'The Bachelor' season finale: None of the above!
Nov 20, 2007, 12:43 PM | by Michael Slezak
Categories: 'The Bachelor', Mini TV Watch, Reality TV
Every season on The Bachelor, there's one moment guaranteed to make me want to vomit. Okay, that happens eight times an episode, but seriously, I can always taste the bile when the bachelor dumps the runner-up, tries to coax her into sharing how heartbroken she's feeling (loud enough for the cameras, please), puts her in a limo, and then prepares to get down on one knee and propose marriage to another woman. How is it the "lucky" bachelorette can accept such an offer when some other broad's tears haven't yet evaporated off the bachelor's shoulder?
Last night, though, on the season finale of The Bachelor: Bar Owner and a Texas Millionaire, Brad pulled a fast one. (Click here to read Bachelor producer Mike Fleiss' take on the brouhaha.) Brad went to Chopard and "bought" a ring (on ABC's Master Card, perhaps?). He flashed his abs one last time while putting on his crisp white shirt. He stood before Jenni (right) and told her how from the moment he met her, he was taken aback by her gummy "beautiful smile." And then he kicked her to the curb, told her how much he (!) was hurting, and sent her away. Maybe she wore one too many strapless, elastic-top, baby-doll dresses. Maybe it was the way she sobbed uncontrollably while giving her desperate declaration of love: "I just need you to know that I would do whatever it takes -- whatever it takes -- to make you happy and to make this work." Maybe it was her failure to make a homemade lasagna or a promise that she'd move directly to Texas -- without passing go and without spending another season as a Phoenix Suns dancer -- that caused Brad to reject her. Whatever the reason, Jenni was history, like the Dead-Sea Scrolls. I just wish she hadn't been so damn gracious and told Brad she hoped he'd end up truly happy.
Enter, DeAnna (left), clad in a tragically unflattering gold baby-doll dress, led to her fate on the arm by smarmy hostbot Chris Harrison. And there was Brad, declaring how "marriage is one time and one time only," and then suddenly, stepping away from DeAnna, circling like an uncomfortable cat trying to fluff up its bedding, rubbing his hands together, and delivering this whopper of a monologue: "I want so badly to be so confident. To pick you up and twirl you around and give you a diamond ring and spend my life with you. But I can't look you in the eye and tell you that I love you. I can't. I can't give you any promise that I can't keep. I refuse to do that. I have to tell you goodye." BAM! Brad's twin brother Chad would not be gaining a sister-in-law/employee bartender after all. Maybe it was DeAnna's failure to let a dripping wet Brad hug her after his brothers tossed him in a pool. Maybe Brad was disturbed by the way DeAnna's eyelashes batted at the speed of a hummingbird's wings every time they were alone together. Maybe it was DeAnna's totally ferocious declaration that if they ended up together, she was going to want "the dishes put where I want. The laundry done the way I want." (Side note: This is a totally reasonable request, even if my husband would vehemently argue otherwise.) It was a doozy of a moment, yes, but oddly underwhelming from a dramatic standpoint. Brad's blank expression, his inability to articulate his thoughts, and especially his unrelenting determination to follow ABC's rules and try to get DeAnna to burst into tears all made the whole experience feel oddly inorganic.
The best part of the night was seeing DeAnna reject her role as fawning patsy. When Brad turned to her and pleaded, "Do you know how much I care about you?," Deanna's response -- "No, I don't." -- felt genuine, and genuinely refreshing. I mean, imagine you're expecting an engagement ring, you get a big old boot -- on national television? Are you really going to smile and hug the dude and wish him every happiness? Or are you going to place your hand on your hip, cock your head to one side, and offer up a bellowing, "Aw hell no!"? Okay, so DeAnna was probably under contractual obligation to exit the building hand-in-hand with Brad, but at least she never doubted her own fabulousness during her exit interview, leaving Brad to stand there, confused, asking "You're closing me out here, aren't you?" Um, yeah, Sherlock.
Unfortunately, though, Brad's shocking anti-decision, and his complete lack of explanation for breaking up with both women, means that I'll be forced to tune in to ABC again tonight, for The Bachelor: After the Final Rose. And in a way, it makes me a lot like Brad, since I'll be going through not one, but two, painful breakups.
What did you think of the episode? Did you see the twist coming from a mile away or was it a total shocker to you? And how do you think Brad will explain himself tonight?
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