ABC's revival of The Superstars premiered last week, and it's on again tonight at 8 p.m. ET. Maksim Chmerkovskiy, who dabbles in both ballroom dancing and dropping by our office, is currently in first place with his partner, freeskiing star Kristi Leskinen. (He's the "celebrity" and she's the "athlete," which must really boil his blood, so it's a good thing he's in the water.) I watched the premiere out of devotion to my fake DWTS boyfriend, assuming it'd be incredibly lame. The whole thing is basically an advertisement for Atlantis Resort and Casino disguised as a giant obstacle course, so it's already ridiculous just on principle. And it is pretty dumb, to be honest, but in a totally benign, Wipeout-y kind of way -- so stupid it's oddly calming. At one point, I realized I was willingly spending my life watching 16 random people "white water raft" down a man-made lazy river and thought to myself, "Why would you do this?" But maybe a better question, especially during these troubled times, is "Why wouldn't you do this?" After all, silly self, it's Maks. [BIG SPLASH.]
Anyone else tuning in to Superstars tonight? Joanna Krupa and Terrell Owens are back because Jennifer Capriati got injured, so maybe Joanna can completely wig out on T.O. again for being too big and slow to navigate his behemoth body through a complicated barricade. Just be sure to hit mute whenever Ali Landry appears on-screen. God, her voice is annoying.
I'm not doing a great job selling this show, huh? Should've just left it at "I mean why not?"
No, I'm not talking about some sort of epic Gandalf-Saruman-esque showdown (as awesome as it would be to watch Merlin fight himself). I'm talking about the epic fight for supremacy that's currently going on in my imagination between Colin Morgan -- the actor portraying the wizard in the new Merlin miniseries, airing tonight at 8 p.m. on NBC -- and Sam Neil, the actor who expertly stepped into Merlin's magical shoes more than a decade ago.
Sure, 1998's Merlin already has the advantage, being that it's my favorite miniseries of all time, and I have yet to see tonight's Merlin. But my colleague Adam Markovitz has made a strong case for Morgan in his B+ review of the miniseries, which began last Sunday: "There's enough sword-clanging action -- not to mention homoerotic tension -- to keep viewers happily entertained for a spell."
So let's weigh their pros and cons. Morgan's pros: 1) He's a looker, 2) Re-imagined as a youngster, Merlin is likely more productive in night-time battle, considering his ability to go to bed after 8 pm. Cons: 1) Battling at dawn proves more difficult, without chalices full of Red Bull, and 2) I can't seem to get behind a character that has strayed so much from its original form (blasphemy!). Now, let's look at Neil's Merlin. Pros: 1) He's awesome, 2) He's guides Arthur, defeats Mab, and gets the girl all on his own, and 3) He's awesome. Cons: Well, I'll let you guys fill in the cons on this one, because I really can't think of any!
Who wins the battle for supremacy, folks? And will you be watching Merlin tonight?
I suppose we should give the George Lopez TV movie Mr. Troop Mom (premiering tonight at 8 ET on Nickelodeon) a free pass for completely ripping off the inimitable 1990 Shelley Long literally-camp classic Troop Beverly Hills. But only because it's Father's Day weekend. Trailer below.
I'm guessing the target demo will never have heard of Troop Beverly Hills, so even pointing out the striking similarities between the two may be pointless. Still: Jane Lynch's hardass khaki enthusiast = TBH's Velda Plendor, who never met a skunk she didn't want to immediately turn into a hat. George Lopez wears an argyle sweater vest in the mountains; Phyllis Neffler (Long) has a designer transform her Wilderness Girls uni into a "complete look" featuring a silk beige cape. Also, this thing looks like that thing, and don't even get me started on the identical "newly brave parent steps out on a precarious log" climax. Sadly, I see no Craig T. Nelson in the Mr. Troop Mom trailer. He better swoop in to save the day if George Lopez would like to eat a pickle is all I'm sayin'.
