'True Blood' newbie? We've got your vampire explainer here

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Image Credit: John P. Johnson/ HBO

Are you planning on being True to the End tonight when the seventh and final season of True Blood premieres?

Many EW staffers eagerly have their DVRs set to check out the latest happenings in Bon Temps, but there’s a few who remain (blissfully?) ignorant of all the political intrigue and naked bodies that populate HBO’s drama. For the faithful: EW has plenty of news for you to consume. Are you a little clueless? We’re here to help.

In the Explainer below, we take a newbie and break down the crazy plot twists going on over six seasons–along with some of the most common terminology. “Fangbanger” may be obvious, but some of the others, not so much. Check it out below.

Erin Strecker: Okay. We just shot the above video, so I know you now have the most basic of knowledge. Any more clarity on what The Authority is?

Hillary Busis: Okay. Because The Authority is called The Authority (and because A starts with a capital A), I’m going to guess that it’s… a group. That’s authoritative.

You want more? All right: This is a show about vampires, correct? So I’m gonna guess that The Authority is some kind of vampire governing body, like the one that Michael Sheen’s in charge of in the Twilight movies, except on True Blood I’ll guess they all have goofy Southern accents instead of goofy whatever-Michael-Sheen-was-going-for accents. But they probably wear silly robes and are very imposing, and have a bunch of rules that the folks on True Blood are breaking, so the Authority’s mad at them and maybe that’s what’s going on this season.

Erin: It’s the Ministry of Magic: Vampire edition! You’re basically right; it’s this semi-religious council of the vampires — but separate from the area sheriffs as well as vampire queens! It’s made up of the eight most powerful vamps in the land and is cloaked in mystery. It’s basically non-existent right now, because the past couple of season have been pretty bloody and Russell Edgington (the best Bad Guy True Blood has ever seen) killed Detective Stabler Roman, the previous head of the group. New term: What’s a progeny–in the context of True Blood.

Hillary: Are those sexy vampire babies? Can vampires have babies? (Judging by Buffy and Twilight again, I guess the answer is yes?)

Erin: We don’t have any vampire babies on the show, but we do have fast-growing, half-fairy kiddos! So if a human is turned into a vampire, that vampire is her Maker and they are that vamp’s Progeny. The connection between the two is very strong — they can always sense when the other one is in danger.

Hillary: Say I want to watch the premiere Sunday. What’s the last things that happened?

Erin: So after Eric begins to burn (but not die! Never die!) because Warlow is dead and therefore his magical blood is no longer allowing vampires to be out in the sun, and Sookie is saved from an arranged marriage/bad situation with Warlow courtesy of Bill, Jason, and others, we fast-forward a few months and everything has changed. Sookie is with Alcide, Sam is the mayor, and Bill is a published author. But the whole gang has to be on-guard because of the aforementioned Hep-V outbreak among other vampires.

As showrunner Brian Buckner told EW “Heads are gonna roll.” Let’s just hope they all get at least one hookup/bloodbath/quote-worthy phrase in there first.

Join us at 9 p.m. ET tonight for a Twitter Q&A with Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer.

in_this_issueFor more on True Blood‘s last drops, including our cover Q&A with Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer plus a look back with creator Alan Ball’s, pick up the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, on stands now.

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