Michael Bay is bad for you, says science

Michael-Bay.jpg

Image Credit: Andrew Cooper

Proving once and for all that listening to movie critics is good for your health, a scientific study conducted by reputed scientists and reputable science-place Cornell University has concluded that watching a Michael Bay movie inspires bad eating habits.

According to the Los Angeles Times, the Cornell University Food and Brand Lab conducted an experiment with 94 college students. A third of the group had to watch 20 minutes of The Island, a 2005 Puma infomercial directed by “Got Milk” auteur Michael Bay. Another third of the group watched the same 20 minutes, but without the sound on. The third and luckiest group watched 20 minutes of Charlie Rose, PBS’s beloved paragon of nigh-entropic boredom.

Each group of students was given access to snacks, including M&Ms, cookies, grapes, and carrots. The students who watched The Island with the sound on ate a whopping 98 percent more food and 65 percent more calories than the students who watched Charlie Rose—not to mention the fact that the students who watched The Island presumably spent the rest of the day asking questions like “Why would Michael Bay spend half an hour establishing an atmosphere of paranoid tension before devolving into a parade of poorly choreographed action scenes?” and “Lincoln Six-Echo is definitely the dumbest name for a movie character ever, right?”

Intriguingly, students who watched The Island with the sound turned off only ate 36 percent more food than those who watched Charlie Rose, which could prove that Charlie Rose’s voice is actually the equivalent of negative audio energy. Lead researcher Aner Tal tells the LAT that the team is doing follow-up work in an attempt to nail down precisely what causes the snacking, and presumably to double-check that all of the undergraduates have consumed the same amount of cannabis before participating in the study. He mentions the rapidfire editing of Michael Bay’s movie as a possible factor, which strongly implies that Cornell scientists are a bunch of Bordwellian film snobs.

Technically, the study doesn’t specifically state that watching a Michael Bay movie is the equivalent of stuffing your mouth with M&Ms™ and then filling your overstuffed mouth with Coca-Cola™ while driving a 2013 Chevrolet™ Venture™ with Mark Wahlberg in the backseat screaming “I’M AN INVENTOR!!!” while he shotguns a Bud Light™ and plays Xbox™. But the study also doesn’t not say that. Anyhow, now we can state with some scientific basis that watching all three hours of Trans4mers is the caloric equivalent of, like, 15 Boyhoods. So if you don’t feel like working out, just watch an independent movie.

Or never watch The Island.


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