This all makes me a bit sad, but that's not to say there isn't room for both. Seriously -- parents! -- if your tweens enjoy Mr. Troop Mom, go out and rent them Troop Beverly Hills. Am I wrong, P-Dubs? Does TBH hold up today?
I used to casually look away when it came on, but to no avail: The Wendy's commercial about the "Frosty Posse" has taken over the already-tiny "useful" section of my brain. By knowing it so well, I've elevated myself to "fairly in the know" status re: Top 40 music. This couldn't be lamer. But it's not entirely my fault. The song -- which may have inspired Jay-Z's "D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)" -- is an entire minute long!
A friend of mine used to joke that I have at least a 10 percent chance of dying (happily) with my lips firmly suctioned to the spout of a Frosty machine. Seriously, what a way to go.
Should fast food ads quit trying to be music videos? I say no. But if you happen to be sitting across the subway car from me as I accidentally implement eye contact while mouthing the salacious line "Ooh, baby. Do you wanna get Frosty with me?" I could see how you, baby, might answer otherwise.
The Real World: Cancun debuts at the end of this month, with drinking, crying, screaming, and tepid bisexuality. Sure, you can see that at, oh, any bar on a Saturday night, but you can also see it on MTV. But I guess I'm not the only one who's getting too old for tired of these party-only seasons, because up next, MTV will be taking its eight strangers to Washington, D.C. Jeeze louise, even reality television has Obama fever.
Yes, the 23rd* season of the show will be filmed in our nation's capital, and MTV is claiming it will depict a "different lifestyle." Hmm. I say "hmm" to you, MTV, because despite all that tepid bisexuality I've witnessed on your network, I'm really not sure you can have it both ways. Can you go from a season whose entire function is as a spring break product placement (check out the Cancun teaser below) to one even vaguely about politics? I'm getting youth culture whiplash here, MTV.
I know even the most shallow and predictable Real World cast members contain multitudes, and boozing and voting are hardly mutually exclusive (surely I'm not the only person to participate in a debate-geared drinking game). But can The Real World change its stripes...again? It already transitioned from its 1990s crunchiness into its current, less earnest format. Do viewers even want it to go back?
What do you think, PopWatchers? Will The Real World: Washington, DC look like all the other recent seasons, or might there be actual politics in play?
[Neal E. Boyd, winner of season 3 of America's Got Talent, has released his first single, a cover of Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA." My PopWatch partner in crime Mandi Bierly and I gave it a listen, then discussed it via IM.]
Mandi: I did, Slezak, because I've loved that Lee Greenwood song since I participated in a scholarship program in high school and had to do a production number waving a tiny American flag to it. What did you think?
Slezak: Well, I can't comment on your group performance, though I'm sure it was legendary, but as for Mr. Boyd, um, let's just say I think the guy has essentially taken a giant cheese plate of a song and slathered it with an additional heaping portion of melted gouda. I mean, what's with the "Lite FM chorus" in the background and the total lack of driving percussion? (Actually, I'm not really being fair to the Lite FM format. It's come a long way, yo!)
Mandi: Initial reaction: Anyone who WANTS to listen "God Bless the USA" is not lactose intolerant, so pile it on... Also, the opening drums make me feel as patriotic as Paul Wylie's figure skating routine to the JFK soundtrack -- which is to say very. But you are right: The drums fade and it loses all momentum. He shouldn't have "made the song his own" by employing a symphony that doesn't know when to crash a cymbal! That is the best part of this song, and it's gone!
Slezak: Oh, sorry. I was listening to the song again and I started dozing off. Also, I think I just heard a harp.
Mandi: Key change at the 2:48 marker!
And at 3:04, NO CYMBAL!
Slezak: In all seriousness, though, and setting aside the fact that dude has selected one of the most brutally hammy compositions in the American songbook as his first single, I don't hear anything distinctive or interesting in the vocals or the arrangement. It's a totally "seventh inning stretch at the Triple-A baseball field" performance.
