Marcia Brady's memoir: I read it so you don't have to!

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Jimmy B. Wed, Nov 19, 2008 at 04:35 PM EST

Scott Baio's newest memoir is a must-have - "Scotty B. is 45, Still Unmarried, and Still a Lame Laughingstock of a Human Being."

crazy joanie Fri, Nov 14, 2008 at 04:49 PM EST

Anson Williams, who played Potsie on Happy Days, also had a doozy, "Potsie Really Did Sit On It - And Loved It!" Then there was his smash follow-up: "Still Willing to Sit On It: The Depressing Life of a Nobody 70's Actor Waiting Desperately For a Happy Days Reunion Gig."

mr. and mrs. C Fri, Nov 14, 2008 at 03:00 PM EST

Donny Most, who played that wacky goofball Ralph Malph on TV's Happy Days, penned a beauty: "Unhappy Days Below the Belt: The Fonz was Hung Like a Parakeet." Also known as "Donny's Guide to Waking Up Every Morning and Not Killing Yourself."

Molly Ringwald Mon, Nov 10, 2008 at 12:34 PM EST

Judd, Ally, Emilio - can't we all just get along!!?? Yes, we're all has-been losers, our faces in the gutter, our talent long gone, or maybe never existing in the first place. We're laughable and worthless dregs of Hollywood's smelliest nether regions. So just go out and buy my book: "The Carpet Matches the Curtains: These Bee-Stung Lips Give the Greatest Head." It's fanatastic life-affirming advice from America's one-time sweetheart!

emilio estevez Mon, Nov 10, 2008 at 10:10 AM EST

Judd, I also heard there's a St Elmo's 2 being considered. I'm down with that!! How much can I get for it? Right now, I'm getting the big bucks - $1500 a movie. I mean, my lame movie on Bobby Kennedy sucked big time. Does anyone remember it? It was just so serious and self-important and forgettable. Hey, what's up with Demi and that Ashton a-hole? Be serious, that is so retarded! Charlie, my brother, can you spare a small loan? How about a small role in that sitcom of yours? I mean, right now I make even a douchebag like Jon Cryer look good!

Judd Nelson Sun, Nov 9, 2008 at 11:16 PM EST

Geez, Ally, that really hurts! I know my career has been stuck in the mud for 15 years (or more), and my face looks like the aftermath of a tractor accident, and I'm old and wasted (like you), but let's not personal here! By the way, I heard there's talk of St Elmo's Fire 2 - Is that true, is it, I mean, PLEASE let it be true, oh god please....

ally sheedy Sat, Nov 8, 2008 at 11:57 PM EST

Judd Nelson's first and second memoirs had me laughing, crying, and high-fivin' til I pooped my bloomers: "You Mean I Was Actually Famous Once - No Friggin' Way!" and "I Just Saw Myself in the Mirror - How Does One Properly Slit One's Wrists?" And please buy my book, "From the Breakfast Club to Breakfast at the Pancake House: Philosophical Blabberings of a Washed-Up Actress."

Dr Robbie, Psychotherapist Fri, Nov 7, 2008 at 05:48 PM EST

Dear Leslie, I urge you to get professional help. Any gay man who believes he's a female and blathers on about making fruit salad with a hip gay male is obviously in denial and in need of mental assistance. And you obviously don't know the meaning of "salad tossing," although I'm sure you engage in it all the time. Unsurprisingly, you claim to have had a drug problem - sounds like you still have it, yes? And watching more Brady episodes will only confirm your gay loser status. Please, get help. Any gay man with such delusions and silly talk needs professional attention right away.

leslie Fri, Nov 7, 2008 at 01:16 PM EST

Hey, 'Les' is a girl, my name is Leslie and I'm not a gay male.
So, to all you haters, get a grip. However, I would love to make 'fruit salad' with any hip gay male.
As for one that had substance abuse problems, I found Maureen's book very real, honest, and brave. Obviously, you have NO compassion or empathy for people with these issues, with these problems, or for being real.
You need to watch more 'Brady' episodes, like quick!
To anyone, I highly recommend her book. It's amusing and real. And I'm a girl, NOT a gay man!

SeerMax's Therapist Fri, Nov 7, 2008 at 10:53 AM EST

Folks, you'll have to excuse SeerMax, the poster below. I'm his psychiatric counselor and he has very serious emotional and social problems. He suffers from dysmorphic-homoerotic personality disorder, which means he's totally gay but denies it with his entire being. As you can see, he
has a powerful crush on David Hasselhoff - but reverses it into a foul hatred of the actor. He also thinks Maureen McCormick has had a career in the past that can be revived. This is simply delusional. He's also prone to lame platitudes like "Coming through the storm, and finally seeing the light" and goes gayboy ga-ga over celebrities who are "so honest." Please, SeerMax, come see me at once. I have much needed reading material for you:
"Lame House Husbands Who Get All Stupid and Girly About How They Had a Crush on Marcia Brady as an Adolescent." If you can't come to me,
then do us all a favor: Go to the nearest tree and hang yourself.

