'America's Got Talent' recap: The season premiere!
Jun 18, 2008, 03:20 PM | by Gretchen Hansen
Categories: 'America's Got Talent', Mini TV Watch
Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, and ''the legend that is David Hasselhoff,'' (see: Knight Rider, Baywatch, and uh, YouTube) were back last night to judge another season of America's Got Talent. Or: Some Americans Got Talent; Most Got Too Much Free Time. Finding a rare gifted gem amongst the sea of untalented masses is no easy feat. For every Neil E. Boyd, the insurance salesman/opera singer/future winner, there are a couple thousand like Bill B. Curlee, the Tom Jones impersonator otherwise known as Serious Mysterious. Don't let the awesome nickname fool you. His voice wasn't so much a voice as it was a noise violation.
America's Got Talent reaffirmed the following American truths:
* We are suckers for slow motion music montages.
* We don't care if kids have talent or not. Kids are adorable so it doesn't matter. During 4 year-old Kaitlyn Maher's rendition of ''Somewhere Out There,'' I was so nervous she'd forget the words that I was mouthing them along with her. And how freaking cute was that little accordion player who, after getting booted, told the judges ''I did my best''? If that didn't make you "AWwW" out loud then you're missing a soul.
* We got very poor grammar. Luckily it's summer, the glorious time when grammar rules are null and void, when reality programming hits you like a wall of humidity and you have no choice but to sit paralyzed in front of a TV and a fan and let the record-breaking temperatures and new network programing make you a little insane.
I don't know if it was the heat or Jonathan Burkin twirling fire-shooting batons, but I thoroughly enjoyed last night's two hour season premiere extravaganza. Even host Jerry Springer was fun -- his legitimate concern that 80 year-old Mary Bly would tap dance right off the stage was both heartfelt and hilarious. (Don't go near the edge… don't let her go near the edge…someone get her away from that edge?!!) The bad acts were horrifically bad: Nick stopped by to show off his freakishly long tongue. Harold painted his face white and had a seizure. A Singing Santa Claus and a dance troupe of zombies anxiously waited for their chance to waste the judges' time.
But the real deals were there, too: Nuttin' but Stringz (violin playin', beat boxin', R+B brothers), Extreme Dance FX (psychedelic Riverdance), and even Jonathan Arons (toot-toot beep-beep dancer disguised as a boring trombone player) were all entertaining, or bloody brilliant, or barking mad to watch.
Note to women planning to try out in the future: Give yourself or your group a provocative name (i.e. Slippery Kittens), wear as little clothing as possible, rip off what little clothing you're wearing while on stage, and you will undoubtedly get the Hoff's approval. You're goin' to Vegas, baby!
So who were your favorite acts? Does America have talent? And riddle me this: If Piers is the Simon and Sharon is the Paula, what would be the Hoff's American Idol equivalent? You'd think Randy, but I'd say more of a Simon/Paula hybrid.

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