In other news, Cece was studying for her GED exam. She’d already failed five practice tests and wasn’t even sure she was going to show up for the real thing. Schmidt held back his “legions” of snide comments — well, not all of them: “Of course you’re failing. You’re studying here in a rowdy tavern, Chumbawumba’s playing, and it’s not even “Tubthumping,” you’re writing with what appears to be a golf pencil, [and] where are your flashcards? Do you not even have one single flashcard? There’s maraschino goo everywhere. You don’t have a flashcard?” He decided to take over as her tutor, starting with geography in light of the revelation that Cece didn’t realize that Perth (where her new boyfriend Buster is from) is in Australia.
Jess couldn’t hold back the news any longer and ended up barging in on the exes studying at Cece’s apartment. They went into Cece’s bedroom and locked Schmidt out, which caused him to panic at being left out, bang on the door repeatedly, and unleash a torrent of hilarity (see Dotables).
Nick was also panicking because he’d blown three attempts to assemble Winston’s “prominent chair” to his own satisfaction. He was also coming up short on cute things to say about Winston beyond Winston’s adorable feet. Coach — who countered, “If anything’s cute about Winston, it’s his yawn” — noticed Nick’s stress and took on a tone of voice that forced Nick to confess he’d dumped Jess. After his own embarrassing experiences overemoting with his ex Malia, Coach advised Nick to hide his feelings “no matter what.” He also directed his pal to Schmidt’s anxiety pills.
Back at Cece’s place, Jess was forlorn that Nick seemed so calm about the break-up: “Like, he’s happier than me watching Coach watching Winston yawn.” Cece agreed to join Jess in going back to the loft to talk it over with Nick. She was greeted by Coach, who instinctively gave her a consoling hug, then had to cover it up with a kiss on the forehead and a namaste bow. He claimed this was his new greeting, and the whole situation was like a reverse Chandler goodbye from Friends. (Unsurprisingly, Schmidt was really into Coach’s new shtick: “Thanks, Coach, I needed that.”)
Jess and Nick stepped aside to talk. He had to put on sunglasses because his eye was twitching, a side effect of the meds. Another side effect? He was “light as air” and loopy as Toucan Sam. He told Jess he was focusing all his energies on Winston’s Honey Roast, and she was visibly miffed that Nick appeared to consider that to be “the most important thing that had happened today.”
Outside, Schmidt stormed in, also visibly miffed that Cece had left tutoring and was less concerned her future than he was. Cece broke and spilled the beans. Schmidt freaked out: “Who gives a rat’s ‘A’ [about your education now]? Jess and Nick break up, and you spring this on me like it’s the frickin’ weather report. I’m a child of divorce. I am delicate. You should have graduated the first time, you buffoon.” Ha!
Jess emerged, riled up and ready to drank because of Nick’s “fine”-ness: “Make it a big one,” she told Cece, “a holiday pour, because today’s all about Winston.” Cue The Bish in his finest white tux, cane and all — “Did somebody say Winston?”
NEXT: And now for the Honey Roast!