SeerMax Thu, Nov 6, 2008 at 09:56 AM EST

Considering how lethal Hollywood can be, when they no longer want you. So if Maureen can make a little coin, and revive her career,...so be it. At least she's not disgustingly embarrassing like Hasselhoff. I had such a crush on Maureen, for so long, and she is still hot stuff. I liked the book, simply because she was so honest,....and it keeps her demons at bay. Coming through the storm, and finally seeing the light,.....Maureen enjoy your new ride,.....you still have a lot of fans.

Gay America First! Thu, Nov 6, 2008 at 09:39 AM EST

Steve and Les, we love you! Keep on keepin' on! And we love Maureen and her book and we love frilly dresses and Judy Garland and the Village and pirate movies and the Brady boys and we love salami and salad and butt darts and outrageous campy things with pink and purple streamers!

Gay Men's Support Center Wed, Nov 5, 2008 at 04:40 PM EST

Steve and Les, keep up the great book reviewing work! You'll always have our love and guidance. By the way, we ran out of your favorite butt lube. Sorry, but you guys used up our whole supply! Please, calm down with the roto-rootering. You two should read the memoirs by the two younger Brady boys - God, they are SO cute! Also, pick up Chelsea Handler's autobio. Almost made me spill my K-Y.

Steve and Les (a couple) Wed, Nov 5, 2008 at 04:31 PM EST

Please read Maureen's memoir! It's such a fine, fine, fantastic read. It's simply fierce, I tell ya! We wept and hugged and then wept some more and then had a wonderful salad tossing. We give it 6 out of 6 stars - totally! We couldn't stop reading it and couldn't stop the butt munching, sometimes both at the same time. Hey, Maureen, my sister in arms, you go girl!! Whoo-hoo! And please ignore those immature posts. I mean, being moved and uplifted by a tacky memoir by an ex-Brady Bunch kid - now that's mature!

steve Wed, Nov 5, 2008 at 12:45 PM EST

To Les:
Yes, I liked this memoir too (ignore immature blog, I mean, who is Chelsea Handler anyhow?). Maureen's memoir is fantastic and is getting 4 stars out of 5 with most book reviews by readers. I started reading it and couldn't stop, it's that enthralling. She only talks about the 'Brady' years briefly, and her own personal life is very moving and uplifting. Good job Maureen!

Disgusted by Les Wed, Nov 5, 2008 at 09:30 AM EST

Les, you actually liked this trash?! You must be sooooooooo gay! Get a life, man. Buy the incredible Chelsea Handler book. She's soooooooooo cool and inspiring and funny and sweet and -- Oops, I just creamed in my undies. Excuse me, folks. Gotta go!

les Tue, Nov 4, 2008 at 12:37 PM EST

I actually bought this memoir and it's not that bad. She has had an interesting life. However, I notice (in the back) she acknowledges all the former Brady's except for 'Eve Plumb' and makes me wonder if they had a fallen out she is not sharing, yet.

Disgusted by Peter Sun, Nov 2, 2008 at 09:40 PM EST

Hey, Peter, you actually admit to liking something by a Spice Girl?! You total loser! What are you - gay or something? The only people liking anything by the Spice Girls are either 12-year old girls or butt darts. Even David Beckham vomits at the notion of a Spice Girls. So, why don't you bend it like Beckham - up the poop shute!

Peter Sat, Nov 1, 2008 at 01:52 PM EST

I'm not a huge fan of celeb memoirs, but there are a few I think are worthy:
Gilda Rander's "It's Always Something"
Lauren Bacall's "My Life"
Candice Bergen's amazing "Knock Wood"
and surprisingly, because I'm not a Spice Girls fan, but Geri Halliwell's "If Only" was surprisingly poignant and sad...

Jay & Dave Fri, Oct 31, 2008 at 04:31 PM EST

Bill Maher's "More Than Just a Really Ugly Mug: Smug Platitudes from a Small Lapdog for the Democratic National Party." Also referred to as "Short, Stupid-Looking, and Unfunny: The Making of a Late-Night Talk Show Host Who Thinks He Has Political Credibility."

