And so Nick — surrounded by balloons, standing at a makeshift podium, and having assembled a “prominent chair” made of a crutch, a baseball bat, and a rake, among other things — got the Honey Roast underway. By his side? A rosé-chugging Jess dressed as Furguson. It was Winston’s dream come true — and Coach’s nightmare (he asked, “Who has a cat costume just lying around?” Cece: “She has four of them”). And boy was Jess committed to the bit, slurring that she was drinking a “cat-bernay, a pinot moo-arrr… meow-arrr. If I have any more of these, you’re going to have to point this little kitty in the direction of my litter box. Because I’m gonna need to find it. ‘Cause I’m gonna hafta pee.”
Everyone was playing along and howling at Nick’s corny jokes (Dotables) until
Drunk and Belligerent Furguson Jess decided to take over and turn the shindig into a real roast. She went around zinging everybody until she got to Nick: “Nick calls bird ‘wind mice.’ Nick says ‘Yahtzee!’ when he climaxes. He calls turtles ‘shell beavers.’ They’re green! Beavers are brown. But you know the worst, worst, worst thing about Nick? He’s okay. He’s okay. And I am not okay.”
Nick was finally forced to admit he’d been emotionally falling apart and self-medicating to overcome how terrible he was feeling. He laughed and she cried as they talked through the wreckage of the relationship they both once thought might be it. The cherry on top of this crap sundae, from Nick: “I also can’t stop smiling because of the drugs, so my face feels crazy. It feels like I had plastic surgery.” Because Winston was still totally clueless, Jess and Nick finally admitted out loud (and with gusto): “We broke up.” Cece and Coach issued majorly over-dramatic reactions to make it seem like they didn’t know, but Winston was less concerned about being the last one to know. He was mostly appreciative of the lengths to which they’d gone to avoid ruining his day. The loftmates joined hands in a super-weird circle of solidarity and all “Ommmmm”-ed. Just after Jess wondered aloud if they should all live in a peach, Winston announced he’d be postponing the Honey Roast until tomorrow night. The hands dropped as the others unanimously shut that idea down and disbanded.
Later that night, Jess was on the couch, buried in tissues, still drinking wine, and on her third viewing of Dirty Dancing. Nick called from her room to ask, “Who wins in a fight: Swayze from Dirty Dancing or Swayze from Road House?” Jess countered, “I think To Wong Foo Swayze would win.” As friends, they bonded over all the questions they didn’t know how to answer now that their relationship had changed. Jess sighed that she’d run out of tissues, and Nick tossed her a box before saying sweetly and with a hint of pill-induced lazy tongue, “G’night, honey.” And then they joined in a chorus of “Hungry Eyes.”
What did you think, folks? Tonight’s episode really felt like a return to form in a season that’s flailed a little. While I’m not necessarily happy about the break-up (even though your feelings generally seem to be mixed), it did provide a chance for everyone to shine individually that I thought was nice. Share your take in the comments…
NEXT: The Honey Roast turns bittersweet