parents' houses and getting their own apartment together, they clearly haven't advanced much. For one thing, Sam and Andi are still not acknowledging what is now obvious to everyone else: that they have feelings for each other. Also, the boys fell back into childlike dependency as soon as they met their new neighbors, a gay couple named Steve and Tony (The State alumni Michael Ian Black, pictured, and Ken Marino) who were only too happy to cook for the guys and take them clothes-shopping. (It's like living next to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, enthused Sock, before finally acknowledging that the boys have simply traded one set of parents for another. Oh, and Sam's discovery at the end of the episode that the pair are actually demons, who use power sanders to file down the horns on their foreheads, also doesn't bode well.)
Finally, Sam's still not sure whether Cady is the Devil's daughter or not. Sure, she makes glass shatter when she kisses Sam, she can make gutterballs roll back into the lane and become strikes, and she snores like a hellhound. Then again, the Devil flat out told Sam that she wasn't his daughter (then again, he could have been lying), and when Sam looked at her through the see-the-true-face-of-evil glasses (another nice reference, to the alien-invaders movie They Live), he didn't see anything out of the ordinary. And her chat with Andi was a lot less psychotic than last week's. Still, it wasn't too mature of Sam to stop returning Cady's phone calls, or to move into a new place without telling her. No wonder she wants to spend some time apart.
Don't miss the former Kitty Sanchez and current Miss Guided star's spot-on dramatization of Pretty in Pink's heated pre-prom locker encounter. It's her No. 1 on the Take 5 list below, and it might be better than the movie version. Don't you wish Judy Greer would float around your cube, reenacting bit parts of your work day?
After last night's two-episode official "premiere," I'm a little more on board than Gary was about Miss Guided. I don't think it's too steep of a comparison to say the show reminds me of 30 Rock, Scrubs, and Arrested Development (fine, and Samantha Who?) where every line is a joke, but the actors are incredibly earnest while saying things like "I think the expression is 'Think outside the bun.'" Any show featuring an English teacher named Ms. Germain and tongue-in-cheek product placement for Taco Bell and Disney's Typhoon Lagoon waterpark (!!!) has me hooked. I'm pretty easy that way. "Hot Sub" co-starred Jamie Lynn Spears as a more successful version of herself and Asthon Kutcher as a substitute teacher full of s--- (which reminded me of a very special My So-Called Life). In "The List" (hello again, MSCL), Judy's character accidentally offers a full-on crotch shot to the whole school via an obnoxious gossip blog called LindsayLopez.com. Topical! The series deserves a chance, so go watch the full eps on ABC.com. What else do you have to do -- respond to an Evite? Just say no!
Hey was this a great "blarg" item or what?
Last week, dear readers, you'll recall I wrote this passage in my TV Watch:
I will say it's a pretty safe bet to assume that Carol and Trace will make up the final two. Unless Trump wants to turn the finals into a battle between good vs. not-so-good — I'll reserve the 'evil' stamp for our ousted Omarosa — in which case Piers might make the cut alongside Trace.
Well, I'm glad that I didn't put money on my first prediction — Carol eventually was called out of the competition — but I do want to give myself a pat on the back for divining Trump's ultimate quest for drama. Though Carol might have been a better candidate for the top two, since the supermodel was both poised and intelligent in her final interviews, Trump was far more interested in good TV, and thus greenlit a "good vs. evil" showdown between Piers and Trace. And if I'm to judge by the episode's final half hour, when the two contestants got down to work on their deal-breaking charity event, the face-off will be — as Trump noted — one hell of a fight.
I have a theory that many successful TV and film writers were nerds in high school, and that writing about high school (and coming up with unflattering depictions of their former tormentors) is their revenge. I think some of that is what's behind former Office scribe Caroline Williams' Miss Guided, which premiered on ABC last night. The sitcom has only one joke, and it's one we've heard often, but it's still a good one: that no matter how old we are, we never really graduate from high school. Proving this unfortunate maxim is Becky Freeley, former high school nerd who returns as a guidance counselor to her alma mater. She's still a nerd, she's still pining after a dim hunk (auto-shop-teacher-turned-Spanish-instructor Tim O'Malley), and still seething over her old nemesis, homecoming queen Lisa Germain (who's also a new teacher at the school).
Now, I love Judy Greer; she's a terrific comic actress who's deserved her own vehicle for far too long; I just don't think this is it. (Read the magazine's quick-hit review of Miss Guided.) I'm not sure how much fun it's going to be to watch her hapless, older-but-not-really-wiser nerd get humiliated in gag after gag, week after week. Still, she won me over during a scene where she lurks in the bushes outside the homecoming dance, watching Tim and Lisa chat inside, and singing along to the Pussycat Dolls "Don't Cha." She gets able comic support from SNL/30 Rock alum Chris Parnell as a martinet vice principal; she has nice chemistry with Kristoffer Polaha (best known for starring as JFK Jr. in that made-for-TV biopic a few years ago) as Tim, and even Baywatch babe Brooke Burns provides more layers than mere vampiness to Lisa. I'm just not sure if all that will be enough to sustain the show beyond its well-worn premise. In fact, I'm not sure who this show is for: I don't think a lot of adults really want to relive their high school embarrassments, but a lot of the humor will sail over kids' heads.
Raise your hands, students: who watched this show last night? What did you think of it? Will you stick with it?
The first episode of any new Bachelor season is always the most stressful for me. Twenty-five women attempting to make memorable first impressions is a recipe for great TV — and for me to pick a pillow up off my couch, bury my face in it, and scream. Repeatedly. I'm surprised I'm not hoarse this morning.
