'Reign' react: The royal wedding

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Image Credit: Christos Kalohoridis/The CW

Spoiler alert: If you haven’t watched the March 6 episode of Reign, stop reading now!

Mary is married! Clarissa is alive! Bash is gone! Was this just the best hour Reign has ever had? I’m thinking so! So unless someone has a royal trumpet to announce my entrance — which would be amazing — let’s dig in!

The episode started with Queen Catherine’s head literally on the chopping block. But don’t worry, she was only rehearsing her execution, as one does. In order for the Queen to go out in style, she had to plan the event as if it were as big as a royal wedding (foreshadowing, I know). She wanted 50 musicians and ships made of silver and gold in order to symbolize her journey to heaven, even though Henry informed her that was not where she was headed. But that’s not important right now, because those royal trumpets are blowing. Everyone say hello (or perhaps curtsy) to Marie de Guise, Mary’s mother!

Mommy dearest was quick to inform Mary of her disappointment in the fact that she sent her daughter to marry a King and found her engaged to a bastard. Let’s just say she wasn’t one to believe in Nostradamus’ prophecy. She told Mary that Scotland was in danger of falling to Protestantism, and that they needed Catholic France. In a panic, Mary took that as a sign that she and Bash had to elope now, before her mother could ruin things. Bash was off to find a priest and she would meet him at the church. I’m not sure how I feel about his line, “Don’t plan on sleeping this night, wife.” It was cute, right? Or kind of uncomfortable? Maybe it’s just me, but their relationship has slowly been growing on me, and I like them, but the idea of them sleeping together feels weird. But that’s neither here nor there. (How royal and British do I sound?)

At this point, Francis and Lola had returned to the castle, and Francis informed Mary that he was here to save his mother and then leave — he was thinking Morocco or Sweden. But what he didn’t know was that Nostradamus was currently having sex in another room. Why was that important? Mostly because it came before Nostradamus hanged himself. Apparently, near-death experiences are his way of summoning his visions when they’ve been gone for a while. (And I guess he has sex before just in case he actually dies so that his last memory will be a good one?)

Well, it worked, and his lover let him down before he died completely. The result: Clarissa’s death had changed the prophecy. Clarissa was technically Catherine’s first born, which meant the prophecy applied to her. Nostradamus now saw Mary and Francis happily married, lying in bed, and being adorable.

After a meeting of the motherly minds between Catherine and Marie de Guise, who obviously both want Mary and Francis together, Nostradamus ran to Catherine with the new prophecy. Minutes later, the game of telephone continued when Catherine ran to Francis to tell him the good news. Marie de Guise, on the other hand, had some bad news: She’d bribed the servants to tell her that Mary was on her way to meet Bash at a church and elope. Francis had to beat her there.

Spoiler: He did. And then he continued to beat … his own brother. Bash let it slip that he and Mary were more than acquaintances, and harsh words were exchanged before Mary broke them up. Francis didn’t waste even one second telling her that she no longer had to marry Bash. Of course, Mary needed confirmation, so she went to Catherine, who went so far as to slit her own wrist to convince Mary it was true. Suddenly, Mary’s fate was her own. But she had to decide quick. A messenger brought news that the Queen of England had died, and England was Mary’s bloodline, but she had to act immediately. She would choose a husband tonight. But, as she informed the King, “I will take my life in my own hands, and I will not be bullied by you.”

You know who else won’t be bulled by the King? Kenna, who decided to walk into the King’s room in nothing but a robe. Her proposition was simple: He’d find her a husband, and she’d give him sex (even after she’s married). He agreed to bring her one suitor a week until she chooses. And then poor naked Kenna had to attempt to remove the world’s most complicated garment.

In her own room, was Mary, desperately needing her mother’s advice. Instead, she got Catherine, who’d brought word from the Vatican. She handed Mary the piece of paper. Next thing we knew, Mary was meeting with Bash. “I can’t marry you,” she told him. He tried to explain that with him, she’d be free and wild, and he would always put her first. The pain continued with this interaction:

Bash: Say that you love me. Say it to me once, because I know that you do.
Mary: I love you, I do.
Bash: Say it. Say the rest, I need to hear it.
Mary: I love Francis more.