The Kopechne Family Fri, Oct 31, 2008 at 01:32 PM EST

Ted Kennedy's "A Dunk Off of Chappaquiddick and Other Causes of Brain Cancer." Another Kennedy book worth reading: "JFK, Bobby, and John-John - And Ted's Still Alive? There's Surely No God!" Don't forget: "The Kennedy Clan: Drunk, Overprivileged, and Worthy of an Assassin's Bullet"

George Takei's ex-lover Fri, Oct 31, 2008 at 12:26 PM EST

Actually, Takei's book is titled "Always Room for a Pu-Pu Platter: Mr. Sulu's Guide to Royal Reach-Arounds and Fantastique Facials." Subtitled: "It May Be Small, But It'll Poke Your Eye Out!"

James Hong - America's Most Respected Old Asian Actor Fri, Oct 31, 2008 at 09:39 AM EST

Actually, George Takei's memoir is titled "Walk Like a Proud Yellowtail: Dynamic Career Advice For Gay, Senior Citizen, Asian Character Actors" Hey, George, you homo! You're a disgrace to the Asian-American community! Nobody wants to know that your a butt muncher. How dare you! What a heartache to find out that the honorable Mr. Sulu takes it up the hershey highway. By the way, folks, watch my newest movie, Balls of Fury. It's a hoot! Great comedy with that outstanding piece of tail, Maggie Q. Takei - hope your poop shute explodes!

William Shatner - yet AGAIN! Thu, Oct 30, 2008 at 04:12 PM EST

The late, great DeForest Kelley, Bones McCoy from Star Trek, came out with a doozy: "Damn It, Jim, I'm a Fictional Doctor in a Bad TV Series, Not a Real, Respectable Actor!" And James "Scotty" Doohan almost topped him with "The Trouble With Butt Tribbles and Other Scottish Rectal Ailments - Medicating Ointment on Stun!"

William Shatner - again! ha! Thu, Oct 30, 2008 at 04:03 PM EST

Please run to the store and buy Nichelle 'Uhura' Nichols' Star Trek memoir, "The Yawn-Inducing Life of a Bogus Black Role Model" - also known as "How Star Trek's Uhura Influenced the Civil Rights Movement and Other Laughable Untruths." Another piece of Trekkie gold from Walter Koenig, who played Chekov: "Pocket Money in Warp Factor 7: How to Make Decent Bucks Appearing as a Barely Memorable Science Fiction Supporting Character at Supermarket Grand Openings and Local Mall Promos."

robert rodriguez Thu, Oct 30, 2008 at 02:22 PM EST

Ted Bundy's phenomenal "Slicin' and Dicin' to the Front Page: The Making of an American Serial Killer/Celebrity/Ladies' Man." Quentin Tarantino's "Once an Alleged Auteur, Always a Frankenweenie-Looking Freak (Where's the Talent Gone?)" For even greater insight into Tarantino, read the autobiography by Jemima Picklefeather, the director's most faithful groupie: "Yeah, Quentin Looks Like a Hideous Dork, But He's Still Kinda Famous." For real insight into the Hollywood psyche, try the co-authored "Waking Dick-Wads Who Sound Stupid Trying to Talk Politics," by Ben Affleck, George Clooney, and Matt Damon. For even keener political ruminations from a celebrity, go for Madonna's "Lincoln Freed the Harlem Globetrotters So Your Kids Could Watch MTV: The Moldy Words of a Crotch-Shriveling Forgotten Old Cooze."

William Shatner Thu, Oct 30, 2008 at 10:53 AM EST

Bill Shatner here. The title of Nimoy's book is "Spock as the Totality of My Existence: The Ramblings of a Sci-Fi Bit Actor Who Thought He was Something Better." And it's not sold through Priceline. I last saw it being sold at the Salvation Army's street stand, next to the taco joint and the homeless shelter. Nimoy, get over it! You bite the big one! I'm Kirk, I'm TJ Hooker. I'm the cool one! What are you waiting for? More reruns of In Search of...? The next time I see you I'm gonna pull down my pants and put a nice load of Shat-ner on your face!

len nimoy Thu, Oct 30, 2008 at 10:38 AM EST

Just to clear things up. I never put the Vulcan sticky grip on Takei. That part in his book is a total lie! Anyway, the guy is uncut, and I like it shiny and smooth. By the way, read my book, "Yes, Shatner is a Total Dick Weed." I believe it's being sold on Priceline. So go lower, loser!

the real queen Thu, Oct 30, 2008 at 09:50 AM EST

Queen Latifah's "Mutts, Baboons, and Other Maybelline Cover Creatures." Totally fab reading about the newest fad in modeling: fat, black, and ugly.

george takei's hubby Thu, Oct 30, 2008 at 09:46 AM EST

Hey Rachel - George Takei's book is called "Warp Speed Between the Cheeks: Mr. Sulu's Way of Fud-Pucking." Fascinating stuff! Many great Star Trek anecdotes about homo-high-handing and salad tossing!

