Winston: Yo, my uncle was on Cops a bunch of times. He got no residuals, though; he’s poor.
Nick: Thanks, Tran. If I’d met you in your prime during the war, that would have been glorious! But then we would have been enemies and tried to murder one another… unless we formed an alliance. You and me forming an alliance in an old-school war? That’s a fantasy… or a novel.
Schmidt: Well this just in — the dress code for Winston’s banquet is… “Optional”? It’s optional? Why would he write that. It’s gotta be a mistake, right?
Cece: And they’re going to give him a gun?
Schmidt’s through-the-door ramble…
“Jess, are you pregnant? [pause] I feel like I made it weird with the pregnancy thing, guys. Did I make it weird with the pregnancy thing? Because I really feel like in my heart that that was the wrong thing to say, especially to two women who are sitting alone in a room together. You know, I don’t know where you guys are at with your lives, but you’re certainly getting up to an age where babies are on your mind, and I didn’t want to throw that into the mix. I could see that you were emotional, Jess, when you left, and I don’t want to make you more emotional by bringing up pregnancy. And, Cece, you can probably barely spell pregnancy, and I feel terrible. [Waits a few seconds, starts to get angry] Are you frickin’ razzin’ me in there? Did I just hear a razz?! [A few minutes later...] Are you guys Frenching? Okay, say you’re Frenching, and I’ll stop knocking.”
Nick: Winston is so cute…
Everybody: How cute is he?
Nick: Teddy bears buy Winston for their kids.
Schmidt: Horrible visual!
Nick: Winston is so cute, he once met a Japanese girl named Mariko, and she started wearing him as a backpack.
Lowlights from Jess’s roast:
“What’s up, Coach. You have so many pairs of sweatpants that you… need to buy normal pants.”
“Cece, your hair is so long.” (Medically Chillaxed Nick: “You’re basically busted!”)
“Schmidt [starts drunk-giggling] your head’s so big.” (MCN: “You got a big-ass head, dude!”)