I’m not going to lie. When she said that last line, I stopped tearing up for Bash and literally cheered out loud. And then my applauding turned into gasping when Mary saw Francis down the hallway. With tears in her eyes, she ran to him and kissed him! She revealed that Catherine hadn’t handed her a message from the Vatican, but rather gave her a blank piece of paper, so as to let Mary decide what was truly in her heart — Francis. “It’s you. It’s always been you,” she said. My favorite interaction?

Francis: Does this mean you’ll marry me?
Mary: Yes!

YAY!!! That means it’s time for a royal wedding! Well, not until after Francis tells Bash to leave and never come back. Despite promising Mary that he’d protect Bash, Francis told his brother that he would not be so inclined as to accept him back into his good graces. Instead, he proposed that the only thing between the two of them should be distance if Bash wants to survive.

Okay, now it’s time for the wedding. Mary’s ladies were helping prepare her while her mother informed her that Catherine was pardoned for her adultery — another yay! She then advised her daughter to produce heirs as quickly as possible, proving that the “sex talk” has gotten more awkward as the centuries have gone on. Across the room, Kenna told Lola that the chateau she and Francis claimed to stay at burned down last year. So that’s going to come up again soon. Also, Clarissa’s alive. Honestly, no one’s really surprised by this, but I am a little bummed. She was kind of my least favorite story, but I’m open to what will happen next.

And I’m really open to everything about this wedding ceremony! Mary’s dress was gorgeous, and there’s nothing cuter than Francis’ face when he saw his bride:

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UGH.

All of this was followed by dancing, general merriment, and my heart exploding. Sadly, it was short-lived. Mary found out that her mother had paid a messenger to deliver false news of the Queen of England’s death in order to force Mary’s marriage to happen faster. As a result, Mary told her mother to get out. “When I return to Scotland, it will either be because you have failed or because you are dead.” Wow. Teens really are difficult to parent. (I’m kidding; I’m obviously Team Mary.)

And, before I could wipe away my happy tears, they were replaced with anger toward Nostradamus, who had another vision. Well, it was more like an extended version of what we’d seen earlier. Mary and Francis were happy in bed until she suddenly asked him to fight. She said a year of marriage was not enough. Then, he started to bleed out of his ears and died in her arms. Honestly, at this point, I feel like Nostradamus is like Alice from Twilight — his visions change when you alter the future, so there must be a way out of this whole dead Francis thing. There must! And don’t you all pull the history books out on me. I know what they say, but I’m pretty sure the history books didn’t have hot, sexy CW actors participating in a hot, sexy love triangle.

From there, things went from good, to bad, to awful. As if the idea of the consummation weren’t bad enough on its own, the King forced Bash to watch before he left town, so that he’d know “what is yours and what is not.” You guys, this was THE WORST. Mary and Francis making eye contact with Bash while having sex still makes my skin crawl. This is literally the most painful love triangle scene I’ve ever watched. Suddenly, I’m fine with the American 21st Century awkward sex talk, so long as it gets me out of anything even remotely close to this scene.

And in the episode’s final moments, Bash was leaving town with two guards when they tried to kill him. He took them both out, and tried to ask who paid them — “the Queen or my brother?” But he got nothing before the guards died. Then, he rode of into the night alone, accompanied by some music I’m pretty sure came from Xena.

So what did you all think of the episode? Personally, I loved Mary’s mother, and I want more of her. I’m a little surprised we got a wedding so quickly in this series, but I’m obsessed with it, and with the episode in general. Although I’m not too happy about Clarissa’s return.

Did you love the wedding? What’s next for Bash? (Hopefully Lola.) And are you excited to see Clarissa’s gross hair roaming around in the walls again? Sound off in the comments!

QUOTABLES:

“Must I do everything? Shall I catch my head in my own hands too?” -Catherine on planning her execution

Catherine: Why kill me if the line of succession reverts to my sons?
Henry: You’re a treasonous adulterer.
Catherine: Then I’ll continue with the seating chart.

Marie de Guise: Mary may be Scotland’s Queen, but I am its King.
Catherine: Has Scotland noticed that its King has rather overexposed breasts?
Marie de Guise: It is beginning to.

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