rachel elisabeth Tue, Oct 28, 2008 at 12:42 PM EST

George Takei's can't recall the title I found fascinating when I read it. I would love it if he wrote another one that discussed his homosexuality and dealing with it then and now and how much things have changed.

mirror image of you all Fri, Oct 24, 2008 at 01:05 PM EST

On the recommendations of EW's highly intelligent blog commenters, I emptied my life savings and bought almost every book mentioned in these comments. I must say, it's the best thing I ever did! I'm dead broke now, no job, divorced, no kids or friends, live in a basement apartment with no hot water - but I have the wisdom and feel-goodness and transcendence of an entire library of celebrity memoirs! Including Chelsea Handler! I'm truly, truly blessed! The Ed Asner and Jeff Conaway books alone make my life worth living. Go out and get these books - spend your children's college money if you have to! Sell your body, your soul, just read them and find the answers to everything in the universe. I especially loved Joe Piscopo's "Still from Joisey: Enlightenment from a 4th Rate Celebrity Turned Top McDonald's Fry Cook."

alec baldwin & family Fri, Oct 24, 2008 at 12:22 PM EST

Robert De Niro's "Tribeca and Black Tail: That's All I Got Now." Keeanu Reeves' "Homo Erectus in Denial: 1001 Ways to Prove You're Not Gay." River Phoenix's posthumous: "Gimme More of Them Drugs: The Neo-Hippe Musings of a Pretty Boy Corpse." Kim Basinger's "Vote for Obama and Sleep with the Homeboys: The Hollywood Way of Proving You're Progressive."

chevy chase Fri, Oct 24, 2008 at 09:06 AM EST

Paul Newman's autobiography a few years ago really made me cry like a baby: "Newman's Own Wisdom: True Salad Dressing Comes From Inside a Man's Pants." From the NY Times' Frank Rich, I was impressed by "The Obama Fantasy and Other Liberal Wet Dreams That Will Destroy America." Lorne Michaels, the Saturday Night Live head honcho, finally created something relevant with his confessional: "Unfunny Crap for 20 Years: I'm Really, Really Sorry, World."

Chevy Chase Fri, Oct 24, 2008 at 09:01 AM EST

Paul Newman's autobiography a few years ago really made me cry like a baby: "Newman's Own Wisdom: True Salad Dressing Comes From Inside a Man's Pants." From the NY Times' Frank Rich, I was blown away by "The Obama Fantasy and Other Liberal Wet Dreams That Will Destroy America." Lorne Michaels, the Saturday Night Live head honcho, finally created something relevant with his confessional: "Unfunny Crap for 20 Years: I'm Really, Really Sorry, World."

Heather Thu, Oct 23, 2008 at 07:05 PM EST

(At least) 2 Abortions? And we wanted to know you are a baby killer?! I don't think so.

Jackie Thu, Oct 23, 2008 at 01:22 PM EST

The Bradys were too sweet and soppy. I hung out at the Partridge place.

Donna Thu, Oct 23, 2008 at 12:57 PM EST

She needed the money. That's the point.

Thu, Oct 23, 2008 at 11:31 AM EST

Actually, I've had it up to hear with these celebrity memoirs. Similar to Hershel Walker's recent memoir where he makes revelations about his "multiple personality" disorder, this publications in my opinion is just exaggerated sensationalism or even fabrication about episodes McCormick's life. We've heard so many stories about self-destructive child stars to the point that this memoir, sadly enough, is just the norm for former kid TV stars. So why is Maureen McCormick's life story about drug abuse, promiscuity and disillusionment with her acting career anything new?

jason alexander Tue, Oct 21, 2008 at 03:52 PM EST

Michael Richards' "My Career was in the Toilet Before I Said the N-Word - So There!" James Gandolfini's "Tony Soprano and Then Nuttin' - I'm an Actor for Chrissakes! Gimme some Work! Fah-get-about-it!" Seinfeld's "Overrated Horse-Face: I Should Have Given a Piece of the Syndication Rights to My Buddy Jason."

conrad bain Tue, Oct 21, 2008 at 02:24 PM EST

Todd Bridges from Different Strokes wrote a heart-wrenching book: "Pee-Shooting Loser: What U Talkin' About, Career, and Where You Dun Goin'?!"