(Triple-A, that's a kind of baseball league, right?)
Mandi: Um, yeah. I think you might be a bit harsh on the vocals. Would I prefer to be
listening to Josh Groban right now? Yes. (Oh s---, that's in print.)
But this isn't the worst vocal I've ever heard.
Slezak: No, it's not a terrible vocal, but it's dull as dry toast. And how come he always chooses a booming note over a quiet one? The only way this cover can be redeemed is if Mr. Boyd makes a video in which tiny children are shown raising flags to the sky at video's end.
Mandi: That would be a beautiful sight. From your mouth to CMT's rotation.
[Note from Mandi: In a phone chat that occurred a good 15 minutes after this IM conversation, Slezak spontaneously burst into the chorus of "God Bless the USA." Also, both of us admitted to swaying in time to the music while listening to Boyd's rendition. Could it be that the America's Got Talent champ achieved exactly what he wanted with this cover?]
Another day, another advice book adaptation. Plans to turn 4th grader Alex Greven's relationship guide, How to Talk to Girls, into a feature film keep trucking along, with two scribes (Ben Karlin and Stu Zicherman) officially signing on to write the flick. I know I'm supposed to look at such a film and think, Aww, shucks, ain't it a cute that a book schooling jaded adults in the ways of the world will hit the big screen? But nope. I can't. Maybe it's because I can't believe that any nine year old could actually spout out good dating advice, since most male youngsters roped me into conversation in elementary school by punching me in the shoulder and calling me "Kate Wart." Or maybe it's the fact that last night's I'm a Celebrity... has made me lose all faith in humanity in general. But, more likely, it's probably because this genre hasn't been executed too well as of late, what with He's Just Not That Into You and Fireproof bombing with critics.
But that's not to say that How to Talk to Girls can't be successful. Just look at some of the more winning advice-book adaptations: Mean Girls and Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask). Of course, we're not going to see a nine year old's piece of work adapted into a racy, eccentric, Woody Allen masterpiece. But with Night at the Museum director Shawn Levy at the helm, we could see a fun family movie that I can only hope comes complete with pocket-sized versions of Owen Wilson. (I'm joking, of course. Maybe.) And there's another reason to be hopeful: Screenwriter Karlin is a writer and executive producer of The Daily Show. That, thankfully, makes me believe that Girls won't take itself too seriously and turn into some form of precocious schlock starring Abigail Breslin and Patrick Dempsey.
Thoughts, PopWatchers? Are you excited for Girls? Do you, like me, think Hollywood should get into the habit of turning advice books into movies as rarely as possible?
Pretty much the only thing I ever disliked about Late Night With Conan O'Brien was the Magic Eye-esque backdrop for the Ginger Wonder's monologues. You remember it. Jazzy, blue, very NYC. I guess. If NYC = royal blue geometry headscratcher. I couldn't handle it! Maybe I was just angry because I could never "do Magic Eye." BUT NOW! Conan's new blue background is totally mellow and California-ed out, man. Check out the wave patterns! Are we floating in the sky or in an aquarium on a Tuesday afternoon? Pass the hummus and raw veggies, yo. (What am I talking about?)
I just finished watching Conan's Tonight Show debut (read Ken Tucker's 'Watching TV' post for more, i.e. actual analysis) and happen to think L.A. really agrees with the guy. He took quite the plunge right away -- we got a Universal Studios tour involving an enormous tram, a road trip to a 99-cent store, and the dramatic wheeling out of the Hollywood sign's 'D' within a half hour. Yet another road trip segment (set to "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car," a fitting theme song for Conan's migration) featured such treasured L.A. stereotypes as women lowering their sunglasses from the next car over and hosing themselves down in the front yard due to the way Conan and the earth bring the heat, bouncing cars, Fabio (With Brown Hair), and -- cringe -- the sprouting of an over-the-top BABY BUMP. Alert the media! Conan's done it again! The most dramatic departure from NYC, though: Conan's hair actually moved as he performed his little jig in front of the tram crowd in the hot sun. I'd even call it "floppy." I'm hoping another (but not strike-induced) hot beard is not too far off.
