The Joan Rivers-Lisa Rinna smackdown transcript
Apr 19, 2007, 06:00 AM | by Michael Slezak
Categories: 'Dancing With the Stars', Celebrity Feuds, Emmys, Golden Globes, Television
You may have already heard that the TV Guide Channel booted trashy, unpredictable Joan and Melissa Rivers (pictured) as its red-carpet hosts and replaced them with the fabulously earnest Lisa Rinna. Which is kind of a pity, really. What you may not have heard (since it only happened in a dark, highly caffeinated corner of my brain) is what went down when the elder Rivers and Rinna bumped into each other in a Walgreens parking lot in West Hollywood.
Joan: Well if it isn't Josie Bissett!
Lisa: For the last time, Joan, I'm Lisa Rinna.
Joan: Does it matter?
Lisa: I guess not, since no legitimate network would put you on live TV again anyway.
Joan: Oh, please! I've been a household name since your husband was wearing a loincloth in Conan the Barbarian. You think this little setback with the TV Guide Channel is going to stop me?
Lisa: It was Clash of the Titans, Joan. And you've got to admit the time was right for you to hang up your mic. I mean, you don't even recognize half the celebrities you're interviewing on the red carpet...
Joan: And who needs to? Whether it's Gwyneth Paltrow or Julia Roberts, you're gonna shove a mic under some snooty cow's nose and ask, "Who are you wearing?"
Lisa: Juicy Couture tracksuit, Jimmy Choo shoes...
Joan: [Howls.] Oh, Christ!
Lisa: Laugh all you want, Joan. Red-carpet coverage is serious
business. Audiences won't settle for some pterodactyl in a knockoff
gown, squawking non sequiturs.
Joan: That's rich, coming from a woman who fought for the Dancing With the Stars trophy like it was a freakin' Oscar!
Lisa: There's no shame in being all you can be.
Joan: But there is shame in finishing fourth behind some wrestling chick and a washed-up member of 98 Degrees!
Lisa: You want to talk shame? How about that made-for-TV biopic where you and your daughter played yourselves?
Joan: I don't remember that.
Lisa: Tears and Laughter: The Joan and Melissa Rivers Story?
Joan: Nope, not ringing a bell.
Lisa: Are you serious?
Joan: Honey, I'm not that good an actress.
Lisa: You're telling me!
Joan:
But you people are gonna miss me when I'm gone. I single-handedly
brought more fun and spontaneity to the red carpet a whole army of
smarmy Ryan Goslings.
Lisa: I think you mean Seacrest.
Joan: Does it matter?
Lisa:
No, Joan, actually, in this case, it doesn't. And yeah, don't tell
anyone, but I'll miss your ridiculous interview style, just a little.
Joan: So you're saying you might try to keep my irreverent red-carpet spirit alive, after all?
Lisa: Not a chance.
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