carrie fisher & co Tue, Oct 21, 2008 at 02:19 PM EST

I was really blown away by George Lucas' confessional: "The Ultimate Dark Side of Hypocrisy: How to Take a Beloved Cultural Icon and Reduce It to Over-Franchised Video-Game-Quality Junk." I also recommend from Benny Masterson, an extra on the Star Wars movies: "Even Inside the Wookie Costume, Lucas Reeked of Washed-up, No-Talent." And, who can forget Mark Hamill's "Not a Nibble After Star Wars, But at Least I'm Not That Garbage-Meister Lucas!" Or Harrison Ford's "No, Really, I Was Once a Worthwhile Actor. How Much For Indiana Jones 8?"

mortified a-hole Tue, Oct 21, 2008 at 01:44 PM EST

Hey there! Let's keep it clean and stay on topic! We're talkin celebrities here! Important stuff alert! How about David Duchovny's "I Only was a Sex Addict with My Wife, and Other Lame Lies from a Goofy-Looking Perv Wannabee."

bodegas brothers Tue, Oct 21, 2008 at 01:29 PM EST

Brad Pitt's: "My Balls Are in Her Pocketbook - Can I Say that Angie Dear? Can I?" I also hear there's a memoir penned by Madonna and Angelina Jolie as dual authors: "Love Those Little Sambos: How to Bring Africa to Beverly Hills and Look Chic and Concerned While Doing It." Ben Affleck's "Matt Gets the Good Roles, All I Have Are Memories of a Stinky Puerto Rican Hair Pie." Spike Lee's "Spike's Way: How to Race-Bait Hollywood and Still Make Really Bad, Self-Important Movies that Go To DVD in a Month." Harvey Fierstein's "Fatally Annoying Fairy: I Never Got AIDS and Other Oversights by God." Woody Allen's "Sun Yi Takes It Every Which Way: How to Artfully Chow Down on Very Young Chinese Takeout."

The USA Tue, Oct 21, 2008 at 08:34 AM EST

The next chapter in America's autobiography that one hopes will never get written: "The Nightmare We Brought on Ourselves: The Obama Presidency."

mainstream media Mon, Oct 20, 2008 at 11:28 PM EST

Barack Obama's just released third autobiographical work: "The Mendacity of Hype: How to Con 50 Million White People Into Thinking You're Special" Or Tom Brokaw's "Drop to Your Knees and Open Wide: The Liberal Media, Racial Guilt, and the Obama Factor."

glo steinem Mon, Oct 20, 2008 at 04:21 PM EST

Whoopi Goldberg's "Damn, I is Ugleeeeeeeeeeee!" Ted Danson's "Man, I Never Realized How Ugleeeeeeeeee She Was!" Margaret Cho's follow-up memoir: "All-American Hypocrisy: How to Play the Race Card When It Suits You." This was shortly followed by Jenny Dingleberry, Margaret Cho's ex-lover: "For the Love of God! You Mean I Let HER Sit on My Face!"

John Q. Brainless Mon, Oct 20, 2008 at 04:13 PM EST

"Chop-Chop Charlie: The Delighful True Story of America's Best-Loved Child Murderer/Overnight Celebrity." Oprah Winfrey's "Fat, Phoney, and Hypocritical: How to Get Way Too Many Stupid White Women to Adore You." Rosie O'Donnell's: "Carpet Eaters Can Be Obnoxious Pigs, Too!"

john amos Mon, Oct 20, 2008 at 03:51 PM EST

Jimmie "J.J." Walker's "Dyno-Meat! - Good Times at Spreadin' the Sausage." How about Betty White's "Dust in the Nether Regions: A Golden Girl's Guide to Ancient Mouth Play."

noname4 (the real noname) Mon, Oct 20, 2008 at 02:31 PM EST

noname3 is spot-on correct. Hey, EW, where are your monitoring professionals for this all-too-significant message board? I mean, come on!! Letting off-target and risque (but incredibly funny) comments on this board is a travesty of all that we in the sacred blogosphere hold dear. The horror! The horror! The only thing more inappropriate than the off-color posts is the amount of time and effort the people of America devote to purchasing "celebrity" outpourings. How about Paula Poundstone's "A Funny Lady Doing Funny Things: The Tiny Loves of a Kiddie Diddler." Or Paul Reubens' "Pee-Wee is Just a Stupid Character's Name: Don't Make Me Unzip!" Or Sharon Stone's "The Scorcese Gig in Casino was More Than a Fluke: Hire Me, Please, I'm Not Just a Really Bad, Skanky Actress." I really loved Cameron Diaz's "The Inconvenient Days of a Beautiful White Women Who Swears She's a Latina."

