Elsewhere, the remaining loftmates were scamming on Michelle and Laurie, the new — and, I should mention, foxy — residents of Schmidt’s former loft (played by True Detective‘s Alexandra Daddario and Stevie Nelson). As those who have been truly hung-over will understand, the guys’ first impression was worse than awful and basically incoherent. (Not helping: Coach was wearing lady sunglasses that made him look “like Magic Johnson’s son EJ” — a reference I personally appreciated because I am one of about five people who watched #RichKids of Beverly Hills.)
To make up for this shortfall, two camps emerged: Winston wooed the ladies by offering to help them move in, despite his roommates’ dismissal that schlepping around furniture would make him seem like a doormat. Meanwhile, Schmidt and Coach peacocked around the building (choice line from Schmidt, who was “on a business call” during an “accidental” encounter at the elevators: “Yes, well, it’s my garden party, and Zachary Queen-toe is not on the list!”). Once Laurie, the roommate with a boyfriend, made it clear that Michelle was “not really the relationship type” and “just having fun right now,” the alpha males’ posturing led to in-fighting (Schmidt: “I will freak out so hard on you right now, you will not even know– on your face!”). In fits and starts of machismo, they ended up breaking two of Michelle’s most valuable possessions — “her study abroad mirror” and “her dream vase,” per Winston. When they tried to blame it on Winny the Bish, he became enraged:
Winston called out his roommates for “trying to sex Michelle every which way from Tuesday.” Had he stopped there, maybe things would have been fine, if a little uncomfortable. Instead, he talked about how much he wanted to “sex” Michelle, spoke at length about her “crazy witch eyes,” and then claimed he was a good guy (true — but poorly timed). His grand finale? Hoisting an armoire on his back and marching toward the burning building. Something tells me Michelle’s still on the market.
Elsewhere, a True American-wasted Cece had text-bombed her 20-year-old Aussie toy boy Buster (the delicious James Frecheville) with a deluge of drunken mini-missives (see Dotables). The next day, Schmidt advised playing off the gaffe by sending Buster a breezy emoticon or two. Winston helped her pick them out — bad call. Though we didn’t see the Cece’s digitally transmitted dis-ease, Schmidt and Coach’s comments while looking at the e-no-ji indicated they were “borderline pornographic” and maybe involved bestiality (“are those nursing cats… wait, those are not cats — that’s a human man!”). When Cece and Buster reconnected over the phone, she was sure the fling was over. Instead, he playfully admitted the flood of texts had weirded him out a little, but he still liked her enough to show up at the loft and meet her face-to-face. Now imagine all of that being said in an Australian accent and… swoon.
One last loose end: As followers of the show already realized, Schmidt was oblivious to Jess and Nick’s break-up and still living in Jess’s room — doing full downward dog in the nude, no less. So, for the moment, Jess is still sharing a bed with her ex-roomfriend. As such, what the next episode will bring (other than more naked yoga from Schmidt) is anyone’s guess.
Selected lines from this round of True American:
Nick: Grover Cleveland round — non-consecutive shots!
Nick: Welcome to Ellis Island, folks. [Hands out beer cans] You’re a Bill, you’re a George, you’re a Bill. [To Jess] You’re a Greek — get out! [Sees Winston coughing] He’s got the plague! Scatter!
Coach: Taft just sat on you!
Schmidt: My name is Eli Whitney, and I created the cotton gin! [Everyone else, while pouring gin down Schmidt's throat: "Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin!"]
Winston [to Nick, who's lapping cognac from his hand]: Drink it up, Checkers, forget what you saw.
Digs at Cece’s “child bride” Buster…
Winston: Is he smooth all over?
Coach: Does he take baths in the sink?
Schmidt [looking at Cece's texts to Buster]: Oh dear lord.
Cece: I know…
Schmidt: “I miss the way that your hands smell.” Did you write an entire Jewel song in here?
Coach [a little too enthusiastically]: Is it from Pieces of You?
Schmidt: You want to buy a rabbit with him? This isn’t a text message, it’s a frickin’ Russian novel!