'The Hills' season finale: Nice day for a trite wedding
Dec 23, 2008, 07:48 AM | by Lindsay Soll
Categories: 'The Hills', Horrifying But Hypnotic, Reality TV
Season four of The Hills is finally over, but [insert grumbles and eye rolls] now we know that there's going to be a FIFTH one. As Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers would say: "Really? Really?" Yeah, as someone whose job requires her to carefully watch and take notes (notes!) on this ridiculous show, I've got more reason than most to root for its demise, but what in the world is there left for MTV to focus on, especially considering the network refuses to show the "celebrity" aspect of these girls' lives? Maybe they'll just make the entire fifth season about Heidi planning her big, dreamy wedding to Spencer? It would be like the network's own version of Bridezillas.
Yes, folks, it's true: Spencer and Heidi did not go through with their supposed marital confirmation at the courtroom last night, and because of that, I'm voting it my Up Hill Moment of the evening (DVR users can save time and brain cells by fast-forwarding to the 35:00 mark). Last week, rumors were spreading faster than Spencer's facial hair that everything about the entire courtroom scene was faked— from the judge to Heidi's boobs the actual courthouse itself. Plus, no one could find any record of a marriage license being filed under Pratt or Montag, though Spencer repeatedly insisted to the media that was because he'd checked the "confidential" box when they filed. It seems now, however, that the two haven't actually been legally married in the U.S.— as they didn't complete the civil ceremony— and we should probably all send flowers, chocolate, and money to mama Darlene for that. She swooped into town (as any caring mother would) to express her concern and disappointment in Heidi for "eloping" (yes, I'm still putting that word in quotes because I continue to be in denial that the whole Mexican fiesta ever happened). "That's my choice, mom, and that shouldn't affect you," Heidi said in retaliation. "It does affect me," Darlene replied as she started to tear up. "It affects a lot of people, and a lot of people have been hurt very deeply by this."
All Heidi could do was look annoyed. I wanted to jump through my TV
screen, give Darlene a Kleenex, and slap Heidi in the face. How could
she be so surprised that her mom would react this way? (I mean, it's
not like Darlene's rage wasn't plastered all over magazine covers
or anything.) Later on, Darlene tried to convince Spencer not to go
through with the courthouse wedding because she knew Heidi wanted a
real "fairytale" one. He, of course, sternly disagreed. Cut to
the aforementioned fake city hall scene, where Heidi apparently thought
she was greeting royalty (she literally gave the judge a curtsy. You
must go back and watch it. Genius.) and Stephanie apparently thought
she was getting her hair styled (her hair was more frazzled than she
was that day). Heidi got through all of her "I, Heidi, take thee
Spencer" (oy, just typing that makes me feel like I've sinned) mumbo
jumbo and then when it was Spencer's turn, he paused before— wait for
it— deciding to do something honorable. I repeat: Spencer did something
honorable! "If you in your heart are horrified that we're in a
courthouse," he said, "and your mom is crying and is not talking to
you, then we don't have to do this right this second...I just feel like
we're doing something sneaky right now and shady." Heidi's already overly bronzed
red face turned more red as she cried, "I want my mom here. I shouldn't
have to tell you that." Spencer then promised to give Heidi the wedding
of her dreams, adding that it'll be worth it to wait for that day. It's
about time he stepped up and acted like a man. My only question
is: Why wasn't he concerned at all that his family wasn't there? He's the one who made such a big stink about how important his Nana was just a few weeks ago, so what gives?
Bonus Up Hill Moment (21:00): Ignoring the fact that Heidi and Lauren supposedly reunited prior to the run-in that we saw at the opening of the SLS Hotel last night, I am surprised at how real and emotional their convo was. Okay, so Heidi may have acted a little like a giddy schoolgirl talking to her crush (e.g. she kept awkwardly referring to Lauren as "madame"), but she seemed to be genuinely happy to be in Lauren's presence. Lauren, on the other hand, remained aloof and apathetic as she asked questions like, "Are you happy?" The tears started to pour out (of Heidi mostly, though Lauren's eyes started to swell a little, too) when the subject of Heidi's mom and the loss of their friendship came up. "It just is what it is, it's not always fair," Lauren said in regard to the latter. Heidi nodded and randomly busted out with, "Have you been working out a lot?" Great segue, H. (I should totally use that line next time I'm in the middle of an uncomfortable conversation: "Lindsay, I think we should break up." "Uh huh, so have you been working out a lot?")
The topic quickly
turned heartfelt again when Heidi said, "I feel like I don't really get
older, like time just keeps like passing by, and I'm like wait, two
years ago, three years ago, seems like five minutes ago so much, you
know?" She may not be eloquent,
but it was refreshing to watch her be so open and sincere. The last
time we saw her like that was before she'd ever gone under the knife
Spencer ever existed in her life. Lauren offered her ex-pal a hug and
even told her she missed her. It was all very sappy, but just like
Lauren and Lo's recent trip to Laguna, it made me nostalgic for the old days.
Down Hill Moment: No timecodes needed here because this one involves anyone on your screen last night who currently has brunette hair (minus Heidi's mom). If you've traveled with me throughout our Hills excursion, then you'll know that I've pretty much lost the will to discuss anything relating to Audrina— especially when it comes to her big lug, Justin Bobby. He may have had the best quote all season (and quite possibly from the entire series run), last week when he said, "You should put up some signs," but I still can't get behind them as a a couple, as friends, or even as two people who share a love of leather and motorcycles. Last night, he whisked Audrina away to Palm Springs where they looked longingly into each other's eyes, discussed how excited they were to be away from the drama (a.k.a. Lauren and Lo), and called each other "rare." At some point, I think JB might've even produced piece of metal, er, I mean a ring, from his mouth to give to Audrina, but I have no idea why or even what it was for. Was it a promise ring? A small token of his love? A key ring holder? I'm not sure I even care. These two are so back and forth (she's being ridiculous one week, he's being a jerk the next) that it's pointless to get invested. I have, however, appreciated J. Bob's pristine fashion sense during his run on the show. Denim overalls are really underrated.
Okay, folks, for the last time in 2008, I now turn this recap over to you: What did you think about the season 5 announcement? What the heck was Whitney wearing on her head during the before-and-after show? Were you impressed by Spencer's random act of kindness or do you think it's another ploy in his attempt to take over the world? Do you think Lauren and Heidi will ever truly be friends again? Do you you even care? Finally, did you also simultaneously scratch your head and laugh out loud when Heidi muttered to her co-worker, Kimberly, at the SLS opening, "I haven't seen people look this dressy and this good in so long."
More on 'The Hills':
Is Speidi's marriage a big, hairy-faced sham?
Charlize Theron has never heard of 'The Hills'
Tom Cruise and 'The Hills': A match made in [you fill in the blank]
EW's cover story on season 4 of 'The Hills'
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