Nick Sat, Oct 18, 2008 at 01:19 PM EST

Read the biography of Slash cleverly titled "Slash." It's pretty rockin'

http://thelittlestwinslow.wordpress.com/

Ronny G Sat, Oct 18, 2008 at 08:07 AM EST

One of the great "lost" autobiographies of Hollywood Babylon history: "I Am Not Ashamed" by Barbara Payton, the 1950s film actress who self-destructed, ended up a prostitute, and died young.
John O'Dowd's recently wrote a bio on Barbara, "Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye" released November 2006.
More info: http://sunsetgun.typepad.com/sunsetgun/2006/06/i_am_not_ashame.html

noname3 Fri, Oct 17, 2008 at 09:32 PM EST

Hey, EW, I'm quoting here: "The rules: Keep it clean, and stay on the subject--or we may delete your comment. If you see inappropriate language, email us." Isn't anyone monitoring these message boards?

lennie Fri, Oct 17, 2008 at 02:04 PM EST

How about Lorenzo Lamas - wait a second, who the heck is he?? A Z-grade celebrity, you say? Oh, then he must be on his 5th or 6th autobiography. Anybody out there have a list of these must-read Lamas titles? Surely, they're right next to the Chelsea Handler books. Any multi-volume Jamie Lynn Sigler tomes out there? Playing Meadow on The Sopranos surely means we all want to read her life story. Especially on her work outside of that series. Astounding stuff! And how about any autobiographical works by that bit Sopranos actor who helped murder a NYC police officer? Gotta hear from him!

marty t Fri, Oct 17, 2008 at 01:53 PM EST

I really, really loved Emilio Estevez's book, "Where are You, Brat Pack Years? Even A-Hole Charlie Now Has a More Respectable Career Than I Do." Or Al Pacino's "Can I Be Any More Irrelevant? Laments From a One-Time Notable Actor"

sally field Fri, Oct 17, 2008 at 01:10 PM EST

What about Burt Reynold's first book, "As Long as I Have a Face, Loni Will Always Have a Place to Sit." His next one was almost as good: "Burt's Way: Bad Actor in a Bad Hairpiece (A Long, Long Time Since Boogie Nights?)"

facebook moron Fri, Oct 17, 2008 at 10:23 AM EST

I'm partial to Ronald McDonald's autobiography, "Yeah, I Made the Special Sauce - Where Do You Want It, Across the Chin?" How about that little guy from the Dunkin Donuts commercials: "Time to Make the Donuts - And That Chocolate Frosting May Have Some Spicy Chunks. Wink, Wink."

noname2 Fri, Oct 17, 2008 at 09:52 AM EST

Good point, noname! After all, EW is such a high-quality, high-standards site, and comment boards on celebrity memoirs are soooo not like garbage! keep up the great work, EW, by giving america's losers a forum to gush about famous people and their inspirational ups and downs. next up for publication: noname's "Butt Dart: The Meaningless Days of an Outraged Blog Poster."

noname Fri, Oct 17, 2008 at 09:42 AM EST

Obviously no one at EW ever bothers to look at or clean up these comment boards. Nice classy image you're presenting by leaving all the troll garbage up. Good work EW.

dave Fri, Oct 17, 2008 at 04:45 AM EST

by looking at maureen's picture i bet she could get a role in marilyn chambers call it birds of a feather fok together they both seem to fall in the same catagory low budget films. siskel and ebert would have given 2 thumbs down and like wise for the book. you might as well buy o.j. simpilton souviners they arent worth crap either. say hello to bubba oj and i aint talking shrimp butt you ll be doing some shrimping now in san quinten or where ever. toodles!!!

dave Fri, Oct 17, 2008 at 04:34 AM EST

all this talk about maureen makes me feel like i missed out on my childhood by not stepping up to the plate and getting my shot at her, what the heck is she doing with that king tut steve martin, i bet mr. brady had his turn at barry butt thats all hush hush right???? barry your secret is safe with me. say hello to michael j. too wink wink...

jersey boy Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 10:06 PM EST

I vote for Ralph Macchio's life-changing "Inside of Mr Miyagi's Kimono: The Sticky Nights of a Sushi Eater"

Ed Asner Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 10:04 PM EST

This is the real Ed Asner here. To the poster ted b. Don't denigrate Mary like that. She's a wonderful classy lady, even if she has had $2 million in plastic surgery. Geez, what a synthetic-looking mug on that one! Anyway, check out my book, "Passing Wind: Lou Grant's Guide to Farting and Fine Health." By the way, what was up with that Ted Knight sitcom where he was a cartoonist with two daughters and had that gay guy always hanging around? Man, that was some seriously retarded TV fecal matter! On second thought, Mary did give great head. And she swallowed as well!

