'Reign' recap: For king or country

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Image Credit: Ben Mark Holzberg/The CW

All I can say is that I’m very happy that I live in the 21st Century, and that my future husband will likely not own a castle with some sort of lock tower. And let’s be honest: Even if he did, he’d never have the power to lock me away in it (because, you know, equality and stuff).

That being said, I’m not totally mad at Francis right now. Is he looking out for France? Of course. Is he looking out for Mary? Yes. Is he still a teenager with a ridiculous amount of responsibility? Always. Let’s dig in!

This week picked up with a sweet moment between Bash and Kenna, who I am thoroughly enjoying. He gave her a very small but very sweet wedding ring. It had been his grandmother’s, and now it belonged to his wife. He figured that they might as well give this whole marriage thing a try, which makes sense considering that they’re already married and always will be. It was my third favorite Bash-Kenna moment of the episode, but we’ll get to the other two in a bit.

The castle event of the week was Lola and Julien’s wedding. Yay! I was a little bummed I didn’t get to see him standing at the end of the aisle (so that I could imagine what our wedding would be like), but it was romantic nonetheless. If only King Henry weren’t running around the castle kissing Kenna against her will, this would’ve been a very pleasant castle visit for us. Then again, I love crazy Henry, so what am I saying? Also, let me give a shout-out to the orchestra playing Lorde’s “Royals.” Well played, Reign. Well played indeed.

And speaking of Henry, Catherine was keeping him hidden from the Pope’s Cardinal, who had come to court to discuss rents and tendencies in France. Luckily, Mary and Francis stepped up to deal with the Cardinal, which was good considering that Henry was — in my favorite visual of the episode — quite literally tied up on all fours in his bedroom. Penelope had left him like that to go get supplies. As he put it, “The waiting is horrible. I love it.” And we love you, Henry, especially when you yell about not being demeaned by a woman when you have a belt around your neck.

Sound the royal horns! But really don’t, because I’m confused about everyone’s royal status. What I’m trying to say is that Mary’s half-brother James has arrived. I’m loving how all the people who are showing up now finally have those Scottish accents I’ve been waiting for. (But no one is French, guys.) This world is simply my favorite. Long story short, James came to retrieve Mary. He claimed that Scotland was rising against her French mother. They needed to see more Scots in government, and he felt that seeing Mary would solve everything. Scotland needed its queen to strengthen Marie de Guise’s rule.

And so began the battle of the teens/countries. Francis begged Mary to wait until the deal with the Cardinal was done, therefore ensuring France’s stability. Only then could he travel with her and keep her safe. But putting France first pissed Mary off. She reminded Francis that she and Scotland were one. After that, Francis took his worries to his big brother, where Francis finally realized why Mary had wanted to be with Bash: Because he could do the thing Francis couldn’t — be a bad king if it meant being a good husband. With that in mind, Francis decided to put his wife first. They would leave for Scotland as soon as possible. P.S. Bash and Francis being friendly is kind of the greatest.

Elsewhere, sex was happening, but surprisingly not with Henry. Well, I’m sure it was; we just didn’t see it. Lola and Julien sealed the deal on their wedding night, only to wake up with a lot of questions. Why was Julien so pushy about Lola’s dowry? Had pretty boy gambled all his money away? Honestly: probably. But he knew how to talk his way out of it. Also, “wedding tour” sounds so much cooler than “honeymoon.”

The other couple enjoying some naked alone time was Nostradamus and Olivia, who planned to run away together to Trinidad. Nostradamus had a vision of Olivia dying — he must have the weirdest morning-afters ever — and he wanted to get her out of there. Too bad Catherine didn’t want him to leave. The queen put a viper in Olivia’s luggage to prove her threats. As a result, Nostradamus said goodbye to Olivia and returned to the castle.

Back at the castle, the power had gone to Penelope’s head, and Catherine and Kenna teamed up to stop her. How do you bring down a queen? Using sex, of course. Kenna gave Penelope a tip about keeping Henry interested, and it involved the words “standing cross.” Let’s just say that a bishop walked in during said adventure, which he called blasphemy, and Henry got rid of Penelope for fear that God would turn on him. And as a result of this entire interaction, we got my two favorite Bash-Kenna moments. First up: Him defending her when Penelope took her wedding ring. And, at the top of the list: Their first real kiss.

But let’s not forget about the Scots! Francis found one of James’ footmen carrying English gold, and had him tortured. (I love that someone’s title is literally “the torturer.”) With Mary still hoping to leave, Francis explained that a lot of Englishmen want her dead, because they want James on the throne. It was an idea she scoffed at…until the footman revealed that he had been paid by Englishmen to kill Mary on her voyage back to Scotland. Even knowing that, she still wanted to go, which left Francis no choice. If she wouldn’t wait until it was safe, he’d have to lock her up in the tower (a.k.a. the doghouse of the royals). She would be released as soon as Julien casts off. But if Scotland falls, she’ll never forgive Francis.

So what did you all think of the episode? Did Francis do the right thing? How are you feeling about Bash and Kenna, and more importantly, Julien? Finally, who is that boy that Henry keeps seeing and what does it all mean?! Sound off in the comments!

QUOTABLES:

“We’re married. We can’t be unmarried.” -Bash to Kenna

“This itches.” -King Henry taking off his crown

“He even has France in his name.” -James on not trusting Francis to come to Scotland

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