As long as Conan doesn't make use of guest Will Ferrell's airport shortcut or haute cuisine burger recommendation, he'll be just fine. (The Choco Taco was a good call, though.) In conclusion, and apropos of nothing...check out the CAR PHONE in Conan's 1997 Taurus. What the hell? I love it.
What did you think of Conan's Tonight Show? Does His Pastiness fit in on the West Coast yet?
The Axis of Evil announced a Girls Just Want to Have Fun remake this morning. Excuse me?!?! No. This remake can go to hell. And I wouldn't watch it there, either. So wrong. So awful. Miley Cyrus will probably be in this. Oh god. I can't handle it. I'm freaking out. What if we don't make it to the DTV auditions?! I didn't bring a gym bag!!! But seriously. There are SO MANY essential 1985-y elements of this movie that can and should never translate to present day. A sampling....
'GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN' DETAILS OF WHICH EVEN THE SLIGHTEST ALTERATION WOULD BE SACRILEGE --"Dancing in Heaven (Orbital Be-Bop)" presented as the hippest jam in all the land (press play below)
--Helen Hunt's grasshopper hat...and her bouffant 'do as she's wheeled out on a horse-drawn carriage as Our New Miss Dance TV --Sarah Jessica Parker's collection of ridiculously high-cut long-sleeved leotards --Natalie Sands' perm --Natalie Sands in general --Convenient availability of incredibly beefy gym-rat *FEMALE
BODYBUILDERS* with tons of free time to lift automobiles with one arm
in an effort to help spread the word about the plan to "Wake Up The Neighborhood" at
Natalie Sands' coming-out party. (And everyone else in the invitations scene.) --Male lead who looks so much like Blossom-era Joey Lawrence that when you watched the film during the early '90s, you honestly just assumed it was him. (It was Lee Montgomery.) --The ridiculous notion that a TV show of just the same couples dancing over and over would actually work. As. If. --"Velcro. Next to the Walkman and Tab, it's the coolest invention of the 20th Century." (Thanks Robyn!)
What an incomplete list! But I guess I'm finished. At least now I know which DVD I'll be watching next time I'm not sober. And now I know how the normals feel whenever their beloved classic '80s movies start getting the remake rumors -- pretty much once a day at this point. I don't know, dawg. For me for you...this one has finally crossed the line.
Buried amidst today's ample crop of fresh DVD releases is a title worthy of closer inspection: 2009's Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. You may be wondering why this direct-to-video opus is any more noteworthy than other cheapie monster faceoffs like, say, 2005's Komodo vs. Cobra? Fair question. And here's the answer: It stars Deborah Gibson as a marine biologist. Ms. Gibson is, of course, none other than the grown-up '80s bubblegum pop princess "Debbie" Gibson, peddler of the infectiously timeless "Foolish Beat." Well, it turns out, now she's acting opposite mega sharks and giant octopi. And why not? Good for her. It probably beats what Tiffany's up to. Then again, maybe not. Take a look at the clip....
Okay, now pick your jaw up off your desk. It was kind of like a hallucination, right? A very, very low-budget hallucination. Did you notice anything else that was eerily familiar in that craptastic clip? I mean, other than the fact that it looked like something dreamed up by the collective minds of Jules Verne and Verne Troyer? That's right, Gibson's costar: Lorenzo Lamas. Is there any question that this celluloid gem is bound for critics' 10 Best Lists come December? I'm not sure what Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus says or doesn't say about Ms. Gibson's career or about our culture as a whole. But I do know this: As soon as I get out of work tonight, I'm picking up a copy of this thing. Who's with me?