HD Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 05:01 PM EST

My favorite Hollywood memoir was a book called "Uncommon Knowledge" by Judy Lewis. Judy grew up thinking she was the adopted daughter of Loretta Young but she was in fact the "love child" of Loretta and and a married Clark Gable. Hollywood in the 1930's was a very different place than it is today and a scandal like this could have ended both their careers. Loretta took great pains to keep this a secret but everyone in Hollywood knew the truth except Judy. Gable never admitted publicly that Judy was his daughter before he died in 1960 and Loretta did not admit publicly that Judy was her biological daughter until she died in 2000 and her biography was released posthumously. If anyone had the right to a hatchet job on her parents it would be Judy but instead it is a beautifully told story about a woman needing to claim her birthright and who has every right to do so.

ellen d. Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 04:07 PM EST

the best anne heche memoir is "Rug Munching Aint What I Thought It Would Be." Or Jimmy Baio's "No, I'm Not Chachi, Go Screw Yourself! Got a Dime to Spare?"

Vanessa Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 02:59 PM EST

OK, Ellie. I'm sorry you're a mutt. I didn't know. Go in peace, little doggie. Woof!

Ellie Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 02:45 PM EST

hahaha Vanessa. I did make a remark on which celebrity memoir I liked, and Paco called me a mutt.

ted b Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 02:39 PM EST

Ed Asner's "That Crazy Lovable Mary - She Gave Great Head"

mr celebrity Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 02:25 PM EST

You all gotta read Dick van Patten's "Those Eight is Enough Kids Should be Shot - Well, At Least One of Them is Dead." My personal fav - Jeff Conaway's "My Life After Taxi." I believe that's the best 2-page memoir I've read. And it has plenty of pictures! Can't wait for Steve Guttenberg's 11th autobiographical release - "Are You Sure They're Not Making Police Academy 13?"

jimmy kimmel Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 01:56 PM EST

Gary Coleman's "One Hung Low" The Life of a Little Man Who Gots the Big Stuff Down Below."

fulbright Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 01:24 PM EST

My favorite: "Lame House Husbands Who Get All Stupid and Girly About How They Had a Crush on Marcia Brady as an Adolescent." Another: "The Life Story of the 5th Runner-Up on American Idol - And You Idiots Will Actually Buy My Book." Or the inspirational: "I Was a YouTube Star for a Day - Read My Trite Musings and Feel Good ABout Youself."

eric edwards Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 01:06 PM EST

Ronny Jeremy's autobiographical masterpiece, The Rock Hard Times of a Guy with a Third Leg. Or how about Norman Fell’s legendary tell-all (He was Mr. Roper on Three’s Company): I Went Down on Mrs. Roper - And That Box Stank Like a Shipwreck. Another favorite: Anna Nicole Smith’s posthumous, I’m Dead Now, and it’s a Real Good Thing, Cause I was a Skanky Worthless Nobody Anyway.

tom byron Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 01:04 PM EST

Don't forget the unforgettable Vanessa del Rio's memoirs, I'm a 3-Input Girl - And Lovin' It!

menken Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 01:00 PM EST

How about: "The Many Losers Who Read Celebrity Memoirs and Actually Think They're a Good Read"

stiffy Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 11:54 AM EST

Yeah, I read Anne Heche's memoir 'Call Me Crazy' too and loved it! Especially, the part where she picked up a bunny slipper and thought it was a phone in a stranger's home after she got off her UFO journey! Loved it!

Adam Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 11:36 AM EST

I read a ton of these things. A few personal favorites:

David Lee Roth's CRAZY FROM THE HEAT for pure fun. I literally laughed out loud while reading it. Often.

Bruce Campbell's IF CHINS COULD KILL - Almost as much fun, plus he's quite candid and fairly humble (as much so as any autobiography writer can be)

Elizabeth Wurtzel's harrowing MORE NOW AGAIN - A tough read, and it may not make you like Wurtzel very much, but the book is really well written. It's a shame that she seems to have squandered her gift (or maybe just alienated her publisher?) since then.

Former Styx bassist Chuck Panozzo's THE GRAND ILLUSION - Surprisingly engaging.

I also like Michael J Fox's LUCKY MAN, mostly for his steadfast refusal to feel sorry for himself. A nice change from the "Gee it sucks to be a celebrity" type memoirs that one often sees on the market, from a guy who would have actually had a good excuse to write just that kind of book.

Dana Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 10:45 AM EST

Anne Heche's "Call me, Batshit Crazy"
very interesting

Vanessa Ruiz Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 08:49 AM EST

Hey, Ellie, stop picking on tiny grammatical errors by Paco. Is that the bulk of your contribution to a blog on celebrity memoirs? Maybe it has to do with his last name? You sound like a twerpy little racist. I'm sure you look oh-so pretty with your McCain-Palin button.

cindy mcalpin Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 08:16 AM EST

Bulimia can be a serious life threatening disease, read more about it and other celebrities who battled the disease on my blog www.hope4eds.wordpress.com

oh noes Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 07:03 AM EST

I recommend Kevin Costner's "Happy Endings"

skippy Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 07:02 AM EST

Mike Tyson's Into Bolivia is a must read, although a little ludacris.

