150 random celebrities, painstakingly sorted into Hogwarts houses

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Image Credit: Jonathan Leibson/WireImage; Araya Diaz/Getty Image

On July 8, J.K. Rowling released a short, short story about grown-up Harry Potter and the Sequel She Swore She’d Never Write, and over in the magical land of central Florida, the Harry Potter theme park’s Diagon Alley expansion is entertaining six-hour lines on opening day. So apparently, it’s Harry Potter day, and to celebrate this completely random occasion, I’ve decided to do something equally arbitrary and sort a bunch of celebrities into the four houses of Hogwarts. Why? Art needs no reason.

First, the criteria. The Hogwarts houses are divided based on traits: Slytherins are cunning, ambitious, and resourceful. They are not evil, just misunderstood—they are perhaps just as likely to be watching Real Housewives as they are flocking to a Dark Mark. Hufflepuffs are hard-working, patient, loyal, and seem generally pleasant to be around; they are the kind of people you would invite to a barbecue and not have to worry about entertaining. Ravenclaws are intelligent, witty, and just overall smarter than you—and they will likely make sure you are aware of that. And Gryffindors are Gryffindors. There’s an unplaceable mystique with these paragons of society. Everyone wants to be a Gryffindor. Typically, if someone says, “I’m such a Gryffindor,” they’re really a Hufflepuff.

Also, it’s worth mentioning that only a small portion of the stars on this list would ever reach superstardom in the world of Harry Potter. Wizards are really into things like musicians and athletes and, weirdly enough, historians. Actors aren’t really a thing. Eschewing a Walk of Fame, wizard A-listers know they’ve made it when they’re featured on the back of a Chocolate Frog Card, likely because they either invented or killed something. And so, fame would elude most of this list, unless Meryl Streep has a secret background in slaying feral Hippogriffs (which is likely).

Using the power of imagination and a deep well of fully formed opinions about celebrities I’ve never met, I have chosen to act on my prejudices and make the painful decisions you didn’t know you needed made for you. Thus, here is a list of 150 celebrities and their unequivocal, indisputable placement in Hogwarts houses.

SLYTHERIN
Kris Jenner
Michael Cera
Pitbull
Rachael Ray
Bert from Sesame Street
Jeremy Renner
Macklemore
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Dave Franco
Jaden Smith
Charlie Sheen
Kristen Stewart
Vin Diesel
Kate Mara
Shailene Woodley
Alec Baldwin
David Schwimmer
Gaston from Beauty and the Beast
Jennifer Garner
Jason Biggs
Orlando Bloom
Robin Thicke
Matt Lauer
Anne Hathaway
Adam Sandler
Victoria Beckham
Willem Dafoe
Lea Michele
Idina Menzel
Hulk Hogan
Phil McGraw
Mario Lopez
Ethan Hawke
Betty White
Seth MacFarlane
Solange Knowles
Joe Jonas

HUFFLEPUFF
Josh Hutcherson
Tom Hanks
Jimmy Fallon
Helen Mirren
Ernie from Sesame Street
Kristin Chenoweth
Emma Thompson
Jason Bateman
Katy Perry
Mindy Kaling
Sarah Jessica Parker
Sigourney Weaver
Ansel Elgort
Jack Black
Zach Galifianakis
Octavia Spencer
Alicia Silverstone
Zooey Deschanel
Leonardo DiCaprio
Ty Burrell
Carson Daly
Ron Howard
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Pocahontas (original)
Pocahontas (Disney)
Ben Affleck
Halle Berry
Ariana Grande
Queen Latifah
Paul Rudd
Jimmy Kimmel
Melissa McCarthy
Tyra Banks in Life Size
Bob Marley
Drew Barrymore
Katie Holmes
Judy Greer
Carrie Underwood
Kevin Jonas

RAVENCLAW
Barbra Streisand
Vince Vaughn
Lorde
Niall Horan
Scarlett Johansson
Al Pacino
Robert Downey Jr.
Harriet the Spy
Sandra Bullock
Natasha Lyonne
Oprah Winfrey
Patton Oswalt
Jude Law
Ryan Seacrest
Taylor Swift
B.J. Novak
Ashton Kutcher
Jim Parsons
Channing Tatum
Diane Keaton
John Legend
Tina Fey
Adam Brody
Natalie Portman
Andy Serkis
Anna Kendrick
Christoph Waltz
Ben Stiller
Leah Remini
Zach Braff
Bryan Cranston
Lisa Kudrow
Stephen Colbert
Stefani Germanotta
George Clooney
Angelina Jolie
Morgan Freeman
Peter Dinklage

GRYFFINDOR
Jane Fonda
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Rachel Bilson
Matt Damon
Pink
Jay Z
Wes Anderson
Julia Roberts
Tim Curry
Bruce Springsteen
Jessica Chastain
Elton John
Judd Apatow
Serena Williams
Simon Cowell
Meryl Streep
Samuel L. Jackson
Emma Stone
Tom Hiddleston
Aaron Paul
Kate Winslet
Tommy Lee Jones
Sting
Keira Knightley
Viola Davis
Celine Dion
Ian McKellen
Sean Combs
Jennifer Lawrence
Jon Stewart
Sara Bareilles
Adele
Wolfgang Puck
Sally Field
Andrew Garfield
Nick Jonas

HEADMISTRESS
Tilda Swinton

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