We’re just a few weeks away from the season 4 debut of Game of Thrones, the popular HBO fantasy series/business manual. Which means that now is the perfect time to begin purchasing gifts for Thronesgiving, the new holiday I just invented which is already more of an actual thing than Arbor Day. On Thronesgiving, you exchange gifts with your friends, family, loved ones, and blood-oath enemies. HBO has a released a whole assortment of Thrones tie-in products to mark the gory sudser’s return. But what’s the appropriate gift for the appropriate Thrones obsessive? Forthwith, a round-up:
For the Couple with a Young Child:
It’s Sunday at 10 p.m. Mom and Dad have a long week ahead of them. For one beautiful hour, they can escape to Westeros. But alas! Their 1-year-old can’t sleep. What to do? Simple: Set the young child down in front of the Westeros 4D puzzle, a kamillion-piece jigsaw rendering of the continent with more kings than kingdoms. It’ll take the kid several years to finish the puzzle, at which point they’ll be old enough to read the books and wait patiently for the publication of The Winds of Winter.
For Your Cousin Who Just Started College:
HBO has partnered with Ommegang brewery to produce a “Fire and Blood” red ale, which unfortunately does not taste like the burnt blood of your enemies. Fortunately, every beer becomes a Thrones beer with the “Fire and Blood” glasses. Actually, I think if you poured water into those glasses, it would become beer.
For Your Cubicle Neighbor Who Would Like to Passive-Aggressively Express Their Distaste For Everyone In Your Office:
Funko has a whole series of miniature vinyl figures based on characters from the show. One of their newest creations is the White Walker Figurine, based on the doom-bringing caveman death zombies currently moving southwards like an apocalypse storm. If your cubicle neighbor poses that thing on the edge of his desk, fear and awe will spread throughout the office. They will either be promoted to Executive Vice President or declared a deity. Either way, they’ll stop complaining about office memos, allowing you more time to update your Game of Thrones Tumblr.
For The Design Fetishist Who Has a Copy of the Westeros Map on His Wall:
There is something called Game of Thrones: A Pop-Up Guide to Westeros. Actually, pretty much all these gifts could be given to your married friends’ 1-year-old, assuming you don’t mind them totally growing up to be a Lannister.
For The Person Who Still Hasn’t Gotten Over Ned Stark’s Death
They can honor his memory by placing a replica of his sword in a place of honor in their home, ideally far out of reach of any children or traitorous Lannister partisans.
GLEEP. There are plush little baby direwolves which are officially the cutest little things (that will eventually grow up to be person-sized attack animals.) Currently, HBO has Ghost, Grey Wind, and Summer available. “But I really want Lady!” says Sansa. “QUIET SANSA NO ONE LIKES YOU,” responds everyone.