Harold Ballz Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 03:14 AM EST

I thought Steven Seagal's "We Talkin' Autobiography Ova Heah?!" was a harrowing tale of ponytails, broken bones and amyl nitrates.

TENLETTERS Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 02:11 AM EST

I was in love with Marcia for the entire run of the show, and sent her thousands of letters declaring my love,maybe she would have been happier by accepting all I had to offer. Oh well, now I realize she was a stuckup girl who believed the hype of stardom and couldn't prevent her own downhill travel. Too bad!

JJ Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 01:49 AM EST

Celebrity Memoirs I Recommend:

Gilda Radner, It's Always Something
Tatum O'Neil, Paper Life
Rosie O'Donnell, Fine Me

(not child stars, but a celebrities nonetheless)
Ekaterina Gordeeva, My Sergei
Scott Hamilton, Landing It: My Life on and off the Ice

Capra Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 01:48 AM EST

I personally enjoyed John Barrowman's book. Insightful, funny, and very honest. The only ones John says anything negative about are the people who would make anyone's life hell. Otherwise, he's honest and quite funny. There are moments, as in anyone's life, where it's sad, yet touching. Such as when talking about his grandmother's death, or that of a dear friend from school.

He was approached by the publishers to write it, and said he'd do it if his sister could write it with him. He told the stories, and she put it in written format. (She is an English teacher after all.) John is always honest about events, even highly embarrassing ones. He doesn't talk trash about those he's worked with, even if it exists. And if he has an opinion about something, he shares it. I for one, found the book a great peek into the world of one of the world's best all around entertainers. And he's not done yet. I look forward to more, if that book is any indication of what's to come.

Amber Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 10:53 PM EST

I thought that sTORItelling was actually kind of boring. It was totally one sided; Tori never actually took responsibility for anything that she did - everything was someone else's fault, not hers. It got tiring after a couple chapters.

SB Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 10:08 PM EST

I thought Jane Fonda's MY LIFE SO FAR was very good. She was very humble & just stated where her head was at during those times. Also, Chelsea Handlers are hilarious!!!

Trish Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 08:50 PM EST

"The Dirt".........Motley Crues book.........A MUST read.

Carla Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 08:21 PM EST

In the child-star sweepstakes, I read Donny Osmond's a few years back, and was very impressed with him! He could have done a real 'Christina Crawford' job on his father if he had wanted, but he took the more loving, adult route and learned from the best of his experiences.

Alli Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 08:02 PM EST

Alan Alda's memoir "Never Have Your Dog Stuffed" was really light, witty, and completely devoid of ego. After I finished I wanted to hang out with him.

Nix Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 08:01 PM EST

Since I scanned only 3 comments I won't accuse a Torchwood fansite for comment-bombing, but I do have a question: how can Barrowman's AUTObiography be written by someone else? Either it's a biography (or, probably ore to the point, a biographical memoir) written by his sister, or an autobiographical memoir with him as the author (either ghostwritten or written "with" his sister.)

Tori Peters Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 07:34 PM EST

I don't think anyone has a right to judge someone's life until they Walk in their shoes............ If she wants to write a book to share her life experiences, good for her it could help someone going through the same experiences........

Ellie Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 07:10 PM EST

Hey Paco, it's "Then again..."

Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 06:55 PM EST

Michael J. Fox's autobiography "Lucky Man" is a great read.

Mikey M Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 06:41 PM EST

Does she touch on her supposed affair with Eve Plumb?
I remember hearing that when this book was being written that she was going to talk about it.

Sue Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 06:26 PM EST

Sammy Davis's Yes I Can.

Bobbi Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 06:12 PM EST

The most recent autobiography I really enjoyed was Janis Ian's "Society's Child". Not only did I learn a lot about her, it was a fascinating history of the music industry in this country over the past 40 years.

Rob Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 06:03 PM EST

Thanks for reading this. I definitely don't want to. What makes these celebrities think spilling it all (even for money) is worthwhile? I'm just a regular person and I'd be terribly embarrassed if my faux pas were revealed to all the world. I feel bad for her daughter, whom I can't imagine wanted to know her mom "that" well.

Anyway, I don't read a lot of celebrity bios, but I did read Katherine Hepburn's "Me". It was fabulous.

annie Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 05:54 PM EST

i couldn't put sTori Telling down, i read it in 2 days. and i bawled at the end.