Even though I'm sure he'll hurt me eventually, I am, for now, a big fan of our FIRST INTERNATIONAL BACHELOR, 27-year-old London banker Matt Grant. And not just for his 6'5" frame (a vision, courtesy of those years rowing and playing rugby, cricket, and football at university). Also for the way he humped that phone booth. The man said he an interesting sense of humor, I hope we get to see more of it.
Since I actually believed Matt when he said he's looking for love, and that he'd be "gutted" if his 71-year-old father didn't know his daughter-in-law and grandchildren, I wish producers wouldn't have set him up with "the craziest girls yet." There really was no need for Stacey (pictured, with Matt) — what I imagine a Muppet would look and sound like it were to come to life — to be there. Had he kept her, I would have had to turn this Mini TV Watch over to someone else. She's an insult to anyone who likes bad TV, because you couldn't even pretend that she was real. Rubbing his leg? Giving him a pair of her panties? Telling him that he's boring her by talking about where he'd take a woman in London? Saying "I have my bachelor's in nutrition. And nothing and no one will ever
stop me. I want to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that
no one has thought of"? Passing out in a bed before the rose ceremony? As Miss Earth New York Marshana put it, "I don't want to say anything negative but…. I'm sorry. She is loud, belligerent, tasteless, tacky, classless. She's riding my nerves like a pony." The only worthwhile thing that came out of having Stacey step a stiletto into that mansion was that we saw Erin H. is a Mean Girl: "If you're so into nutrition, why don't you get rid of those implants and lose a few pounds?... Stacey has nothing to offer him. Except for a bad boob job, a sequin blue dress, and her trashy tramp stamp." We'll have to remember that Matt didn't see that when he starts to really like her.
After the jump, the could-be-crazies we kinda liked, and the seemingly-sane ladies we're rooting for.
I'm back, Popwatchers. I apologize for deserting you without fair warning, but if you're willing to forgive me, and if somebody could just dim the lights, we can get started. We'll just pretend that I never went away (to a magical place called Australia) for a short while (okay, two-plus weeks) during one of the more dismal three-episode stretches (look! they can ride bikes!) in recent memory.
So... yeah, last night's episode wasn't exactly a thriller, either. We've been building all season to Adele's big moment, but at best, it was a tepid retread of too many other blackmail scenes from too many mediocre boardroom-barracuda scenes in too many bad movies. I don't know about you, but watching Adele vamp through her big reveal last night just made me want to go back and watch The Temp or something. I've had my issues with this whole sex-tape situation since things started to get messy in Jenny and Niki's Arabian Nights tent last week; if Adele can ostensibly take control of an entire movie shoot right under the director and producers' noses, couldn't she have come up with a better blackmail scheme than this? And weren't we already here in season 2, when Jenny, Shane, and Carmen all learned that Mark had been secretly taping their sexy time via hidden cameras? There's something rather anticlimactic about the way this storyline has played out. Come on, L Word! If you're going to subject us to a laughable third-tier "storyline" like Kit's Adventures With Firearms (for the love of Pete, what was that?), then you owe us some serious fireworks on the Les Girls front. Because I was disappointed in Adele's quietly detonated bomb; in my head, I was building up the big confrontation to look something like this, or perhaps this.
I guess Omarosa is the trans fat of Apprentice, because ever since her ouster last week, NBC has been advertising the show as an "Omarosa-free Celebrity Apprentice." But unlike a box of low-fat cookies, a healthy downgrading of a harmful substance didn't make things any less tasty. In fact, last night's Celebrity Apprentice was, as our dearly departed friend would say, just as "yummy, dude" as previous shows. (Especially with that Stevie B cherry on top). Luckily for us, though last night's episode was low on drama — thanks to Omarosa's firing — there were had plenty of quotables to keep viewers at home entertained. (And I give a big thank you to the lovely Lindsay Soll, who kept you all entertained during my absence last week).
So in honor of our dear departed Stevie B (pictured), I'll start us off with a quote that so fits our preaching Hollywood mogul-wannabe to a T, it was only fitting that he said it on the night of his ouster (in response to Trace's remark that Stevie B had crabs in his pants): "Those days are over."
Funny, reformed and delusional (with just a little bit of desperation thrown in for good measure), our Stevie B was made up of the perfect ingredients for a reality show contestant. (Can you tell this challenge made me hungry?). I have to say, as much as I've ribbed the guy in previous weeks for his tendency to reveal himself as a has-been actor desperate for a comeback, I'm really going to miss the Flea. Good thing we won't have to wait long to see him again — in an Apprentice twist, Trump announced that he would fire two more celebrities within minutes of re-entering the boardroom, and the two finalists will reunite with previously ousted contestants to fight for the win. (And certainly it will be a win that will "Knock you out," right Piers?). And though we have yet to discover who those two finalists will be, I will say it's a pretty safe bet to assume that Carol and Trace will make up the final two. Unless Trump wants to turn the finals into a battle between good vs. not-so-good — I'll reserve the "evil" stamp for our ousted Omarosa — in which case Piers might make the cut alongside Trace.
Merry Christmas: Reaper is finally back! (Yes, I know it's March, but the show only just got around to airing a yuletide episode that was next in line when the show went on break back in December.) Alas, last night's ep, "Hungry for Fame," didn't offer much to chew on, and it continued to underscore the widening gap on this series between the dull main plots (capturing the soul of the week) and the more interesting subplots (this time, it was Sam trying to convince a would-be rock star not to sell his soul to "Jerry"). At least the episode found a clever way to tie the two main strands together at the end.
The rocker (played by a surprisingly low-key Jamie Kennedy) was a street busker named Ryan — excuse me, Ryän. (Guess you can't rawk without a superfluous umlaut.) The Devil landed him a sold-out gig at an arena, planning to swoop in afterwards to sign Ryän to the record contract from hell. Sam (Bret Harrison, pictur
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