Can music hipsters make Americans care about soccer?

Aside from college fight songs and a handful of pro franchise crowd faves (like "Hail to the Redskins" and "Go New York Go New York Go"), American sports lack great team songs and anthems. Most stadiums and arenas pump out the same Top 40 hits night after night, and when teams decide to make one song their go-to jam, it usually makes very little sense and has nothing to do with the city. (For example, the Celtics always play "Welcome to the Jungle" during the fourth quarter, though no one actually calls the TD Banknorth Garden "the jungle" anymore.) Meanwhile, crowd participation usually revolves around uninspired chants like "DE-FENSE!" and "Kobe is an a--hole!" (I actually like the latter).

Meanwhile, the football-crazed culture that reigns in most other parts of the globe — in particular, Europe and South America — has singing at its very core. Anyone who has been fortunate enough to attend a Premier League match (or even watch a World Cup game on TV) has heard the ceaseless chorus of club songs and incredibly inappropriate chants pouring out of the stands. Fans of England's national team have anthems like Baddiel and Skinner's "Three Lions," while diehards can be brought to tears by the sounds of "You'll Never Walk Alone." Even musical missteps like the "Anfield Rap," a ridiculous track recorded by Liverpool's '88 squad, have an organic feeling to them that had more to do with sporting zeitgeist than commercial success (though it did reach No. 3 in the UK charts).

Now, after importing David Beckham to our shores, Major League Soccer wants to get in on the tradition. Not surprisingly, its efforts smell deeply of corporate interference. Adidas has paired the 13 MLS teams with local artists and bands to create "anthems" that can be sung in stadiums and downloaded for free at the "MLS Represent" website. Fans can even create their own music videos with MLS footage and then send it to friends or rivals! At least hooliganism should be kept under control — instead of beating one another with brass knuckles, fans can just make a really great Polyphonic Spree video with the title "FC Dallas ROCKZ!!!"

The problem is not so much that all of the songs are awful (though most are). "Here Comes the Fire" by OK Go (pictured) has an almost White Stripes-like bassline and passable lyrics, though admittedly the name Chicago Fire is more conducive to song-making than, say, the Kansas City Wizards. Mike Jones' "Houston Dynamo" track is incongruous enough to be enjoyable, and, to its credit, the Rapture's cheesy "Whoo! Alright, Yeah... Uh Huh" sort of makes me want to drink a Red Bull... in New York (or New Jersey). Finally, "¡Chivas Explosivas!" makes up for terrible lyrics with some upbeat Latin flair — perfect for a soccer community that highjacks most of its traditions from South American fandom anyways.

The real problem is that this whole thing feels so forced, so contrived and so pointedly marketed at an audience that is probably defined around the boardroom table as "young" and "urban." Do they really think that fans are going to be chanting techno and indie rock songs during matches? These tracks — each with a suspiciously high rate of repetition on the team name — seem destined for 30-second commercial spots and lame entrance ceremonies. Just as  Beckham brings the red carpet to the soccer arena, these "anthems" create more auxiliary entertainment that may attract some momentary attention, but won't create the type of passion that fuels long-term fandom.

Don't get me wrong — I love soccer and I wish the MLS the best of luck. But the league needs to understand that true fandom starts in the stands, not the boardroom.

And seriously: Would it have been too much to enlist Mrs. Beckham and her fellow Spice Girls to do the LA Galaxy song?