If you haven’t seen New Girl‘s season 3 finale yet, SPOILER ALERT! Stop reading now. If you have, click through for the full recap, and don’t forget to check out what Zooey Deschanel, Lamorne Morris, and EP Dave Finkel had to say about “Cruise.”
The set-up: Like so many rosé-fueled nights, Jess and Nick’s rash decision to book non-refundable passage on a couples cruise proved foolish in the aftermath of their break-up. So what did they do? They downgraded their tickets for the Lovers’ Suite so everybody could come along. Naturally, the gang had qualms about boarding this “floating, all-you-can-eat prison” with two exes — especially Coach, who was secretly terrified of boats — but they were all eventually convinced or goaded into going (all Schmidt needed was Cece’s mention of her new bikini). There was only one rule: No nautical puns, a.k.a. “the lowest form of humor.” Spoiler! This rule was broken immediately.
Speaking of Schmidt, he’d commissioned a class ring to congratulate Cece for passing her GED and assumed the crashing tides, a little jewelry, and a declaration of continued love would entice her into a high-seas sex-fest “to the bottom of the ocean — the sand, the mackerel, and the chum…” (to this list, Winston unfortunately added, “The crabs!”). Schmidt’s mission got off to a less-than-promising start, however, when the group discovered their “suite” was no more than a tiny room with six beds crammed together in a health commissioner’s nightmare. What’s more, the ship’s overzealous safety demonstrator (Oscar Nuñez) urged everyone to get Schmidt out of his “Grumpy Gus” state by tickling him willy-nilly. Not long after, Winston’s surprise tickle attack caused Schmidt to drop Cece’s ring into the ocean. Yep, this sucker was going down like the Titanic in every sense. (Hilariously, Schmidt lied that he was screaming by lying to Cece that he’d “just witnessed a dolphin being cut straight in half by our keel. It was a ghastly sight.” Yeah, those are not the kind of words that gets a girl all gooey inside.) Schmidt-mance Fail No.1.
Meanwhile, Jess almost immediately got jealous, insisting that the Wave Dancer‘s lady Captain Jan Nortis (Kerri Kenney-Silver) had flirted with Nick. Still, she and Nick tried to mitigate the weirdness by committing to doing as many activities as possible. Lacking the kind of docket that would suit “two brothers lookin’ for trouble,” the cruise’s “Grand Romance” package offered $600 of lovey-dovey schmaltz seemingly designed to remind “the best ex-couple in the whole word” of their failures. Cue the wacky montage set to Mungo Jerry’s “In the Summertime,” including yoga where they were instructed to breathe “through [their] genitals,” a sexy photo shoot (even the photographer acknowledged they were “really bumming [him] out”), couples massage, and towel sculpting.
NEXT: Nick makes his move…