Home'The Bachelor': Now with twice the 'love'!
May 22, 2007, 04:50 PM | by Michael Slezak
Categories: 'The Bachelor', Reality TV, Things That Make Me Die Inside
Is there anything more thuddingly dull than a Bachelor season finale? Thank heavens for DVR rewind, because I actually began to doze off about an hour into the interminable conclusion of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman. I guess when it comes to ABC's seemingly indestructible dating franchise, I prefer the early weeks of sobbing, competitive bitchery to a 120-minute litany of earnest, moon-eyed, love declarations. In the final segment of the show alone — from the time Tessa (pictured, right) got out of the limo until the big proposal — Andy (center) unleashed a torrent of clichés, including: "wish come true," "sky's the limit," "shoot for the stars," "rollercoaster ride," "beyond my wildest dreams," and a double dose of "anything is possible."
Which still wasn't as big a turnoff as his decision to drop the "L-bomb" on his last dates with both Tessa and Bevin (left). Having (unfortunately) read a couple weeks ago about Tessa spoiling the finale beans, I was aghast to hear the "officer/gentleman" whisper, "I love you too, Bev," after their screaming helicopter date. And how creepy was it to hear him insist, "I want to hear you say it" (for the camera), when Bevin showed the slightest reluctance to declare her feelings to him one last time? I guess in Andy's mind, an "I love you, too" doesn't mean nearly as much as an "I freakin' love you!" — which he broke out after receiving a hideous photo collage from Tessa.
Thankfully, we had the home visit to entertain. It's just a shame Andy's grandparents weren't introduced sooner. The only thing better than Grandpa Baldwin's succinct assessment that Andy was "turned on by Bevin!" was hearing Grandma Baldwin declare that, after 60 years of marriage, "I still like him!" (And maybe the family's silent "Ba-Who?" reaction to Bevin's Baha'i religious upbringing.) That said, I felt like Grandma was pulling for Bevin, in spite of (or perhaps because of) her research on the topic of libido in menopausal women. "I don't know how much the Baldwins talk about sex or libido or sexual dysfunction," Bevin wondered nervously during her confessional.
But at least Bevin knew when to keep her mouth shut — refusing to let Andy off the hook after he gave her the old "this is not a rejection at all" heave-ho (no pun intended). Indeed, the only thing that would've made Bevin's freeze-out even more satisfying would've been seeing her push Andy away, demand that he get his two-timing hands off her, and then march to the limo on her own. I mean, she let dude cop a feel while he was supposed to be flying their chopper!
I wonder how Tessa is feeling now that she knows her man toyed and smooched with Bevin mere days before he popped the question. And I wonder if Bevin's tears had dried on Andy's shoulder before he got down on bended knee before Tessa. Sort of puts a damper on ABC's relentless promos promising "the most romantic proposal ever." Of course, as my friend Joe points out, since that's the way ABC hypes every final rose ceremony, one has to wonder if somehow they think each ensuing incarnation is more romantic than infinity. Which kinda makes me flash back to Andy's bizarre quote, "I just hope that I've made the right decision today for my future and for eternity." Funny enough, in the context of the Bachelor season, I actually think he might've. Just as long as there are no televised nuptials.
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