'Reign' recap: Brrr, it's cold in here

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Image Credit: Sven Frenzel/The CW

Another week of Reign, another week that I’m incredibly grateful that I’m a twenty-something who lives in 2014 and doesn’t have to worry about an entire country when picking out a male suitor. And notice I said “suitor” and not “husband,” because like I said, it’s 2014 people, and I love it! You know what else I love? Watching a television show about 15 year olds who have to marry each other and balance falling in love with having children, civic duty, protecting a nation and so much more. So before I go on another rant of sorts, let’s talk about what just happened!

Picking up approximately a month after Francis locked Mary in the tower, the two were finally able to talk to each other without screaming. But upon finding out that protestants were demanding her mother’s surrender, Mary invited her uncle, the Duke of Guise, to pay her a visit. He had an army, and Mary needed an army for her mother, so inviting him wasn’t much of a choice. However, maybe it should’ve been more of a choice, because Mary’s uncle turned out to be a total dick. We learned that, back in the day, he had been dismissed from Mary’s father’s power because he was, well, vicious and self-serving. As a “threat to any throne,” it definitely wasn’t great that Mary had brought him to France. Then again, the devil you know, right?

When the Duke of Guise arrived, he had caught wind of Henry’s condition. As he put it, “The king is no longer in the castle,” which is now officially my favorite way of saying “bats— crazy” ever. And did the duke mention that he wants to be the magistrate of France? Because he does. More specifically, he wanted Francis’ word that he could be his magistrate when he became king. Francis agreed, but only on the condition that the duke’s men would report directly to him. Also, Francis wanted to go to Scotland with them. More on that in a moment.

Elsewhere in the castle, Penelope was running around claiming that she was pregnant with Henry’s baby. But let’s just say that Catherine wasn’t new to that game. She quickly called Penelope on her bluff, and in what might be my favorite story development of the hour, Catherine offered Penelope a new role as one of her “women.” You know, her women who go around and sleep with men in order to find out crucial information that could benefit Catherine. Quite frankly, I couldn’t think of anyone better suited to that role than Penelope. I hope those men like to be tied up!

And speaking of being tied up — but not really — Kenna and Bash finally had sex this week! However, I have a lot of feelings about what was arguably the longest, most drawn-out sex scene ever. In the beginning, when Bash was all “I want you to forget everyone that’s come before this” and “Tell me what you want,” I was into it. To be honest, Bash’s first sex scene was turning out to be a lot hotter than I originally expected. But then, when we went back to them making out in bed later on and Kenna still had her skirt on, I kind of felt like the parent at the dance who needed to shove their child onto the dance floor. But even then, I held off. But guys, the next time we saw Bash, he still hadn’t sealed the deal! And this is when it was ruined for me — Bash needed to see Mary and Francis making out in order for him to want to sleep with Kenna as some weird act of revenge/escape or whatever. I really liked Bash and Kenna’s moment, and to taint it with Mary? I wasn’t totally on board.

However, I am kind of starting to get on board with Lord Castleroy. When Greer’s father and sisters showed up to the castle, we met our second new jerk of the episode. Greer’s father spent more time insulting his daughter than doing pretty much anything else. Good thing precious Lord Castleroy was there to shut him up. Apparently, Castleroy had done his homework and knew Greer’s family didn’t have money. So as a result of their marriage, Castleroy offered to give each of Greer’s sisters enough money to have a respectful dowry. His only condition was that Greer have final approval on her sisters’ marriages, so that she could be sure they were marrying for love. Guys, this man is a real sweetheart, right? Is there any way for me to hate him?

By episode’s end, the two of them had shared their first kiss, which¬†actually ended up being a lot better than Greer had expected. As she put it, it felt “surprisingly right.” That comment both made me smile and then tear up for poor Leith who was out at war yearning for his true love. Somebody tell me how I’m supposed to feel about these two, because I’m conflicted.

And now, let’s get to the castle politics of the episode. Crazy Henry had once again lost his pants — but not in a sexy way — and he was convinced that France needed to take Calais in order to eventually get England. Catherine started the episode thinking that she had him under control, but she eventually learned that Henry’s insanity knew no bounds. Not only was he willing to fire a general for not naming his army God’s Ghouls — it happened! — but he also managed to send forces into Calais without anyone knowing. Luckily, Francis had an idea. If Francis used the Duke of Guise’s army to help take Calais, then they could actually win. Of course, he’d have to put that whole “helping Mary’s mother” business not the back burner, but he’d get to it eventually.

Obviously, Mary didn’t see it that way. Once again, the two were clashing about their duty to their countries. Mary saw it as Francis taking her mother’s last hope and leaving her to the mercy of thousands of protestant rebels, but she didn’t blame him for putting France first. Then, she made a heartbreaking comment about their marriage being a mistake before she requested two things from him: To stop making promises he knows he can’t keep, and to live through this battle and come back to her. Ugh, just when I thought these two were done being so cute.

As Francis rode away into the snowy landscape, Mary told her ladies that she wouldn’t let Francis put her country at risk again, which made me feel nothing good whatsoever.

What did you all think of the episode? Are you loving Kenna and Bash? Are you worried about skinny little Francis on the battlefield? And what’s next for crazy Henry? Sound off in the comments below!

QUOTABLES:

Francis: It’s father. He’s gone utterly mad.
Catherine: Define utterly, because this is a man who’s ridden a pig through the throne room in nothing but his under things.

Penelope: There was never a baby.
Catherine: That took less time than I thought.

“Oh dear. No trousers. This keeps happening.” -Henry when he realized he’d forgotten a very important item of clothing


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