Home'Celebrity Apprentice' recap: We Have a Winner
Mar 28, 2008, 09:00 AM | by Kate Ward
Categories: 'The Celebrity Apprentice', Mini TV Watch, Reality TV
Well, dear readers, we've reached the end of the very entertaining parade of egos that was the first season of Celebrity Apprentice. And though Trump and Co. tried to maintain a level of suspense throughout the finale last night, it was pretty obvious from the get-go just who was going to take home the Celebrity Apprentice crown. Yes, after a live boardroom that featured a Japanese-speaking Gene Simmons, some sexual innuendo courtesy of Ivanka, and a performance from our finalist Trace — just think what kind of show we would have gotten had Playboy alum Tiffany Fallon cracked the top two! — Piers was awarded the title of the Celebrity Apprentice (seems Trump prefers the evil to the good after all). And in all fairness, even though we all wanted to see the ever-affable Trace win the whole shebang, there's no denying that Piers was the star of this show, obnoxious exterior and all.
Last night, we began with an image of Trump sitting in his boardroom as if he were ready to address the union, only to realize that — we're live! I'm not sure who Trump and Co., convinced to sit in that audience for two hours on a Thursday night — maybe anti-Rosie allies Bill O'Reilly, Barbara Walters and Star Jones? — but somehow, it did appear to be a pretty packed house. Of course, The Donald had to make sure that the announcer named him "the biggest celebrity of them all" ("I'm gonna be HUGE."), and told his audience that "it's been a phenomenal season." Sure, it was a decent season, what with all the Gene Simmons hijinks and Stevie B nonsense — but we all know The Donald would have called it a phenomenal season even if the final showdown was between a plunger and a rubber ducky that he found in his bathroom. It is impossible not to take this man with a grain of salt.
Now, on to the challenge: Piers got to work straight away, making a round of calls that made me wonder how exactly a tabloid king like Piers managed to make friends with all the bigwigs he likely tore apart in the papers (you've got to admire someone who could pull that off). First, he managed to get Sharon Osbourne on the phone, and then asked for some help from Broadway legend Andrew Lloyd Webber, who seems to be desperate for reality TV exposure this year (see: his upcoming appearance on American Idol). And speak of the devil, the great Simon Cowell himself made an appearance as well, albeit by telephone (looks like that $8 million contract with that Fox show goes a long way, as the cranky Brit spent $100,000 to shop with Ivanka — here's hoping she shows him there's more to fashion than black t-shirts).
The tabloid king was on a roll, at least when it came to garnering those auction packages. In fact, it looked like Piers' only mistake was choosing Stevie B as a member of his team. Dude could only nab five of his people to attend the charity auction, and he seemed to contribute little more than incessant babbling. But it was somewhere between Stevie B's rousing rendition of "Hallelujah" and his talking to Trace's kids that I suddenly realized that — gasp! — I actually really love the dude. Really, would Celebrity Apprentice have been the same without that Stevie B cherry? I think not. (And it seems the studio audience feels the same way — you woulda thought that one of the Jonas Brothers had walked in the room the way the girls began screaming for him).
Speaking of Trace's children, seriously, how cute were those girls? If I were Trace, I would've conspired to plant my 6-year-old right in front of Trump during the final boardroom — after all, we all know that Trump can't resist a well-dressed, cute blonde, right? Too bad the country star was too busy with wheatgrass-gate to hatch any such plans. The Backstreet Boys still managed to be a handful just hours before their performance, demanding black nail polish, of all things, from Trace. (This led the country star to blurt out one of his many quotables of the night: "So, the most heterosexual cowboy on the planet and the three-time heavyweight champion of the world go to buy fingernail polish. Not for a woman, not for our wives, for a man.") Turns out, though, that the BSB didn't need the wheatgrass juice after all, as Trace noted, because they put on a decent enough show to entertain the crowd of drunken, hungry philanthropists (emphasis on drunken).
The auction itself was an obvious win for Piers, who landed some big bidders (see: Simon Cowell, Howard Lutnick, etc.). It's odd, though, that Trace's brigade of country stars — including Eddie Montgomery, who looked like he bought that heinous, patched coat from the Quaker Factory on QVC — neglected to spend much money at the charity auction itself. I know these country folk may not have the same amount of cash as, say, Simon Cowell or a Cantor Fitzgerald executive, but you think they'd at least shell out a few thousand bucks for the sake of charity and their country kin. You do, however, have to give them props for trying, but it was fairly obvious that Piers outsold his opponent by a wide margin. Not that we should have expected otherwise — since Piers was the finalist responsible for the charity auction itself, it's only natural to assume that he would be able to put together more attractive packages while Trace was running around searching for wheatgrass (hint for the future, Trace: try a Jamba).
But let's move on to that final boardroom, shall we? After all, we know that the boardroom is Trump's favorite part of the show, but let's face it: it's not because it's the most action-packed portion, as he claims, but because it's the only part that stars Trump. Any warm fuzzies generated from the charity auction went right out the door as soon as the two finalists sat down in the boardroom: Piers began pointing out how he "pulverized" Trace when it came to the charity auction and began chastising Stevie B for his moral superiority complex. Even Ivanka did her fair share of trash talking when she said she would be embarrassed if she were the BSB, what with the way they treated our poor, wheatgrass-seeking Trace. And then there was the discussion as to who owned the "ugly" title in our battle between the good, the bad, and the ugly (Piers' assertion: "Lewis.") Though Trump prolonged the live boardroom a good hour — thanks to a celebrity reunion of sorts, and clips from the show — the night ended the way we all figured it would, and Piers and the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund took home the big prize.
Were you happy with the result, PopWatchers? Do you think good should have trumped evil, regardless of how much money each raised for charity? Was it me, or did Marilu look smokin' during the live show? Did you like the live laugh track? Were you amazed hearing Trace's story about how he once performed live just hours before getting 18 inches of his colon cut out? Would you buy Trace's single? And finally, did you ever expect that Gene Simmons would be filming a movie in Japan? 'Til next time, dear friends!
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